Unsurprisingly, the judges don't give him long on the stage, but I think we can all agree that it's a fantastic way to start the season. Piers inquires as to whether this gentleman has much success with the ladies with this sort of getup, and with no hesitation whatsoever, our Creepy Robe Dude replies, "YEAH." As though Piers had just asked him whether he likes ice cream. Like, natch! They vote him down, and Hasselhoff declares that he DOESN'T wish his boyfriend was that hot. Which leads me to ponder, what would the Hoff's boyfriend look like (if he wasn't as straight as he hurriedly explains)?
"HELLO, 'FRISCO!"
Next up are the Duttons, a family of, like, fifteen, and they're from the fine town of Branson, Missourri. No fucking kidding. I have been to Branson, my friends, and although it's lovely, it's like the Vegas of the Midwest: a strip of tacky attractions, but, you know, with morals and family values and stuff. These good folks have come all the way from there to "welcome the audience into their hearts" and will do so by playin' the fiddle. Honestly though, if they happen to win this competition, they'll get about $3 each.
"Haven't these people ever heard of Depo Provera???"
They play some mean bluegrass. One guy tap dances as though his legs have a mind of their own, and at one point they even play their instruments behind their backs. I will give this to them, it takes real talent. And real practice. That's what Midwestern folks do: they're tough and they have a good work ethic. Andy Williams would be proud. But when the fourteen little tots come runnin' out, I think they might be better suited for the Moon River Theater. Actually, it brings to mind this picture my friend sent me:
Piers thinks so too, and suggests that they pare down the group to just as many as they need. Seems reasonable. The Hoff scoffs at this (oh man, am I gonna have fun with his name this season), and insists that they don't change a thing. "DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! DON' LISSSSENNNN!" he hollers belligerently.
After a bit of ballyhooing from the audience and Jerry Springer bringing a baby out on stage, Hasselhoff slurs, "A'ight. Let's VOTE!" Someone get that guy another whiskey, and make it a double!
Despite Piers' best attempts, they get through to the next level: actual Vegas! I can only imagine what kind of sinful fun they'll get themselves into there.
"So long, farewell, auf wiedersen, goodbyeeeeee"
Our next performer is an Elvis impersonator. Wow, we're gonna get all sorts on this show, aren't we? Alright, I'll cut the crap because he wasn't that interesting: he totally believes he's awesome, but no one else does, and he is booed immediately. He had no chance in hell.
Perhaps he should have saved this outfit for the Liberace tribute instead.
Next is a sweet young lady named Megan, who looks just like that chick from "Heroes." She boasts that she has a very unique talent and that not many women do it, but that it requires she use her hands and mouth... AT THE SAME TIME! Oh Lordy, what the hell is she gonna do onstage? I'm guessing that since she's from Beaumont, Texas it won't be salacious acts her introduction leads us to believe.
Well, her talent is ventriloquism. Dammit! What a saucy wench.
Ugliest damn puppets I've ever seen, that's for sure.
She (and her hideous, scary little friends) sing "Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious" (gee, I hope I spelled that right!) from "Mary Poppins" and I have to admit it takes a lot of coordination. But it's terribly corny and Piers agrees with me (I have a feeling he and I are totally on the same impatiently bitchy wavelength). Indeed, he remarks that her act would be better suited for a children's audience, which is definitely true. That's my man right there. Hoff, on the other hand, says she was "really charming." Yeah, I bet. Just like that old millionaire found Anna Nicole "charming." Moving on.
We get to see the widespread influence that young whatsername from last season has had on America's youth, or more specifically, America's 10-12-year-old girls. This girl, Erica, thinks she can cash in on that success.
She is bratty and standoffish and pretends like she's better than everyone else. She's like that girl that you hate in grade school because she steals your slap bracelet and then years later you find out it was just because she was painfully insecure like everyone else.
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Comments (8)
O. Snapp goes on to the next round for an awesome recap.
Yeah, this show is awful. That Breeze girl was wearing far too much makeup for a 9 year old girl. I smell a mom trying to live vicariously through her daughter. Next.
I also got the SWV (Sisters With Voices for the uneducated, or is that Sistahs?) vibe from the girl group. I liked them. I also liked Jabberwockeez despite their unnecessary wacky spelling. I've just always been fascinated by breakdancing. Goes back to my days of watching Breakin' over and over with my older brother.
And oh man, the nerdy saxophone guy was awesome. Too much funk for one pasty geek to contain.
1 of 8 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on June 8, 2007 10:29 AM
O. Snapp, I like your style. Excellent recap.
2 of 8 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:16 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
3 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:57 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
4 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:58 AM
Great recap Snapp (is it ok if I call you Snapp?). I am glad I am not the only one who shuddered at the jabberwocky guys - those masks are just too creepy. I like that Sharon tried to stand up for the little girl - but the way she went about it - leaving the poor girl up on that stage all scared looking, wasn't really the way to go about it.
Last season Regis Philbin was the emcee, he was pretty stiff, awkard and lame and I thought he did a horrible job. That is until I saw Springer. I can't believe I actually want Philbin back.
Oh and one last comment - that slinky dude performs at Sea World in Orlando several shows a day, every day. He's part of a show called Odyssea.
5 of 8 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on June 10, 2007 9:28 AM
Funny recap!
who re-capped this last year (I wanna say it was B-Side)
anyway, whoever it was aply renamed this show "America's Got Balls". Ever since then, I can't get that out of my head!
6 of 8 | Posted by anniedawg25
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Posted on June 10, 2007 1:55 PM
I saw the repeat last night. Sharon's walk-off was totally staged (pardon the pun). I know a friend whose does what the areialist did. I'm sure he'll be contacted by Circ de Solieux in the near future. The sax player was awesome!
7 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 12, 2007 6:14 AM
Damn. I actually liked the Hoff's singing (hated the video). Quick, what's that mean?
O. Snapp. No props for the cute screen name, but you are a very good writer and you do get through to the next round.
Piers is a dick and he shouldn't have cowed that poor little girl on stage. However, I understand his feelings, as I feel that showbiz parents that "encourage" their kids to be put up, vulnerable to public ridicule are in reality child abusers.
Glad that midway through the recap you developed a grudging like for the Hoff. While he's become a parody of the young hunk he once was and he has suffered the indignity of his own daughter posting the drunken video of the poor man (tough love my ass!), he's still a fairly likeable and vulnerable person that fails to see he could easily segue into another successful, if older persona, who retains some of the love America has had for him.
Sharon Osbourne's bit as a huffy nanny disn't impress me at all and, as is rightly pointed out, abandoned that little girl to her fate.
In all, a kinda funny/sad show that I will watch with a sense of embarrassment for those poor, deluded fools.
The only good one on was the sax guy. I expect more and better things from him. The large family blew it when they brought on all the urchins who did not contribute anything to the act, save for letting us know that's one prolific bunch of f___ers.
Write on, Snapp!
8 of 8 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on June 13, 2007 10:06 AM