The other smarty judge is some guy who is, according to Ben, a writer, psychologist, and investment banker. Mary Alice introduces the Dumb But Pretty guest judges. They are some chick who has dressed famous people and a guy named Cameron who was voted by Time magazine as one of the "most influential people in fashion" and owns a vintage couture boutique. Yeowza - dude looks pretentious. I bet he wore an ascot in high school and has never had a beer in his entire life.
Yo, Mr. Toad! Love your Wild Ride!
I notice that VJ and Cameron McPretention have handkerchiefs in their lapels that match their ties. When the heck did that come back in fashion? That crap is tacky and pointless. The only reason to have a handkerchief is if you're a 60 year-old man who blows his nose a lot, and even that is kinda disgusting. Sorry, Dad - I love you but it really grosses me out. Ben pretends to care by saying that he and Mary Alice have been honored to work with the two of them throughout the competition.
VJ's up first. Hey, VJ tells us that "VJ" stands for Van Jameson, in case you cared. Which you did not, of that I am sure. He projects this ginormous image of himself on the screen. Seriously. When it's placed next to the real VJ, he is teeny tiny in comparison. What if all the "models" on the show were this giant size, I wonder? That is terrifying, especially when one considers how big Jesse already is. And Mandy Lynn's boobs? They'd block out the sun, ruining our crops, and making us very, very cold.
VJ quotes Patton, saying, "If everybody's thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking." Well, doesn't that mean that everybody's thinking? I think so, and so do you. Oh no! VJ's audio doesn't work! This is a disaster ripe with juicy drama! For half a second. Thanks for promising something and delivering nothing, Show. VJ of course covers well. The clip he shows on the huge VJ-Vision screen is of VJ calling his friend for Jag advice. Was VJ cheating? No! VJ was "adapting. Using my resources, and staying ahead of the pact." Oops. He meant to say "pack." This is an honest mistake, really. At least it's not as bad as the girl I knew in college who said "amb-lee-ance" instead of "ambulance." I also knew a girl who said "Chi-pull-tay" instead of "Chipotle."
I'm bored. Where are the breasts? What have we done? I want MAAAAANDY!!!
Ben Stein is not amused and looks at the Ugly But Smart judges as if to say, "Yeah, these people are kinda dumb. I warned you. But you're on TV! Yay!" VJ projects a graph on screen, saying that he is a golden retriever, as compared to Andre as a rottweiler. VJ says rottweilers will eat your baby! Oh my god! Run upstairs and check on your babies! Are they okay? Yeah? Good to know. Although, I hate both dogs and babies, so what do I care? Mary Alice and Ben chuckle at this analogy. Eating babies is hilarious! VJ makes his closing comments, something about room to grow and room to change, and everyone claps. I have to say, VJ would make a good public speaker. But he'd have to do it with his shirt off so that the audience could forgive him for his staggering load of bullshit.
Seventh-grader Andre interviews that he's ready to beat VJ. Andre walks out and tells the judges that the "models" were thrown curveball after curveball in the competition. Oh, how I wish that were literally true. So now it's his turn to throw a curveball. He introduces Pickel. Mary Alice and Ben Stein are stunned. Backstage, VJ looks pissed. Like Faith-Hill-losing-to-Carrie-Underwood pissed. Awesome.
I'm so telling Tim McGraw to slash your tires, you hick bitch!
Again, Andre interviews that his gift is "from Soviet with love!" Is Andre Soviet? I had no idea. It's not as if he's told us over and over again throughout this entire series, causing my eye to twitch every time he says it. Pickel turns on his Pickel charm - barf - and says he is here to support Andre because Andre will be America's Most Smartest Model.
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Comments (9)
I'm in South Africa at the mo, and missed the endings to all my fave low down ho down shows; Tila, I Love NY 2, ANTM and of course Most Smartest Model-your recap was hilarious actually making me laugh out loud (rare but true) Thanks for filling me in on this cultural classic. (Though I think VJ is a stinky shmuck)
1 of 9 | Posted by nobigdealiguess | Posted on December 23, 2007 8:27 AM
i'm only on page one of your recap, but i'm loving the word "craptasia" enough to buy you a moderately priced domestic beer if you're ever in cleveland.
two if it's ladies night.
and if you do decide to put something on vj, it's entirely possible that you'll run into mine while there. just push me out of the way and we'll share. though vj comes across as about 5'4" on screen, i'm guessing there's more than enough man to go around.
2 of 9 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on December 23, 2007 3:16 PM
....great job recapping an awesome show.... the Soviet was robbed cuz VJ's a cheater.... look forward to future recaps from you....
3 of 9 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on December 23, 2007 3:33 PM
Thanks, everyone! I am SO sorry it took so long to recap it. Everyone can write nasty letters to iTunes and/or VH1 if you want. ;)
I had a freakin' blast doing this show, and hopefully I'll be back for (I cannot believe these words are coming out of my mouth) Season 2. *shudder*
VJ may be a bit unscrupulous, but I'm going to forgive him because . . . damn. Hotter than a habenero.
4 of 9 | Posted by Hypnotoad | Posted on December 23, 2007 6:00 PM
A second season? Oh no, I don't think I can stomach hearing the bad grammar of "most smartest" anymore ... but I'm SO looking forward to the recaps ...
thanks hypnotoad, you've been hilarious :)
5 of 9 | Posted by chelle | Posted on December 24, 2007 9:34 AM
Two things really bugged me: First, VJ attacking Andre's move to bring in Pickel. This was Andre using the resources he had available to think outside the box, just like VJ did so often. Sure, he couldn't win on his own, but he used his advantage (the cell phone). I think Andre could have made a compelling argument had he noted the hypocrisy there, that if VJ does something outside the box, it's strategy. But if Andre does something outside the box, it's "almost cowardly." VJ can't criticize Andre's actions if he wants his own somewhat questionable ones to hold up. Then again, Andre's not smart enough to connect the dots there.
The other thing? Most smartest. Gah. Makes me hate VH1 for pushing that combination on the world.
6 of 9 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on December 24, 2007 9:56 AM
This was a week of disappointing finales for me. I wanted Andre, Buddha and Dani to win...0 for 3
7 of 9 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on December 24, 2007 11:13 PM
I think VJ could have walked out and sung off key Christmas caroles and still won, since the winner was slated to model for VO5 hair products. How could they do THAT with Andre... slug a Russian bear rug on his smug "Soviet" mug? Fa la la la la, la la la la! (Ouch! I'm sorry!)
8 of 9 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 27, 2007 3:18 PM
Ugh! I think Mary Alice has the hots for VJ and that's why he won....then again, maybe I'm just bitter because all of my reality shows have turned on me and none of my picks won! And that's all I've got right now since the big wigs won't nut up & pay the damn writers!
I totally agree with MidwestNomad though...if only Andre could have made that connection.
9 of 9 | Posted by smolls | Posted on December 28, 2007 11:11 AM