James really missed the point here. Water makes you buoyant, and without its presence, you're not going to necessarily learn how to float in it or react to it. You might as well learn how to swim using a Nintendo Wii.
"The point of swimming is the fluidity of water," says Pat. British Man states the obvious: "You've clearly demonstrated that if you want to swim, go to a swimming pool." I'm inclined to agree. As much as I hate the feeling of water going up my nose, I'd rather go to a pool and do my pathetic doggie paddling than try James' weird S&M contraption.
Pat Croce will never run out of ugly, expensive shirts.
Tom Jermyn, 44, a self-employed attorney (i.e. ambulance chaser), invented the Body Squeegee Towel Saver. It's a giant squeegee with three contours for the torso, legs, and arms. You can also turn it sideways to squeegee your shower after you're done. Nasty. Use Tilex, Tom. He invented this because he used to visit his unhygienic brother, who wouldn't do laundry. Instead of resorting to moldy towels, he'd use a t-shirt or sock to squeegee himself off.
"I'm really afraid to ask this," interrupts British Man, "but what's with the holes?" Dirty!
"I've heard enough," says George. No's from everyone. "Not into the product at all," adds Pat. "Keep punching!" encourages George. "Were the cutouts for the woman's body, squeegee down this way?" asks SPANX. Doubtful. No one's boobs are as cylindrical as a penis.
Under that hardened exterior is a man who loves stripey socks.
Sophia Kandelaki, 32, dresses like a high class hooker, from the clear acrylic heels of her white patent pumps all the way to her badly bleached hair. She could also be Borat's wife, dressed up as a New Jersey homemaker with her loud flower print minidress, plastic jewelry, and neck scarf. Her entire outfit was selected from the Forever 21 clearance rack. The camera guy must've been desperately horny, because we get a shot panning up her legs to reveal just a hint of the lacy top of her stockings. Her invention targets women around the world, with her 12-in-1 item for everyday use. I expected a vibrator or a push-up bra.
"Do you have a jewelry box in home? How big is this?" she asks SPANX. Well, it's not only a jewelry box, Sophia assures us. It's multi-tiered, like a stack of pancakes. It has a webcam, a recorder, a music center, a karaoke machine ("You can sing in front of mirror!"), and even an air conditioner. It talks to you and tells you how beautiful you are today. You can lock it like a car. It has a touch up screen size (whatever the hell that is), and you can even record a sexy guy's voice. Everything a single girl needs, except the ability to know when her makeup makes her look like a transvestite.
What, pray tell, are "radio dishies"?
But can it wash my dishes? No. And for that reason, the judges unanimously reject her jewelry box on steroids.
If British Man gets such migraines from judging the contestants, why doesn't he just send in another British lookalike? We'd never know the difference between the "Peter Jones" model and another dour, cynical, uppity type. Well, except for the stripey socks that British Man enjoys wearing so much.
Security guard John Lorinz, 64, has not gone on a vacation or taken a woman to dinner in four years. I think the latter is for reasons other than being so dedicated to his work.
"Ladies and gentlemen, safe sex in a bottle is here!" John asks Pat to assist him in removing his gigantic plastic bottle costume. Underneath is a man who might be a very distant relative of Christopher Walken, judging by the hair. His invention is a small bottle with a condom inside, on a keyring. Ah yes, the novelty gift that nobody wants. You can already get the ones that say "In case of emergency, break glass" at stores like Spencer's Gifts and Hot Topic. That's as far as he gets before the judges immediately take a vote. No's from everyone. British Man: "Message in a bottle from me to you: no." Message from me to John Lorinz? Get laid.
The judges have yet to find a New York finalist. I am not surprised, with the batch of crazies the producers have shown us. Our youngest inventor, Molly Balevre, is nine years old. She's flown out with her entire family from New Hampshire, and her mom's friend "Mrs. Soblitsky" wants to buy her invention first. Well, "Mrs. Soblitsky" is probably an alcoholic.
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Comments (5)
Ugh, this show should be called "American Sob Story". I mean really, mr. $300,000 wouldn't have gotten through if he hadn't mentioned the fact that he's an idiot. I can not conceive how such a simple device could cost as much as three houses (here, at least) to develop.
1 of 5 | Posted by Merick
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Posted on June 25, 2007 7:15 AM
What the hell is a new comic book character doing on this show?
2 of 5 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 25, 2007 11:45 AM
Ok, your friend is wearing a Disneyland (or WDW?) birthday button. Awesome.
I missed this ep... looks like I missed some crappy inventions. Ugh. Thanks for your take on it.
3 of 5 | Posted by CrazyTrain
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Posted on June 26, 2007 2:31 PM
Hey, thanks for posting my pic! Maybe I'll sell my ugly shirt on eBay!
Just to clear the air a bit, the producers edited out my introduction where I explain that the Six Tap is a NOVELTY product, you know, like the Beer Helmet. You can read more at http://www.SixTap.com
4 of 5 | Posted by Six Tap
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Posted on June 29, 2007 2:17 PM
Hey, thanks for posting my pic! Maybe I'll sell my ugly shirt on eBay!
Just to clear the air a bit, the producers edited out my introduction where I explain that the Six Tap is a NOVELTY product, you know, like the Beer Helmet. You can read more at http://www.SixTap.com
5 of 5 | Posted by Six Tap
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Posted on June 29, 2007 2:18 PM