Hasselhoff is just hilarious because he takes this fake, almost patronizingly stern voice with every kid who gets up there, this fatherly demanding voice that just makes you want to do your best. Incidentally it also always includes a sort of Southern accent, as though perhaps we're on a farm and he's trusting us to round up them thar chickens. Oooh! You know what it's like? It's like the prosecutor from "My Cousin Vinny."
Yeah, THAT guy!
So yeah, the kid doesn't totally suck, but she's not that great. I mean, let's be real here, she's far better than I would have been at age 12. Okay, far better than I even am now. I'm no songbird, folks, I'll admit that right now. But she just... you know... wasn't... special. I feel so mean writing that about a child, because it takes serious guts to get up there and do that, but honestly it wasn't grand.
I feel less bad about being judgmental when Piers completely crushes her soul with his critique. "Bianca Ryan looked like you. She was charming. She was modest. She was SUPER talented. And you are everything she isn't." Oh JESUS. That is the coldest shit I could imagine saying to a little girl who just put her heart out there for everyone to see (it gets better later though, don't worry).
After some horrified looks from the audience and Sharon's motherly encouragement, the Hoff tells her that she's trying to be Bette Midler and she should just be a little girl. As weird as he is, he does make her smile and I think repairs the few shreds of dignity she may have remaining.
"WHEEEEEE!"
"WhatEVER, Hoff."
After the break we hear about an assortment of peoples' day jobs and we land upon a fellow named Mr. Bill, who absolutely lives up to his name.
He is a bus driver and likes to sing to the kids while driving. Say it with me now: "Awwwww!" He seems quite genial and not even creepy at all. He says his wildest dream is to become a professional performer. What a sweetie! Funny, but MY wildest dream is to be able to fly, crash through walls, and read peoples' minds all while fighting crime. Maybe this is the wrong show for that, though.
Mr. Bill gets out there and it is fascinating, because I doubt that he has ever been on a stage this large, in front of this many people, and you can actually see the moment that he just commits to it and goes for broke. He sings his damn heart out. His voice is really old-fashioned, but that's the beauty of it. I was on a road trip last weekend and at one point the only radio station we got was an old standards one. We listened to Fats Waller for two hours. This was kind of like that.
He gets booed, which was so sad and so unnecessary, and even though the judges loved him, they know he won't win because he doesn't have the right sound. Oh well. At least he tried.
This leads us right into a piano-driven slomo montage of losers in silly costumes being rejected and booed offstage, including an absolutely lovable band of little boys in newsies outfits and a freaking adorable little girl who CAN tap dance. Piers decimates her heart as well, saying her act was "all a bit SO WHAT." I'm beginning to think this Piers fellow has a particular affinity for hurting the feelings of children. What a dick!
How can you say no to this face?!
So up next we've got the Human Slinky.
That one's pretty much one big WTF. It's just fuckin' weird. There's no other word for a giant rainbow slinky that wobbles and wiggles about in time to techno music. Fuckin' weird just about does it. The Hoff complains that he feels like he's being attacked by a large intestine, but, you know, it might be good for a kids' party or something. Yeah, like kids like to feel attacked by giant bodily organs. Fun times!
« Recap: Inferno: Giraffic Park Feet Markgate | Main | Recap: Charm School: Watch and Learn »
Comments (8)
O. Snapp goes on to the next round for an awesome recap.
Yeah, this show is awful. That Breeze girl was wearing far too much makeup for a 9 year old girl. I smell a mom trying to live vicariously through her daughter. Next.
I also got the SWV (Sisters With Voices for the uneducated, or is that Sistahs?) vibe from the girl group. I liked them. I also liked Jabberwockeez despite their unnecessary wacky spelling. I've just always been fascinated by breakdancing. Goes back to my days of watching Breakin' over and over with my older brother.
And oh man, the nerdy saxophone guy was awesome. Too much funk for one pasty geek to contain.
1 of 8 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
|
Posted on June 8, 2007 10:29 AM
O. Snapp, I like your style. Excellent recap.
2 of 8 | Posted by Clair
|
Posted on June 8, 2007 11:16 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
3 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
|
Posted on June 8, 2007 11:57 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
4 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
|
Posted on June 8, 2007 11:58 AM
Great recap Snapp (is it ok if I call you Snapp?). I am glad I am not the only one who shuddered at the jabberwocky guys - those masks are just too creepy. I like that Sharon tried to stand up for the little girl - but the way she went about it - leaving the poor girl up on that stage all scared looking, wasn't really the way to go about it.
Last season Regis Philbin was the emcee, he was pretty stiff, awkard and lame and I thought he did a horrible job. That is until I saw Springer. I can't believe I actually want Philbin back.
Oh and one last comment - that slinky dude performs at Sea World in Orlando several shows a day, every day. He's part of a show called Odyssea.
5 of 8 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
|
Posted on June 10, 2007 9:28 AM
Funny recap!
who re-capped this last year (I wanna say it was B-Side)
anyway, whoever it was aply renamed this show "America's Got Balls". Ever since then, I can't get that out of my head!
6 of 8 | Posted by anniedawg25
|
Posted on June 10, 2007 1:55 PM
I saw the repeat last night. Sharon's walk-off was totally staged (pardon the pun). I know a friend whose does what the areialist did. I'm sure he'll be contacted by Circ de Solieux in the near future. The sax player was awesome!
7 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
|
Posted on June 12, 2007 6:14 AM
Damn. I actually liked the Hoff's singing (hated the video). Quick, what's that mean?
O. Snapp. No props for the cute screen name, but you are a very good writer and you do get through to the next round.
Piers is a dick and he shouldn't have cowed that poor little girl on stage. However, I understand his feelings, as I feel that showbiz parents that "encourage" their kids to be put up, vulnerable to public ridicule are in reality child abusers.
Glad that midway through the recap you developed a grudging like for the Hoff. While he's become a parody of the young hunk he once was and he has suffered the indignity of his own daughter posting the drunken video of the poor man (tough love my ass!), he's still a fairly likeable and vulnerable person that fails to see he could easily segue into another successful, if older persona, who retains some of the love America has had for him.
Sharon Osbourne's bit as a huffy nanny disn't impress me at all and, as is rightly pointed out, abandoned that little girl to her fate.
In all, a kinda funny/sad show that I will watch with a sense of embarrassment for those poor, deluded fools.
The only good one on was the sax guy. I expect more and better things from him. The large family blew it when they brought on all the urchins who did not contribute anything to the act, save for letting us know that's one prolific bunch of f___ers.
Write on, Snapp!
8 of 8 | Posted by Tony A.
|
Posted on June 13, 2007 10:06 AM