Dearest Readers, we have reached the end of a long and arduous journey, one marked by a lot of American flag print shirts, awkward moments tinged with sexual tension, and deluded, potentially psychopathic individuals. We've had old people try to convince us that copper cures all ailments (including avian flu), we've had crazies try to convince us of the merits of Therapy Buddy. Oh yeah, and George Foreman's undying love for basically, everything. Ah, the smell of American Inventor.
This would be the weirdest beauty pageant ever.
But seriously, a three hour finale for ABC's lowest rated show?! What the French toast?
Just kidding. We're back to the usual hour, which I have condensed into the shortest recap I have ever written. I'm now in Chicago for yet another wedding, and Chi-Town is definitely no LA. It's been awhile since I've felt like the token anything in a town, but I definitely stick out in a suburb like Lake Forest.
Lollapalooza was incredible, and you should definitely see Muse, Snow Patrol, and Tokyo Police Club live. Also, I hate how people love doing the Chicken Dance at weddings. You know what would be a better reality show than this? One that sets people up to believe they're marrying the love of their lives, but then they get ditched at the altar for (for someone else! ohhhhhh!). I already know I'm going to hell.
So because ABC couldn't stand to just announce the winner, it got turned into a bloated hour-long production of American Idol-like proportions, complete with live audience and stage. I wonder how much they paid these people to sit there? I bet they pretended they were having auditions for the next season of this show, and lured them in. "Yeah, of course, this is the tryout for season 3....psych!" This includes "fans" waving supportive themed posterboards that were probably created by some poor production assistant in the wee hours of the night to generate an atmosphere of "competition" and "festivity." Two things that this show lacks, among other watching-worthy qualities.
You know what else is festive? Nick Smith adorned by the dinosaur on my laptop that's the equivalent of the hourglass you see when you're waiting for a page to load.
Our three finalists were anxiously awaiting their fate, as determined by the 5-10 Americans who actually texted in to vote for them. Who are they? Let me remind you.
Greg Chavez (hey ABC, you misspelled his name with two "g"s on the website, stop messing with me) has too many children to feed. The Guardian Angel underwent a dramatic transformation, from poster board to something real.
What is it? A small tank of pressurized water disguised as a Christmas present, attached to a hose that is hooked up to an angel decoration that is actually the fusible link that sets off an alarm when smoke/fire is detected. It works without a battery, and will save four out of five lives. I'm taking away one life because you can't underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Elaine Cato, a beauty pageant director and real estate agent from Tennessee, designed a 6-in-1 Convertible Brassiere. You can wear backless dresses and shirts with no worries of nip slips or boobies flying everywhere, to the chagrin of men everywhere. She's doing this for her children. 'Nuff said.
You can try bringing Sexy back, but the store won't take it without a receipt.
Ricky DeRennaux, hailing from Oklahoma, brought us Custom Build Racers. Trying to find a way to make learning fun, Ricky hoped to allow teens to design, build, and race their own paper model cars. He threw in an awesome airplane version in the later development stages, and even has a version that doesn't require a computer or printer. However, the median age for his toy also dropped to like, 12 year-old kids.
Stop fucking up the curve, Ricky, with your A+.
So...that means, MONTAGE! MONTAGE! MONTAGE! Clip show extravaganza, because there's not enough material to make it through the hour. They even throw in a Plexiglass cube containing the million dollars in cash, to remind you that there's something at stake here. Highlights include the judges top ten favorite craptastic inventions, including "Finger Tunes" and Rayfil Wong's "Sober Key." The Love Test, the anti-flame Aluminum Condom, and Crazy Ass Motherfucker Steve Couisineau with the A.C.E. Cycle (i.e. bike with spinners) also made the top ten. As did Pat's ugly shirts:
If you squint hard enough and dilate your pupils, a unicorn appears.
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Comments (5)
Awwwww. T.Vo. Here's a sympathy shout-out for hanging in!
1 of 5 | Posted by Tony A.![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on August 6, 2007 8:43 AM
Okay, I just had to say it:
That last screen cap looks the most bored jazz hands ever...
2 of 5 | Posted by MCH![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on August 6, 2007 10:06 AM
Great job recapping this show T.Vo, I also look forward to reading your recaps in the Fall.
I used to live in the NW burbs of Chicago - so I know exactly how uptight Lake Forest is.
3 of 5 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on August 12, 2007 8:44 PM
Anyone know when a decision will be made about whether or not there will be a third season of American Inventor?
4 of 5 | Posted by MichaelGeorge![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on August 14, 2007 1:38 PM
Anyone know when a decision will be made about whether or not there will be a third season of American Inventor?
5 of 5 | Posted by MichaelGeorge![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on August 14, 2007 1:40 PM