Mom comes out, they all get into a screaming match (I mean hey, Jerry Springer is the host after all), and after some back and forth, Sharon screams about how terrible it all is, throws her cue cards in the air (how will she come up with snappy things to say now??) and defiantly walks offstage.
"OZZZZIE! Take out the trash and tell Jack to put down the crack pipe!"
"Well, I've lost my judges here. Now it's called 'America's Got Hasselhoff!'" says... well, you know. For all his seemingly drunken banter, at least he's pretty funny. And nice. Sharon is striding silently to her dressing room (discreetly marked "S.O.") and brings out her full Osborne-ness by throwing a tantrum, ripping off her fake eyelashes and retreating into her room. Piers waits outside, berating her as pathetic. Now THIS is entertainment!!
Might I just say how much I love seeing the crew? Those guys never get enough attention for the shit they put up with. After some "producers" convince the judges to come back on stage, we rejoin the audience and by this time, the entire theatre is chanting, "HASSELHOFF! HASSELHOFF! HASSELHOFF!" Okay, now everything's gotten outta control! Somebody please intervene!
The judges come back and Piers insists, "I don't like upsetting kids." HA! To that I say HA! good sir! You LOVE to upset them! I think he likes hurting people in general. We might as well call him Agent Mike Doyle.
Sharon then says that althoughBreeze is not ready for the competition, she is "definitely very supple." Wha-HUH? Did I hear that correctly? If anybody can chime in here and let me know if that's a common thing to say, I would love it because that just seems a little weird to call a nine-year-old supple. Eww. Get it off my page.
After filling the drama quotient for the evening, we get back to our usual antics and I'm wondering if we will ever see some actual talent on this godforsaken show. As if on cue, on come a girl group called Southern Girl. Going by their actual names - Angela, Misty and Nekoya (or something) sound like strippers, but seeing them interact they look like they could be kind of fun. They've got a little Destiny's Child in them.
When they perform, they truly do sound amazing. They are like En Vogue, Destiny's Child, and SWV all rolled into one. God, remember SWV? I totally used to love them. Anyway, no question about it, they're off to VEGAS, baby!
Best teaser line of the century: "Still to come, The Hoff gets HASSLED!" That one had me rolling on the floor.
During this commercial break we get tantalized by what will be some truly great shows ("Bionic Woman") and truly awful shows ("Age of Love") coming up. After that, we come back and they glaze over the totally awful, but entertaining performances of the evening that I kind of want to see more of.
But we are treated to the dance stylings of one Tom Zempke, who has an impressive mustache (though not the most impressive I've ever seen) and who is sweating bullets, which is not good for the shiny synthetic fabric he's wearing. He promises that we will see something nobody's ever seen before. Well, this should be good.
Mmmmmkayyyyy....
What he does is sort of like... well, the only way to describe it is like what your weird uncle does when he's drunk on Christmas. Or something. I mean, you know, depending on what your family is like. It's like, kicking and jutting out your hands furiously while murmuring some inaudible lyrics over "Disco Inferno." Yeah, really.
Anyway, after the judges appropriately bash him, Springer asks him what he's gonna do next, and he replies, "Well, I'm gonna get dressed up and go out and meet some ladies." Excuse me, GOING to get dressed up?
Some mediocre girl with a sob story comes out and The Hoff is soooo transparent. Whenever a moderately good-looking girl comes out, he shamelessly molests them with his eyes. This is what my friend Kerri would call "Eye Sex."
"Papa like!"
So next is a fine young gentleman named Brandon.
HELLO, BRANDON!!
He is an arialist, but we don't get to hear much more of what he says because the women in the audience shriek too loudly every time he opens his mouth. His act consists of raising himself up on elevated bed sheets, wrapping them around his body parts, writhing around and caressing himself with the sheets, sometimes doing some acrobatics. He's a flying tango dancer, basically. The women go nuts for his nuts.
"Look at that SAC! Like, better than Dannon YOGURT good!"
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Comments (8)
O. Snapp goes on to the next round for an awesome recap.
Yeah, this show is awful. That Breeze girl was wearing far too much makeup for a 9 year old girl. I smell a mom trying to live vicariously through her daughter. Next.
I also got the SWV (Sisters With Voices for the uneducated, or is that Sistahs?) vibe from the girl group. I liked them. I also liked Jabberwockeez despite their unnecessary wacky spelling. I've just always been fascinated by breakdancing. Goes back to my days of watching Breakin' over and over with my older brother.
And oh man, the nerdy saxophone guy was awesome. Too much funk for one pasty geek to contain.
1 of 8 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on June 8, 2007 10:29 AM
O. Snapp, I like your style. Excellent recap.
2 of 8 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:16 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
3 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:57 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
4 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:58 AM
Great recap Snapp (is it ok if I call you Snapp?). I am glad I am not the only one who shuddered at the jabberwocky guys - those masks are just too creepy. I like that Sharon tried to stand up for the little girl - but the way she went about it - leaving the poor girl up on that stage all scared looking, wasn't really the way to go about it.
Last season Regis Philbin was the emcee, he was pretty stiff, awkard and lame and I thought he did a horrible job. That is until I saw Springer. I can't believe I actually want Philbin back.
Oh and one last comment - that slinky dude performs at Sea World in Orlando several shows a day, every day. He's part of a show called Odyssea.
5 of 8 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on June 10, 2007 9:28 AM
Funny recap!
who re-capped this last year (I wanna say it was B-Side)
anyway, whoever it was aply renamed this show "America's Got Balls". Ever since then, I can't get that out of my head!
6 of 8 | Posted by anniedawg25
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Posted on June 10, 2007 1:55 PM
I saw the repeat last night. Sharon's walk-off was totally staged (pardon the pun). I know a friend whose does what the areialist did. I'm sure he'll be contacted by Circ de Solieux in the near future. The sax player was awesome!
7 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 12, 2007 6:14 AM
Damn. I actually liked the Hoff's singing (hated the video). Quick, what's that mean?
O. Snapp. No props for the cute screen name, but you are a very good writer and you do get through to the next round.
Piers is a dick and he shouldn't have cowed that poor little girl on stage. However, I understand his feelings, as I feel that showbiz parents that "encourage" their kids to be put up, vulnerable to public ridicule are in reality child abusers.
Glad that midway through the recap you developed a grudging like for the Hoff. While he's become a parody of the young hunk he once was and he has suffered the indignity of his own daughter posting the drunken video of the poor man (tough love my ass!), he's still a fairly likeable and vulnerable person that fails to see he could easily segue into another successful, if older persona, who retains some of the love America has had for him.
Sharon Osbourne's bit as a huffy nanny disn't impress me at all and, as is rightly pointed out, abandoned that little girl to her fate.
In all, a kinda funny/sad show that I will watch with a sense of embarrassment for those poor, deluded fools.
The only good one on was the sax guy. I expect more and better things from him. The large family blew it when they brought on all the urchins who did not contribute anything to the act, save for letting us know that's one prolific bunch of f___ers.
Write on, Snapp!
8 of 8 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on June 13, 2007 10:06 AM