Up next is Tom, some old guy that proceeds to flip a sign from "Closed" to "Open." Thanks Tom, but we need more than basic retail skills. Unless you have a robot or dominatrix suit? Tom says he's just "doing his thing," then straightens out some curved rope and starts dancing. This delights Nick to no end because he has the mentality of a third-grader. Tom then makes balls appear in his mouth (damnit, and here I am already having used up my Paris Hilton quota) and to keep with the theme of our rapid montage, Tom will be joining the robots and the housewife in Vegas. Today's theme is obviously "Unexpected People Perform Mediocre Talents, Get Voted Through" as Tom is followed by some precocious young girls in a band called G-Force, who really can't sing at all. Sharon is clearly excited to keep the pool of young girls she can feud with as deep as possible and welcomes them to Las Vegas.
After the break, we meet Rafael, the "no shoes, singing bouncer." He does an extremely high-pitched rendition of "Last Dance," and he better be careful because we haven't come CLOSE to meeting our reject quota tonight. Yep, he quickly turns from semi-quirky to annoyingly bad. Seriously, if he were on American Idol he'd be dead by now. Sharon and David dance to his song (adding ANOTHER name to the list of people Ozzy needs to cut) and Rafael finishes his painful number with an equally-painful split. Everyone takes a second and makes sure to laugh at Nick's hilarious joke about his own crotch hurting. Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. A la Scooter from The Muppet Show, I'd be willing to bet that Nick's uncle owns the theater. Sharon asks what they should do about Rafael, and the audience responds by booing loudly. Sharon for some reason votes yes (?) but the boys shoot him down and we bounce the bouncer. Nick congratulates Rafael and still wants to talk about the splits. Rafael tells him he's been doing it all his life, and suddenly his high-pitched singing is less of a mystery. So...I guess the first productive interview Nick has ever had.
Prostituting themselves next for NBC are some adorable young dancers, and what the hell is this, Self-Esteem Night? I want rejection, damnit, and not just to for some creepy bouncer. The kids are Eric and Rickie, eight-year old dance partners who have been dancing since they were four. Rickie jokes that she's sick of Eric, or maybe that's just the beginning of the passionate love/hate relationship that will probably destroy their lives showing. He says she's one of the coolest girls he knows, and she responds by complaining that sometimes he steps on her toes. And wow, that's every relationship I've ever had nicely summarized in one line. They deny like-liking each other, even despite the efforts of our intrepid Nick Cannon, but are still curiously holding hands. Oh, America's Got Talent, your editing will surely scar them socially for years to come.
They finally take the stage and never fear, after eight seasons of Dancing With The Stars I feel qualified to identify this dance as a "jive." No need to thank me, it's just a good thing I was here. Eric rips off his shirt, which makes me very uncomfortable, and after they finishing putting about 75 D-list celebrities to shame, Sharon puts on her Len Goodman hat to tell them that it was well done and she can see they love dancing together. Hoff tells them that they are what the show is about, and he really needs to make up his mind because he throws this phrase around a lot. Is it about Eric and Rickie? Is it about black kids singing "God Bless America?" Is it about awkwardly dancing with Sharon Osbourne? Decide, David! But Piers has had enough of this hippie feel-good crap, and tells them that the comments don't mean anything and they still need to vote (which show are you watching, Morgan?). Hoff and Sharon give a big screw-you to Piers' attempt to create drama and both vote yes, sending our favorite doomed relationship onward. Nick Cannon tries to get the two to jump around like an idiot with him, but unfortunately they're just a bit too mature for him. They celebrate with their stage parents as we head to another break.
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Comments (1)
You caught all the parts of the show that drove me nuts (the Switching between New York and Seattle, David Hasselhoff's overuse of what this show is about) However, I disagreed on 1 notable item:
but we can forgive Nick for not knowing what happens to famous people
Believe it or not, he is actually somewhat famous in his own right. I know him mostly from Wild N Out (a new school spin-off of Whose Line Is It Anyway). Believe it or not, he is actually funny on there.
I actually find Nick funny, but maybe it's just me...
1 of 1 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on June 29, 2009 9:30 AM