Err...or not. It's opposite day here in T.Voland, and I sometimes imagine what it'd be like to recap a show that you all watch. But it got you to page two, didn't it?

It's TVGasm tradition that the worse the show is, the better the recap. But I just had to be the one to break with time-honored tradition, didn't I? Don't leave me, please. I've resigned myself to "one comment" no-man's land of the suck, but I swear my fall recaps will rock you off your couch. Or your money back. Me love you long time.

Look Ma, no legs!

Four cities down, two more to go. We've locked in the SF, LA, Chicago, and NY finalists - just the "scorching hot plains" of Houston and the "sandy shores" of Tampa left. We learn everything we need to know in the opening montage, as usual.

I wouldn't have figured that one out without ABC's helpful graphic.

Houston, Texas: You're not allowed to buy Limburger cheese, goose liver, or rye bread on a Sunday.
Tampa, Florida: You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM. Also, sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. Fascists!

We're in Texas, the home of Shiner Bock ice cream (okay, that's technically Austin). In what appears to be a room of musical chairs for retards, thousands of inventors anxiously await immediate rejection and public humiliation.

Everyone's a winner! Not.

61-year-old Charles Amyx has worked for three years and has spent 4700 dollars on a school bus driver's salary. He's waited a year to show them his Cool It Top, a hat/cap combination that keeps your head from sweating.

Charles has a Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel vibe going on: "Ah 'ave an ahmayzin' 'vention, reckon it's firs' of it's kind."

It also ensures that you will be shunned by everyone around you.
Made out of two layers of foam and various doodads to indicate themes such as "cafeteria worker" (hair netting), "sports fan" (baseballs), Charles hits the jackpot with his interpretation of Halloween:

The perfect centerpiece for your shrunken head collection.

"Ah' told ya I was the next Ah-merican inventah, but ah'm not." Aww.

Sri Lankan Evan Balasuriya, 65, is about to reverse the aging process. No, not with copious amounts of the obscenely expensive Cream de La Mer, whose company freely admits that they know nothing about its miraculous properties: "Even now, it is not entirely clear how Crème de la Mer works. For us schooled in logic, it is something of a jolt to the imagination." Man, unborn fetuses must be a super-expensive ingredient.

No, it's the one-minute wonder, the Double Chin Buster!

The personal chef demonstrates with something that looks like a foot massager/plastic retainer from hell. You can even make the kissy face at yourself every morning. Evan doesn't quite understand the concept of "before" and "after" pictures, as it's just a whole lotta "after."

After and After.

SPANX: "I think your device is reversing the aging process." She's on crack, don't listen to her.
Pat points out that by pursing your lips, you're exercising and toning the muscles in your neck and chin. Rejected by everyone, Evan decides to go peddle some Cream La Mer in the end.

Nick Smith thinks he's so clever, tying in this show with a shoutout to another ABC reality snoozer: "Thousands are still waiting to show that their invention is the Next Best Thing."

In the land of expensively ugly taste, we have Pat Croce's magically color-changing shirt, everybody!

Now you see it --

Now you don't!

New Yorker Jeff Miller spent $20K perfecting his invention. Mmm, should've put it into some mutual funds, buddy. This 57-year-old writer - wait, how does a writer have $20K just lying around? I'm a writer and I don't get paid for any of the writing I do lately. In fact, I am making negative dollars as I type this. There. That was a quarter lost. Perhaps he's got a sugar momma like the writer in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Recap: American Inventor: British Man Croaks! Sections:  1  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5 

« Recap: Top Chef: Bad Things Come in Threes | | Live Blog: Big Brother: I Gave Her My Heart, She Gave Me A Suitcase Key »

Posted in American Inventor by T.Vo | Permalink | Comments (8)
Last Comment: Benjammin on Sep 4, 2007 03:45 PM.

Comments (8)

reckless_saturn :

like OMG. i totally dig your recaps even though i would have never even seen this show.

the last one you did with pictures from the anime con was freaking me out. i was so confused because i kept thinking that they were actual screen shots of the american inventor show. i had to remind myself they weren't. it was good times. plus being high also helps...no just kidding about.

thanks for keeping me laughing. as i recover from surgery it really helps.

1 of 8 | Posted by reckless_saturn | Posted on July 16, 2007 5:23 AM

TinkerbellAPixie :

"Handyman Richard McFee has invented the Pop Up Party Table, which is nothing like Dick in a Box or Pinata Filled with Liquor."

Now THAT would make for some great cross-promotion.

I feel bad for poor Waleed losing his slinkies to his dad.

I loved that you managed to track down the inventor of the Rebuilding Blocks to get a photo of an actual house built with his product. That is some serious dedication to your recapping.

Nicely done T.Vo.

2 of 8 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on July 16, 2007 5:25 AM

T.Vo :

Thanks, Tinkerbell and reckless_saturn! That means a lot to me that you read my recaps, this show definitely has its moments but it's no "Big Brother."

I do my best. :)

And wouldn't a Pinata filled with tiny plastic bottles of liquor be fantastic?

3 of 8 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on July 16, 2007 8:57 PM

reckless_saturn :

okay see i was picturing a pinata filled with liquor. break it up open and the party dives underneath of it to suckle at the drips of liquor.

but the tiny plastic bottles. such a better idea. now that is inventive!

4 of 8 | Posted by reckless_saturn | Posted on July 17, 2007 4:20 AM

Benjammin :

Your a fucken retard. It'd easy for you to criticize people, when your fat stupid ass has nothing better to do then sit home and watch. Your pathetic. The fact that you take the time to write about this shit is just proof of how much of a loser you are! Fucken dumb ass.

5 of 8 | Posted by Benjammin | Posted on September 4, 2007 3:39 PM

Benjammin :

Your a fucken retard. It's easy for you to criticize people, when your fat stupid ass has nothing better to do then sit home and watch. Your pathetic. The fact that you take the time to write about this shit is just proof of how much of a loser you are! Fucken dumb ass.

6 of 8 | Posted by Benjammin | Posted on September 4, 2007 3:41 PM

Benjammin :

Your a fucken retard. It's easy for you to criticize people, when your fat stupid ass has nothing better to do then sit home and watch. Your pathetic. The fact that you take the time to write about this shit is just proof of how much of a loser you are! Fucken dumb ass.

7 of 8 | Posted by Benjammin | Posted on September 4, 2007 3:42 PM

Benjammin :

Your a fucken retard. It's easy for you to criticize people, when your fat stupid ass has nothing better to do then sit home and watch. Your pathetic. The fact that you take the time to write about this shit is just proof of how much of a loser you are! Fucken dumb ass.

8 of 8 | Posted by Benjammin | Posted on September 4, 2007 3:45 PM

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