Next is an extremely enunciative gentleman named Terry, and he says that he's been a ventriloquist for twenty years. A'ight, first of all: another goddamn ventriloquist?? Has this been making a comeback that I never knew about?? What the hell? Second of all: I've said it before and I'll say it again... if you've been doing something for twenty years and still haven't been "discovered," you're probably not going to ever get discovered. My money is already on the no for this dude.
"Just GET IN THERE! And I don't wanna hear a PEEP outta you!"
Surprisingly enough, after an annoying beginning, he has his puppet "Emma" actually do an impression of Etta James' "At Last" and I have to say, it wasn't bad at all. I've never seen something like this done with ventriloquism (out of all the millions of times we've seen it on this fucking show) so it was very interesting. I was even... well... impressed. Don't tell anyone, but it's true. I mean, if this guy hadn't accidentally picked up a book on ventriloquism when he was 10 (as he claims), he might have simply ended up as a trannie celebrity impressionist and been grouped in with all of the other trannies last week. What a shame that would have been!
After a moderately funny Ashlee Simpson joke where the puppet lip synchs to nothing, the judges all express their undying love and respect for this consummate performer and let him through to Vegas. Eh, they've let in people with less talent than him, so it's all good with Snapp.
After the commercial break is little Francis, who seems to be a little Aretha. All she wants out of life is to belt her little heart out and inspire people.
Nice soft focus, editors. Way to hide her wrinkles.
Unfortunately, as she sings that Kelly Clarkson song that has led so many wannabe singers astray, she gets quite nasally and, if I dare use the term correctly, tone-deaf. How tragic for our young Aretha. Rancho-Dad Hoff emerges to let'er down easy and keeps telling her she shouldn't cry because she did her best (true). Piers tells her to stop crying because if she wants to make it in showbiz she's got to toughen up and just get better for next time (doubly true).
One of the most oft-used competition reality TV lines that I wish would disappear: "And it's not just HER dream that comes to an end..." Also, they should seriously stop with the sappy slo-mo montages set to shitty music for the people who aren't good enough (or bad enough) to even get their own profiled segment. Honestly, they used a fucking Celine Dion song earlier, and now they're getting on with that awful "All or Nothing At All" song that's been played to death and I just want to strangle whoever is choosing this shit.
Sorry. So um, yeah, now they give us one of those that focuses on the untalented children of America. It's sappy. But capping it off is someone a little older, someone hopefully a bit more talented. Someone who looks like the grown-up version of that girl Jurnee Smollett, former child actress, but if she was an elf.
Remember this chick?
Meet her elfin doppelganger.
Her name is Butterscotch, and she describes her beatboxing as "a natural high." All said with half-closed eyes and an uber-relaxed voice. Sure. Natural high. And organic beer makes me naturally drunk. She also brought a banana with her in case her voice gets dry? Has she ever heard of this amazing new drink called water?
Anyway, she beatboxes her way into the hearts of all of America as well as the judges by singing at the same time. She's pretty awesome and really brings out the funky side of Hasselhoff.
Time to boogie!
There's no way they wouldn't pass her through. Yay! She didn't even need her banana.
Now we've got a British guy named John England who dresses in a super-American glitter outfit and looks like Bill Clinton. Got it?
"Define affair."
He's dressed like Liberace but, unfortunately for him, does not have much of the same, um, pizzazz that Liberace possessed. When this guy plays the piano, he sounds like he should be playing in a schmancy penthouse restaurant in New York. In the 80s. It's just lounge-y and boring, to be perfectly honest.
Next is a mime who talks an awful lot and is wearing my favorite animal print evar.
"Help! I'm trapped in an invisible box of bad patterns!"
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Comments (4)
Okay, I didn't even get past reading the first page before I HAD to start writing my comment. First off, thank you for putting up your recap so fast, O. Snapp, second, you had me choking on my slushy with your comments about Sideswipe, and especially the screen grab of Sharon. Dick arrow is my new favorite phrase.
Okay, now that I've read the rest of the recap, I have to say that you and Flipit are my favorite "new school" recappers.
Yeah, what a lame attempt at drama from the Hoff. He needs to drink more. This episode reeked of producer interference. It's the only explanation for why some good or decent performers get turned down, like the tiny krunk dancer kids, and why boring or weird acts go through, like Boy Shakira and Pakistani Pedro. Whatever, it's not like American Idol where the winner becomes some huge star. I'm not even sure who won last year. Some ugly girl, right?
1 of 4 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on June 20, 2007 2:20 PM
Another excellent recap. I had WTF thoughts through most of the show too. Boy Shakira? Please.
2 of 4 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on June 20, 2007 3:59 PM
I recorded this, and I'm pretty sure that during the dummy/midget act that we saw one camera angle in which a dummy was in there, and then the view switched to another camera and a person was in there. Really makes me wonder what happened.
3 of 4 | Posted by Merick
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Posted on June 20, 2007 7:07 PM
I grew tired of saying and thinking "WTF?" Boy Shakira was the pits and HE got through? And I figured Pakistani Pedro was in for some serious Brit whoop-ass from Piers, but he was "one of the most amazing dancers he's ever seen"? Well, blow me down! Lucy, he's got some 'splainin' to do!
The Hoff. What can I say? I was just thinking his wife must be some serious beer-swilling, pot-smoking, pussy giving trailer trash if HE got custody of their kids. His lame attempt at the spotlight matched his worst performance at "Baywatch", albeit without the aid of gorgeous ta-tas. On the other hand, I love Sharon's "Nanny" performance. She's a hoot. She should invite Ozzie to be a guest judge some night. Now, that would be some show.
O. Snapp, I love your writing style. Like the guy above, I love "Dick Arrow". Sounds like some comic-book nerdy villain.
4 of 4 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on June 21, 2007 9:35 AM