Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 17-year-old buck-toothed country superstar Taylor Swift! While Jerry Springer is blathering on about something or other, the girls share a weird moment where, I believe, Julienne gets some cooties from giving Taylor a high-five.
Hey, that happens to the best of us. Now, with all of these huge super special superstars performing on the show tonight, whom will Cas Haley get the amazing opportunity to perform with? Among some shadowy hinting montages,
"Uh, frame up, Camera One..."
... the Jerr-ster says that Cas will perform one of reggae's all-time greatest hits with one of its greatest bands. Then Cas starts singing, "Red, red wiiiiiine...." and I puke all over the television. No biggie. Hilariously enough, with this as their only chance for a comeback, the frontman for UB40 really pushes for the spotlight, and in fact I can barely hear Cas' mic at all.
Still not cute
What, no Bob Marley? No "No Woman, No Cry"??? All this brings to mind for me are images of a bunch of drunk 45-year-olds wailing on a karaoke machine and lifting their glasses in praise of this wretched song. However, it does get a standing ovation from the Hoff (not kidding) and Cas gets a message from a special guest too.
Omigod, it's Nicole Richie's dad!
Looks like he's had another eye lift. After a break, Jerry schmoozes with some members of the audience, and hey! There's Bill Bellamy! And he's already equipped with a lav mic and everything! What are the chances?
You know, one thing I love about Jerry Springer is how he describes every act as "mind-blowing" or "incredible." You know, if it all was so fucking incredible, we would just start calling it normal. One such filler act is Quick Change, and right off the bat the woman falls on her ass.
Mind-blowing!
They seem to do some kind of magic act where she changes clothes a lot. And they didn't win last year? You know, I usually just call this sort of thing "The Ten Minutes Between 8:50-9am Every Morning."
After yet another montage of this season, we learn that one performer will not make it to the Top 3. I thought it would be Terry Fator or Carrots Julienne. I was right. Here's a shot from her goodbye montage.
"Oh my gosh! How did you ever let me out of the house with my hair like that?!"
Then Creepy Uncle Jerry gives her a kiss. *Shudder* So then.... ugh wait ****shudder shudder*** Nasty.
Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, let's move things along by introducing another filler act! They're "household name" (again, Jerry's words, not mine) Stomp Out Loud!
How does he do this aerobic activity every day and still have that belly?
I like to call this Garbage Beatboxing and I'm pretty sure it's the world's last use for those old-school tin garbage cans.
Now we get to say goodbye to one more loser. I'm betting it will be Terry. Let's get it on! Wait, how can Cas be both on stage AND in the audience?
And when did he grow a soul patch?
Turns out the loser is... Butterscotch???
BUTTERSCOTCH?!?!?!??!?!?!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I screamed this while kneeling in the rain and pumping my fists into the air, defying the gods, whilst an arial camera spun around me, capturing the essence of my grief. It was all pretty intense, but it's fucking BUTTERSCOTCH, man! What the fucking fuck? Unlike Potatoes Julienne, Butterscotch looks truly disappointed. I totally feel her.
Our elfin princess has come so far!
After that I stopped watching. Well, at least my heart did. What better way to follow up that kind of bullshit than with a circus performance of the worst of the worst acts? That's right, the muffled-singer girl, the weird "Don'tcha" dude, some drag queens, and even that chick that spanked her own bare ass in front of the judges come out and do one big shitfest for America! Wa-hoo! Most of them seem like they should be characters in a Christopher Guest movie, but who am I to judge? They have a modicum of fame, at least.
Next, it's the moment we've all been waiting for, especially since "Baywatch" went off the air. No, they're not announcing the winner. We still have one more filler act to suffer through. And it's the Hoff. David Hasselhoff. Singing.
It's exactly what you think it would be like.
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Comments (7)
Great recaps, O Snapp! They kept me hooked on this show & were more than an adequate substitute on the weeks when I missed it. I, too, was incredibly bummed that Butterscotch lost. I'm also a big fan of the Plus Sized Pussies, but let's face it, they really weren't great singers or dancers. I just admired their chutzpah.
1 of 7 | Posted by rhm
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Posted on August 22, 2007 11:21 AM
You are actually one of my favorite recappers and I just wanted to say you did a great job!
Did you really want Butterscotch to win? My bf did as well, but I don't get it. She couldn't sing, and the last time I actually watched this show she didn't even beatbox which was supposed to be her talent. And yeah the puppet guy was good, but Cas should have won, he was the best.
Although I'm embarrassed to admit it, I love the song Red Red Wine!
Anyway can't wait to read your recaps in the future.
2 of 7 | Posted by dmbislove
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Posted on August 22, 2007 12:01 PM
So sue me. As talent goes, Terry Fator showed more than anyone else. His act is impressive, actually singing in someone else's voice through a freaking puppet and NOT moving his lips. Hell, Rich Little made a living impersonating straight out.
I liked Butterscotch's 'tude when she first started her trek. Cocky and in your face, cool and tough. Then they started gentrifying her. They took away her edge and turned her into a black Julienne. Too bad.
Cas was definitely my second choice and I think he'll make a great go of this chance. And I, too, like UB-40's rendition of "Red, red wine". Sorry 'bout that.
As a showcase of American talent the show is as cheesy as its "judges" and the host. Truly mediocre talent that wouldn't pass first audition over at "Idol". I mean, "boy Shakira"? and the Bollywood dancer? And, heven help us, THE DUTTONS?
Mercifully, it's over. What the hell, it keeps the Hoff employed. But we need another dour Englishman. Piers is just an asshole.
3 of 7 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on August 23, 2007 6:35 AM
I too, very much like Red Red Wine, written by Neil Diamond and sung very well by the UB40. That puppet guy WAS super talented. He won me over with Roy Orbison turtle.
4 of 7 | Posted by james_woods_rules
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Posted on August 23, 2007 12:27 PM
O. Snapp, thanks for taking the bullets for us, I can't believe you actually sat through every episode of htis drek. Any idea which show you will be recapping next?
5 of 7 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on August 24, 2007 4:23 PM
Thanks, again, for taking the bullet(s) so I didn't have to watch.
Great recapping.
This poor imitation of The Gong Show is a real waste of time (TG4 the DVR).
6 of 7 | Posted by NightWalker
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Posted on August 24, 2007 4:38 PM
Hey y'all, thanks for your comments! I'm glad to give you a giggle now and then. The next show I'll be making sure you don't have to watch is "The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll" which I also did last season. It's gonna be awesome! See you in a few weeks!
7 of 7 | Posted by O. Snapp
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Posted on August 25, 2007 11:23 PM