A dreadfully long intro shows us weeks 1, 2 and a bit of tonight's episode. You know, if there's one thing reality TV loves to do, it's toot its own horn, cramming its made-up ratings down your throat until you're like, "Huh. Maybe this IS a good show." Don't let them win, America! You don't have to like the circus if you don't want to! We finally are introduced to the great city of Chicago, home of Jerry Springer. Well, right off the bat this sounds promising. I'm hoping tonight will bring a great amount of hope-dashing and tear-filled exits. And perhaps a funky saxophonist.

Our first victim is Consuelo, who claims to be able to sing a combination of Gregorian chant-slash-blues-slash-gospel. Say wha-? Well, I can't see how this will work out for her, but stranger things have happened.

Like being swallowed alive by a pattern boa constrictor.

She starts off with a holy-sounding chime ringing from afar, and bellows out a few operatic notes. As she wraps up the last note, a jazzy piano accompaniment kicks in and she starts singing the blues, only... in the same voice as the Gregorian chant section. Not very sultry, if you ask me. She's got a terrible falsetto, and I think if she just took it down an octave or two she might be okay. But we have no such luck and the judges despise her. She sounds like a cat being skinned. Did Piers already say that about someone?

"You look like Hilary Clinton on acid," says Piers snootily. Dammit! He should be writing for TVgasm!

After this genre-crossing delight we've got an adorable little group called Sideswipe, comprised of four buff young men who do a sort of a dancing/martial arts sorta thang. Hey, that's cool, baby. Whatever you're into. All I know is that I wouldn't want these guys to be coming after me.

Especially if I lived in a musical.

They were here last year but had to back out after one of 'em got a boo-boo on his ankle. Poor little lamb.

Let mama come and kiss it better!

As soon as they take off their shirts, they've got every horny old lady's vote in the house.

"Yes please!"

They kick ass in many ways, doing all kinds of karate acrobatics and so forth. Their performance is, for lack of a better word, tight. Everyone just looooooves them and as they stand in front of the judges, I question whether this guy on the left is wearing a g-string under his pants or if he just has a smashing dick arrow.

Does it really matter?

Piers theorizes that they may just win the competition and I think, wouldn't that be amazing? If a bunch of dancing fighters won "America's Got Talent?" Or better yet! if it came down to A DANCE-OFF! Gets me tingly just thinking about it.

What better way to bring down the mood than to follow up with a Big Pussy?

Jason dreams of being a country star, but something about him seems actor-ish. He seems like a British actor trying to portray a Southerner. He's got the home-grown politeness act down pat though, and as soon as he calls Sharon "ma'am" she gets all flustered and wet over him. Now, I may be biased because if there are two things in life I hate, it's pussy boys and country music. But he sings an awful song that includes the lines, "I went skydivin', I went mountain climbin', I went 2.7 seconds on a bull called Fu Manchu..." I mean come on. Only the idiocy that is country music could wrap up those lyrics with a sappy message of hope that y'all can live like yer dyin'. NEXT!

Piers thinks it was bland (thank God!), and at that the Hoff gets all uppity, saying Piers is like a bad pastor (spot on, Hoff!) and starts ranting, "Who the hell made you the boss of this show?!" whilst doing his impression of a British person, which looks strangely like an impression of a stereotypically gay person.

"Don't even go there, girlfriend!"

They let him through despite Piers. Dammit, that's a hope fulfilled! NOT what I want to see here, people!

« Recap: So You Think You Can Dance Results: J'accuse!! | | Recap: Inferno: Don't Choke »

Posted in America's Got Talent by O. Snapp at 7:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Last Comment: Tony A. on Jun 21, 2007 09:35 AM.

Comments (4)

brendahamLincoln :

Okay, I didn't even get past reading the first page before I HAD to start writing my comment. First off, thank you for putting up your recap so fast, O. Snapp, second, you had me choking on my slushy with your comments about Sideswipe, and especially the screen grab of Sharon. Dick arrow is my new favorite phrase.

Okay, now that I've read the rest of the recap, I have to say that you and Flipit are my favorite "new school" recappers.

Yeah, what a lame attempt at drama from the Hoff. He needs to drink more. This episode reeked of producer interference. It's the only explanation for why some good or decent performers get turned down, like the tiny krunk dancer kids, and why boring or weird acts go through, like Boy Shakira and Pakistani Pedro. Whatever, it's not like American Idol where the winner becomes some huge star. I'm not even sure who won last year. Some ugly girl, right?

1 of 4 | Posted by brendahamLincoln | Posted on June 20, 2007 2:20 PM

Clair :

Another excellent recap. I had WTF thoughts through most of the show too. Boy Shakira? Please.

2 of 4 | Posted by Clair | Posted on June 20, 2007 3:59 PM

Merick :

I recorded this, and I'm pretty sure that during the dummy/midget act that we saw one camera angle in which a dummy was in there, and then the view switched to another camera and a person was in there. Really makes me wonder what happened.

3 of 4 | Posted by Merick | Posted on June 20, 2007 7:07 PM

Tony A. :

I grew tired of saying and thinking "WTF?" Boy Shakira was the pits and HE got through? And I figured Pakistani Pedro was in for some serious Brit whoop-ass from Piers, but he was "one of the most amazing dancers he's ever seen"? Well, blow me down! Lucy, he's got some 'splainin' to do!

The Hoff. What can I say? I was just thinking his wife must be some serious beer-swilling, pot-smoking, pussy giving trailer trash if HE got custody of their kids. His lame attempt at the spotlight matched his worst performance at "Baywatch", albeit without the aid of gorgeous ta-tas. On the other hand, I love Sharon's "Nanny" performance. She's a hoot. She should invite Ozzie to be a guest judge some night. Now, that would be some show.

O. Snapp, I love your writing style. Like the guy above, I love "Dick Arrow". Sounds like some comic-book nerdy villain.

4 of 4 | Posted by Tony A. | Posted on June 21, 2007 9:35 AM

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