We're treated to pointless interviews about the levels of nervousness of VJ and Andre. Silly tribal drums pound in the background as Ben gives us the last pointless analogy that has confused many, both contestants and audience members. Something about Stalingrad and 1943 and . . . VJ is America's Most Smartest Model! VJ acknowledges Andre, saying, "I couldn't have done it without an incredible competitor." Oh, please. Andre is sad. He wishes VJ the best (whatever) and interviews that it was "a great journey and it wasn't meant to be." He then cancels out his "best wishes" for VJ by saying that he "spits, he curses, he coughs, he cheats, he lies." Andre tells us that anytime we miss him, we just have to look in a magazine. Unless that magazine is Honcho, Andre, I think I'll pass.
Wait. I like him again.
We're treated to one final "Soviet!" and fist-pump, and then Andre is gone. Don't worry - he'll borrow money from his parents and be back on his feet in no time! Well, once those sexual assault charges are taken care of, anyway. Back inside, VJ is all smiles, as Mary Alice obviously reads from a teleprompter or cue card about how much growth VJ has made. So, VJ will be in a V05 ad, and gets a portfolio of his photos. And now, I present to you a scene from a modeling agency, as VJ attempts to show his portfolio:
AGENT. So . . . you posed with a . . . is that supposed to be a . . .nerd? In this photo?
VJ. (Enthusiastically.) Yeah! We got to make our own tanning solution and rub it on the nerd! It was awesome!
AGENT. Uh huh. And in this picture, you're posing with a . . . horse?
VJ. Oh, man, that was so sweet. There's a whole barnyard theme there.
AGENT. Yeah, I see that. Let's see . . . Have you done any runway work?
VJ. Oh, totally. There was this one time where we had to make our own clothes based on geometric shapes? And then, like, wear them for a fashion show.
AGENT. Seriously?
VJ. Oh yeah.
AGENT. Well . . . that's . . . interesting. You know, I'm not so sure -
VJ. I was on a TV show! I won!
AGENT. Oh? Which one?
VJ. America's Most Smartest Model!
AGENT. Yeah, I'm not familiar with that.
VJ. It was on VH1!
AGENT. Of course it was, sweetie. (Patting VJ's hand.) Of course it was. Well, thanks for coming in, DJ -
VJ. It's VJ.
AGENT. Whatever. We'll call you if anything . . . farm or nerd related comes up.
VJ. Sweet, thanks! (VJ exits.)
AGENT. (Picks up phone, dials.) Oh my god, you will not believe the crap I just had to look at! No. No lunch for me. Because I don't eat on Tuesdays and Thursdays, that's why! (Hangs up angrily.)
END SCENE
Flashbacks to VJ throughout the competition, including one of him in the shower commercial. Mmmmmm . . . VJ in a shower. Why can't we have 43 minutes of that? It'd be a boring recap, but hell if I care! Included in VJ's portfolio is the check for $100,000. VJ says his mom knew he could do it. Aw, that's sweet. VJ is America's Most Smartest Model. The end.
Well, that's all she wrote. I have to say that I was completely not surprised that VJ won. After the shower commercial, I figured he probably would. So, that's it. I'd like to thank everyone for reading my very first recaps, ever. For a professional website and not my Myspace page, at least. Flipit? Dude? You rock my face off. And thanks to you, the loyal readers, who have been here since the beginning. I'll be back here again, that's for sure. Just look for the Hypnotoad name on any quality product. I've heard there's going to be a second season of this unfortunate bastard-child, so who knows? Another season of Jesses and Mandy Lynns. I think I'm up to the challenge. As long as VH1 and iTunes pull their heads out of their gigantic assholes! Well, as Ben Stein would say, as the [insert historical event or person] was to the [insert other historical event or person], I have been vanquished. Cheers and thanks. Happy Holidays!
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Comments (9)
I'm in South Africa at the mo, and missed the endings to all my fave low down ho down shows; Tila, I Love NY 2, ANTM and of course Most Smartest Model-your recap was hilarious actually making me laugh out loud (rare but true) Thanks for filling me in on this cultural classic. (Though I think VJ is a stinky shmuck)
1 of 9 | Posted by nobigdealiguess | Posted on December 23, 2007 8:27 AM
i'm only on page one of your recap, but i'm loving the word "craptasia" enough to buy you a moderately priced domestic beer if you're ever in cleveland.
two if it's ladies night.
and if you do decide to put something on vj, it's entirely possible that you'll run into mine while there. just push me out of the way and we'll share. though vj comes across as about 5'4" on screen, i'm guessing there's more than enough man to go around.
2 of 9 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on December 23, 2007 3:16 PM
....great job recapping an awesome show.... the Soviet was robbed cuz VJ's a cheater.... look forward to future recaps from you....
3 of 9 | Posted by chooch850 | Posted on December 23, 2007 3:33 PM
Thanks, everyone! I am SO sorry it took so long to recap it. Everyone can write nasty letters to iTunes and/or VH1 if you want. ;)
I had a freakin' blast doing this show, and hopefully I'll be back for (I cannot believe these words are coming out of my mouth) Season 2. *shudder*
VJ may be a bit unscrupulous, but I'm going to forgive him because . . . damn. Hotter than a habenero.
4 of 9 | Posted by Hypnotoad | Posted on December 23, 2007 6:00 PM
A second season? Oh no, I don't think I can stomach hearing the bad grammar of "most smartest" anymore ... but I'm SO looking forward to the recaps ...
thanks hypnotoad, you've been hilarious :)
5 of 9 | Posted by chelle | Posted on December 24, 2007 9:34 AM
Two things really bugged me: First, VJ attacking Andre's move to bring in Pickel. This was Andre using the resources he had available to think outside the box, just like VJ did so often. Sure, he couldn't win on his own, but he used his advantage (the cell phone). I think Andre could have made a compelling argument had he noted the hypocrisy there, that if VJ does something outside the box, it's strategy. But if Andre does something outside the box, it's "almost cowardly." VJ can't criticize Andre's actions if he wants his own somewhat questionable ones to hold up. Then again, Andre's not smart enough to connect the dots there.
The other thing? Most smartest. Gah. Makes me hate VH1 for pushing that combination on the world.
6 of 9 | Posted by MidwestNomad | Posted on December 24, 2007 9:56 AM
This was a week of disappointing finales for me. I wanted Andre, Buddha and Dani to win...0 for 3
7 of 9 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on December 24, 2007 11:13 PM
I think VJ could have walked out and sung off key Christmas caroles and still won, since the winner was slated to model for VO5 hair products. How could they do THAT with Andre... slug a Russian bear rug on his smug "Soviet" mug? Fa la la la la, la la la la! (Ouch! I'm sorry!)
8 of 9 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 27, 2007 3:18 PM
Ugh! I think Mary Alice has the hots for VJ and that's why he won....then again, maybe I'm just bitter because all of my reality shows have turned on me and none of my picks won! And that's all I've got right now since the big wigs won't nut up & pay the damn writers!
I totally agree with MidwestNomad though...if only Andre could have made that connection.
9 of 9 | Posted by smolls | Posted on December 28, 2007 11:11 AM