Another break, and how about a little more Chicago? We meet fifty-four year old Debbie Victor from California who endears herself to fellow competitors everywhere by assuring us that she's in a class all her own and no one else can even compete with her. She then calls her talent indescribable, which I take as a personal attack to my recapping skills. I didn't get second place in a recap contest for nothing, Victor, bring it on! As it turns out, I will own her very easily with the description, "stupid animal noises." She makes stupid animal noises. I guess they sound accurate, but they are animal noises, so not terribly impressive. Sharon Xs immediately after she begins, and Debbie looks like she plans to kill herself as they all send her away to loud boos from the audience.
Tommy and Diane are very patriotically-dressed horse trainers with a miniature pony, but their horse can't do the trick with the golf club that they attempt. So long, T/D.
Next up are Tony and Rocking Rory, a very cute dog that I will say nothing bad about. Tony tells us about how he got Rory from an add in the newspaper and he is definitely the talent of the act. Taking a stab at the Susan Boyle award, he tells us how his life used to be pretty empty until he got his dog, and now they love each other. Which is sweet, in a pathetic sort of way. The two perform "canine flying disk," which means a bunch of really cool frisbee tricks. Piers likes him, David says America deserves to see him (which we just did, but thanks for the shout-out, Hoff!) and they're going to Vegas!
At long last we're allowed to leave Chicago and head for Seattle, or as host Nick Cannon calls it, "the high seas." I don't even know what to say about him anymore. First up is the forty-nine year old "surplus technician" Brad from Moscow, and let me just say 1.) right now America has NO idea the trauma this man will inflict on us and 2.) if anyone knows what a "surplus technician is, drop me a line.
So it starts off innoculously enough, he tells a story about his grandmother's talent show when he was fifteen, I plan out a joke about how we didn't ask to here his life story, the show/recapper balance is in perfect harmony. BUT THEN. He gets out on stage and picks up a GIANT hook and anchor, and tells us he is going to do an impression of a fishing trip gone horribly wrong. He then SHOVES the hook up his nose, twists it around, AND IT COMES OUT OF HIS GODDAMN MOUTH! AND I AM FREAKING OUT. Then he hooks it to this anchor, and he is supporting the anchor by a HOOK through his NOSE and his MOUTH and I have my resignation letter to TVgasm half-way composed. So then, if this weren't enough, he takes it out, and he's all polite serial killer, he-was-such-a-nice-guy-who-mostly-kept-to-himself-style talking gently to us about drills, and then HE STICKS A WORKING DRILL UP HIS NOSE AND I'M FREAKING OUT AGAIN AND I WILL PAY ANYTHING HE WANTS IF HE WILL JUST GO AWAY.
The judges and audience are all grossed out too, and Brad starts to look a little nervous, like maybe giving us all nightmares wasn't the best way to get to Vegas. He tells the judges he does basically everything that would creep me out, like swordswalling, beds of nails, etc. Piers calls him the most disgusting man in America (so now Blagojevich has nothing) and the Hoff votes yes. But Sharon votes no! A house divided can not stand! What do we do, Piers? Piers gives it to him, meaning he will get to freak me out all over again, and Hasselhoff humorously pretends to hook his own nose in front of Sharon. Oh, David, what a card.
Brad tells Nick he started practicing with an ice pick. He definitely has bodies in his freezer.
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Comments (1)
Could anyone tell if the guy in the Micheal Cera picture was that one guy from a few seasons back on idol. (Kenneth?) The one that auditioned with the bush baby lookalike.
1 of 1 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on June 28, 2009 3:53 PM