Up next is our favorite stoner-turned-stay at home dad, Cas Haley, to whom I also affectionately refer as "Mr. New Chuck Taylors." Yes, his wardrobe leaves a bit to be desired, and yes, he's kind of a pussy and cries every episode, but his voice is great and he has a real presence. The ironic thing is that he tells us that his parents were both musicians so he knows how hard it is to make a living and provide for your family in this business... but somehow uses this as a rationalization for how he will provide for HIS family by being a musician. Huh-wha-??
Makin' the big bucks?
He sings "Higher and Higher," which is a lovely song, but now I have to go on a tangent and say what the hell ever happened to songwriting?? I mean, surely a man who FEEEEELS this much and has a musical inclination and who has probably been through some shit can take a crack at writing a song of his own. I mean, we're not expecting Britney Spears to write her own shit but certainly this guy has a brain in his head and a heart in his body so that should add up to something. Are they not allowed to perform their own material or something? What, if he makes it will he just sing Bob Marley and Dave Matthews songs on tour? Come on, brother man... just a few days ago I saw a band that consisted of a bunch of 17- and 18-year-olds, and even THEY had at least 20 original songs, good ones too! You've had 30 years to get this right.
Anyway.... the judges are absolutely floored by him and completely blow his talent out of proportion, but I think we can all agree he's good and will return. He waves (and cries a li'l) to his 18-month-old in the audience, ensuring the parent vote (not to mention the idealistic, love-hungry, sensitive-man-seeking girl vote).
Next is a man who, whenever interviewed, makes me want to smack him across the face just because I imagine he's the type of guy who'd use a bad line on ya in a bar ("Hey, you know what I like about you? Everything"). I imagine that outside of his craft he is a telemarketer or perhaps T.G.I. Friday's waiter. But then when he performs I'm all, "Awww, he's pretty good." Yes, it's the only decent ventriloquist left in America, Terry Fator.
"I like your shirt. It'll look really good when it's rumpled up beside my bed."
He waltzes out onstage with a turtle puppet and an introduction to sing "What A Wonderful World." I think, Oh great, he's gonna have the turtle be Satchmo? Nice, I roll my eyes. What a douche. Keep your cocktail to yourself, buddy. But then he starts the act and the turtle is doing the song as Kermit The Frog! "Cooooool!" I practically yell out loud. Wow, that was unnecessary. Sorry, I'm partial to Muppets.
But then, THEN the turtle says in the middle of the song, "Are YOU gonna do an impersonation?" and then Terry (what a douchey name!) starts singing as a pitch-perfect Satchmo!! YES! I have to admit that it's definitely unique. Fuckin' weird, and how long will America be amused by this?, but definitely unique. And it made me stop thinking he's a douchenozzle. That's the most impressive part, to be honest with you. Apparently all it takes to get me to warm up to you is an unexpected Louis Armstrong impression. Who knew?
Now performing is The Faultline, the beatboxing/singing group. The lead dude says that just before this opportunity, they were "steps away from breaking up."
Literally. Breaking up is just across the street.
But fortunately Piers 'N' Gang have revived their love for performing. During this particular act they sounded good enough... they didn't tear their shirts off or anything, but there was some pelvic action on the lead's part so I guess snarky beggars can't be choosers. It'll do. However, during their act I notice a line in Wacko Jacko's "The Way You Make Me Feel" that I never had before: "You're just a product of loneliness." That's so condescending. It has nothing to do with this group at all, but isn't that so condescending?
Assy and the McDouches
Oh joy! Next is Boy Shakira, the contestant we hate to love, the man whom all men watching feel awkward over fantasizing about. Even better, the editors tease us with the revelation that tonight, he/she will NOT be Shakira! It will be a surprise! But we can all tell by the shadowy pigtails that he will now be our favorite crack ho.
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Comments (1)
IF I voted, I would've voted for Cas and Faultline... I only like the lead singer though. That guy can sing his heart out. The rest of them.. meh....
1 of 1 | Posted by Shollia
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Posted on July 28, 2007 1:53 AM