But then wait..... PIERS? Piers passes them through to the next level? You've gotta be kidding me! I would expect this kind of behavior from Sharon... Hasselhoff even... but Piers?? WTF? Have you no shame?
"Please say hello to Fat-Ass Whiskers and my assistant, Jessica Biel"
From rescuing cats to rescuing homeless children, we land upon the sob story of Colton. He was rescued from foster care by his dance teacher. Somebody buy the movie rights to that one RIGHT. NOW. It's got Jennifer Lopez written all over it. Except maybe he could be played by Dakota Fanning or something. "I wanna dance, I wanna rap, I wanna sing... I wanna do all of it," says young Colton. Great, we've been needing a new K-Fed.
Does anybody else think this looks a little weird?
He actually is a pretty amazing dancer, and it's clear he's bursting with potential. Jerry Springer gets all father-figurey backstage and literally roots for the kid, whispering "Come on, come on! You've just gotta let him through!" That's precious. And in a move that is either painfully ironic, soul-crushingly mean, or trying-to-be-nice-but-kind-of-being-a-total-bitch, Sharon proclaims that this kid's mother must be just SOOOO proud of him.
This is what your face looks like as your heart plummets into your stomach. Just keep smilin'.
Back to the comedy! Next we have a slew of drag queens, and I suppose the editors just thought, "Ehhh, we'll throw 'em all in together." What, Texas didn't have any queens? The best one was this one, who actually could really move that gangly body of hers (his):
Olive Oyl in drag
Or how about this one, who sounded exactly like my grandma?
Lucille Ball in drag
Speaking of grandmothers, the cake-topper was this dude, Darnell, who went by the name of Granny Pearl. He was like Eddie Murphy's old lady from "The Nutty Professor" and his stand-up routine was actually quite good.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kenan Thompson.
Then we have the Great Cranium. But don't call him a magician. He's an illusionist.
Wasn't he the villain in "Mars Attacks"?
He's brought his equally draconian sister as his assistant. In his act, he makes her disappear, then does some shit with fire, and then makes her reappear, you know, the usual magic. But THEN... he makes ANOTHER girl appear! WHOA! Didn't see that one coming! The judges freaking love it and Hasselhoff murmurs creepily, "So wait.... are they... BOTH your sisters?" Ewwwwww
The Hoff would tap that
So then we've got this guy.
King Tut has been resurrected, courtesy of the Cock-adoodle Cabaret!
He says he was destined to be an entertainer, and that's why he was sent to Earth.
Don't you mean back in time from Ancient Egypt?
He does some belly dancing, if by "belly dancing" you actually mean "tittie dancing" because that's the only part of his body that really shakes. But entertaining he is. Hasselhoff, a little bit out of nowhere, declares, "I PREFER WOMEN." Okay, yes, we get it Hoff, you're "not" gay. Drop it!
"Titties, you know? I like TITTIES."
When there is some dispute over whether or not to keep the guy for the next round, Jerry chimes in by entering the stage with no shirt and trying his hand at tittie dancing. No show will be more successful than the one where the host loves attention more than the auditioners or judges combined.
The tragically camera-shy Jerry Springer, everyone.
He almost gets through, but then ruins it by rapping about how people need a calculator to understand what he's saying. Oh man! I always make that mistake too!
After him is a rockabilly band made up of 15-year-olds, and goddamn if they're not talented! They certainly have their shit together a lot more than I did at 15. When I was that age, I was so awkward I would turn beet red whenever anyone tried to talk to me. I also had a perm. These guys are way cooler.
There's nothing I love more than a bitchin' female drummer, except a guitarist who can still play while balancing himself on an upright bass. These guys are... well... rad.
What a charming group of soon-to-be high school dropouts.
They're a hard act to follow, for sure. This next chick does not live up to it. She and her fugly friends try to rap.
Hey, girl on the left? It's called a razor. Look into it.
After she gets booed off the stage, she proclaims in a serenely sweet voice that she hopes everyone in the audience will keep going after their dreams because she will cheer them on. And she follows that up with this:
« Recap: So You Think You Can Dance: Nepo-tastic! | Main | Recap: Charm School: SLUTACIOUS!! »
Comments (5)
I thought Po-go stick boy should have been sent through to Vegas. If he had done his flip at the beginning, I think it would have wowed the judges enough. Maybe they should call it "America's got Musical Talent".
1 of 5 | Posted by Clair
|
Posted on June 13, 2007 10:26 AM
Oh, damn, Snapp, you shortened up a bit too much. Did Reader's Digest call and offer you an audition? Your first recap was longer and far more interesting. OK, this one didn't suck, but way short on the snark factor. Get it together! I has spoken!
2 of 5 | Posted by Tony A.
|
Posted on June 13, 2007 10:35 AM
Holy hell, I loooved the rockabilly group. If I were 15, I'd go gay for the drummer. She was adorable. I might keep watching past the auditions this time around just to see them again.
Did anyone else realize who Tika the Valley Girl Rapper is? No? It's Sweetie from Flavor Of Love 1! Haaaaaa! She sucks.
3 of 5 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
|
Posted on June 13, 2007 12:34 PM
You know, that is EXACTLY what it sounds like when someone is locked in a trunk... wait, I've said too much. Hell of a review though. Funnier than the actual show, and I didn't think that shit was possible.
4 of 5 | Posted by murphy's law
|
Posted on June 13, 2007 1:54 PM
That is EXACTLY what it sounds like when someone's in a trun... wait, I've said to much. Awesome review, funnier than the actual show, and I didn't think that was possible. Nice!
5 of 5 | Posted by murphy's law
|
Posted on June 13, 2007 1:56 PM