This week began the first section of the semifinals for the thinly-veiled Hasselhoff ego stroke masquerading as a talent circus. This is supposed to be the part where we start to see a higher concentration of gifted people than not. Don't get your hopes up, home viewers! There was still a satisfactory amount of crap to be seen. The judges are still crazy, but at least during this episode I got some nice additions to the ol' spank bank. Welcome to "America's Got Talent!"
We open with yet another insufferable recap montage, which may have been entertaining except for the fact that it was in the AGT-trademarked slow motion, with "Star Wars"-style graphics, and set to "God Bless America," which made me want to find a nice long wire cable somewhere and strangle Leann Rimes. It occurs to me that this is why the rest of the world hates us - because all we do is masturbate. In slow motion.
After we endure a few minutes of a thousand delusional screaming fans cheering for Jerry Springer, the Jerr-ster gives us a rundown of how the evening will go. We get to see only ten of the remaining twenty acts (thank God). Then we vote, then next week we find out the top five and we get to see the remaining ten. That's in seven days, at nine Eastern, eight Pacific. You do the math. I'm not your fucking algebra teacher.
The judges (and their all-powerful X'es) are back, and thankfully The Hoff opted not to wear his black pleather shirt again. Perhaps he put down the Jack Daniels for the evening. No, he went classy tonight with a simple pinstripe number, with only some gold jewelry dangling amongst the foliage of his chest hair.
Mmmmm, foliage.
We hear from a few of the contestants, and I'm just hoping that fucking 14-Year-Old Hack has gotten a little guidance in the beauty department. Speaking of makeovers, am I the only one who thinks the Jerr-ster needs a haircut and some styling?
"Ahem.... you need to adjust the toupee, Mr. Springer."
Huh. Maybe he always looked like that. Anyway, first up in the "How The Hell Is He Still In This Competition" section is Johnny Lonestar, a real-life cowboy whose tradition survived the stigma of "Brokeback Mountain." He says that he's doing this for all the li'l cowboys out thar, and dagnabit is he sweet!
He comes out with a glittering, sparkly rodeo outfit. Looks like he broke out the big guns for this one! Ha ha. Or lassos. "Broke out the big lassos" would work.
"HELLO, 'FRISCO!"
He performs to the all-time classic "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy" and I groan so loud my stomach actually hurts. However, his act turns out to be quite a spectacle, especially the part where he hops up onto the judges table, twirls a massive lasso and sings along to the song. He really brought the energy. "Hmm," I think. "Not that bad." But how far could he go, really? All he does is twirl lassos - how do you change it up? Can a lassoer ever really win this competition?
Not with chaps like that.
Next is someone whose career started with a karaoke machine. It's our fresh-faced 14-year-old, and now I have a solid case about why those things should be illegal.
She says to the camera in what seems to be faux earnestness, "What started as a dream... could soon become a reality." GAG ME. You know, she reminds me of my overly-dramatic teenage self, except I had the good sense to keep it inside and never let anyone know how hokey and moronic I was until I was older and could adequately make fun of myself. I wish this chick had done the same.
We are not so lucky though, and as we all know, America's a sucker for the youngsters (see: last year's 11-year-old winner). She comes out and belts out her tune in the same way as she always has (just like Leann Rimes), and I think, "Good job finding your own style, little lady. Way to take the judges' advice."
I have to admit she doesn't sound totally cringe-worthy though, and she did finally do something about that whole face/hair problem.
Bad.
Better.
See, that's all I wanted. Nothing too dramatic, not unnatural, because she is still a girl after all. Just some nice waves in the hair, a bit of lip gloss, a dab of mascara... now she looks like my cousin, who is a weather girl in Arizona. A big improvement, I think we can all agree.
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Comments (2)
I can't believe no one has commented...absolutely hilarious recap!
I completely agree with you about the 14 year old. For some reason I can't stand hearing little kids sing. Especially teenage girls because they get all into it and usually have crazy facial expressions. Anyway keep up the good work, you are great!
1 of 2 | Posted by dmbislove![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 19, 2007 1:31 PM
O. Snapp - fantastic recap! (hey, that rhymes) I can't stand to watch this trainwreck of a show myself, seriously, how can those 3 people be anointed to judge talent?! But I love your recaps, especially all the screencaps. Keep up the great snark.
2 of 2 | Posted by bdos88![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on July 21, 2007 9:23 AM