This week, we visit the Windy City and the Big Apple. Unfortunately, none of our judges have found better things to do with their time and money than this show.
George, SPANX, Pat, and British Man are still richer than you will ever be. On a sidenote, I attended my first arena football game yesterday at the Staples Center (it was a free ticket, I swear). Who pays money to watch arena football? People who would enter American Inventor, that's who. Sadly, I could not purchase a Rowdy Hat (TM) at the game because the inventor was rejected on this very show.
Let me preface this recap with a quote from South Park:
Kyle: Dude, thank God for stupid people.
Cartman: Amen.
First, Exhibit #927 in the case against delusional old people. Carlo Giansanti, 71, came to this country forty years ago from Rome. Over the past ten years, he's invested more than $10,000 of his retirement savings into an invention he believes is a medical breakthrough.
"I have the biggest discovery the world has ever seen," he proclaims in a heavy Italian accent. I have translated his Italianese into Cockney for your enjoyment. Shine yer shoes, guv'nah?
COCKNEY CARLO: "Me name is Carlo. I 'ave the bloomin' biggest discoright the bleedin' world 'as ever seen. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? I'm bloody well 70 years old, I'm stronger than I were 30 years old. Because of copper. Copper on the head eliminates any type of mental sickness, an' gives vitality ter the 'oole system. Cor blimey guv! Just yer bloody breathe it, right, George. Also on the head. It gives me total control of me Michael Caine, init?"
ENGLISH TRANSLATION: "My name is Carlo. I have the biggest discovery the world has ever seen. I'm 70 years old, I'm stronger than I was 30 years old. Because of copper. Copper on the head eliminates any type of mental sickness, from Alzheimer's, strokes, avian flu, TB, and gives vitality to the whole system. You breathe it, George. Also on the head. It gives me total control of my brain."
Carlo says he was seventy, but the ABC caption accompanying his name says he is seventy-one. The only explanation is that Carlo is a liar, and I refuse to believe any more of his cockamamie. I feel sorry for his wife as he demonstrates his heavy mouth-breathing through a sheet of copper mesh. I guess your sex life does decline as you get older, if you insist on doing things like this.
This is only the beginning.
"Ten years ago, I was dying, and every time I drove, I fell asleep. I started copper, and I figured I put it on my head. And I felt good. I felt good. Then I made a mask, an' I slept with it. It's uncomfortable, yet it feels good."
"My wife no longer enjoys foreplay."
I hope the DMV revokes his license soon, as I already have to watch out for Asian female drivers. (I may be one myself, but I learned how to drive from my guy friends. So there.) I don't need narcoleptic senior citizens running me into the median. He allegedly no longer needs glasses, either. With that, he places his copper-lined spectacles on his head and a surgical mask lined with the same thing over his mouth. It's the fourth year he hasn't been sick.
"The doctor doesn't know nothing, he hasn't seen me for four years, he thinks I'm dead! I know more than anybody in the world about copper." Heh.
No's from Pat and British Man, and I assume George and SPANX are in agreement. As he exits, Carlo produces a small, crumpled American flag and sets it on fire. And by "sets it on fire" I mean "waves it while saying, 'Always, but never give up!'" Carlo plans to live until the ripe old age of 130. "If the United States cannot produce, I will produce in China, maybe." America, fuck yeah! USA made in China, here we come.
Swim coach James Davis, 49, has invested $25,000 in the Dry Swim Trainer, an exercise machine for the home, designed to do everything you can do with swimming. It's missing an important element -- water. It also looks like the world's worst gynecological examining table, complete with foot stirrups. His assistant helps to hook him into the bulky machine but "forgets" to strap James' feet in, perhaps to convince his boss that this machine is a really crappy invention. James flails wildly about and nearly cuts himself in half as George starts giggling. When George starts laughing at your invention, it's totally over.
Water wings, please.
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Comments (5)
Ugh, this show should be called "American Sob Story". I mean really, mr. $300,000 wouldn't have gotten through if he hadn't mentioned the fact that he's an idiot. I can not conceive how such a simple device could cost as much as three houses (here, at least) to develop.
1 of 5 | Posted by Merick
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Posted on June 25, 2007 7:15 AM
What the hell is a new comic book character doing on this show?
2 of 5 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 25, 2007 11:45 AM
Ok, your friend is wearing a Disneyland (or WDW?) birthday button. Awesome.
I missed this ep... looks like I missed some crappy inventions. Ugh. Thanks for your take on it.
3 of 5 | Posted by CrazyTrain
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Posted on June 26, 2007 2:31 PM
Hey, thanks for posting my pic! Maybe I'll sell my ugly shirt on eBay!
Just to clear the air a bit, the producers edited out my introduction where I explain that the Six Tap is a NOVELTY product, you know, like the Beer Helmet. You can read more at http://www.SixTap.com
4 of 5 | Posted by Six Tap
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Posted on June 29, 2007 2:17 PM
Hey, thanks for posting my pic! Maybe I'll sell my ugly shirt on eBay!
Just to clear the air a bit, the producers edited out my introduction where I explain that the Six Tap is a NOVELTY product, you know, like the Beer Helmet. You can read more at http://www.SixTap.com
5 of 5 | Posted by Six Tap
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Posted on June 29, 2007 2:18 PM