Claudia asks VJ to take his shirt off and is visibly impressed by what she sees. Join the club, sweetie. She says, "This is fun." You know what? I like Claudia Wells. Give me a show about her, I say. She reminds me a bit of Melinda Clarke from The O.C. Which is a total compliment, because Julie Cooper was all kinds of badass. VJ lies in an interview that even if he doesn't win, he'll be happy because he made it this far. Does anyone actually believe that? Andre is fitted for his suit. He screams "Soviet!" again. Lordy - I am NOT going to miss that. He kisses Julie Cooper/Claudia Wells' hands. She pretends to be charmed, but 10 bucks says that as soon as Andre leaves she breaks out the tiny bottle of anti-bacterial solution she keeps in her purse and rubs it all over her hands.
Another fun fact: There's no way those things are real. This woman is going to have severe back problems in the not too distant future.
Morning. Andre gets dressed. VJ gets dressed. VJ feels like a "warrior putting on his armor." Well, good lucked jousting in that so-called armor, VJ - poly-cotton blends can tear pretty easily. A limo pulls up to whisk the "models" away. They pull up to the El Rey theater in L.A. On the marquee, it says, "Now on stage America's Most Smartest Model." For some reason, both VJ and Andre are very excited about this and I'm not sure why. It's a damn marquee, just like the one at the Sacred Heart school down the road from me: "Tuesday - Bake Sale for debate team." Actually, that is kind of exciting. I hope they have cinnamon rolls.
Inside the El Rey, VJ kinda gays out a little and says he and Andre each get their own rooms, like they are "actors! Getting ready for Broadway!" complete with a touch of the jazz hands. I think VJ's secret wish is to go out there and sing "Big Spender" from Sweet Charity to Ben and Mary Alice. "Do you wanna have fun? How's about a few laughs? I could show a . . . good time!" God, I love that movie, even if Shirley MacLaine's vocal stylings are a bit iffy.
Good lookin', so refined! Say, wouldn'tcha like to know what's goin' on in my...line!
VJ goes over his notes in his green room (see? I know the theatre lingo.). One of his lines is, "I! Can! Accomplish! Anything!" I! Am! Annoyed! By! VJ's! Enthusiasm! In the mirror, VJ says to his reflection, "I look like a gosh damn Kennedy." Yeah - maybe Eunice Kennedy. Pickel walks in to Andre's green room, and in interview, Andre does this completely horrendous and embarrassing Ed McMahon/Tonight Show impression, all, "Herrrrre's Jefffffffffff Pickel!" I hope Andre's watching this and covering his face in shame. Learn from your mistakes, Andre. Learn from your many, many, many mistakes.
Andre shows Pickel the presentation. Pickel asks, "But . . . where are the naked pictures of Brett? You promised me naked pictures of Brett, Andre!" (Not really. But I bet he's thinking it.) Pickel interviews that Andre still has issues with the English language, and that he was smart to ask Pickel to do his presentation for him. "Smart" isn't quite the word I would use, Pickel.
VJ and Andre walk out to see Ben and Mary Alice sitting at a table covered in red velvet. Mary Alice appears to be wearing a necklace made entirely of Hearts of the Ocean from Titanic. How many 120 year-old ladies had to die to make your necklace, Mary Alice? Mary Alice - without champagne?! - explains that VJ and Andre have 5 minutes to make their presentations. Ben Stein introduces the Ugly But Smart judges.
The first is one of those precious old men with those glasses that make their eyes look 3 times larger. He is an actual rocket scientist. I hope he has an accent! That would just be precious-er. Andre interviews that "the guy likes rockets! Just like meee!" What the hell is up with Andre in this episode? He's acting like a seventh-grade girl on Pajama Day of School Spirit Week. Go Buffaloes! Tee-hee!
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Comments (9)
I'm in South Africa at the mo, and missed the endings to all my fave low down ho down shows; Tila, I Love NY 2, ANTM and of course Most Smartest Model-your recap was hilarious actually making me laugh out loud (rare but true) Thanks for filling me in on this cultural classic. (Though I think VJ is a stinky shmuck)
1 of 9 | Posted by nobigdealiguess | Posted on December 23, 2007 8:27 AM
i'm only on page one of your recap, but i'm loving the word "craptasia" enough to buy you a moderately priced domestic beer if you're ever in cleveland.
two if it's ladies night.
and if you do decide to put something on vj, it's entirely possible that you'll run into mine while there. just push me out of the way and we'll share. though vj comes across as about 5'4" on screen, i'm guessing there's more than enough man to go around.
2 of 9 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on December 23, 2007 3:16 PM
....great job recapping an awesome show.... the Soviet was robbed cuz VJ's a cheater.... look forward to future recaps from you....
3 of 9 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on December 23, 2007 3:33 PM
Thanks, everyone! I am SO sorry it took so long to recap it. Everyone can write nasty letters to iTunes and/or VH1 if you want. ;)
I had a freakin' blast doing this show, and hopefully I'll be back for (I cannot believe these words are coming out of my mouth) Season 2. *shudder*
VJ may be a bit unscrupulous, but I'm going to forgive him because . . . damn. Hotter than a habenero.
4 of 9 | Posted by Hypnotoad | Posted on December 23, 2007 6:00 PM
A second season? Oh no, I don't think I can stomach hearing the bad grammar of "most smartest" anymore ... but I'm SO looking forward to the recaps ...
thanks hypnotoad, you've been hilarious :)
5 of 9 | Posted by chelle | Posted on December 24, 2007 9:34 AM
Two things really bugged me: First, VJ attacking Andre's move to bring in Pickel. This was Andre using the resources he had available to think outside the box, just like VJ did so often. Sure, he couldn't win on his own, but he used his advantage (the cell phone). I think Andre could have made a compelling argument had he noted the hypocrisy there, that if VJ does something outside the box, it's strategy. But if Andre does something outside the box, it's "almost cowardly." VJ can't criticize Andre's actions if he wants his own somewhat questionable ones to hold up. Then again, Andre's not smart enough to connect the dots there.
The other thing? Most smartest. Gah. Makes me hate VH1 for pushing that combination on the world.
6 of 9 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on December 24, 2007 9:56 AM
This was a week of disappointing finales for me. I wanted Andre, Buddha and Dani to win...0 for 3
7 of 9 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on December 24, 2007 11:13 PM
I think VJ could have walked out and sung off key Christmas caroles and still won, since the winner was slated to model for VO5 hair products. How could they do THAT with Andre... slug a Russian bear rug on his smug "Soviet" mug? Fa la la la la, la la la la! (Ouch! I'm sorry!)
8 of 9 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 27, 2007 3:18 PM
Ugh! I think Mary Alice has the hots for VJ and that's why he won....then again, maybe I'm just bitter because all of my reality shows have turned on me and none of my picks won! And that's all I've got right now since the big wigs won't nut up & pay the damn writers!
I totally agree with MidwestNomad though...if only Andre could have made that connection.
9 of 9 | Posted by smolls | Posted on December 28, 2007 11:11 AM