So rumor on the street is that America's got talent. Hmm. Well according to this Simon Cowell two hour season premiere, if America does have talent it's well hidden. What America does have is balls. The balls to get up on stage in front of millions of people and dance with a donkey. What America also has is The Hoff. The Hasselhoff. That's of course in addition to an octogenarian stripper, lots of jugglers, Cirque du Soleil rejects, nose floutists and rapping grannies. It's no major surprise that most of the talent comes in the way of singers (American Idol) and dancers (I'm sure Diddy and MTV are out there somewhere with a reality show you'd be great for), and most of the laughs come inadvertently from The Hoff. But, hey, it's summer, it's hot and Idol is a distant 7 months away. This'll have to do for now.
Hosting is Regis Philbin, and continuing my American Idol comparisons, it's pretty easy to imagine that Ryan Seacrest was at home watching this show jerking off to the thought of having the Reege's career.
Reege expalins to us how all of this went down: thousands of people from all over the country found there way to this audition process (none of them, sadly, found a way to their pride). The beauty of it is, the three judges have no idea what is coming out from backstage - is it going to be a singer? gymnast? Circus Clown? Who knows! So after their initial shock at watching a pregnant woman fit 50 eggs up her HOO HAA they each have a buzzer. Once the judges feel as though they've seen enough they hit their buzzers and light up their huge X. Once all three have hit, the act must end and hear their fate. Oh, and I think the winner of the show gets some money, and a touring slot with Ringling Bros. or something. Got it? Good. Let's get this shitshow started!
1. Bobby Badfingers
Bobby Badfingers is a professional Snappist, so at first I think it's going to be a gay guy or a really biting comedian with lots of one liners, but no, the name was literal. This guy can snap his fingers, like, a lot. It's actually pretty cool, and the judges love it, although I think I developed a case of Arthritis just from watching this.
2. Dave The Horn Guy
So this guy thinks he's all bad ass. At one point he goes from just playing the horns to playing the horns like a gangsta. Piers, gives him the first X of the evening, but Brandy is intrigued, especiallly when brother starts getting down with his bad self. Please. Piers wants him to perform. On a pier. Or, perhaps, off it. It's funny because his name is pronounced PIERCE, but spelt PIERS, and he used the word PIER. My mind is more blown by that then,Dave the Horn Guy. But the Hoff likes it enough - he'll be back.
3. Blue Velvet
Blue Velvet is a group of singers, two girls and a guy dressed all 50's style. Before they can finish a 2 second harmony of BLLLUUUUE VELVETTTT, all three buzzers are hit. It's the funniest moment of the night.
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Comments (12)
The Svan watched the show due to a family request. You did not mention the most irritating portion of the entire broadcast. The judges repeatedly hit each other’s buttons so the whole thing was beyond ridiculous. God, if only I had those two hours back.
1 of 12 | Posted by The Svan
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Posted on June 27, 2006 7:45 PM
i liked this better when it was called the gong show.
brandy, i spanked it to jaye p. morgan. and you are no jaye p. morgan.
2 of 12 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on June 27, 2006 9:19 PM
Worst show EVER! They should just rename it "The Price Of Making A Deal Searching For A Gong Star Show" because there is NOTHING original about this show at all.
STOP STEALING FROM OTHER TV SHOWS!!! Whats up with the way they call them down? I'll bet $201 on the showcase, Reg!
And apparently the audience is asked to dress up in wierd costumes ala Let's Make A Deal.
The Hoff is the only good thing about this show. I compeletly lost respect for Brandy after she was defending her lack of a current hit record to that one guy. And Simon, if the British guy on your show isnt you. No one cares.
3 of 12 | Posted by JennCho
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Posted on June 27, 2006 9:35 PM
The singers are mediocre and the jugglers drop stuff. Even the novelty acts suck. RappingGranny=yawnsville.
I THOUGHT Hoff, recovering from his Idol sobfest, would be my saving grace, but for me his whole awkward, stupid-funny thing wore off and after 20 minutes he was giving me a stomach ache... seriously I can't deal. He's like the person in the room you try your hardest not to talk to.
Props to my girl Brandy though. She'll always be my Cinderella.
Oh, and I actually think Syd the kid was the one pretty OK act. Sort of like a young raven with an edge? Maybe not...
4 of 12 | Posted by MikeyLikesIt
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Posted on June 28, 2006 12:58 AM
I must admit I really liked the finger snap guy. He was by far the best one.
5 of 12 | Posted by jenny10girl
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Posted on June 28, 2006 5:40 AM
I hate novelty acts. A lot. Especially the ones who take themselves way too seriously (I'm talking to YOU, bird-lady!).
6 of 12 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 28, 2006 7:54 AM
Not so bad really. I like variety acts, it beats the constant singing shows.
The RappinGranny was awful though, worst of the night.
It was fairly entertaining and gave me a few laughs.
7 of 12 | Posted by Whovite
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Posted on June 28, 2006 7:54 AM
Strangely enough, I didn't mind "Rappin' Granny", although by the end of the show I was sick and tired of them teasing her as we went out and returned from commercial break, which kinda ruined it for me.
8 of 12 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on June 28, 2006 8:01 AM
I really tried to watch this show, but I quit after about 20 minutes. It got old really quickly, and was just painful to watch.
9 of 12 | Posted by Casey
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Posted on June 28, 2006 8:06 AM
The thing with the juggler who dropped everything was clearly staged. He dropped the stuff on purpose, his argument with Piers and Piers's offer to let him juggle the knives was scripted, and he could really juggle all along. They just put it in there to liven things up a bit.
I liked that little girl who sang "I Have Nothing", mostly because I like to sing that song in the shower. Syd the Kid didn't have the greatest material, but I guess it's ok because she's 8.
The Hoff is by far the best part of the show though. He's like your weird uncle who awkwardly uses slang, like, "I thought you were off the hook!"
10 of 12 | Posted by Lisa
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Posted on June 28, 2006 8:36 AM
I just want to state for the record that it was Mr. C who wanted to watch this, but being that it is summer, no BB7 yet and nothing on, I plopped down and checked it out too.
Urgh, it was as cheesy as I thought it'd be.
And The Swan is right, the pushing of other's buttons was completely irritating.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who wasn't impressed by Rappin' G-ma. Loooved The DH's (or The Hoff's) dancin'. That was the best part. Ok, that and the Regis balloon.
11 of 12 | Posted by MrsC
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Posted on June 28, 2006 9:34 AM
I've never seen this show, and I am so glad. So...so glad.
However, I must say, Brandi looks *just* like Star freaking Jones in that recap pic.
.... so glad.
12 of 12 | Posted by spatula
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Posted on June 29, 2006 2:00 PM