So now we've got Jeffrey, the 5" 3' librarian. His video package focuses on his shortness keeping him out of show business and he makes sure to use AS MANY SHORT-PERSON CLICHES AS POSSIBLE. He comes onto the stage with a giant red chair set up (because when I'm out to downplay my height I surround myself with comically large furniture) and, after a quick name confirmation, he's off. He climbs into the chair and starts to sing terribly. Piers gives him an X before he even does a semi-impressive leap/somersault down to the ground. Jeffrey's song is about the unimportance of size and he delivers it with the gusto of a horrendous dinner theater, prompting another X from David. After some dancing and Sadistic Sharon's refusal to end our pain, he finishes his number to loud boos. David says it was weird, Piers calls it "stupidly irritating" and he's outie. As much as I'd like to make fun of them, these D-list celebrities are surprisingly intuitive.
Jeffrey kicked off our evening's failure montage, which also includes the untalented and aptly-named "Witches in Bikinis," the bizarre RObert whose talent appears to be changing clothes, and the perky samba group (Samba Samba Samba) who dance long after they get the Xs. Hasselhoff demands to know where the talent is, but wait! We've got a group of five sisters ready to take him on. They're originally from Utah (lending credit to my brewing Performing Mormon jokes) and they now live in different states. They're all moms, they're all married (to one very lucky man. Morman jokes!), and they call themselves the Fab Five. The sisters tell the judges that they are moms when they ask their profession, to which Sharon gives the most condescending "mmk, that's great" ever. Being a mom isn't work at all, and Sharon would know! So the sisters have a snazzy little line dance going on, and Nick says something about them having soul. I wonder if they film Nick saying something positive and then something negative about the act, and then after the audience reacts they know which one to air? I wouldn't put it past these execs.
Anyways, the dancing gets more impressive and the audience loves them. David says that everyone from Utah has the same smile (so you should direct all your Mormon anger from me to him) and the judge reviews are good. Sharon validates the name "Fab Five" and the sisters are going to be hitting Vegas. One more break, and then it's time for our obligatory uplifting ending.
Tonight it will be country-boy (WHATry-boy?) Kevin from Kentucky, hoping to play some guitar. Kevin's talent is using as many rural cliches as possible, and he opens fast with his pronunciation of gi-tar, observation that things in the country move slower than in the big city, and declarations of love for hunting and fishing. Also, taking his truck mudding. Oh, God, hold on, he isn't done. Something about porches and counting stars, too. Ok, let's get to it. He tells the judges he wants to sing a Garth Brooks song and Sharon immediately begins laughing at his accent and hillbillyness, which while true, isn't nice. You're supposed to blog these generalizations, not laugh right in front of him, Sharon! He tells David that he used to be a "chicken-catcher" for a few years, but isn't real good at math at doesn't know how many he caught.
This is the closest they're going to get to Susan Boyle 2.0, and the AGT team moves into Priority 1 Go Mode. The judges heat up the ridiculing, the audience begins to laugh that such an off-beat would ever dare attempt to entertain them, and even Nick Cannon gets to try out his Southern accent. He guesses they caught 60,000 in one night which...probably isn't true, and fits perfectly into the new, temporarily meaner mode we've shifted to. He can have talent! He's an idiot! And ugly! And lives with his cat Pebbles! As predicted, his singing is amazing and his guitar is good, everyone gets to look shallow and we're all guranteed a decent YouTube circulation. It's win-win.
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Comments (1)
"He's an idiot! And ugly! And lives with his cat Pebbles!"
LOL! Loved the recap even though I don't watch the show.
1 of 1 | Posted by ReiRay | Posted on July 7, 2009 10:14 AM