After her is Byron, who apparently is WAY older than I previously thought, but is still quite weepy. You know, he should really hook up with Cinda Ramseur. They'd have depressed little babies. He sings the most completely miserable version of "Don't You Remember You Told Me You Loved Me," but I think he could be the next Luther Vandross. Not my style, but he's not bad. Michael, our rotund old-fashioned style singer who fought his way through to this round, has come down with the flu. He combats it with a shot of Robotussin and O.J.
Hard-core!
He pulls it together in time to sing his heart out and still sounds like the nun from "The Sound Of Music." However, you can TOTALLY tell he's a choir director, just from the way he holds himself onstage. He reminds me of my 7th grade choir teacher, Mrs. Scholz, with his perfect facial expressions and vocal intonations.
"LIFT the eyebrows, OPEN the jaw, RAISE the sternum..."
Finally the musical acts are over with. As the contestants wait for the judges to make their decision, we hear a chorus of faded voices from the weepiest contestants expressing their delicate hopes. I say, let's get to the dream crushing, shall we? First of all, each of the youngest contestants get through. That means Johnny Come Lately, Li'l Grandpa, as well as Talentless 14-Year-Old (BLAST!). With many of the other acts, they do that whole fake-out thang where they make 'em think they're going home, then at the last minute say something like, "unfortunately............ we have to keep you in Vegas for another week" or some bullshit. It gets pretty tired after about, oh, ONCE. Luckily for us, they're playing an awful Mariah Carey song to help illustrate the drama of the situation. What I want to know is, who does NBC have to blow to get the rights to all of these Top-40 shitsteaks anyway??? YES! Weepy goes HOME! Victory is mine!
Boo Freakin' Hoo.
Piers says to the last group, "I'm sorry, but... you're going through." Bad one, Piersy Boy! You fucked up that joke! You're supposed to make it seem like staying is a BAD thing, otherwise that sorry doesn't make any sense... aw forget it. Now that that's out of the way, we can move on to the interesting bit... the variety show. First up is Grandma Pearl, and I just wonder why does every goddamn intro have to be sad and in slow motion? This guy's a comedian for God's sake! Give him some circus music at least! And I swear to Christ, if they use that fucking "All Or Nothing At All" one more time, I'm coming after you, Rickey Minor! Anyway, Grandma Pearl doesn't do so well, which leads into a montage of people who are sucking ass and fucking up in various ways, including the knife thrower. Gasp!
Does Reality TV God love me this much??
I get all excited but then the knife just bounces off of the corkboard flaccidly. Dammit - that definitely didn't lead into the ambulance shot we've been promised for the last two weeks. That would have been awesome. Everybody is wearing the same outfits and using the same material and shtick as before, and that's very disappointing. I mean, if I wanted that, I could have just read my own damn recap from two weeks ago. Piers even says, "You'd think they'd come out like a hurricane and grab our hearts......... grab our minds........."
"Grab our nuts..."
But that's the last thing that anyone here is doing. So, Jerry narrates that David is coming out to give everyone a pep talk. I go, "David who??" Oh yeah, The Hoff. He tries to talk some sense into these folks, and during his speech he gets very passionate until he starts to shout, and then he gets all intimidating and quiet at the end and holds everyone's attention. I think he'd make a great used-car salesman.
Or televangelist.
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Comments (9)
Type 2 diabetes....nice
1 of 9 | Posted by Madeyoulaugh
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Posted on July 11, 2007 10:36 AM
Really, what's up with all the freaks moving on? Why?
Funny, how one of the rockabilly kids asked "Why, of all the shows, this one had to be our worse?" Perhaps, because you guys were goofing off instead of practicing?
Two of the magicians were excellent! The third, the one that looks like the butler from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, stunk!
2 of 9 | Posted by jmchez
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Posted on July 11, 2007 11:18 AM
okay, i don't know if i can watch this anymore. i mean, they say that the baton twirler had been the first one to show great improvement, but they dont' let him through. but, Boy Shakira gets through? does this make sense to anyone? please explain.
3 of 9 | Posted by BlueEyedAngel
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Posted on July 11, 2007 12:22 PM
I didn't watch it all, just up until right before Boy Shakira performed.
He really got through??
WHY????
He's obviously out of his GD mind. That would be like the judges on AI letting through all of the psychos that think they can sing.
Or SYTYCD letting in that guy that calls himself "Sex".
Seriously... WTF???
Anyways... the magicians were really cool. Loved the older guy. Don't know how the heck he did that trick but it was cool as hell.
I also like the chubby guy singer with his guitar and the acapella rock group... wish they had shown them more b/c that singer is amazing.
4 of 9 | Posted by Shollia
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Posted on July 11, 2007 9:45 PM
^ yea i believe his name is Cass. i absolutely love him.. He has a Brad Nowell (from Sublime) element to hos voice, mixed with a little Mraz and John Popper. I hope he makes it way far.
5 of 9 | Posted by cansnuts
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Posted on July 12, 2007 7:20 AM
"Angelhoff"
Loved the recap!
6 of 9 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on July 12, 2007 10:02 AM
Some of my previous comment didn't show up. "Angelhoff" cracked me up. :)
7 of 9 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on July 12, 2007 10:06 AM
I think this article sums it pretty well, but I would argue the varied talent just adds to the entertainment value. I love America's Got Talent, and can't wait to see the 2 hour premiere tomorrow night.
8 of 9 | Posted by punkypower | Posted on June 16, 2008 12:53 PM
Simon Cowell says the new season has the best talent he's ever seen on any reality tv show ever, and we all know what a harsh judge he is. Hasselhoff has posted a video blog on NBC to give us a preview as to what to expect on tonight's premiere, check it out:
www.nbc.com/Americas_Got_Talent/video/index.shtml#mea=263862
9 of 9 | Posted by sundancekid82 | Posted on June 17, 2008 10:31 AM