After the Hoff in question makes everyone in the studio wait on account of his unsurprising prissy vanity, we get our first contestant. Guess where he's from?

Andy Williams, holla at ya boy!

Yes, the tacky town mentioned in our last recap has reappeared, and with a vengeance. This cowboy leaps around and yelps like a little girl who just got her pigtails pulled, but doesn't do much more than swing around his lasso. I am so relieved when Piers criticizes him for doing "not much more than twirlin' your rope around." See? Piers and I are one and the same, people. We're both bitches with no talent of our own.

You know, I used to think that Sharon was the Paula Abdul of this train wreck. However, upon further inspection, I realize that Hasselhoff is the true Paula. No matter how bad anyone is, he tries his darndest to make every single performer feel good.

Next up is hyper-articulate Cinda Ramseur (rhymes with Pasteur), and she claims to be a singer, but I think she is more of an actress, to be honest. She overpronounces every word with the weepiest eyes I've ever seen. And anyway, shouldn't singers be automatically delegated to the American Idol auditions? Whatev's.

"I just.... I just FEEL so much"

She sings her damn heart out and almost cries in the first few seconds. She's good though... she reminds me of that old singer Des'ree. Remember? She was on the soundtrack to "Romeo and Juliet?"

Wouldn't it be hilarious if that WAS Des'ree, making the slyest comeback of all time? That would be genius. Sharon purrs that no one is going to soon forget that name, and naturally the judges all let her through and make all of Cinda's dreams come true! Awww!

After a short commercial break, we come back to see a quick "freak" montage, wherein the editors equate drag queens with snake charmers and Alice Cooper look-alikes. Funny, I always put drag queens in the same category of the Pussycat Dolls.

*gasp!* Nicole Scherzingsphincter?

However, I don't know which category to put the next performer in... she sings "I Will Survive" with her mouth closed. I just wonder how it was that she perfected this technique?

OH GOD I THINK SHE'S GONNA BLOW!

It sounds downright unearthly, as though you're hearing someone trapped in a trunk sing "Disco Hits of the 70s." Jerry Springer makes some adorably sexist comments about how much he loves it when a woman keeps her mouth shut. Oh you! You know what I love? When has-been talk show hosts leave their careers nicely buried in the graveyard of the popular consciousness. Piers claims it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever seen, and I'm pretty sure that's saying a lot coming from him. Of course, it would be saying even more if it were coming from The Hoff. I can only imagine the outrageous acts he's seen in his day.

We are treated to a li'l montage of some truly ridiculous acts, set to all-too-appropriate circus music, including a fellow who puts himself through (and gets stuck in) the spin cycle (literally, he brings out a washer and everything), and this guy:

My first grade teacher Mrs. Olmstead???

Then they play the animal montage, which can only signal the start of the most annoying section of this competition. Maybe we'll get some nice parrot ventriloquism or even some belly-dancing ferrets. (Not so) coincidentally, this is happens to be Sharon's favorite part, and she claps enchantedly when a gentleman brings out his acrobatic cats.

The weird thing is, Hasselhoff loves it. Bwha??? I guess that guy'll eat anything you put in front of him. The Hoff tells him that it's just fantastic what he's doing, rescuing these cats from the shelter. Sure, and putting them on stage in front of 450 cheering people with music and lights flashing around them and making them do tricks is sure to soothe their spirits.

« Recap: So You Think You Can Dance: Nepo-tastic! | | Recap: Charm School: SLUTACIOUS!! »

Posted in America's Got Talent by O. Snapp at 7:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Last Comment: murphy's law on Jun 13, 2007 01:56 PM.

Comments (5)

Clair :

I thought Po-go stick boy should have been sent through to Vegas. If he had done his flip at the beginning, I think it would have wowed the judges enough. Maybe they should call it "America's got Musical Talent".

1 of 5 | Posted by Clair | Posted on June 13, 2007 10:26 AM

Tony A. :

Oh, damn, Snapp, you shortened up a bit too much. Did Reader's Digest call and offer you an audition? Your first recap was longer and far more interesting. OK, this one didn't suck, but way short on the snark factor. Get it together! I has spoken!

2 of 5 | Posted by Tony A. | Posted on June 13, 2007 10:35 AM

brendahamLincoln :

Holy hell, I loooved the rockabilly group. If I were 15, I'd go gay for the drummer. She was adorable. I might keep watching past the auditions this time around just to see them again.

Did anyone else realize who Tika the Valley Girl Rapper is? No? It's Sweetie from Flavor Of Love 1! Haaaaaa! She sucks.

3 of 5 | Posted by brendahamLincoln | Posted on June 13, 2007 12:34 PM

murphy's law :

You know, that is EXACTLY what it sounds like when someone is locked in a trunk... wait, I've said too much. Hell of a review though. Funnier than the actual show, and I didn't think that shit was possible.

4 of 5 | Posted by murphy's law | Posted on June 13, 2007 1:54 PM

murphy's law :

That is EXACTLY what it sounds like when someone's in a trun... wait, I've said to much. Awesome review, funnier than the actual show, and I didn't think that was possible. Nice!

5 of 5 | Posted by murphy's law | Posted on June 13, 2007 1:56 PM

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