The Tumblers know exactly what America wants: more Gloria Estefan. They do some gymnastics to "Do The Conga" (number 9 on my all-time list of favorite guilty pleasures) and the whole time I just keep saying, "PLEASE no more tongue gymnastics!" Fortunately, the creepiest thing they did was rocking back and forth in this position:
I wonder if he can give himself a rim job?
Tasty. They top it all off with the gay 80's kid doing a front flip ending with a rose ceremony to Mrs. Osborne.
"Yes! I will accept this rose!"
My my, what a romancer! If he didn't follow it up with the most homosexual air kiss in history I would have bought it.
Gayer than... nope, there's not much that's gayer than an air kiss
Even Piers says it's fantastic. When Jerry asks if there are any other positions they can possibly put the human body in that they haven't already, I immediately yell, "Bend over, I'll show you one!"
Now that was just crass. Something that's also obscene is the fact that Jason Jerkface is still in this competition. He looks like he should be playing an evil kid on "24" and his act always makes me want to shove two tampons up his nostrils and kick him in the nuts. Tonight he's singing a ballad. Oh great. Which is more suicide-inducing, a ballad or "Life Is A Highway"?
Shut it, Chucky.
This time he's reunited with his acoustic guitar and even has a trio of backup vocalists. This kid is already soft-rock crossover-ready! I can barely stomach his performance but I did happen to catch this little gem of a moment at the end of it:
"Stop, my chimes are ticklish!"
There's nothing like the shimmer to really hammer home the point. In the judging, Hasselhoff tells McDoucheNozzle that his "career is really 'cruising' now!!" See, because he works as a cruise singer? Ha. The Hoff looks pretty proud of himself for that one as we cut to Jerkface's fat-ass Missouri family cheering him on.
"Yay, Jerkface! More pie!"
I just wish there were a voting hotline to tell who you want to NOT go through.
"How many little girls does it take to beat me up?"
Up next is little miss Butterscotch, who starts off by telling us she grew up "in a tiny little tree with the other of the Keebler elves." Maybe I misquoted her on that one, but she definitely is looking much better tonight than ever before, more womanly, with a fancy dress, curled hair and a backup band to boot. Wait, a backup band? Isn't the point of it all that SHE is the band? It's true that much of her beatboxing gets lost in the band, but she still has a good voice to sing with. Plus, Jerry tells her, "You go, girlfriend!!" and gives her an awkward 2-Snaps-'Round-The-World-in-a-Z-Formation, so I guess she's got his vote.
"Jazz Hands!"
Now, everyone has their story, and the Glamazons are no different. Their sob story is that they're overweight. They're winning attitude is that they don't care, and please pass the donuts. The token redhead of the group whines that they're not here for their bodies, they're here because of their voices. But see, that's not actually true. They ARE there because of their bodies. Their voices are mediocre at best, and of course their dancing isn't mind-blowing, it's just a few cute moves here and there doing the Bend-And-Snap. What the judges (and America) love about them is the fact that they are large women and they are still sexy. The judges (and producers) put them through so far because it sets a good example for all the little girls out there who want to be like the ACTUAL Pussycat Dolls. But apparently, when hefty ladies put on the same costumes, it isn't slutty, it's empowering.
In any case, their performance is same as always: not bad, but they have several out-of-key moments and each bit of choreography is out of unison by a bit. Piers even tells them, "You're not the best singers in the world," though of course this matters not to him, as he said of the above with a pillow covering his lap.
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Comments (2)
When mean ol' Piers hurt the feelings of those cute kids on Sideswipe and then made Hottie Sideswipe nearly cry, I had to stop voting for Butterscotch and give the rest of my votes to them.... then I went to my cell phone and gave them ten more votes. Then my daughter saw what I was doing and whipped out HER cell phone and gave them 10 more votes. Take that Piers! Poopy head.
1 of 2 | Posted by Clair
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Posted on August 3, 2007 3:05 PM
As soon as I saw your recap listed, I said to myself "Wow! THAT lame show is STILL on??"
Thanks for taking another long, painful bullet so the rest of us don't have to!
2 of 2 | Posted by NightWalker
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Posted on August 4, 2007 9:55 AM