Um, well, Piers says they don't have good enough voices, Sharon says none of them has enough of a lead vocal talent (um, that's why they're A GROUP) and Hoff basically says "Eh." What??? Fuck off, judges!
Luckily, they barely make it through, thanks to Sharon's unending naïve faith in everyone alive.
Next is a gentleman who tells a lot of black jokes and New Orleans refugee jokes. He's pretty funny, but I think he could have gotten a little more well-rounded with his material.
Hoff is so easy to please.
After that we've got the Hooker Sisters, who butcher an Alicia Keys song not by singing terribly, but by each singing the same exact notes at the same exact (slow) pace. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's just stereo surround sound, not harmony.
Way to keep it classy, New York.
They beg for a second chance, but the judges properly tell them that if they gave them a second chance, it wouldn't be fair to the other auditioners. Kindergarten logic comes in handy yet again!
This dude is called Sexy Techno Boy, and in his mind, he is the greatest talent in America.
He must be. He's surrounded by stars.
He as aspirations of becoming a (singing/dancing/composing/songwriting/producing) superstar in Europe for his unique beats and dancing/singing abilities. His inspiration comes from Madonna, Janet Jackson, and "a lot of glow-stick ravers." Totally awesome, man. Ravers are so cool these days. Wait, what do you mean it's not 1998 anymore?
Yet, when he does his thang, he pretty much just seems like a kid who locks himself in his room and loses himself in the music every night by himself. He doesn't sing so much as speak his music, once in awhile saying "STOP!" and keeps his eyes down while he's dancing. That's not superstar behavior!
STOP!
He's giving me daymares of my crazy neighbors who blast techno music at three in the morning. I hate those bitches. I want this kid to fail.
In judging, the Hoff actually says something accurate and observant. He tells STB that he's like, when you go to a club and you really want to dance, but there's always that kid on the dance floor who's like, in his own little world, so nobody wants to go on the floor with him? STB says yeah, that's him alright. At least he admits it!
This is the point where I wonder what's going to happen to these people who get rejected? Like, what will Sexy Techno Boy do with his life if his dream is something for which he has absolutely no ability? What will he end up doing with his life?
Well, it's about time for our weekly Inspirational Story. We've got this kid Lazy Legs, who has a rare disorder that makes the muscles in his legs very small. Of course his dream is to be a dancer.
He's got some backups, and together they're called Illmatic Styles. Usually I hope for someone to fall down or trip onstage or something ridiculous so we can laugh at them, but even O. Snapp has some semblance of a heart in this case. I want them to kill, and kill they do! All hearts are warmed as Lazy Legs enthusiastically breaks it down and shows the audience how to boogie. Yes, boogie.
Shake it! Shake what your doctor gave ya!
I definitely couldn't do this. Kudos, Lazy Legs.
Everyone is impressed and oh you KNOW they get through to Vegas!
How to follow up on that but with a reverend who likes to play with knives?
Plus his appropriately accessorized assistant.
He's got a partner with so much trust in him that I'm pretty sure she's fucked up in the head. I think we can all agree to that, right? Who else would choose this as a profession? The entire audience, the judges, and I are all on the edge of our seats as we watch this double-blindfolded psycho throw knives at his woman.
I can't even count all the things that are wrong with this picture, Reverend.
Piers tries to X them out just because he's a-scared for her life. Although... it would be good television if she got accidentally stabbed, no?
The next group is sure to be hi-LA-rious.
I think these are my dad's fishing buddies?
I just love the orange shirt. They're called the Three Redneck Tenors and they've got a good attitude. They want to make people laugh, while using the voices with which they've been blessed, while bringing wholesome music to the people. Eh, that's cool, I'll go with that.
Can we say HOTTIE?!
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