WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
As I look upon last week's New York episode of "America's Got Talent,?" all that comes to mind is, "What the hell???" As in, "What the hell is with a show whose title is grammatically frought with error?" and "What the hell is with David Hasselhoff's attention-whore personality disorder?" and "What the hell is with a recapper who waits six days to give TVGasm readers what they so obviously are dying to read?" and, as my boyfriend so eloquently put it, "What the hell happened to Piers' balls, man?" Well, fear not, dear readers, O. Snapp is back (though Piers' balls are still nowhere to be found). Now all I have to wonder is, "Does America Have Talent???"
The New York episode of any audition-based reality show is usually the wackiest, craziest and most fun to watch. Yours truly hails from the Empire State, and having had the pleasure last weekend of witnessing the freaky fun that is the Mermaid Parade, I was expecting my fellow New Yorkers to step up to the plate and deliver the most entertaining episode of this Crap Circus that we've ever seen.
During the first act, a coupla weight lifters bring out a trunk and set it on stage. Everyone waits with bated breath to see what the trunk will possibly do, and sure enough, after a few seconds of wacky/magical music, the top starts to pop open and out comes this adorable contortionist, who does things that nobody in this audience thought possible.
"OUCHIE!"
Except me. I'm pretty sure I recognize him from a commercial from a few years back?
Just sayin'. I think that's him. Anyway, he truly is amazing and I wonder what else he could possibly do with his life if not entertain David Hasselhoff. Perhaps he could get a job working for the government in some odd secret-ops kind of capacity. Or he could be like that little Asian guy in the next "Ocean's Eleven" movie. Maybe there could be a spinoff movie of the little Asian dude and this guy... now THAT would be entertaining. For now, he'll have to settle for judgement by The Hoff.
Exactly what is he trying to do to himself here?
To Piers' chagrin, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Hoff vote him through, and I can't say as I blame them. I mean, it was a pretty captivating act, even though I don't know whether he'll beat out all those other folks for a cool mil.
Next up is Abenz, who says he's "hot like lava, baby" and then mumbles a whole bunch of other stuff I can't really discern. He's a rapper, and he and his singing friend are dressed quite dapperly. Unfortunately, Abenz is actually about as hot as your grandma's cooter. He rhymes "safari" with "Marriott lobby." I'm not joking.
"Hey, it worked for Snoop and the Holiday Inn."
His friend was pretty good though, and they ask Byron to come back later without his rapper baggage. Yeah, that fawning over his backup singer was definitely not what Abenz had in mind.
After a short break, we have little miss Sunshine, who looks like the entire decade of the 1960s took some LSD and then threw up all over itself.
"Pardon me, I ate too much peace."
She attempts to sing "Amazing Grace" and not only does she SUCK, but she fucks up the words too. I'm pretty sure her audition was just a ploy among her and her friends to try to stick it to the man.
Let's pool our money together and get her some contacts, whaddaya say?
I wish I could have seen more of what this guy had to offer.
... especially because he echoed my sentiment of today and said "What the hell?" when they told him he wouldn't go to Vegas. Man, old people who curse really crack my shit up.
Next we have Odysy, a little boy band who gets the requisite walking-in-slow-motion montage. I automatically know I'm supposed to like them. But I don't like much of anything, so I'm not gonna hold my breath.
They get up on stage and do a combination of beatboxing and singing one of my favorite songs, "Real Love" by Mary J. Blige. I am shocked when I actually get goose bumps watching them. They're like a Boyz II Men for the new generation, plus they make their own beats. They're tight, they get the audience going, and I believe they're pretty awesome. It's obvious they'll get through.
Right?
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