Tasty. You know the Hoff loved getting hassled by that.
Mid-stroke
Next are the inconsequential twin brothers Jason and Nolan, who play the licker violin. Did I hear that right? Licker? I barely even know her! Ah ha ha... ha... thanks folks, I'll be here all summer. Anyway, they get booed off the stage faster than you can say "two virgins."
After a silly montage (the producers are fond of those), we end up with a hot grandma from Boston or somewheres who's young at heart and a god-awful singer. She says that after her husband died, someone told her to go hang at the senior center. "I said gee, I don't wanna be with all the old fahts." (that's farts, for you Westerners.) So she started going to the disco instead. Apparently she woke up this morning wearing this outfit, with a raging hangover and the unbridled desire to be old, famous and fabulous.
She is terrible. There. I said it. She is absolutely terrible. I love her spirit and all that bullshit but her voice was awful. Piers puts her through to the next round and I think hmm. He may have a soul after all. But come on! If you let her through you should let the licker twins have a go at it. One of those judges had better sprout a pair before I come out there and take over. I'm lookin' at you, Piers.
After the break we have another comedian, who makes one good bra joke, but other than that I can't tell what the hell she's saying. They like her though (big surprise!) and let her through (another surprise!). After her is a 17-year-old pogoist. No, that's not a new form of religious zealot, that's one who uses a pogo stick. Remember those?
"WHEEEEEEEEE!!!"
The way he bounces, I begin to think this may be the next cool thing after skateboarding. Seriously, he kind of makes it look fun. For some reason, when he's performing, they cut to Sharon and she's so misty-eyed she looks like she's about to lose it. What is it, Sharon? Did Jack used to be an avid pogoist before all the drugs?
Just keep it together, Sharon. Don't let 'em see you break.
That's been a lot of Americans. Let's get some culture all up in here. Next is what seems to be the empress of China.
And possibly the emperor, there behind her.
Or perhaps just a plate-balancing acrobat. She does her thang on stage, and I think even balances the plates sideways.
Piers admits that he buzzed her right at the moment he thought it would fuck up her concentration the most. He likes testing people's abilities under pressure. What an asshole. I love him!
He makes her cry with that one. Luckily, The Hoff shows great generosity of spirit and goes up onstage to give her a big creepy hug. Ugghhhh. Hoff.
Our next contestant is a young man who says he "just wants to share his feelings" with America. UGHHHHH I automatically give him my X!
The next John Mayer, with even smaller testicles.
He gets up onstage and sings like a freakin' Backstreet Boy. Come on, I plead to Piers, X that douche right outta there! Please! No such luck. They fucking love him? What the hell? Whatever happened to Piers' icy knife of emotional cruelty? Whatever happened to crushing someone's dreams? Bring back the old days!
One of our last contestants is Hanne, who looks exactly like the kind of mutt that would be produced if those girls Michelle and Nik from "America's Next Top Model" could somehow make a child.
+
=
Flesh-eating bacteria, anyone?
Gross! She says she came to America in 1988 to be a singer. 1988? Honey, if you haven't made it yet, you will never make it. Let's just call a spade a spade here, eh?
Sure enough, she gets up to sing and sounds like a cat screeching while clawing furiously upon a chalkboard. Honestly one of the saddest voices on earth. Finally the judges get enough balls to tell someone "no." Thankfully it was her.
Or maybe if Diana Ross and Michael Jackson hooked up. *shudder*
Well, we've come to the conclusion of another 2-hour episode. God bless us all. Our final contestant is fine young man for whom we should feel so much empathy that he gets his own slo-mo, sad-song intro. For Christ's sake, let's just get it over with! Let's see: Socially awkward? Check. Painfully shy? Check. Big dreams? Check. Dead grandmother? Check. He's got all the makings of a successful sob story. This should be good.
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Comments (5)
I thought Po-go stick boy should have been sent through to Vegas. If he had done his flip at the beginning, I think it would have wowed the judges enough. Maybe they should call it "America's got Musical Talent".
1 of 5 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on June 13, 2007 10:26 AM
Oh, damn, Snapp, you shortened up a bit too much. Did Reader's Digest call and offer you an audition? Your first recap was longer and far more interesting. OK, this one didn't suck, but way short on the snark factor. Get it together! I has spoken!
2 of 5 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on June 13, 2007 10:35 AM
Holy hell, I loooved the rockabilly group. If I were 15, I'd go gay for the drummer. She was adorable. I might keep watching past the auditions this time around just to see them again.
Did anyone else realize who Tika the Valley Girl Rapper is? No? It's Sweetie from Flavor Of Love 1! Haaaaaa! She sucks.
3 of 5 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on June 13, 2007 12:34 PM
You know, that is EXACTLY what it sounds like when someone is locked in a trunk... wait, I've said too much. Hell of a review though. Funnier than the actual show, and I didn't think that shit was possible.
4 of 5 | Posted by murphy's law
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Posted on June 13, 2007 1:54 PM
That is EXACTLY what it sounds like when someone's in a trun... wait, I've said to much. Awesome review, funnier than the actual show, and I didn't think that was possible. Nice!
5 of 5 | Posted by murphy's law
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Posted on June 13, 2007 1:56 PM