What better way to follow up on that act with a husband and wife team who look like they just flew in from Bolivia. She's a gypsy, he doesn't like to fasten the top four buttons of his shirt. You get the picture. They competed together last year but they didn't get on. So they went home and fought about it, blaming each other for their failures, and decided the best way to solve the issue would be to compete AGAINST each other this time around. Yes, indeed that is a good resolution. Far better than, say, going to marriage counseling or discussing what's really bothering you or, hey, just supporting each other in improving your abilities. Alright then, on with the show!
She's feisty, determined, and a shitty violinist (she actually destroys her strings while playing). He's calm, collected, and a masterful classical guitar player with enviably long fingernails. You can guess what happened from there.
"Muchas gracias, and my chest hair will be pleased to see you again soon."
He got on, she's out. Go back to the kitchen, woman! What are you thinking, trying to one-up your husband anyway?
The next day some eerie string-based music plays as Piers warns of his impending cranky rudeness. "Too much mediocrity is getting through," he insists, and I say praise Jesus! Shouldn't that quote be painted in large block letters in the offices of each programming manager in the country? For Christ's sake.
Anyhoo, Piers is feeling naughty so y'all better watch out. Who better to come up and audition, then, than an innocent, uncynical child? Preferably one who still believes in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. We skim over a few lame acts, accompanied by Piers' undying (though well-deserved) scorn, and naturally all the tears that follow one's heart being broken by a ruthless total stranger. But come on! WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS????
But nobody could have predicted what would happen with 9-year-old Breeze (except anybody who saw the commercials for this show). This little girl with a name more appropriate for a breath mint back-flips out on stage with full makeup and crimped hair. She looks just like my friend Mindee from third grade. She's wide-eyed and sweet looking, and Piers is about to tear her a new one.
"Have you guys heard the new New Kids On The Block song? It's really good."
Hasselhoff launches into Rancher-Dad mode, Sharon sips her tea contentedly, and Piers looks unamused. Breeze says that if she won the million bucks, she would buy her mommy a new car. The sound of four million hearts melting simultaneously fills the canyons, hills and valleys of America, and Piers reacts by giving us the classic dick-in-mouth gesture, complete with eye roll.
Breeze does a little dancy-cheerleader routine that, coincidentally enough, looks a lot like the routine I did in dance class when I was in third grade. I sense a running theme here. She does some round-offs, some cartwheels, a lot of clapping, and a lot of lip-synching. It's no earth-shaker of an act, but, like Bratty Erica, it takes a lot of guts to do something like this at her age (fuck, at ANY age). And hey, in seven years she'll make a kick-ass cheerleader. She could be in "Bring It On, Part 15."
At the end of her performance, The Hoff says, "We have to be honest, but we'll be nice. Piers?" Heehee. What a lovable galoof. Breeze looks scared shitless but ready to take the heat. Piers tells her he thinks she is just doing this because her mother pushed her into this and she is being forced to live out someone else's dreams. He says all kinds of deep stuff to her and, surprisingly for a nine-year-old, she peers at him pensively, thoughtfully, as though composing a great comeback to use as soon as they bring back the volume on her mic.
"What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
The judges go back and forth for a bit, Sharon chastising Piers for being such a jerkoff and The Hoff trying desperately to make everyone laugh at the situation. Finally Piers asks if her mom is around. Breeze musters up all the bravery in her little body and declares protectively, "Yes. And she DIDN'T push me.
"SHE HELPED ME."
Oh God almighty, I want to scream for this little girl. That is just fucking awesome.
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Comments (8)
O. Snapp goes on to the next round for an awesome recap.
Yeah, this show is awful. That Breeze girl was wearing far too much makeup for a 9 year old girl. I smell a mom trying to live vicariously through her daughter. Next.
I also got the SWV (Sisters With Voices for the uneducated, or is that Sistahs?) vibe from the girl group. I liked them. I also liked Jabberwockeez despite their unnecessary wacky spelling. I've just always been fascinated by breakdancing. Goes back to my days of watching Breakin' over and over with my older brother.
And oh man, the nerdy saxophone guy was awesome. Too much funk for one pasty geek to contain.
1 of 8 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on June 8, 2007 10:29 AM
O. Snapp, I like your style. Excellent recap.
2 of 8 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:16 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
3 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:57 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
4 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:58 AM
Great recap Snapp (is it ok if I call you Snapp?). I am glad I am not the only one who shuddered at the jabberwocky guys - those masks are just too creepy. I like that Sharon tried to stand up for the little girl - but the way she went about it - leaving the poor girl up on that stage all scared looking, wasn't really the way to go about it.
Last season Regis Philbin was the emcee, he was pretty stiff, awkard and lame and I thought he did a horrible job. That is until I saw Springer. I can't believe I actually want Philbin back.
Oh and one last comment - that slinky dude performs at Sea World in Orlando several shows a day, every day. He's part of a show called Odyssea.
5 of 8 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on June 10, 2007 9:28 AM
Funny recap!
who re-capped this last year (I wanna say it was B-Side)
anyway, whoever it was aply renamed this show "America's Got Balls". Ever since then, I can't get that out of my head!
6 of 8 | Posted by anniedawg25
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Posted on June 10, 2007 1:55 PM
I saw the repeat last night. Sharon's walk-off was totally staged (pardon the pun). I know a friend whose does what the areialist did. I'm sure he'll be contacted by Circ de Solieux in the near future. The sax player was awesome!
7 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 12, 2007 6:14 AM
Damn. I actually liked the Hoff's singing (hated the video). Quick, what's that mean?
O. Snapp. No props for the cute screen name, but you are a very good writer and you do get through to the next round.
Piers is a dick and he shouldn't have cowed that poor little girl on stage. However, I understand his feelings, as I feel that showbiz parents that "encourage" their kids to be put up, vulnerable to public ridicule are in reality child abusers.
Glad that midway through the recap you developed a grudging like for the Hoff. While he's become a parody of the young hunk he once was and he has suffered the indignity of his own daughter posting the drunken video of the poor man (tough love my ass!), he's still a fairly likeable and vulnerable person that fails to see he could easily segue into another successful, if older persona, who retains some of the love America has had for him.
Sharon Osbourne's bit as a huffy nanny disn't impress me at all and, as is rightly pointed out, abandoned that little girl to her fate.
In all, a kinda funny/sad show that I will watch with a sense of embarrassment for those poor, deluded fools.
The only good one on was the sax guy. I expect more and better things from him. The large family blew it when they brought on all the urchins who did not contribute anything to the act, save for letting us know that's one prolific bunch of f___ers.
Write on, Snapp!
8 of 8 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on June 13, 2007 10:06 AM