He is full of outrageous claims, such as "I invented the Mimewalk, which became the Moonwalk" and "I am the originator of strutting, popping, waving, and breaking," which is kind of funny because he looks to be about 31 years old. "Everyone in the world is literally being me," he says. Uh, delusions of grandeur anyone? Also, nice misuse of the word "literally." I'll have to add that to my collection.
Not so oddly enough, the kind of dancing he does on stage is not unlike the kind you would see from any drunk 40-year-old at a club: bad, off-rhythm, and makes you cringe in embarrassment for the guy (or any of his family members. God help him if he's got teenage daughters). He also sings, which is weird for a mime. I mean, a mime who still uses his voice is just... a dude wearing silly makeup.
After he gets booed off the stage, up comes Charlie, who says his style is derived from the "middle of Asia."
Or the marshes of Louisiana.
If I were the host of one of these shows (God help America), I would have a rule that anyone who describes himself as "quite exceptional" and dresses like a young Colonel Sanders is automatically out. I don't even want to hear your frickin' banjo song, get off my stage.
What he actually does is sing a bluegrass song (unsurprisingly) and mixes in some humming that sounds like a didgeridoo. You know, one of those instruments used in "Crocodile Dundee Part 2." You know, in the middle of Asia?
Anyway, enough of that bullshit. Let's move on to Luigi, also known as Boy Shakira.
Separated at birth?
He says he does this act because he identifies with Shakira. "I have lived a lot of things that she has probably lived." Hmm. Perhaps. She probably has grown up with a lot of identity and gender issues, possibly some trouble living up to her father's expectations, that sort of thing. "I love her a lot because she's real. She's original, she's authentic, she's herself." Ah, yes. Glad to see she's inspired you to do the same. Be herself.
From the moment he comes on stage, Boy Shakira has total command of the audience. I say give him a prime time sitcom right now! As he starts his predictably zany act, the Hoff X's him about three seconds in. However, the other two judges let him continue.
"shakeitshakeitshakeitshakeit!"
At least he really goes all out. I mean, we're talking seriously vicious booty-shaking here. He even flips his head over a few times and I wonder how the hell he keeps that wig on? In any case, after his performance he spends the same amount of time thanking the audience for their applause, pacing back and forth around the stage as a true performer would do. I bet Shakira does that.
So the Hoff hates drag queens in general, I think. Maybe it threatens his manhood. Sharon LOVES drag queens in general. Maybe it justifies her wearing fake eyelashes. The most surprising thing here is that Piers lets Boy Shakira through to the next round. What? WTF is going on around here? I mean, sure it was a cute act and all, but you think this can win a million bucks? For his exit music, we are treated to slo-mo and the song "A Moment Like This." CHRIST. Just STOP IT, man.
Anyway, Hasselhoff isn't very happy about this outcome, and throws a little Hoffy-fit. He storms off the stage in a Hoff, but soon comes back after a producer asks him nicely. Wait, that's it? I've had to watch commercials all week boasting a Hoff blowup just for THIS? That is so lame.
Luckily, the next group up is pretty cool. They're an inner city after-school krumping group that's straight outta "Rize."
Strangely, out of the 10 people on stage, only about 3 of them do anything special, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. I thought they were definitely better than Boy Shakira though. But Sharon and Piers give them a no. What is up tonight? This reeks of producer interference.
Pussy Alert!
Boo Freakin' Hoo.
This dude is cryin' about his woman and baby back home and says he's struggling to provide for them, so he's trying to make it as a singer. All with a country western cover of Aerosmith's "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" rolling in the background. Gross. Sorry, but if your family is depending on you to put food on the table, shouldn't you be, y'know... working? At a real job?
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Comments (4)
Okay, I didn't even get past reading the first page before I HAD to start writing my comment. First off, thank you for putting up your recap so fast, O. Snapp, second, you had me choking on my slushy with your comments about Sideswipe, and especially the screen grab of Sharon. Dick arrow is my new favorite phrase.
Okay, now that I've read the rest of the recap, I have to say that you and Flipit are my favorite "new school" recappers.
Yeah, what a lame attempt at drama from the Hoff. He needs to drink more. This episode reeked of producer interference. It's the only explanation for why some good or decent performers get turned down, like the tiny krunk dancer kids, and why boring or weird acts go through, like Boy Shakira and Pakistani Pedro. Whatever, it's not like American Idol where the winner becomes some huge star. I'm not even sure who won last year. Some ugly girl, right?
1 of 4 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on June 20, 2007 2:20 PM
Another excellent recap. I had WTF thoughts through most of the show too. Boy Shakira? Please.
2 of 4 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on June 20, 2007 3:59 PM
I recorded this, and I'm pretty sure that during the dummy/midget act that we saw one camera angle in which a dummy was in there, and then the view switched to another camera and a person was in there. Really makes me wonder what happened.
3 of 4 | Posted by Merick
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Posted on June 20, 2007 7:07 PM
I grew tired of saying and thinking "WTF?" Boy Shakira was the pits and HE got through? And I figured Pakistani Pedro was in for some serious Brit whoop-ass from Piers, but he was "one of the most amazing dancers he's ever seen"? Well, blow me down! Lucy, he's got some 'splainin' to do!
The Hoff. What can I say? I was just thinking his wife must be some serious beer-swilling, pot-smoking, pussy giving trailer trash if HE got custody of their kids. His lame attempt at the spotlight matched his worst performance at "Baywatch", albeit without the aid of gorgeous ta-tas. On the other hand, I love Sharon's "Nanny" performance. She's a hoot. She should invite Ozzie to be a guest judge some night. Now, that would be some show.
O. Snapp, I love your writing style. Like the guy above, I love "Dick Arrow". Sounds like some comic-book nerdy villain.
4 of 4 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on June 21, 2007 9:35 AM