Welcome once again fellow fashion fans! Thank you for your patience while I was off having a fabulous time dancing and sweating in the sudden 100-degree heat-wave that hit Phoenix this past weekend... but on the plus side, some guy came up and told my drag-queen friend that his favorite dancer out of the six of us was "the big fat white one", so it's good to know that us fatties still have some fans out there...

...whereas Tyra only likes fat things that she can grab hold of and make noise with...
...but alas, on tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model there was no chubby-chasin' love to be found, and in fact, not even Jesus could save His most devoted disciple from the beat-down that was administered by a certain plastic-faced pixie-pop with purplish hair. I think in honor of tonight's ode to the American obsession with ass-size I will split a Sara Lee poundcake with my boyfriend (and then hit him over the head and polish off his half, too, before he regains consciousness). If you can hoist it, let's jump (maybe we'll break something)!
We start off with Anime-Eyes whining to MeeMaw that she doesn't understand how she winds up looking the same in all of her pictures, "It's very difficult for me to sort of distort my face to make it look so different because I have some features that are really distinct." Really? We hadn't noticed, Squinty. MeeMaw tries to be helpful, telling her, "Your eyes are already so expressive... like, all you have to do is like move your muscles, you know?" Wow, that's some good advice, MeeMaw! Maybe next you can tell her how she can breathe better by inhaling and exhaling! Then MeeMaw sails on over into TMI-Landâ„¢ when she says "For me, like, I literally have to, like, think of sex to get, like, a good picture."...
...the only muscles Anime's moving now are the abdominals used to suppress vomiting...
Ugh, me too. Meanwhile (contrary to her previous denials) Teyomboy's playing Alice from the Brady Bunch and sweeping up the bedroom floor while telling AmINuts "Yeah, that panel was a little nervousy for everybody, 'cuz ain't nobody get 'Oh, you did well.'..." and we flash back to the dismal Cover-Hurl commercials these boobs tried to make last week in which they all pretty much sucked microminerals.
Nutsy's insisting in confessional that "I really do believe that I have it... [meaning Top Modellyness, I guess] ... I just didn't show it when the time was needed." And therein lies the problem with all of them, I guess they're waiting for their engraved invitations to the dance before they bust out with their best moves.
Tyra-Mail #1! AmINuts reads, "A top model knows how to be direct." Teyomboy guesses "Direct! Play! Git it?"...
...I don't think Fo Ho does...
Teyomboy says she's crossing her fingers, toes and butt-cheeks (owie!) that this clue also somehow means they're going to get to go abroad somewhere. She must be thinking "direct flight" or something.
Later on MeeMaw's asking Jesus-Freak about her "street preaching" career and wanting to know how that works exactly. "Whenever I go and approach somebody I feel like it's the Holy Spirit that's in me, and Jesus speaks through me even though, they're like, my words." Hmmmm, that's pretty convenient, I think I'll use that excuse the next time I go off on a hapless Burger King employee for not getting my order right (i.e. "Jesus already told you I wanted my onion rings to be King-sized, you godless heathen!")
Jesus-Freak goes on to say that while she's been in the House of Hell she's really tried to keep her relationship with God at "110%" by having confidence in Him and not doubting Him because she knows "He's the reason that I'm here!"...
..."No, I'm not crazy, the Holy Spirit told Tyra to cast me!"...
Perhaps she should have prayed harder for Jesus to crank her metabolism up to 110% instead. Anyhow, the next morning the girls are up and off to some unnamed studio to meet up with Gay-Jay for their day's challenge, and he's explaining to them that his job as "creative director" on the photo shoots involves "everything that falls under the creative umbrella" including hair, makeup, lighting, styling and subtly sabotaging those that Tyra has no use for.
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Comments (24)
Last week Ty-Ty called out AnimeEyes for wearing the same thing to panel...but doesn't Tyra The Fashion Icon (who certainly has a much larger budget) wear the same things all the time? Like her Librarian get-up shown in the maracas still you used on page one of this recap? And someone else pointed out Queenie wore the same hot pants with suspenders all the time, too.
The "judging" is so arbitrary and biased...
1 of 24 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 24, 2009 10:45 AM
And by the way, London's waist is the same diameter as Tyra's thigh. The girl IS NOT fat.
I don't understand why AmINuts and her train wreck of a photo stayed while London got the boot.
Not. Fair.
2 of 24 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 24, 2009 11:11 AM
This made me so angry. London should not have gone home!
3 of 24 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on April 24, 2009 11:13 AM
one last thing: LOLmodelz...BRILLIANT!!!!!
May we have one every week? :)
4 of 24 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 24, 2009 11:18 AM
I read somewhere that Jesus Freak came to America's Next Top Model after being in therapy recovering from two eating disorders. Which is why her body was so skinny in the beginning -- it was still in starvation mode.
Give the poor thing a house with nothing to do apparently but eat and bitch, and woah, Freshmen Fifteen.
I feel for London the Jesus Freak, I really do, but, you have got to have a thick skin in the modeling industry, where the ugliest people in the world (fashion and makeup people who can't be models) get to tell the skinniest girls in the world that they are heifers. Yeah, right.
London, girl, stick to being a Youth Pastor, okay? A recovering anorexic/bulimic doesn't need to tempt fate by being a model anymore than a recovering model should get a job as a wine taster.
I know she thinks the good Lord put her on this show. That's cool. The light of the Spirit shining in her eyes seemed earnest. Or insane. Eating fifteen pounds worth of carrot sticks might do that to a girl.
But, you know, when Jesus says to avoid temptation, He's not exactly asking, say, an alcoholic to stand in the aisles of the nearest liquor store and call upon the Power of God to save him from the evils of the fermented kind.
This is rather like that. Eating disorders have some roots in low self-esteem. Sticking London into a house full of abnormally skinny (& bitchy) girls, while she still on some level thinks she is fat is a meltdown waiting to happen.
And then to have the judges talk about it? I hope she is strong b/c she could be heading back to rehab any day now. (I wonder if that is where she, er, found God? Because, you know, he likes to hide in the strangest places.)
Anyhoo, good luck to you JF. Personally I thought you got a raw deal as there were definitely contradictory things being told to her. Also, thank you for not airing your personal business on the show until after you were kicked off. That's sort of refreshing, given Hokey Gokey on American Idol right now.
5 of 24 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 24, 2009 11:19 AM
J-Mo you are the best! Best recapper EVER!!
Would someone please look closely at MeeMaws photoshoot photo, it looks like something is hanging out of her bikini bottoms.
What I have learned from this episode--- MeeMaw ain't no Seventeen magazine model. Perhaps Teyomboy knew this and thats why she picked her...
Everyweek AmINuts voice just gets more and more on my nerves. I don't remember it sounding all mush mouth like this in the beginning.
MeeMaw knew what she was doing and was TRYING to upset London with all her "you can't hide anything on this photo shoot" talk while they were getting ready.
6 of 24 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on April 24, 2009 12:25 PM
seriously J-Mo, you should get paid for these recaps..... do you get paid? I don't know, maybe you do.
7 of 24 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on April 24, 2009 12:46 PM
I didn't realize London is recovering from eating disorders...but that just makes this show even more hypocritical. Tyra and Company claim to be so concerned about the health of the contestants, but I don't see them actively addressing the binge and purge (or just purge) lifestyle to which most of these girls adhere.
Tyra is willing to "help" (exploit) the burn victim for the girl's self esteem (ratings,) but poor London and her body image issues are on her own.
8 of 24 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 24, 2009 1:31 PM
Does anyone else remember Ty-Ty's big speech about how when she was told she was gaining too much weight, she went home and celebrated her curves by eating a pizza?
9 of 24 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 24, 2009 1:33 PM
cattyfan, I thought the same thing. In fact, the whole episode I thought they would NOT send London home to send the message that a model can be "normal sized".
Oh Tyra, you hypocritical psycho.
10 of 24 | Posted by silver | Posted on April 24, 2009 4:07 PM
cattyfan: I'd totally forgotten about her saying that about her pizza binge. Ugh.
J-Mo: I forgot to mention above, dear, but you rock! Keep up the great recaps!
11 of 24 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on April 24, 2009 6:13 PM
They needed an excuse to get rid of London. This was as good as any. Jay said her weight gain was "unprofessional". So it's part of your JOB to be anorexic/bullemic if you're a model. I'm so glad maintaining a skeletal frame isn't a part of MY job.
Did anyone else notice when Mee Maw was gushing about what a HUGE Ciara fan she is, she pronounced her name Cee-Are-Ruh, instead of Cee-Air-Ruh. Some huge fan, can't even pronounce her name right.
12 of 24 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on April 24, 2009 8:35 PM
TWSS, I think MeeMaw was thinking of that perfume, Ciara (pron. Cee-ARE-Ruh) that was popular in the '80s when she was in her prime.
I too loooove LOLModelz.
I didn't think that London looked fat in the Ciara shoot. Where I notice her extra weight is in her face, which is rounder and less defined. I thought Rich Bitch looked chunky in the Ciara shoot, as well as kind of looking like a man.
Mee Maw can't win because she is past her peak for Seventeen and Cover Girl (except that makeup Ellen advertises). Bitch can wear clothes, though, and her face is striking for runway work. She needs to do something different with her hair. And talk about one look!--Mee Maw always gives the same face in her pics (the decent ones, anyway).
With Cover Girl and Seventeen (especially the latter) as sponsors, they will have to go with Fo, Teyomboy, or Anime Eyes, IMO. And the young girls are nutz about Anime Eyes. That's their idea of pretty.
I'm not sure I want to see what's hanging out of Mee Maw's swimsuit.
13 of 24 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 24, 2009 10:18 PM
Ewwww, I just looked at MeeMaw's Ciara pic again.*shudder*
I think Teyomboy HAD to pick Mee Maw for the Seventeen pics. And it seemed especially nice because they hadn't been getting along.
I was surprised that Aminuts carried off the Seventeen photo pretty well.
As I've said before, I doubt that Tyra's panel is any more arbitrary and biased than what working models deal with every day. And, though I think Nigel overreacted and looked kind of silly, models do have to be appropriate and watch what they say.
14 of 24 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on April 24, 2009 10:30 PM
Agree with everything that's been said about London.
When I first saw her, I thought she would hate her, because I despise people who try to convert others. I would never push my faith on anyone and I don't like those who do - they give the rest of us a bad name.
However, I ended up really liking her and I feel like she got the raw end of the stick.
Agree with jennaboa about her confidence though - she clearly isn't secure in herself and if she were to become a model, I'm certain that it would get worse.
15 of 24 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on April 24, 2009 10:47 PM
The lesson here is that Tyra doesn't like God or fat people.
16 of 24 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on April 25, 2009 8:09 AM
Thanks for the recap!
One thing though: Teyona did ACTUALLY say "Direct... Flight... Get it?" instead of "direct play" when the girls got the Tyra Mail.
17 of 24 | Posted by mercurian | Posted on April 25, 2009 12:07 PM
cattyfan... LOL at the Jesus-Freakwaist/Tyrathigh comparison! I, too, noticed that Ty-Ty still looks pretty meaty in her "Guide To Owning Your Inner Randomness" picture. I don't recall hearing about her pizza orgy, but I could SO see her pulling something like that... like maybe just last night. Glad you liked my stab at LOLmodelz, I'll see if something lends itself to that this week! xoxo :)
alex_w... I totally agree with you, it was a shame to see JF go, I thought she was prettier (especially in the face) than most of the other girls left. :( xoxo :)
jennaboa... I also saw a link to the article about Jesus-Freak's previous bulimia/anorexia issues, and that is disheartening to know that she's already been through that and then had to suffer the overly nasty commentary by Porizkunty and Miss J (I truly hated him this week for that last comment he made at the Judges Panel, and besides, the girl can lose weight... he'll always be fugly). I also found it strange that they played up her sweet Jesusy goodness early on, and then never featured it again until this episode, so it's hard to tell if she's been yammering in tongues this entire time and they just edited it out, or if she's really kept the JC on the DL (like they made it look). And thanks for the kudos, you're so sweet! P.S. I'm totally with you on the annoying Gokey thing. xoxo :)
LisaMay... awww, shucks *blush* I 'preshate that! I love all my fellow recappers here on TVGasm, everybody's got their own flava, and I'm very happy if you've found a taste for mine! OMG, I didn't realize that it really does look like MeeMaw is ball-poppin'n'droppin' in her shot! Eh-HEW! I agree with you, I think she was messing with Jesus-Freak's mind on purpose when she made her little comments about how every molecule of cellulite would be glaringly obvious in that outfit. Love to you! xoxo :)
silver... You know, I didn't even think of the possibiliity that they might keep a normal-sized girl around, it would have been a heart-warming and positive message... unfortunately, we've all seen enough reality TV by now to know that whenever someone who's been largely absent for most of the cycle suddenly gets a lot of screen time, it usually means they're going home. And I hate that. xoxo :)
TWSS... If keeping myself at a size 25-inch waist were part of my job, I'd be the biggest fucking bitch in the universe (next to Tyra)! And LOL, you know, that completely sailed over my head about MeeMaw's pronunciation of "Ciara" (to rhyme with "tiara" instead of "tierra"). xoxo :)
pixielated... OMG, I totally forgot about the "Ciara" perfume... I bet today's Ciara wishes we would, too! (In fact, I found a horribly fascinating and lovably cheesy commercial for it on YouTube, just search "commercials 1986 16" and you'll find it, it's awful) xoxo :)
georgiababe... I followed the same arc with you about Jesus-Freak, I was prepared to have to skewer her for the street-preaching thing (I've always felt like religion is something that people already are aware of, and if they feel they need it, they'll find it... I have a hard time with someone coming at me and wanting me to embrace it at random... especially when I'm just out at the store to buy necessities, like milk or some ice cream or booze) but she didn't seem like she got as much airtime for the Savior as she might have liked. And now I'll miss her. Kinda. xoxo :)
Anonymous... Word. xoxo :)
mercurian... OMG, I'm so embarrassed, I went back and listened to it again, and you're totally right, she said "flight", but when I first started writing this recap it was about 2am, so perhaps I was too tired to decipher Teyomboy's Joisey accent properly. Thanks for keeping me on my toesies, though! xoxo :)
Thank you guys for the awesome commentary (as always) we're heading down towards the end, and I'm working on this week's episode now, I hope to have it finished soon. Thanks again for being so patient...
love, J-Mo :)
18 of 24 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on April 25, 2009 10:49 PM
Darling J-Mo,
Best Sunday morning ever; a quiet house; cafe mocha; J-Mo's recap!
Maybe it's just me, but I find MeeMaw's face to be consistently unattractive in her photos. It always looks like the same expression, as well, which I thought was supposed to be a mortal sin in Ty Ty world.
Someday I am so getting out to Phoenix to see you perform!!
Heart and hugs,
Yenta
19 of 24 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on April 26, 2009 5:16 AM
Missed you! Definitely worth the wait for the recap though.
I was so sorry to see JF go and I have no use for Meemaw anymore. I thought her Ciara picture looked like someone had pasted her face onto the shot afterward. She was jutting that jawline out to the side making it look like it was pasted on at the wrong angle as well.
I'm not sure who I'm rooting for at this point but I'll definitely keep watching. You know, for the recaps :D
20 of 24 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on April 26, 2009 10:15 AM
I was kind of disappointed they sent the Jesus Freak home too, because I'm not sure she'd gone through all seven of the deadly sins yet.
Although this episode, she definitely had 'Gluttony' covered. (Tee hee! )
And yeah, I read about her eating disorders too--makes total sense now that she's clinging desperately to the god fairy tale....Makes you wonder what trauma she suffered in her childhood. So I almost started feeling sorry for her, until she went off on her god rant. Then I just kind of sniggered. She seemed intelligent up until then. I hope she gets counseling for her troubles.
I feel kind of bad for MeeMaw too, because she obviously wants this very much and it's a shame she's 10 years late, since she at least seems to understand what a model is supposed to do.
Wish they'd give FoHo more screen time, I think she's the prettiest and seems to have the spunkiest attitude. Gotta love a cute gal with spunk, right?
Still think AnimeEyes is going to win this though.
21 of 24 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 26, 2009 2:07 PM
Yes, London is a normal girl, not fat at all, but it's not her job to be normal. It's her job to be model thin.
That said, I was a little irritated by Sex God this week. Put the ego away Nigel.
22 of 24 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on April 26, 2009 4:53 PM
Must have gotten caught up in work, imagine . . . but I thought I had posted here.
Great recap and comments, I didn't know that about JF, and I take back what I said--I'd rather she be all the way plump and healthy than deal with those disorders--tough stuff--Trya and co should have known and given her more time to work it out. She does seem more Spokesmodel to me, maybe she can sell some beauty products made with holy water.
*singe*
yes, I know I'm going to hell, but also wanted to say, the minute she started dropping the J word, I knew her time was up. Glad she found something to help her through though--good luck JF!
23 of 24 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on April 27, 2009 10:47 AM
As much as I would like to agree with everybody about JF, only 10% of people in America fit the 'model' standards. Why can't Americans just accept the facts that if we can't all be mathematical geniuses, we may also not be models.
We are born to do some things. JF doesn't need to be model thin because it looks like she can't handle it physically or mentally. I am sure that she can do something else.
24 of 24 | Posted by sowhat1234 | Posted on April 27, 2009 2:05 PM