A'ight kiddies, tonight was part deux of the "Tuesday Night Event" to show us the last ten performers up for your consideration and tell us which losers are really losers, and which losers are only losers for one more week. The Jerr-ster assures us tonight will be "a night to remember" but I feel that most likely, sitting alone with a notebook and drinking micheladas while watching David Hasselhoff and making fun of him to no one in particular does not a festive night make.
And yet, with more "Star Wars"-esque graphics and the booming announcer voice introducing all of tonight's acts, I do sort of feel like I might be at a boxing match. Are you ready to rumble? Oh, no. That's Jerry's other show.
During their introductions, Sharon is dressed like a witch and The Hoff just smiles like the self-satisfied little bitch that he is. He remarks, "Tonight we've got Southern guys, Southern girls, we've got guys on stilts, we've got guys in girls' bodies..." Jerry is quite quick with his comeback, "Sounds like MY show!" Ha ha, good one, Jerr. Now sit down. You're on HASSELHOFF's show now.
Hoff prophesizes, "Tonight... hearts will be broken... and dreams will be made." Does he write this shit himself?
The first group to entertain us tonight are the Second Story Guys, who perform to the Gloria Estefan cover of "Turn The Beat Around." Is there any greater song on earth? Still, they dance better than most white guys can do even on solid ground. Trust me - last weekend I saw two guys doing the jump-and-clap-and-WHOO! with the awkward pelvic shake to top it all off. Unacceptable.
It's like a gay LSD nightmare.
After that, I challenge any of you to look me straight in the eye and tell me those dudes are heterosexuals. I dare you. Piers loves them and calls them "fresh." I say they each look a little bit like Lance Bass.
Even the black guy.
Hoff says, "No pun intended...." and makes a lame tall joke. But really, when are any of your puns unintended, Hoffy? We all know you guys have a team of writers backstage. Jerry even makes a couple of "size doesn't matter" jokes. How original!
After a short break, the girl group Southern Girl strut out onstage in unison wearing coordinated dresses and shoop-de-doop their way through "If I Ain't Got You."
One beat before the "KAPOW!" of the hips.
Originally, I made fun of Angela, Mistee and Shekoia because of their stripper names, but they've got loads of personality and actual talent. They flirt and wink and shimmy when necessary. They've got that X-factor that everyone in L.A. wishes they had and only 2% actually do. Grandpa Hasselhoff even puts on his specs to get a better look.
"Yessssss ladies... shake it for Daddy..."
In their judging, Piers and Sharon rightly tell them that they had a couple of off-notes, and that they can't tell who is the lead. Well, hey, at least they changed up the song and made it their own. Remember that awful set of twins who butchered the Alicia Keys song with boredom a few weeks back? Anyway, one of the girls (probably the one will one day become the lead) stands up and says to them, "I just want you to know, there ISN'T a lead. We are a group. We all lead, we all sing." No lead? Weak! Is that what Beyoncè said? NO. Is that what Diana Ross said? NO. Is that what Paul McCartney and John Lennon said? NO. They fought over the lead position while Ringo didn't get shit.
Next is the Popovich Comedy Theatre, which, until this moment, I never realized had such a thought-out and established name. The main dude says his family has been in the circus for 4 generations. How appropriate that you came to this show, then! Their set is very elaborate; they even sprung for fake snow. Unfortunately, not much happens except for a dog eating a mini-wiener off of a plate. And if I'm not mistaken, that's not a trick. That's just called having a pet. In fact, the act is so boring that I will even compare it to the disappointing magician from last week. The kind of act that makes three minutes seem excruciatingly long.
Oh my God. I've never seen anything so amazing. *Sigh*
Of course the judges agree with me, and Piers even uses his all-powerful X-ing ability against them. Even animal softie Sharon thinks it was crap. This puts bitchy Daughter Popovich into a bad mood.
"Papa, buy me a new ferret. Now!"
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Comments (1)
IF I voted, I would've voted for Cas and Faultline... I only like the lead singer though. That guy can sing his heart out. The rest of them.. meh....
1 of 1 | Posted by Shollia
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Posted on July 28, 2007 1:53 AM