Hello all you closet voguers out there (and you know you do when you're driving and Madge comes on the radio with one of her bestest songs evah!) are you ready for me? I hope so, 'cuz I'm on a huge high from the drag pageant that I was at this past weekend (more on this later) and I'm feeling sas-say as a motherfucker! You know who else is feeling rather brazen and feisty tonight (like she was just awarded a crown of her own?)...
...Sandra, Empress Of Delusiana...
Yes, tonight our little Queenie makes her triumphant return to us in all of her bitchy glory, and after last week's total snoozefest I'm ready for her to bring some of her special brand of hallucinatory grandeur to the forefront! Also on tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model (the Paris Is Burning Edition™) a bunch of gays will get together and judge the models (I wasn't invited) Homegirl whines some more and MeeMaw makes a shocking transition from sweet to sow-ahhh! Don't just stand there, let's get to it, strike a pose, there's nothin' to it (except where our poor hapless models are concerned) and jump!
Back at Mother Hubbard's Cupboard, the JumboTron in the Runway Room now has Queenie's picture on it (minus MeeMaw, natch!) with the comments "Bam!" and "Attitude" and "Steals The Picture" printed on it. Queenie approves and as she saunters into the room to get a closer look she murmurs "Wow, I look sooo hot!"...
...The Return Of The Hawtness™...
You will note, she is alone in the room, none of the other girls are down there with her or congratulating her. Queenie doesn't care, though, "I finally feel like I redeemed myself with that bum ass picture..." [Okay, so she meant "bomb ass picture" but it came out sounding like "bum ass" which is far closer to the truth.] "That picture is hot! Just to, like, have the best picture shows I'm better than all the other girls, and now I'm sure they feel it, you know?"
While she's downstairs admiring herself and no doubt imagining how awesome her pictures are going to look on the future currency of Delusiana, the girls upstairs are definitely feeling something. "Did you see her picture downstairs?" asks Homegirl incredulously. Fo Ho says it wasn't that great and AmINuts agrees. Through gritted teeth Fo Ho seethes "I just want Sandra to go home!"
Meanwhile, Homegirl's so happy she got some positive feedback from the judging panel for a change, saying that it's helped her confidence a lot, and even though she's still really homesick, she really wants to be there because she knows she can do this! Remember this, because it's going to be a central theme in future drama.
The girls are sitting around being hungry when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. Who ever could be calling on them? Somebody didn't blaspheme and order a pizza, did they? That poor Domino's guy would get torn to shreds in the mad hungry rush! Nope, it's Toccara the Token Plus-Sized Model™ from Cycle 3! We flash back to her first appearance before Tyra & Co., sassily saying "I'm Toccara, and I'm big *snap* black *snap* beautiful *snap* and lovin' it! *head roll*" What a character! All she was missing was the Z-formation...
..."Heyyyyyted it!"...
The girls are all super-impressed, even Rich-Bitch, who says Toccara is "every girl's inspiration". Yes, cuz she gets to eat once in a while. And keep it down. And she has breasts the size of basketballs. Anyhow, after introducing herself as "Toccara The Fabulous F.A.B.O." girlfriend tells the ladies that she's bought them all clothes from her product-placed favorite designer Mira Kelis! Oooh, I think I know who that is, even! Didn't she do that delicious song about milkshakes?
MeeMaw's just loving the little sleepwear outfits that Titsccara has bestowed upon them, she says they're really comfortable, and thinks it was a really "sweet gesture". I'm not sure what all the fuss is about, they pretty much look like overlong t-shirts and tank-tops...
...plus, you still have to hike that shit up in order to go pee...
They're going to have a slumber party! Minus the awesome junk food you'd normally get at a slumber party. After everyone's dressed in their sexy little sleepwear ensembles, Titsccara clues them in that Tyra has sent her there to talk to the girls about personality, "Which I have a lot of!" she trumpets. She's definitely not short on balls (or boobs), either!
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Comments (28)
Great recap!
Thanks for sharing the clip!!! I have been very curious to see how you guys perform. With absolutely no disrespect intended to Miss Ebonae, you guys really made that performance. That looked really awesome! And congratulations to her!
1 of 28 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 30, 2009 4:35 AM
Darling J-Mo,
I loved the recap. But I am totally blown away by the video!!! Ms. Ebonae is totally awesome. I can't believe your group kept it together that well with the sound issues. Talk about being well rehearsed. OMG she totally blew away any of the contestants on Ru Paul's drag race. And you, darling, are awesome out there!!!
Luv, luv, loved it!!
Hugs,
Yenta
2 of 28 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on March 30, 2009 5:26 AM
I have been so looking forward to getting back to work this week so I can read this recap. Okay, let's take a look at MeeMaw here..... she has probably seen all previous 11 cycles, she had to have known that Tyra looks at the footage of whats going on in the house.....right? I mean, what about that episode each cycle where she has a sit down with each girl and she brings up subjects that have gone on in the house. That proves she looks at the footage, probably daily. And MeeMaw is too smart not to have known this. Somethings going on here. I don't think MeeMaw is going to get cut.... I think maybe this is the cycle for the oldest one to win it all.
Oh yeah, and Rich Bitch's picture was NOT GOOD!
3 of 28 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on March 30, 2009 7:08 AM
That clip was amazing! Thank you for adding it. It was great by itself but crossed over into awesome when the music started cutting out.
I was waiting for your recap to go up because, truth be told, I bailed as soon as Meemaw opened her mouth. I have no stomach for cringe moments and, really, HOW RUDE! I can't wait for next week, the fallout is going to be delicious.
4 of 28 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on March 30, 2009 7:32 AM
Oh J-Mo..line of the week from you again
"On the other hand, the girl is only 18, she's got serious body-image issues and she just got her ass (verbally) plowed on stage by 437 gay men all at once. For me, this would be a dream evening, but for her, not so much." i LOL so much.
ok, onto ANTM matter :) homegirls just needs to STFU already. but i like to hate some1 in this comp, so let her stay.
cuz i wanna hear her courageous one liners, etc and yeah we need some shit to talk about.
as for Queenie, welcome back delusional girl. LUV LUV LUV you.
as for benny being the husband? hahaha i had a cackle.
as for mew maw! oh i luv this woman! she had the balls and guts and conviction to do what she said she would do, whereas the other girls in that group of "tahlia is a fucking annoying fat bitch" didnt.
so goooo MEMAw.
anyway thanks J-MO, love your work
5 of 28 | Posted by loopygorilla | Posted on March 30, 2009 8:21 AM
Loved your recap! Especially the "Saftey Dance" comment...omg...totally dating myself here!...LOL...
But yes i was in complete shock when fugly Meemaw and her fugly eyebrows (does she really have any?) made that speech at panel...my jaw literally dropped and was thinkin "oh no she didn't!!!"...but totally lookin forward to next episode! That cavegirl gonna get some back me thinks!!!
And last but not least, Love love the video...you're pretty spry for a white guy J-Mo!!!...LOL and i mean that with love...
Keep up the good work!
Twnny
6 of 28 | Posted by twnpeeks | Posted on March 30, 2009 10:59 AM
Who knew that Gary Coleman was so much older than we ever suspected? Or that his mom was a white MILF?
Seriously, Meemaw, Homegirl GETS CALLED FIRST and you're going to try to get her bounced? Getting called first will change your attitude in a hurry. Maybe if she'd been in the BOTTOM two, MAYBE you could open your mouth then. For all her advanced age, you'd think Meemaw would have a little more common sense.
7 of 28 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on March 30, 2009 11:35 AM
I have to take notes while I read your recaps J-Mo because you inspire me so much:
1. Anime-eyes totally rocks the wasted rocker model girlfriend chick look.
2. I was actually starting to like MeeMaw (for her positivity) this episode...then suddenly...bam, she blows up into stupid snitch bitch. Well played editors!
3. I am of the opinion that Jesus Freak's 'street preacher' bit was just an act to get her noticed enough and on the show. She just seems a bit too worldly wise to me. Besides, she's cute, I'd hate to see all that cuteness wasted on some bullshit purity pledge.
4. Great video -- I'm really impressed how you all kept it together during the snafu and didn't let your gal down. The audience was great about it too.
5. We (the six heterosexual guys watching this show) need more Fo Ho face time (and a few more Fo-Tos) -- she's the prettiest of them all. Nice body too.
6. Nice of them to let Homegirl win --but I think they did that just to set up MeeMaw (since they knew she was planning to say something). I mean, I really can't see all that much difference between her photo and any of the others. Anyway, now that Homegirl won one, they'll be sending her home.
7. Queenie has that great mixture of hateful arrogance and bimboish vapidness.
8 of 28 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 30, 2009 12:22 PM
Wow! Nice moves you got there, J-Mo.
9 of 28 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on March 30, 2009 1:02 PM
As much as a dumb ass move it was, I get why MeeMaw did it. I mean, here is this person who wants to be here going home when a person that doesn't is staying. It wouldn't be right if whassername went home and then the next day, homegirl had another self pity party and quit. I think it took balls to do what she did because lots of people say they are going to do that, but don't. Not that it makes it any more stupid in the land where Tyra is the Tyra-nt.
10 of 28 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 30, 2009 1:09 PM
to Snootchy Bootches: yes, but MeeMaw knows that Tyra looks at the footage so she knew that if Tyra didn't like what Homegirl said in the house, she would have sent her home.
Unless......Maybe MeeMaw wanted to take on Tyra and tell her what to do.......
11 of 28 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on March 30, 2009 2:08 PM
Awesome video!
12 of 28 | Posted by Y3KPhenom | Posted on March 30, 2009 2:49 PM
Great recap and thanks for adding the video! Awesome! Better than the episode!
The problem with Ty Ty picking personality over pretty is that you end up with a bunch of jumped-up bitches w/ ego problems and very little skill. Ugh.
I guess my faves at the moment are Jesus Freak (when she's in heavy, heavy makeup) and Anime Eyes (b/c she looks like Captain Jack Sparrow stumbled into a drag show and got attacked by a Barbie-loving queen. And how can you not like Captain Jack Sparrow, even in drag?)
13 of 28 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 30, 2009 3:07 PM
I don't think Tyra acts like she sees the footage (though I am sure she does). If you look at past seasons when there have been people doing one thing in panel and another in the house, they get away with it unless someone rats them out. Jade? They yelled at her for being arrogant in panel but never for being an ass in the house. The african girl from a couple seasons ago? The major bitch that put her underwear on Melrose's bed? That was pretty nasty and yet it never came up in panel.
14 of 28 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 30, 2009 3:15 PM
I sucked it up and watched the end. My grandmother always said that if you were trying to get someone *out* of trouble it was just "telling", if you were trying to get someone *into* trouble, then it was tattling. I didn't really get the impression that it was about saving Portlie so much as narcing out Homegirl. So, she's Tattletale to me now, although my grandmother was British and would have called her Telltale Tit.
15 of 28 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on March 30, 2009 4:27 PM
"He Who Vogues Behind the Rows..."
I just wet my pants laughing.
16 of 28 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on March 30, 2009 4:32 PM
J-Mo, I can't watch anything with Tyra, she makes my teeth hurt, but I j'adore your recaps. Wow. Wow. Two snaps up Wow on the video. Who's your choreographer? Excellent performance and kudos to everyone for keeping it together during the snafu. Hope you take the show on the road, you guys are Club One headliners.
Mwah, shanti
17 of 28 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on March 30, 2009 8:47 PM
Snootchy, no matter what, they are going to choose the dramatic girls over the talented girls... :-), thus Fatima stays (African girl from the season Whitney won), Monique didn't take a picture during the ep that she wiped her undies on Melrose's bed (although Melrose deserved it for slamming her into the door of the telephone room). As far as Jade, she was nuts and old and ugly... she had a shtick that kept her in the house to the end. She terrorized that Asian girl for weeks, then did the whole "thank you for believing in me" BS.
18 of 28 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on March 30, 2009 9:18 PM
J-Mo - great recap!
Your pic of Homegirl and Anime remided me of a childhood ditty: "Apple core, Baltimore, Who's your friend, HOMEGIRL" and the person with the apple core whips it at the subject. It would have been fun to see Homegirl get Mackintosh-ed!
Lurved the "19th Century MILF"! Laughed my ass off.
Croatioa Magnum looks like she's not just striking a pose, but airing out the beaver!
If MeeMaw thinks photo shoots are not her stongest point, what the fuck is she doing trying to be a spokes-model? Isn't that ALL about photo shoots?
At the judges' table (oops, guess I must be hungry) doesn't Queenie look like she smells cat shit?
Great job on the dancing at the pageant - you guys sure wowed the crowd by keeping going even though the music stopped. Wonderful!
Lots O' Love
19 of 28 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on March 30, 2009 9:18 PM
OMG what a fugly, fugly beyotch! I used to feel kind of sorry for Meemaw cuz she was so old and ugly but, wow...dumb and bitchy, too!
I thought the best immigrant photos were Jesus Freak, Homegirl, and Teyomboy.
And what did that Benny Ninja pose-off really have to do with anything, except havin' fun? Benny was pretty horrible at posing for the camera. (He did the same ghetto girl pose in most of the pics.)
20 of 28 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 30, 2009 9:39 PM
slutty_whore, ah yes, who can forget Jade? That girl was whacked.
21 of 28 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on March 31, 2009 6:08 AM
Another great episode amd of course another great recap. To begin with hats off to the ANTM producers for bringing in Benny Ninja for their photo tribute to early green card marriages in America. It was great the producers used this time to pay tribute to a forgotten part of our nation's history.
I think Meemaw's getting a little roughed up here. Yes her little speech was one of the classic bits of bitchassedness seen on TV in a long long time (translation at least the last two weeks). but were we really expecting long term rational thought from a woman with a skull narrow enough to fit through a keyhole? I think that was just setting ourselfs up for disappointment. Man that chick's got a tiny melon. Seriously, usually you have to pay to get into a tent at the county fair to see a noggin that small. Wait, what was I talking about again?
Anyway another great episode and next week's looks even better. Can't hardly wait.
PS Awesome routine J-Mo, you and your friends did good!
22 of 28 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on March 31, 2009 7:37 AM
J-Mo, great recap as always! You can DANCE boy! I am impressed. Thanks for sharing the video with all of us. More please.
I loved the Oliver! reference - I'm always thinking of that song. Or maybe it's always food I'm thinking of. Ok, maybe not thinking so much as stuffing my face with. :)
Edible nail polish is a fabulous idea. Let's create it and make millions and millions of dollars! Who's with me?
Can't wait to see what happens this week - drama, drama, drama (hopefully)!
SWAK, PottyMouth
23 of 28 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on March 31, 2009 8:15 AM
J-mo, Darling, grrrrl you can move!!!! And you're lookin' so studly as you do!!! Thanks so much and always for sharing those with us!!!
Fantastic recap, as always, this week I missed the show, but after this, I feel I missed nothing!
I did like Homegirls shot the best, she looked from the era. I was confused as to whether they were supposed to be fierce, or whether they were supposed to blend in, or both!?
London seems to get prettier to me, and I agree itchy, Fo is very purty too--still can't see the winner here . . . is it me!?
Glad Queenie's back, can't wait to see epi this week.
XOXOXOX, and congrats to miss ebonae!!
24 of 28 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 31, 2009 1:30 PM
So, before I read onwards, I was reminded of the photo shoot and how the girls immediately guessed birds.
BIRDS?! Seriously? My first thought was immigrants. Maybe bird migratory patterns have become important in American schools...
25 of 28 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on March 31, 2009 2:13 PM
Heyyy, guys, I am SO sorry about the delay in responding to the comments, I have had some personal drama that has been keeping me from it.
First of all, THANK YOU guys for all the kind compliments on the dance video (esp. Snootchy Bootches, yentapatrol, kizarny, twnpeeks, itchy, LAjane, Y3KPhenom, jennaboa, shantigal, arizonatom, waffleboy09, PottyMouth and juddfan), I told Ebonae about it and she is just thrilled to death, and is loving the fact that the hits on her video have now exceeded 500.
LisaMay... IMHO I don't think MeeMaw's going to win this whole thing, she's too angular and strange-looking, and I think she's put herself on Tyra's radar for a bad reason, but you could be right, I'll happily eat my words (with ranch dressing on top) if she does! xoxo :)
kizarny... my BF and I have been laughing at "Telltale Tit" ever since you posted it, ROFL! xoxo :)
loopygorilla... glad you enjoyed it, I'm always happy to make others happy! xoxo :)
twnpeeks... I used to listen to Men Without Hats a lot when I was about 13 or so, and everybody could DO the Safety Dance, it wasn't all hard and complicated like that Soulja Boy shit! xoxo :)
xqzmoi... I heartily agree, I think it was super-ill-advised of her to go after the best photo girl, MeeMaw must be going senile! xoxo :)
itchy... the same thought about Jesus-Freak crossed my mind since she's made, oh, ZERO mentions of her Lord And Savior since she's been in the house. I agree, I think it was just a made-up backstory to get on the show. She's prolly a Buddhist! xoxo :)
Snootchy Bootches... I have to grudgingly agree with you, MeeMaw DID follow through with what she said she was going to do... I still think it was an incredibly stupid thing to do, but you're right, she kept to her word! xoxo :)
jennaboa... LOL @ Captain Jack Sparrow in drag! xoxo :)
VegasDarling... Awww, how sweet of you to say, here's some tissues... xoxo :)
slutty_whore... wow, you certainly have encyclopedic knowledge of this show... please be sure to correct me if I get stuff wrong, K? xoxo :)
arizonatom... LOL @ Queenie smelling catshit! xoxo :)
pixielated... OMG, you are so RIGHT! Benny was looking like a corner 'ho in ALL those photos! Good catch! xoxo :)
waffleboy09... OMG, you kill me with "usually you have to pay to get into a tent at the county fair to see a noggin that small"! xoxo :)
PottyMouth... yes, let's make flavors of nail polish like Cherry-Mango Yum-Yum™ and Bananas Foster Surprise™ and Tic-Tac Pie™! xoxo :)
juddfan... I think they were supposed to be fiercely in the background...? xoxo :)
georgiababe... we thought alike on that one, I was also like "Birds? DUMBASSES!" xoxo :)
Okay, I'm working on the new recap as we speak, watch for it in a couple of days!
love, J-Mo :)
26 of 28 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on April 3, 2009 12:37 AM
Oh hell naw, Mee Maw!! I want her gone so bad..like next week bad.
Ke-yute! choreography J-Mo! I actually liked the background dancers better than Miss Ebonae. And I never liked this particular Mary J song until now. Great job.
27 of 28 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:00 AM
Btw, that's awesome how Miss Gay Phoenix kept going with her routine even though the music stopped. How did ya'll keep count with no music?
And loved how the crowd just filled in for Mary J. lol Whoo!
28 of 28 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on April 9, 2009 1:03 AM