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...Well, Talent is a Strong Word - TVgasm

by Umnata

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agt061806-00.JPG So rumor on the street is that America's got talent. Hmm. Well according to this Simon Cowell two hour season premiere, if America does have talent it's well hidden. What America does have is balls. The balls to get up on stage in front of millions of people and dance with a donkey. What America also has is The Hoff. The Hasselhoff. That's of course in addition to an octogenarian stripper, lots of jugglers, Cirque du Soleil rejects, nose floutists and rapping grannies. It's no major surprise that most of the talent comes in the way of singers (American Idol) and dancers (I'm sure Diddy and MTV are out there somewhere with a reality show you'd be great for), and most of the laughs come inadvertently from The Hoff. But, hey, it's summer, it's hot and Idol is a distant 7 months away. This'll have to do for now.

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So basically, this show is The Gong Show, with buzzers instead of a gong, and American Idol without any potential Idols in sight. It's actually quite funny that these three judges so easily mirror the three judges from American Idol. Piers Morgan is a British reporter to the stars who is like Simon Cowell's slightly more polite and dashing younger brother. Maybe because his record company isn't the one who has to produce Bucky Covington's new CD if for some reason he ends up winning Idol, Piers seems a bit nicer, but his biting comments are funnier, and seem less forced. You would think the role of washed up pop sensation would obviously fall to Brandy, but let's give her a break. She's like what a quarter of Paula Abdul's age and already has double her hits? And since her last album bombed while still going platinum (alright, I'm a closet Brandy fan - sue me), and she seemed pretty lucid during the show, I have to say that she's probably more like this show's Randy Jackson, because they are both black. NO! Because, while lucid, Brandy's delusions of grandeur, seemed to remind me of Jackson's CONSTANT name dropping. Lastly, we have the HOFF, who is definitely this show's Paula Abdul. Crazy. Impetuous. And to be honest, quite ballsy for thinking that he is in the position to judge anyone's talent. The HOFF is the one to watch here!

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Hosting is Regis Philbin, and continuing my American Idol comparisons, it's pretty easy to imagine that Ryan Seacrest was at home watching this show jerking off to the thought of having the Reege's career.

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Reege expalins to us how all of this went down: thousands of people from all over the country found there way to this audition process (none of them, sadly, found a way to their pride). The beauty of it is, the three judges have no idea what is coming out from backstage - is it going to be a singer? gymnast? Circus Clown? Who knows! So after their initial shock at watching a pregnant woman fit 50 eggs up her HOO HAA they each have a buzzer. Once the judges feel as though they've seen enough they hit their buzzers and light up their huge X. Once all three have hit, the act must end and hear their fate. Oh, and I think the winner of the show gets some money, and a touring slot with Ringling Bros. or something. Got it? Good. Let's get this shitshow started!


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Posted by Umnata on June 27, 2006 4:42 PM