W'sup girls'n'boys? Welcome back to Brazil, home of elite fashion designers, thick accents and zero labia hair, and I have some pressing questions for you all. Have you ever wondered what some of these girls would look like wearing a doily and some dental floss? Would you be interested in watching Sex-God Nigel Barker making obscene sexual pantomimes on a beach? Better still, wanna see how incredibly smokin' hot I'd be in a Speedo? How about this... I'll give you all three at once...

...boners for everyone!...
Yay for fat guys! And skeletons! Anyblub, on tonight's installment of America's Next Top Model it's time once again for the annual "go-sees" episode, which is always a hoot to watch these mental giants have to take on the extremely taxing assignment of getting in a cab, going to an address, and meeting with snooty designers to try on clothes and walk around in the hopes of being chosen to walk around wearing these clothes to annoying techno-music. You and I (and millions of desperate Americans these days) do this same kind of thing, except we call it "job hunting". More juicy tidbits to come after the jump...
I want to say right up front that I have been having a lovely time reading the extremely bitter exit interviews given by one Miss Natalie Pack, a.k.a. Rich-Bitch (or, as she'd like to be known: Not-Really-That-Rich-Or-Bitchy-It-Was-All-The-Fault-Of-Editing-And-Tyra-Is-Favoring-The-Black-Girls!) in which she claims to have really gotten along with everybody in the house. Well, that explains why AmINuts and Teyomboy both spit and make the Sign of the Evil-Eye whenever her name is mentioned...
...like Gums Giraud's dad is doing here...
...and Brazil appears to be overjoyed to see the ass-end of Rich-Bitch as well...
Post-elimination and back at the BrazilloPad, AmINuts is feeling relieved at once again having escaped elimination by the skin of her (slightly gapped) teeth, and Teyomboy's admitting she really didn't care for Rich-Bitch because she thought she was so much better than everybody else. "When she got sent home I was like, 'Good, that's what you needed, 'cuz you weren't that great!'" Yes, I can see how you all really got along famously, RB!
Not only are Nutsy and Teyomboy trash-talking our Fallen Diva and her Duchess-Downer complaining, but MeeMaw hops on this Hogpile of Hate as well, "It literally pains me to think that, like, you wouldn't appreciate this!" as she gestures towards the magnificent view of Sao Paulo laid out below them. You know what else pains her?...
...cranky bowels...
MeeMaw is suddenly proud of her advanced age, "I'm 25! I think I have so much more insight than any of these girls! Most of the girls who do this are ten years younger than me... but to know that I still have this potential at this age, I think, speaks very very loudly..." Note that she doesn't say it speaks well, just loudly... as people are wont to do when someone forgets to check and replace their Bel-Tone™ batteries regularly.
Correio Da Tyra Número Um! Fo Ho reads (with her mouth full) "You need to (*chomp*) hit the ground running (*chew*) if you want to (*swallow*) fly!" MeeMaw guesses "Maybe it's parasailing!" but AmINuts disagrees, venturing her own guess, "Maybe it could be, like, those hang-gliding things!" MeeMaw looks at her sideways and testily says "That is hang-gliding!" Poor MeeMaw, her amazing insight is always underappreciated.
Realizing that they've completely ignored it for the last few episodes, the producers insist that the girls go admire Anime-Eyes' awesome "digital art" photo...
...I may have added a few extra adjectives...
Instead of feeling confident, though, Anime's just feeling nervous from the pressure to do well this week also. This is quite puzzling, because modelling is a mostly pressure-free profession, isn't it? At any rate, they're sitting around having dinner and congratulating themselves on being "The Top Five" (much like they sat around and congratulated themselves on being "The Top Thirteen" several weeks back) and Fo Ho admits she never thought she'd get this far, because "Everything in my life has been half-assed... like, high school was half-assed for me! Accomplishing this would be proving to myself that I can do things." Like become a full ass on national TV! Of course, at this point she also remembers that out of all the remaining girls, she's the shortest at 5'8", so she realizes she needs to try harder and "look six feet tall". She better start wearing a fauxhawk.
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Comments (15)
Let's play a game! What else PAINS MeeMaw...
I'm guessing eating a Fruitloop pains her. All those calories.
1 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 4, 2009 10:43 AM
And apprarently the breeze from helicopter blades pain MeeMaw...I thought she was gonna get blown right off the building.
BRILLIANT recap. The translations made me laugh 'til my sides hurt...in a good way.
2 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 4, 2009 10:56 AM
OHMYLORD, I just put your Portuguese in a translator. lolololol :D
3 of 15 | Posted by qupert | Posted on May 4, 2009 1:16 PM
I have to say it... I like MeeMaw. I think she has a fabulous sense of style and carries herself very well. I also think that Anime is beyond cute and I want to hang her from my rear view mirror. I don't really like AmINuts though she does have a fantastic body. Her face just doesn't do it for me. As far as Teyomboy goes, when I see her normally, I don't get it. I don't think she is pretty at all. She is all teeth and chin. But she does look stunning in photographs. She will probably win this thing, but I still prefer Meemaw (for now at least).
I also put the caption in babelfish. Hee hee! Funny recap as always, J-Mo! Thank you!
4 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on May 4, 2009 1:40 PM
The go-see assignment always makes me so nervous! You's think that they'd never watched a season before, because every single frackin' time one of the girls is late. It's so bad it actually stresses me out a little bit. Just skip a go-see girls! Also, every time that Teyona showed up behind someone there was twisted little part of me that was happy. She's such a foregone conclusion at this point that I can't help but get irritated by her (plus, I find her boring, and the DON'T TOUCH was super obnoxious after she won). Anime for the win!
I felt like this judging may have been one of the most hypocritical yet. I mean, doesn't Tyra *always* tell the girls to practice in the front of the mirror. Now, suddenly, practicing is somehow wrong? Je confused.
Oh, and Pepto-Jaysmol...hilarious.
5 of 15 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on May 4, 2009 5:54 PM
I feel stressed out with those Go-Sees and I didn't watch that episode. IMO, the whole show is becoming boring and I only to care about reading J-amor's recaps! Thanks, J!
I wonder if they'll ever go to Rio de Janeiro or to some exotic place in the Northeast!?
6 of 15 | Posted by detinha | Posted on May 4, 2009 8:50 PM
Fo's height suddenly becomes an issue 11 episodes into the season? Why bother having her on the show at all? For that matter, if MeeMaw's age is going to prevent her from winning this thing, why bother letting her on?
Unless of course...this isn't (gasp) a real modeling competition?
7 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 4, 2009 11:31 PM
Good point, Itchy, and you reminded me of something... isn't the season they are filming right now only for people shorter than 5'8"? So wtf?!
8 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on May 5, 2009 6:47 AM
and who knew 5'8" was too short for a model . . . didn't it used to be 5'7"--heck, what do I know . . .
J-mo, dahling, I thought of you that whole shoot, and I am unsurprised to see lots of caps of that hot, speedo'ed bear!!! I myself was captivated, and when Sex God came over to take part in the groping, I was in shock!!! Funny that the first time he does something like that involves stroking an almost naked fuzzy, Brazilian bear!!! And Anime, going in for him, almost straight away was noted!!! Good to see her growing in this, and tho she doesn't seem like the winner I'll root for her anyway (and maybe we can meet her for drinks at the chubby chaser club, right J-mo!?)
Pity about Fo, but she did bone that one, I don't know how it works, but I think there must be divisions in modeling that allow for girls like her to work. Someone ? . . . and All this time I thought Aminuts was a tad too tall . . . silly me. I did think this was her best shot, and Teyomboy is coming from no where, but looks like the chosen one, with good reason, tho she was obnoxious behind the scenes--couldn't believe she kept leaving designers to waste time going to another to leave, and then she wins . . . harumpph!!!
Well, thanks as always for a thorough cap of the epi, and lots of gratuitous grabs . . . you're my guy!!!! xoxoxoxoxo
I'm off to try the translator!
9 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 5, 2009 11:09 AM
J-Mo,
Honey you are such a riot. Reading your recaps with my morning coffee is the best thing ever!! Your voice comes through your writing so well that it feels like your sitting across the table from me sipping on a mocha and dishing on these ladies : ) Luvs it!!
I have to say that I'm not convinced that any of these ladies would really stand out on any runway show that I've seen (except for not being able to walk). I am curious to see who ultimately wins, and if we ever hear from then again...
Hugs,
Yenta
10 of 15 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on May 5, 2009 11:16 AM
Arrgh, what an episode. First of all since when does being 5'8" suddenly to you into a charter memeber of the Lollypop Guild? That's an above average height, right? Jesus they made it sound like Fo Ho couldn't leave the room unless someone reached up and turned the door handle for her. And shouldn't it say something to a designer if the only way their clothes look good is on a giant bag of sticks that's half a foot taller and 30 pounds lighter then the people who are actually going to buy your clothes?
Still it was a great episode. I love gosees. Actually I love putting any American in a cab in a foreign country, and watching them reinforce every negative stereotype about our country; it's TV gold.
I also love that judging by this season of ANTM it seems everyone in Brazil did as well in high school Enlish as I did in high school Spanish. Is it possible for an enitre nation to get a pity C?
There was one thing I didn't like this week, the gloves with teeny tiny bikinis. What, were they handling food? I've got news for you, unless you're a Disney character with only four fingers, you don't wear gloves with a bathing suit. Ugh!
A great recap J-Mo, laughed all the way through, please keep them coming!
11 of 15 | Posted by Waffleboy09 | Posted on May 5, 2009 11:21 AM
I think Aminuts would tear it up on the runway. What a body, and legs five miles long.
Lil Anime sure came out of her shell. That hair mostly overwhelms her, though. I'd like to see her in a bob, either wavy or straight.
Poor Meemaw--so close to being a "supairmoduhl" yet so far.
Fo IS short for a model. The runway girls are mostly 5-10 and up nowadays, I believe. And in Brazil they want tall and THIN. She can model in print though. She is very pretty, that's why they say "no hiyah fasheeeahhhn" or whatever.
Hey, I tried to get with the Portuguese accent.
12 of 15 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 5, 2009 8:03 PM
Does anyone else feel that each show had been created by a film student who just learned about the avante garde/surrealist art movement. One of the photo shoots from a previous season was to dress the girls in meat bikinis in a slaughter house- how much more proof do you need that someone drop out from NYU was hired to write this show. I swear sometimes that photo shoots, comments, and theme of the show makes less sense then Un chien andalou. Who is the film student now? Me that's who.
And thank you for the shot of all the ironing boards in the thongs. Is there anything that isn't anthromorphized these days?
13 of 15 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on May 9, 2009 8:37 AM
cattyfan... Ooh, I LIKE your game idea, that is BRILLIANT! LOL, glad you liked the Hooked-On-Phonics portions... xoxo :)
qupert... LOL, I hope Babelfish made sense of it! xoxo :)
Snootchy Bootches... Actually, I agree with you about MeeMaw's fashion sense, she always looks like a million bucks, which is something you can't say about Teyomboy or Anime a lot of the time. And ROFL at hanging Anime from the rear-view mirror! xoxo :)
LAjane... honey, I was right there with you, I'll never understand why these girls don't just meet with a couple of designers and high-tail it back to be on time no matter what! And Teyomboy definitely lost some cool points in my eyes for not even letting the other girls TOUCH her precious winnings, that was trés selfish! xoxo :)
detinha... awww, shucks, thank you! I wish they would explore more of Brazil, but you know that would require a car trip and these girls just aren't up to being driven anywhere! xoxo :)
itchy... word up. xoxo :)
juddfan... LOL, I knew you'd be enjoying this episode just as much as I was, I just wished they had had more episode shots of him on the CW's website, but I guess that would have been too much to ask for. :( xoxo :)
yentapatrol... LOL, that sounds like so much fun, Sunday morning bagels and schmeer and coffee and talking shit about people! I'm glad my voice comes through, because you're right, that's exactly how I talk! love to you! xoxo :)
WaffleBoy09... "Pity C" Best. Grade. Ever. I was losing my shit over the weird Michael Jackson single-glove thing, too! Talk about random accessories, that looked totally last minute! BTW, have you considered auditiongasm? love to you! xoxo :)
pixielated... your Portuguese accent is just fine, it's the show that makes no sense! xoxo :)
reckless_saturn_11... Hahaha, I was looking for the perfect adjective for the girls in their thongs, and couldn't find it, but you sure did! THANK YOU! xoxo :)
Thanks again for all the comments guys, as always I appreciate it!
love, J-Mo :)
14 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 11, 2009 9:39 AM
first hot picture of anime, i'd say. really nice picture composition that she stood left next to fatty guy.
15 of 15 | Posted by mila superstar | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:57 PM