He gets up and does a pretty mediocre job, or so I thought. He was enthusiastic, I'll give him that, but there just wasn't anything spectacular about him to me. The judges disagree, however, and get all wet over him and put him through to Vegas. I say, "shmeh."
The next contestants up are The Second Story Guys, who look to me like 30-year-old Backstreet Boy auditioners.
"Shop at J. Crew!"
However, when they come on stage, we realize why they're called Second Story.
So they're like the Backstreet Boys on stilts. I put my hands together and pray: "Are you there, Reality God? It's me, O. Snapp. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life, Reality God, please, PLEASE let these guys lose their balance and go 'whuh-whuh-whoooaaaaaaaa!' and fall down!"
No such luck. Reality God must have been over at "On The Lot" shoving more cocaine up the host's nose. No, these guys did a standup job, pulling off some truly amazing feats for being on stilts.
Well-coordinated and charismatic, they wowed the judges and speedily went through to the next round.
During the next montage, I spot someone who looks terribly familiar. Isn't this the kid who did a balancing act with his dad in Texas?
Same?
Maybe not, but I thought so for a sec. Hey, ya know what we've been needing in this competition? A little more sex.
Cha cha cha!
The Hot Pink Feathers are a charming little burlesque group made up of the usual types of people who do theatrical striptease: a Pilates instructor, a bartender/waitress, and a neuropsychological testing technician. Total.
They come up on stage and Hasselhoff L-O-V-E-S them automatically.
The Hoff says, "Giggity Giggity."
But he also realizes they won't go far and X's them pretty quick. As you may expect, they should not quit their dayjobs.
Next up is a band of boys called The Faultline and I just want to know, whatever happened to the Battle Of The Bands?
They do an a capella beatboxing version of "Some Kind Of Wonderful" and in truth, they are a pretty tight act. They gain the love of the judges and get to go to Vegas.
After a few more silly acts, we are introduced to a creepy-looking magician named Kevin James. You read right. Apparently he used to be a Copperfield choreographer and now wants to get some damn recognition of his own.
CREEPY
His act starts off a bit slow as he seems to be building a little body out of separate parts. When he goes to put the head on, he drops it and it goes rolling down off the stage. Yeesh. There's nothing more humiliating than having to have an audience member give you your head back.
"Whoops-a-Daisy!"
But aha! This was all a ploy to distract us, because when we look back at him he's got a real live man in there! Silly monkey.
Aww, so cute!
Good show, old chap, no one saw that one coming.
Which, of course, should lead us right into the Ass Man. No, really. He breaks things with his butt.
Do NOT try this at home.
And all to the tune of "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot. I found it a little funny, if totally immature. I bet he wins all the ladies with this awesome skill. I also bet you can bounce a quarter off that ass. I only wonder, how did he come to realize he had this ability? Did he practice for years to perfect this craft? Or was he just sitting around with his stoner friends one day, giggle, and say, "I wonder if I can break things with my ass cheeks?" I'm going with the latter.
An apt follow-up is li'l 80-year-old Ada, whose husband died a year ago. She's adorable and lovely and very short.
"Go Grandma, it's your birthday.."
She sings in that old-fashioned glamour Broadway manner, and mixes it up with some comedy. She's a fine old broad, and she even makes the Grinch in Hasselhoff smile.
Old Ma brings it on home and hits the spot in Jerry Springer. He's such a softie! Piers says no, Sharon says yes, then Piers says, "After 80 years, your final shot at the big time rests in the hands of David Hasselhoff." Well-said, my snarky man. Well-said. Of course, who's a bigger softie than the Hoff? She gets through easily.
Alright, my children, we're at the final audition. His name is Kashif and he's soft-spoken, has sort of a lisp, and says he's got some special moves. He's kind of like a Pakistani Pedro.
"Maybe you could build her a cake or something."
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Comments (4)
Okay, I didn't even get past reading the first page before I HAD to start writing my comment. First off, thank you for putting up your recap so fast, O. Snapp, second, you had me choking on my slushy with your comments about Sideswipe, and especially the screen grab of Sharon. Dick arrow is my new favorite phrase.
Okay, now that I've read the rest of the recap, I have to say that you and Flipit are my favorite "new school" recappers.
Yeah, what a lame attempt at drama from the Hoff. He needs to drink more. This episode reeked of producer interference. It's the only explanation for why some good or decent performers get turned down, like the tiny krunk dancer kids, and why boring or weird acts go through, like Boy Shakira and Pakistani Pedro. Whatever, it's not like American Idol where the winner becomes some huge star. I'm not even sure who won last year. Some ugly girl, right?
1 of 4 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on June 20, 2007 2:20 PM
Another excellent recap. I had WTF thoughts through most of the show too. Boy Shakira? Please.
2 of 4 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on June 20, 2007 3:59 PM
I recorded this, and I'm pretty sure that during the dummy/midget act that we saw one camera angle in which a dummy was in there, and then the view switched to another camera and a person was in there. Really makes me wonder what happened.
3 of 4 | Posted by Merick
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Posted on June 20, 2007 7:07 PM
I grew tired of saying and thinking "WTF?" Boy Shakira was the pits and HE got through? And I figured Pakistani Pedro was in for some serious Brit whoop-ass from Piers, but he was "one of the most amazing dancers he's ever seen"? Well, blow me down! Lucy, he's got some 'splainin' to do!
The Hoff. What can I say? I was just thinking his wife must be some serious beer-swilling, pot-smoking, pussy giving trailer trash if HE got custody of their kids. His lame attempt at the spotlight matched his worst performance at "Baywatch", albeit without the aid of gorgeous ta-tas. On the other hand, I love Sharon's "Nanny" performance. She's a hoot. She should invite Ozzie to be a guest judge some night. Now, that would be some show.
O. Snapp, I love your writing style. Like the guy above, I love "Dick Arrow". Sounds like some comic-book nerdy villain.
4 of 4 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on June 21, 2007 9:35 AM