This week, America's Got Talent embarks on the Vegas Verdicts, but I will instead be calling them the Montage Mandates for reasons that will soon become obvious. Before the main titles we get what will essentially be a summary of everything that happens tonight: judges fly in on a private plan (economy be damned!), eliminate some people, ruthlessly interogate others, and that hick guy cries. You could really head to bed now if you wanted.

There's lots of lovely arials of Los Vegas and Nick Cannon talks a lot from some helicopter, and then it's time to bring in the "talent" we've acquired from all over America. I like to pretend that the ones they picked the in the earlier weeks had to follow the show around for the duration of the auditions and it was the judges' responsibility to feed and clean up after them. But that's silly. Instead, they payed to fly over 160 acts into Las Vegas only to eliminate most of them immediately. Someone on the Nevada Tourism Board saw these people coming.

So now begins our intense, hour-long game of Remember These People? Everytime I spotted someone I remembered I would feel: 1.) Excitement at being such a loyal AGT viewer. 2.) Slight shame at knowing these 160 acts probably way better than like, I don't know, the 100 American senators or 50 state capitals or something. 3.) Embarassment as I remembered the usually stupid-in-hindsight jokes I made about them. He looks like a Sim? That was the best I had? 4.) Intense shame as I took another bite of Snickers Ice Cream. Everyone wanders around a deserted airfield, thankfully forced by the producers to wear the exact same clothes we saw them in originally.

But wait! Nick informs us that the judges will be eliminating some of our favorites right away! We get a lot of footage of Piers, Sharon, and David looking stressed on the plane, and Sharon tells us how difficult it will be to make so many cuts so soon. Yeah, you and David thought the likeable votes were SUCH a good idea at the time, didn't you Shar? Now it's time to pay the price! They review the tapes of the auditions and some paperwork that I like to imagine are my recaps.

So basically the judges watch the entire first five weeks in like twenty seconds (those with envy, join the club) and we begin an evening of sneaky editor hijinks designed to keep us in suspense for as long as possible. You see, dear readers, the show's bread and butter tonight will be showing us several acts in rapid succession as the judges voice over something extremely positive or negative, but we have no idea which act they meant. Is Kelly from Idol or that thirteen-year-old their favorite singer? Is the guy with the hook or the glass-eater the one they plan to dump? Who are they going to beat to death in the alleyway after the show, Alicia or Nick Cannon?

Nick, serving in the same capacity as a basic talent wrangler, tells the assembled masses that we're playing American Idol tonight and they have to divide into these four groups. Kelly immediately bursts into tears.

The giant Where's Waldo game continues as all the acts proceed into the crowded hangar, ready to meet their fate. Or have a four-way gang fight. That would be pretty sick, now that I think about it. Instead, the judges arrive on schedule and David gives us all the same spiel that we've had a million times: they can't all go through, this was tough, etc. We're starting with Group A! Initial impression: eh. I like that yodeling dominatrix, but that's all I canpick out. But the judges have voted them to stay! So it looks like the dominatrix, Acrodunk, and the piano-playing Asian are the most well-known (by me) that are still in it thus far.

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Posted in America's Got Talent by Moorels at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: nyc cookie on Aug 1, 2009 03:11 PM.