The Hoff calls her Babe.
Ew... Back Hoff, dude.
For the next act, Kevin James entices us with promises of an amazing undertaking that will rile the audience, and I wonder what this awesome, gruesome magician will do next?
Last week: Cool!
This week: Lame!
I say aloud, "That was it?" Piers X'es the dude out, and says, "That was it??" Totes, Piers. I feel you. It was really no better than the shtick in "The Addams Family" movies with Thing. Actually, Thing was more impressive than this. I wonder where all of his innovative and cool ideas went to? Maybe that's why he's not already famous. In any case, Hoff declares his love for James' sexy nurse. Also, YEAH. WE GET IT, Hoff. You're a straight guy. The more you try to prove it to us, the more we'll start to believe all of those gerbil rumors (or was that Richard Gere? No matter).
Always with the sexy nurses, you!
After that debacle is our future Luther Vandross, who gushes (pardon the expression) about the fantastic acoustics at his workplace, which is a sewer. "I sing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all the time," he says. In that case, I'm pretty surprised he hasn't yet been found at the bottom of a sewer, drowned by an annoyed co-worker.
"If he sings 'Here And Now' one more freaking time..."
He sings "Run To You," previously made popular by crackhead Whitney Houston, and the desperation/nervousness just seeps out of him and makes his voice crack. When he sings the words "all alone" he looks confusedly around, like, "Where'd my band go?'
"Too many sewer stories? Guys?... Anyone?"
I winced a couple of times and thought he might have a hard time getting the judges on his side. Nope! They love him. They love everybody! They're little whore judges. Maybe they were just distracted by his big friendly smile.
Crest WhiteStrips available now!
After the break we get to see Jonny Come Lately. Hope they don't embarrass themselves again. During their pre-performance profile they are so freaking adorable I just want to pinch all of their little cheeeeeeks! I almost can't take it until they equate the Stray Cats and Sublime with The Beatles. That's when the record-stopping sound effect kicks in and I say, "Um, ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?"
Jigga wha-?
Nevertheless, they play "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," one of my favorite songs EVAR, and they do okay, except that the upright bass player's cord falls out right before his solo. Ouchie. Fortunately, they break it down in the end and the sounds of dozens of teenage girls' screams permeate the air during their finale. Sharon tells them not to worry about the technical shit. I'm pretty sure they've already got a future.
SOOOO CUUUUUTE!
I just hope that kid doesn't want to kill himself after that performance. Anyway, what better way to follow up a great act than with the continuation of "How The Fuck Are You Still Here?" Kashif says that says that this is his dream come true. I say that his dream should be finding the perfect pair of tweezers. I recommend the Tweezerman Mini Slant® Classic Stainless. They're quite good - nice grip.
Honestly, man. Look into it.
In any case, he claims he will "rock the house" and I laugh in his face. Well, at least he has backup dancers this time, and at least THEY have costumes. That's better than the last hundred times, I guess. To be fair, he looks like he's having a blast on stage, and the audience does too.
Totally paid.
However, our sweet Kashif basically just does the same three motions over and over for three minutes. How does that, along with lip synching, qualify as talent?? Actually, Piers agrees with me. He says Kashif has no talent and the personality of a flat pancake. Ummmmmmmmmm.... WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU FIVE WEEKS AGO??? You fucking idiot! Hoff agrees with Piers. What the hell???? It's not like this performance was different in any way than the last few times, so what is going on here?
Yeah, Hoff, you give me a headache too.
I'm pretty sure that this has all been a ruse by the producers, and they just shot a bunch of "yes"es and "no"s for the auditions and then let some crazies get to this round for some diversity and ratings. How else do we explain this? See, this is the problem with reality television. It is so fucking fake.
Goddammit. Thank God the following performer is our beautiful elfin princess, Butterscotch.
"Fear not, talent seekers!"
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Comments (2)
I can't believe no one has commented...absolutely hilarious recap!
I completely agree with you about the 14 year old. For some reason I can't stand hearing little kids sing. Especially teenage girls because they get all into it and usually have crazy facial expressions. Anyway keep up the good work, you are great!
1 of 2 | Posted by dmbislove
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Posted on July 19, 2007 1:31 PM
O. Snapp - fantastic recap! (hey, that rhymes) I can't stand to watch this trainwreck of a show myself, seriously, how can those 3 people be anointed to judge talent?! But I love your recaps, especially all the screencaps. Keep up the great snark.
2 of 2 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on July 21, 2007 9:23 AM