This old guy Jay and his woman, from an unidentified foreign country, do a little juggling/belly-dancing act to Billy Ocean's "Caribbean Queen." It must hold a lot of sentimental value, because I'm pretty sure the last time that song was popular was the last time this couple had sex.
They're cute and all, but he drops his shit a couple of times and come on. Billy Ocean? X them out.
"No more love on the run..."
Thoth, our next love, is what he calls a "pray-former." To me he looks like what I always pictured when I used to read that book "The Indian In The Cupboard."
A talent of Thothic proportions
Despite my nostalgic affection for the character, this guy has far less charisma and although he does a truly different act (violin/opera/feet cymbals), it's definitely not what the judges and audience want to see.
Okay, so, I was wrong. THESE guys are the next Boyz II Men.
"Motown Philly's back again..."
They are pretty well-rehearsed, but the lead guy's voice is strained and at some points he sounds like he's just shouting or whispering, no tone to his voice at all. Again, mediocre. Piers, don't let me down now.
No luck. Piers says they dress well (true), behave well (true), and sing well (not true). They let them through and I can't believe it! All you have to do in this competition is have a second-rate singing voice? I'm auditioning next season. I could really use a million bucks right about now.
Next is an adorable little kid who sings with his Grampie.
AWWWWW! You know your heart's melting.
He sings with that rough, old-timey voice to match his Newsies outfit. I bet when he and his Grandpa rehearse together it's just precious. But although he is a cutie, again, not that talented. I mean, he's like 10 years old. What do you know? They put him straight through. Where's Cowell when you need him? You are no Cowell, Piers. No Cowell at all.
Also unremarkable were a "talking" bunny and yet another illusionist. This is getting pretty boring. But then we have a promising returner, Byron, who left his rapper behind and is now auditioning on his own. Was there ever any doubt he'd get through?
I think he's happy about it.
Last but certainly not least, we have the Plus-Size Pussycat Dolls.
Where's Anastacia?
Okay, they're actually called the Glamazons, and listen. They LOVE their bodies and all of the talents that God gave them, and they are NOT afraid to show it, girlfriend! The editors show us a bunch of black guys that are definitely interested in their bodies. I have nothing against that, I'm just sayin', they showed us seven guys, and none of them were white. Why is that? Or should I say, What the hell?
They are beautiful though, and when they come on stage, Hassehoff says, "The Pussycat Dolls! I love that show!" Holla! The Pussycat Dolls show has now exceeded its own pop group.
Their performance is entertaining enough, though it's not like they actually dance like the Pussycat Dolls or anything. They sing okay and to me it's all one big shoulder shrug. I've seen better.
Shake it, babies. Shake ALL of it.
Luckily for these Big Pussies, Piers says he's the kind of bloke who loves the larger ladies. May I just say, EW. EW EW and one more EW! I do not have any interest in knowing Piers Morgan's sexual preferences. Whatsoever. None. Let's just move on.
True to mediocre form, the judges let them through to the next round and that's it for the New York auditions. That was pretty disappointing. There was really only one freak on this episode (unless you count the Hoff) and I think I can speak for all of us when I say I'm tired of stupid or average acts getting through and good ones being told they're not ready. Also I'm sick of these silly little producer-arranged outbursts from the judges. In fact, I REFUSE TO GO ON. I'm getting up from my judge's seat and I won't be back for TWO WEEKS! Take that, Hasselhoff!
Oh wait, before I go, though, aren't these screengrabs awesome?
So, Hoff, how'd that eye lift work out for ya?
"Abra... ca DABRA!"
I feel the same way, Sharon. I do.
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