The judges aren't into it, but they acknowledge that he has a bright future as a male escort. The next contestant wants to be Stevie Wonder. He plays the keyboard as though he should be performing at a nursing home. He has God-awful vocals. He butchers Wonder. The judges hate him. That's all you need to know.
After that, the next group is the Jabberwockies, whom you may recognize from every nightmare you've ever had. I swear these guys haunt my dreams... and sometimes my waking moments too.
Eeek!
They claim to do some sort of dancing, but I can't tell because I'm too busy covering my face with my hands and sort of peeking out from between my fingers.
*shudder*
The judges are all over their jocks. "Uh, LOVE IT!" announces Piers. "You know... I, I've seen a lot of dancing in my life, you know?" says The Hoff in the beginning of his praise of their work. I wanna get The Hoff for my next party. He's a frickin' riot. I suspect it was upon this sentiment that his whole career was built.
We are nearing the end of this monstrous post, I promise. Hang in there kids. Need some juice? An Adderall perhaps? The next group up is Country Bob and his daughter, Tits McGhee.
Their act is rescuing dogs from the pound and making them jump around like circus animals. Piers was unenthralled (surprise!) but Sharon loved it. I was impressed by the fact that the dogs actually STOOD on rope. Stood. On only two legs! That's some training right there.
Ever wonder what happened to that boy group Hanson? Do you feel a void in your life without their vocal stylings to keep you warm at night? Have no fear, the Rascals are here.
They get their own slo-mo walking-in-unison intro. I have a feeling they're probably quite popular at school. Or perhaps they just met on the bus on a glee club field trip and decided to take a stab at fame. They hop up on stage and sing an a capella version of "Shout." With their matching outfits and everything, they are quite well-presented, and I'm sure all of their grandmothers are proud of them. Springer paces backstage hoping for them to make it through and, by a thread, they make it to the next round.
Then comes a wholly different kind of act. Balding Jordan and his adolescent, voice-not-yet-cracked son Nasco emerge to do a... hmm. A sort of acrobatic/gymnastic Euro-dance routine sort of... thing. They're wearing matching skintight spandex and balancing on each other, in time to intense, cinematic and strange music, and I can't help but feel kind of wrong watching it. It's just odd. I wonder if they practice in their, and if they do, what do their neighbors think?
"Daaaad! Stop staring at my 'nads!"
Apparently the judges do not feel funny about this act, and they pass them through straight away.
Next, David and Joel. They move their man-boobs in time to that song from "Deliverance."
Pecalicious
Psssh, like that's hard. Next!
We're treated to one last montage of pathetic acts before our final performer. He says his saxophone is a weapon for breaking down barriers. I say anyone who describes their musical instrument as a weapon should be carefully monitored.
He doesn't look like much of a threat. You know, nicely combed hair, button-down shirt and slacks, Buddy Holly glasses. He looks like Gideon Yago in high school: cute nerd. But as soon as he breaks out that saxophone, watch out! He gets a devlish look in his eye and dances around like he's possessed by a demon... a Fabulous demon!
He's light on his feet and energetic, squealing in excitement every now and again. He's kind of like a gay robot with a twitch. Who can play the sax. Or, more like John Leguizamo on crack. Who can play the sax. He sure is entertaining though. Hell, he's got my vote. The judges love him too. You've gotta see it to understand it.
Well, congratulations. Together we've survived the first episode of the season, and together we can conquer the rest of it too! If you've actually made it this far into the recap, I commend you. I'm not sure how they expect to equally qualify the talent levels singers and gymnasts and ventriloquists, but I suppose it's all for America to decide. What did y'all think about this episode? Anybody you wanted to make it through but didn't? Or didn't want to make it but did? And what's with The Hoff, anyway?
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Comments (8)
O. Snapp goes on to the next round for an awesome recap.
Yeah, this show is awful. That Breeze girl was wearing far too much makeup for a 9 year old girl. I smell a mom trying to live vicariously through her daughter. Next.
I also got the SWV (Sisters With Voices for the uneducated, or is that Sistahs?) vibe from the girl group. I liked them. I also liked Jabberwockeez despite their unnecessary wacky spelling. I've just always been fascinated by breakdancing. Goes back to my days of watching Breakin' over and over with my older brother.
And oh man, the nerdy saxophone guy was awesome. Too much funk for one pasty geek to contain.
1 of 8 | Posted by brendahamLincoln
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Posted on June 8, 2007 10:29 AM
O. Snapp, I like your style. Excellent recap.
2 of 8 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:16 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
3 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:57 AM
Holy crap! It's the MUMMY!http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/americasgottalent/season2/talent6807_0aHoff.jpg
4 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 8, 2007 11:58 AM
Great recap Snapp (is it ok if I call you Snapp?). I am glad I am not the only one who shuddered at the jabberwocky guys - those masks are just too creepy. I like that Sharon tried to stand up for the little girl - but the way she went about it - leaving the poor girl up on that stage all scared looking, wasn't really the way to go about it.
Last season Regis Philbin was the emcee, he was pretty stiff, awkard and lame and I thought he did a horrible job. That is until I saw Springer. I can't believe I actually want Philbin back.
Oh and one last comment - that slinky dude performs at Sea World in Orlando several shows a day, every day. He's part of a show called Odyssea.
5 of 8 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on June 10, 2007 9:28 AM
Funny recap!
who re-capped this last year (I wanna say it was B-Side)
anyway, whoever it was aply renamed this show "America's Got Balls". Ever since then, I can't get that out of my head!
6 of 8 | Posted by anniedawg25
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Posted on June 10, 2007 1:55 PM
I saw the repeat last night. Sharon's walk-off was totally staged (pardon the pun). I know a friend whose does what the areialist did. I'm sure he'll be contacted by Circ de Solieux in the near future. The sax player was awesome!
7 of 8 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 12, 2007 6:14 AM
Damn. I actually liked the Hoff's singing (hated the video). Quick, what's that mean?
O. Snapp. No props for the cute screen name, but you are a very good writer and you do get through to the next round.
Piers is a dick and he shouldn't have cowed that poor little girl on stage. However, I understand his feelings, as I feel that showbiz parents that "encourage" their kids to be put up, vulnerable to public ridicule are in reality child abusers.
Glad that midway through the recap you developed a grudging like for the Hoff. While he's become a parody of the young hunk he once was and he has suffered the indignity of his own daughter posting the drunken video of the poor man (tough love my ass!), he's still a fairly likeable and vulnerable person that fails to see he could easily segue into another successful, if older persona, who retains some of the love America has had for him.
Sharon Osbourne's bit as a huffy nanny disn't impress me at all and, as is rightly pointed out, abandoned that little girl to her fate.
In all, a kinda funny/sad show that I will watch with a sense of embarrassment for those poor, deluded fools.
The only good one on was the sax guy. I expect more and better things from him. The large family blew it when they brought on all the urchins who did not contribute anything to the act, save for letting us know that's one prolific bunch of f___ers.
Write on, Snapp!
8 of 8 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on June 13, 2007 10:06 AM