Greetings and salutations fashionistas! Well, it's been a crazy week for our poor Tyranna-Sore-Ass, what with the international news coverage of the riot/stampede that broke out amongst a mob of munchkins at auditions for Cycle 13 (a.k.a. The "Okay, I Guess Short Chicks Might Be Pretty, Too" Cycle) in New York City! I don't want to sound callous or uncaring, but I was too busy burning effigies of A.I.G. executives (and their obscene bonus checks) to really pay that much attention to the story. However, after several seconds worth of research, I did find out some interesting things...
..."Ok, whoever lets me touch their boobies gets to meet Tyra!"...
...namely, this hysterical video from a disgruntled and "fustrated" model hopeful who is upset that a.) the cops were not enforcing the "no cutsies" rule of line-waiting, b.) they had to stand and waste nine whole hours of their day (welcome to the world of retail jobs, ladies!) and c.) demands to know what Tyra was doing while girls were getting "stompled on". Yes, there's no shortage of drama with America's Next Top Model this week... except on the actual episode that aired. Still, I'm fixing to jazz it all up for you with lots of goodies, so join me after the jump, mm'kay my lovelies?...
As if all that rioting shit wasn't bad enough, Chris Crocker, the *snort* "famous weblebrity" is also reportedly upset with Tyra for allowing AmINuts to co-opt his superclever (and obviously copyrighted) phrase "Keep it cute, or put it on mute!" on last week's episode. "Chris who??!?", you may ask? I don't blame you, it has been 15 minutes.
In other related news, Chris Cocker has now lashed out at the rest of the world, claiming to have also originated the catch-phrases "Talk to the hand!", "Word to ya mutha!", and "23 skidoo!" and demands that we stop ignoring him or he'll cry. Suck it, Chris...
...and leave Tyra alone...
On with the show. We start out with a quick rehash of the joys and tears brought on by the lackluster "makeovers" the girls received last week, followed by Tyra taking down La Flaca a few pegs and dismissing her for thinking she's so sexypretty. And tonight's show is brought to you by the good folks at Tampax, whose commercial compares menstruation to a "monthly gift"...
...and who doesn't love a big box of bloating, irritability and cramps?...
Post-elimination and back at the house, the girls find Teyomboy's winning photo (with the floating light-dildoes) on digital display (and the phrase "This is a model" helpfully printed next to it). She says that the competition is getting harder (Really? Does it ever get any easier?) and admits that if one of her friends in the house goes home she will feel badly for them, but at the end of the day she'll be glad to still be there.
Prom Queen Nijah's reliving all the harsh critiques she's received (Ty-Ty saying she's "dead in the eyes" and Porizkunty saying she looked like a "beautiful corpse") and insists that she's not boring. She said some other stuff, too, but I fell asleep while she was droning on...
...looks like I ain't the only one...
Yay for Audiovisual Ambien™! Meanwhile, Homegirl Tahlia's sitting on her bed and complaining that the panel's judgments of her have made her "upset". Hearing this, AmINuts asserts a big-sisterly role (or maybe was hoping to stave off a bitch-and-whine-and-wah-wah-wah session) by telling Homegirl, "Don't check yourself out until Tyra checks you out."
Too late, Nutsy, cuz Homegirl's going to get in her wah-wahs during interview, whining that she doesn't have the experience or knowledge or education in being a model like so many of the other girls do. "Being told that I don't have confidence is hard to hear, especially when I had so much confidence coming into this competition." I think Homegirl's finally realizing that her burn-victim backstory has taken her as far as it can, and now they're expecting her to, you know, actually do some modelling. Nutsy's telling her all she needs to do is have fun and look good and be interesting... and if she can't do that, then she deserves to go home. Word to ya mutha, Nuts!
Tyra-Mail #1! Rich-Bitch reads off: "Mind your P's and Q's. And J." Everybody guesses that means they're going to have "runway class" with Miss J. I was hoping this meant they'd all be getting drunk at a pub somewhere (which is one of the theories behind the origin of that phrase... well, The More You Know...) but sadly, I think the girls have this one right...
...although this would have been so much more fun to watch...
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Comments (19)
In the "ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ..." photo, is it me, or does Celia's head look WAAAYYYY too small for her body?
1 of 19 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 23, 2009 10:51 AM
And Ann Shoket's nose is WAAAYYY too big for her face...
2 of 19 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 23, 2009 10:58 AM
I'm sorry...one more thing: could someone please explain to me what exactly was fashionable about the crap hair, make-up, and clothing scraps the girls are wearing for the photo shoot?
3 of 19 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 23, 2009 11:14 AM
Anime Eyes really isn't living up to her hype. She hasn't really been creepy since the interview part before the finalists were chosen. She was actually sweet and naive in this episode. Weird. She is still my favorite though.
Great recap, J-Mo. Funny as always!
4 of 19 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 23, 2009 11:46 AM
I LOVE Tyranna-Sore-Ass! Such an apt description.
Also, I am so glad I didn't see the Tampax commercial, since I may have thrown something large and heavy at my TV.
5 of 19 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on March 23, 2009 12:04 PM
Well, I became kind of entranced by Fo Ho (and the jiggle in her step)during the runway segment. She's at the top of my list right now.
I'm carrying this secret hate-to-love her thing for the Jesus Freak... although somehow I get the feeling she'll be going home on the swimsuit shoot.
Thanks for the poop joke J-Mo! Who doesn't love a good poop joke?
6 of 19 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 23, 2009 12:18 PM
Great recap! But you referenced pulling a Tonya Harding and hitting someone in the knee so you do realize now that Tonya has declared war on you and will start screaming to everyone that she has PAID her debt to society and why can't she just be left alone.
7 of 19 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on March 23, 2009 1:12 PM
Oh J-Mo! I want those laser eyes that you gave to anime. Oh the fun I would have!! Bwahahahaha.
"...smells like coochie sweat and ass..." I almost wet myself when I read that. And then I almost threw up. But in a totally good way. :P My four year old actually came running into the room to ask if I was ok. I guess he thought I was choking or something.
Thanks for another great recap!
SWAK, PottyMouth
8 of 19 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on March 23, 2009 2:15 PM
I agree, Natalie is a bitch. But you know Proactiv doesn't clear up beauty marks, right?
9 of 19 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on March 23, 2009 4:20 PM
omg first of all, thanks again for the great recap, especially your line
"SoHo, which Gay-Jay says is his favorite area to shop. He neglects to specify whether it's for clothes or dick..."
i just love that line.. lol anyway.
yeah, ann shoket's nose is a tiny bit smaller than last the last season, did anyone else notice it? seriously watch last cycle and this cycle and you will see it is not soo dominant.
as for jill stuart, omg she must have paid tyra for the segment, seriously, when they were showing the street and stuff, they quickly did a 3 second grab of a Jill Stuart billboard, sorta to say... yeah we are legit we are big!
but all that aside, i love love love the music mix on the cat walk, and i had to download it on amazon, cuz it made me wanted to be a "HOT CHICK, that you just cant get enough" right.. ok sigh, breathe...
BUT OMG did u guys/girls hear TY TY has pulled the BIG Queen O (he will hit you again)...and going to africa but no she aint opening a school... Ty Ty is doing AFRICA's NTM, and the prize is a 6 months contract with LOUIS VUITTON! Hell2theNO
wow...beats walmart and cover girl...
MY life as a LV model = AWESOME... my life on Walmarts website = LAME.
anyway, LOVE YA J-MO... more than all the chocolates ill be getting for easter :) thank god for my size 28 hips
10 of 19 | Posted by loopygorilla | Posted on March 23, 2009 7:10 PM
one more thing,
i really like me maw... in a kate moss sorta way, she is not a natural beauty but she really wants it soo bad and she tries harder than the others cuz her outfits at panel are pretty good.
as for Queenie, this episode, she smiled alot and i mean alot! i counted about 4 smiles... which is alot for her.
homegirl tahlia, just needs to STFU, wah wah confidence wah wah... that was the most horrible group shot, it did not look modelesque at all.
and anime eyes, i dunnno, she is abit ordinary... someone on here who knows photoshop, you give her normal size eyes and we will see if she is still
"special"
i dont have any more views on the others, cuz they are abit bleh...
and the only reason why rich bich won that challenge was cuz Jill (i was a designer at 16 so such it Kira Plastinina because you have gone BUST, sayonara, arrivadechi) Stuart.
JS was like "OMG I LOVE HER" and thats when Ms J, who was in Australia for fashion week! hayyyy.....
did the Oh no you didn't! look...
anyway, i cant wait to see rich bitch go, and i want queenie to stay for drama and backstabing! bring it bitch and stop smiling so much.
11 of 19 | Posted by loopygorilla | Posted on March 23, 2009 7:20 PM
I loved it best when Paulina was talking about Anime Eyes
"It's not every day you see someone that freakish... I mean in a good way."
Love it! She really said it out loud, she's awesome. Not as awesome as you though, excellent recap as always, J-Mo.
12 of 19 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on March 23, 2009 8:45 PM
I think Mee Maw is on the show because she works at Bergdorf Goodman. They went there for their makeovers. Coincidence? Or Connection? Discuss.
I think she looks cross-eyed and she'll eventually be eliminated with the obligatory "You look old in your photos". They knew that when they chose her.
Regarding Anime Eyes, anyone else notice how they are HIDING her big eyes with her bangs AND making them smaller and less "special" with all the under-eye eyeliner? She doesn't look so scary anymore and she did seem really sweet in this episode.
13 of 19 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on March 23, 2009 8:47 PM
Darling, I love the munchkin riot!! At a whopping 5'2", I can vouch that us shorties are little meanies : ) I wonder what happened to make Queenie shut her mouth this week? Anyway, I'm still liking AmINuts. But when I like somebody on one of these shows it's usually the kiss of death for them. Sigh!!
J'adore,
Yenta
14 of 19 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on March 24, 2009 9:57 AM
J-Mo,
loved the girrl did you have taco bell for lunch? screenshot.
I think now that Queenie is no longer a GO-DESS of the bottom two we can look forward to her natural personality shining through. Translation, Rich-Bitch isn't going to get to be the La C of the season without a fight.
I loved the fact this episode boiled down to a bunch of people panicking, over the ability to walk in a straight line, and without having to do it late at night while a highway patrolman stood by their car waiting to administer a breathalyzer test.
I also love the fact that Miss Jay keeps wearing his hair in a Moe Howard for the eliminations. If the could just get him to start poking Gay Jay in the eyes while Paulina runs around in a circle on the ground going Whoop, Whoop, Whoop, Whoop, Whoop! this show would finally get the straight male audience it so richly deserves.
Love your recaps J-Mo, keep them coming.
15 of 19 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on March 25, 2009 5:53 AM
LOL, you guys are killing me here...
cattyfan... I think MeeMaw's head looks less human than the rest of her body, but not nearly as big as Ann Schnozket's rhino-horn, LOL! I agree with you, them cloes was fug. xoxo :)
Snootchy Bootches... You've hit the nail on the giant-googly-eyed head, I'm still waiting for Anime-Eyes to break out the crazay, I hope she will break out soon, too! xoxo :)
LAjane... Thank you, you're a sweetie, hope your monthly gift isn't super hard on you. xoxo :)
itchy... you're welcome, I've always thought that poo was the funniest substance known to humankind. xoxo :)
LisaMay... I'm still scared of Tonya Harding. xoxo :)
PottyMouth... I bet you can shoot lasers with your PottyMouth, right? Thanks, sugarpie! xoxo :)
alex_w... you are absolutely correct, ProActiv™ cannot remove beauty marks (it takes bleach and sandpaper to do that) but I was noticing several sweltering zits on Rich-Bitch's face in that screen shot. Thanks for keeping me on my toesies, though! xoxo :)
loopygorilla... OMG, Louis Vuitton contract! You're right, that beats the shit outta Wal-Mart & Cover Girl. And Jill Stuart must be on a blitz, because she was also on this week's episode of Real Housewives Of NYC! xoxo :)
kizarny... You're sweet, thanks, I can't believe I didn't quote Porizkunty on that one! xoxo :)
thatswhatshesaid... I've wondered about MeeMaw's appearance on this show, too, she's just so damned odd looking. I think you might be right about how she's gonna go, although tonight's episode she did something super-bitchy. I can't wait to recap it! xoxo :)
yentapatrol... LOL, thanks shorty (I mean that in the hip-hop sense) keep liking Queenie then! J'taime! xoxo :)
waffleboy09... Girrrl, I've missed you! Awesome connection with DUI field-testing! And besides having Sex God playing Curly, I think this show would get more of a hetero audience if the girls had some boobs!
Thanks you guys, I'm so glad that we're moving along on much of the same page here! New recap is on the way!
love, J-Mo :)
16 of 19 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on March 25, 2009 9:39 PM
Is it just me, or does Homegirl look like Niki Taylor in the "spit take" video on the bus? I'm liking her, but she needs to be a little tougher and to shape up the ol' bod.
Queenie still impresses me, and some of the others are starting to grow on me. Rich Bitch and Scary Eyes are fading fast. And I'm sorry, but Meemaw is just fug.
17 of 19 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 25, 2009 9:58 PM
ARGH.
I don't know if anyone has noticed this but RichBitch looks almost exactly like that autistic girl that came onto the show a couple of seasons ago.
Was her name Heather? Feather? I don't honestly care.
18 of 19 | Posted by Saueya | Posted on March 29, 2009 2:41 AM
Just got back from Vacay, and wanted to send you the love, J-mo. I missed the epi this week, so I can't wait to read the recap!!!
On the comments, I agree, Meemaw is just plain, and kinda homely, but I like her, and I think she's there coz she's super articulate!
Also, really getting fond of AmInuts, she's got some great zingers! And I love Ann Shoket for keeping a natural nose in this industry!!! I think it's endearing, and I kinda like a big honker! (even if she did shave it down a tad)
19 of 19 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 30, 2009 1:42 PM