Hi-hi once again to all you Ty-Ty fans! Let me start out by making a heartfelt apology to everybody for all the exposed chubby manflesh (i.e. hairy tits) in last week's recap... after ten weeks of watching women who need USA For Africa far more desperately than Africa does, I got a little carried away when I saw one of my people on TV for a change, and it clearly was a bit too much for some. However, never fear, because tonight's show...

...is once again brought to you by the letters "i" and "j" and by the number 11...
I thought I had truly seen the ultimate depths of stupidity on America's Next Top Model but then Tyra and Co. went and showed me that I just wasn't dumbing down my thinking enough to conceive of some of the stuff that went into tonight's episode. Oh, and Ty-Ty thinks she has a near-death experience. Prepare to lose a few I.Q. points after the jump...
The girls are returning to their WomanCave after dark (and after Fo Ho has already cleared her stuff out) and Teyomboy's gazing lovingly at herself on the Flatscreen D'Art...
..."Lookit me! I'm on TV!"...
After admiring how "extra juicy" her breasts look in the photo (yay for juicyboobs!) Teyomboy believes she's just getting better and better and better. This clearly means she's going to suck major burro-balls at whatever their pointless teach winds up being this week. Oblivious to the irony of it all, she claims to no longer be a "silent threat". I'm glad she clarified that, because I had totally mistaken her for shy and demure all this time...
...just like a quiet storm...
Meanwhile, Anime's kissing MeeMaw's ass and telling her she thought her brittle neck-twisting photo from last week was "rather cool" and MeeMaw gasps "I liked it! It's like, my favorite one!" MeeMaw must not have taken her Namenda dose today, because she's forgetting that a few hours earlier she as much as admitted to how awful she was at the last shoot. Looking at Teyomboy's picture, she's suddenly claiming that "this scene is easier to work with." Again, that's not what she said last episode, but if we've learned anything from this show, it's that expecting consistency from ANTM is pure folly.
MeeMaw's recounting her embarrassing second-time around in the Bottom Two spot, but is hopeful that the Judges saw how much better she really is than the lackluster performance she gave in the shoot. Then she talks about how being so old is such a challenge again and I tune her out like I often did with my own MeeMaw when she'd start yammering at the dinner table about how my cousin used to be a madame at a whorehouse and that she could see ghosts and that we were all trying to poison her (as she'd light up another cigarette)...
..."I see your dead grandpa, and he says you should stop masturbating so much!"...
While MeeMaw's trying on some of Teyomboy's new clothes, AmINuts is grumbling that they have to deal with her wrinkly ass for another week, "She's just a bit much... and she can be annoying." Hello, Princess Pot? Meet Queen Kettle. You're both irritating. On the other hand, Anime-Eyes is super happy that MeeMaw's still there because "She's my friend in the house." Awww, that's so sweet! Too bad they left out the part where she finished off with "...and standing next to her, I look like an embryo!"
Correio Da Tyra Número Um! Teyomboy attempts to read it, "Tchiqui, tchiqui, toom... tchiqui, tchiqui, toom... tchiqui, tchiqui, toom..." Nobody has the faintest idea what "Chicky, chicky, tomb" means. They're going to visit a McNugget factory? I have to agree with Teyomboy here as she says "I dunno, they got me beat on this one!"
They wind up on a bus headed over to a building with a sign that says "Águia De Ouro" (which means "Gold Eagle") and inside are a bunch of professional Samba dancers whirling and twirling about. Anime's heart sinks, "Uh ohhh. I'm a really bad dancer." I take it she doesn't mean that in the "Michael-Jackson-shah-mown-you-know-it" sense of the word. "I don't really have a lot of rhythm. I'm pretty horrified." As I'm sure we will soon be as well.
..."Why couldn't it be a soulless staring contest, instead?"...
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Comments (15)
Great recap, J-Mo!
I was so surprised AmINuts actually made it to the final 3. Really? She's mastered "one face" WAY more than Anime, not to mention she's been the least consistent contestant out of the bunch.
But the funny thing is...there's thoughts that she might actually win the competition. Why? Because she's most likely to bring something to Covergirl among herself, Anime, and Teyomboy, and because she'll be a knockout on the runway if she makes it that far. And, since many people have agreed that recent winners have sucked, it would only follow suit that AmINuts would take the cake. Does anyone else think it's an actual possiblity? Because the whole cycle I thought Teyomboy had this in the bag, but now? It might just happen...lol.
1 of 15 | Posted by Phlip | Posted on May 10, 2009 6:30 PM
I think Aminuts is awesome. So what if she has just one face? It worked for Tyra and many others.
I think Meemaw had a better shot than Teyomboy this week. Actually, so did Aminuts.
I still think it'll be Anime. Do you notice how when Anne "The Schnozz" is a judge, the little gal does better? She is sure fire gold for Seventeen--she is all soulful and vampire-y like the teenage girls love. Don't most teenage girls want to have huge eyes and be all "alas fair maiden-y"? That's my take, anyway.
Mr. Jay should be on the panel instead of Miss Jay. BTW I loved Mr. Jay's seen-it-all attitude with Tyra. That guy is used to working with models!
2 of 15 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 10, 2009 7:37 PM
gosh you guys got in earlier!
Thanks j-mo for the recap, awesome again.
i laughed all the way through.
specially the moth scene, if you watch the gif over and over again, it looks like tyty is opening mouth to bite of gay-jay's mini gay-jay.
thats the close a girl has ever gotten to his crotch.
second, fuck porizcunty wow, that critique of celia at the class, omg harsh..i actually felt really really bad for celia at that point.
and dont worry about the man boobs thing last week, it was funny and i liked the caps. especially when nigel put his hand on the guy's man boobs and you highlighted the extra excited penis bump. ROFL
i have a feeling teyona will win, but i dont think she is that special. i still dont see it. i actually think aminuts is amazing looking in person, but somehow in photos she just doesnt look good. but she is amazing, stunning body, perfect boobs, omg i cant believe i said that! LOL
alison is cute and it was really the best exit ive ever seen, alison was crying awwww....
and the prizes?! hahaha i laughed too, they look like the stuff i can get at my saturday crafts market where hippy women sell stuff from the trunk of their car.
and i love schozzie... she is the love of my life! oh ... she really makes a gay guy's day! she does.. the schozz..oh the beauty and the urban dance hip moves.
but seriously though, the challenges are becoming more ridiculous. samba dance moves = bird colorful photoshoot? aaahhh ok....? and why did they go with all that makeup only to tone it down to dull tones?
but hay do you notice most of tyra's photographer shoots in most cycles she does with girls are BLACK and WHITe or DULL TONES and she always gives them dark eye makeup???
its cuz bitch cant shoot in color!!! she can't capture shit on color, so she dulls it and gives dark eye makeup to make it look edgy. ill try to remember all the shoots for.
1. caridee cycle, it was just Eye makeup and face shot. 2. jaslene cycle, same thing again. 3. whitney cycle, the over the top shoot where dominique looked like cruella deville. 4. mykey cycle.
anyway i cant be fucked remembering them all..but yeah tyra doesn't shoot in color!
3 of 15 | Posted by loopygorilla | Posted on May 10, 2009 8:42 PM
Does anyone else think that Alison's photo had the EXACT SAME FACE as she always does?
And not a peep from the judges!(haha, birds) But I mean, what else have we come to expect? Urgh.
I don't think Aminat deserves to be the top three - I thought Celia has been more consistent. However, I don't think either of them could/will win. I think it's definitely between Teyona and Alison and I think Teyona might take it, but I'm not sure.
I honestly do not even care.
4 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 10, 2009 10:47 PM
I'm not sure why anyone would expect consistency from a fashion-oriented tv program. I mean, isn't fashion all about fickleness?
I always enjoy watching my wife run to catch up with the latest 'style trends' (here in France, it's de rigeur).
My favorite was from a couple years back when they convinced the entire female population here that wearing slacks cut off just above the ankles was 'in.' Of course, it only confirms my suspicion that the fashion industry is run by misogynists.
This year they're packing the French gals (who are starting to resemble American women more and more every year, and not in a good way) into skin tight stretchy pants. Ha!
No doubt they gave the win and the jewelry to MeeMaw to soften the blow of calling her a dried-up old hag and sending her home.
I like Aminuts though, at least her personality wise. But keeping her in the final four is the same thing as automatically assuming that a tall black guy is going to be good at basketball.
And AnimeEyes is looking awful pale n' pasty n' puffy lately.
Oh yeah, I started watching the Australian version of this show (yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a reality show addict, go on witcha), and I have to say that all of the girls on that show are actually pretty and look like models - even the ones they kick off are even more model-pretty than these four. Maybe girls are just healthier down under?
5 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 11, 2009 12:21 AM
What Paulina said to MeeMaw at the challenge was terrible!! We can talk about her here behind her back, but DON'T be ugly to her face!!
And AmINuts photo was hideous!! She looked like a monster! An alien monster.
Did anyone notice that Teyomboy did NOT say "I thought I was going home" at panel. She just said "I thought I would be in the bottom two".
I think it's pretty evident now that Teyomboy is winning this. I mean, no way can they give it to Anime Eyes with her runway walk being what it is. By the way, why isn't Anime trying to learn to walk in her spare time? Mee Maw could have been trying to help her......
6 of 15 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on May 11, 2009 7:45 AM
I gave up when Rich-Bitch got kicked off...no more ANTM for me but I will definitely read the recaps! LOVE YOU J-Mo.
It's the same shit every "cycle", someone is too old, too short, too one-note but they still make it far enough until their "issue" makes it convenient to kick them off. Aminat has been in the bottom two at least 4 times so that is total BS that she is still there. And what was the point of putting their nests in completely different places when all you saw was the nest and not the surrounding area. And, wow, loopygorilla, I never noticed it before but I totally see about the Tyra shoots. Only in B/W!
7 of 15 | Posted by Yanksfan24 | Posted on May 11, 2009 10:39 AM
" What's even more disheartening to me is that she understands the definition of a complex word like "dichotomy", but doesn't seem to get that "second runner-up" is actually third place."
J-Mo this one had me laughing for the rest of the post, thank you.
8 of 15 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on May 11, 2009 1:07 PM
J-Mo, as usual you had me rolling on the floor. It started with Chicky, chicky tomb = a visit to the McNugget Factory. And quite frankly never stopped. Holy Shit!
Loved the Clueless reference - I love that movie so much.
I can't believe it all ends this week. **single tear**
SWAK, PottyMouth
9 of 15 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on May 11, 2009 1:13 PM
J-mo, OMG, Hysterical!!! The whole thing is great, and too many to quote, but I died at this: ..."Why couldn't it be a soulless staring contest, instead?"...
So, seeing you apologize (isn't that unheard of here!? ) for capping the Brazilian Bear made me go and re-read the comments, and I didn't see anyone complain . . . hmm . . . since I mentioned it favorably, I hope you didn't misread what I said, you know I loves me some men with girth, and heck, it may not be for everyone, but how many times do you even have the chance to indulge . . . BE YOURSELF
Good point about Aminuts, itchy, and frankly, I'd have never guessed these 3 at all . . . but the winner is always the one who pulls off the close up cover girl shot . . . if it looks hot--like Whitney's or Mckey's, then we'll know--the walk is secondary, I think, coz that pic will be published. I imagine the commercial is also crucial, but if that was the case, Fo would be in and last season the chick with the best commercial ever (anna somthing?) would have won. Call me crazy, but Teyona's got this one-and second, who knows . . .
Can't believe this is ending either--what's next for you J-mo?
10 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 11, 2009 2:33 PM
hurray Itchy! yes you are watching AusNTM.
yeah our girls are more modelesque and tonight is Make OVER NIGHT! yay..cant wait.
11 of 15 | Posted by loopygorilla | Posted on May 11, 2009 7:34 PM
"Are the stupid antics of Miss J. annoying you as much as they are me?" Why yes, yes they are. I kind of wanted to strangle him with his stupid bow-tie mid-chirp.
And has Teyona always spoken solely in choppy ghetto-speak? Did I just not notice it?
12 of 15 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on May 12, 2009 7:11 AM
Phlip... you might be right, it wouldn't be out of the range of possibility for Nutsy to take the whole thing. I'm going to be curious to see if she's still besties with Teyomboy if she doesn't win, though! *snicker* xoxo :)
pixielated... I think you're right, too, Schnozzie loooooves her some weird-ass Anime-Eyes. But seriously? How many Halloween issues can Seventeen Magazine, do in one year? xoxo :)
loopygorilla... LOL, I'm glad you like manboobs, too! And I wasn't aware that Tyra doesn't shoot in color on her turns, I thought it was a waste of makeup and feathers (way to be green Miz Banks!) but it makes more sense, she probably doesn't have the skills to carry off taking color pictures, and B/W or sepia would forgive a lot of that. Also loved the "saturday crafts market where hippy women sell stuff from the trunk of their car" thing, that's a great visual! xoxo :)
georgiababe... THANK YOU, that's EXACTLY what has been making me feel stabby this entire cycle, Anime trots out that same damned face in every picture... or they pick the same damned face in every picture, and it's just insane! I'm with you, I'm kinda meh on whoever wins this cycle. xoxo :)
itchy... I totally know what you mean about fashion being fickle, and I'm used to that, however, my consistency complaint is in regards to the non-fashion related-aspects of this show... such as people who don't seem to remember the things that have come out of their own mouths. That's mostly related to the judges and their insane critiques, but for MeeMaw to suddenly claim that she "loved" her beach photo after she almost got sent home for it (and she agreed with them that she fucked it to pieces) just rubbed me the wrong way, I don't like when people try to rewrite history like that, especially when it's caught on video. I wish I could get the Australian version here, but I can't afford satellite TV on what I make. :( xoxo :)
LisaMay... that's exactly why Paulina immediately became Porizkunty. That was just plain mean of her to say (especially when she was looking so haglike that day herself). I dunno why Anime doesn't practice walking more, but if she's one of those people with no natural grace then those skills may ALWAYS elude her. xoxo :)
Yanksfan24 Awww, well shucks, love you too! Sorry your favorite got booted, but I'm sure Rich-Bitch will be visible soon... standing next to cars in your local AutoTrader ads... xoxo :)
waffleboy09... honeychile, I must confess, the only reason *I* know that second-runner-up is third place is because I go to a lot of drag-queen pageants and I'm familiar with placings, LOL! love to you! xoxo :)
PottyMouth... sugarpie, I'm going to cry exactly one tear at 8pm tonight as well, and then I'll be doing the happy dance cuz this will be the last recap on this cycle! P.S. "Oooooh, Snickers!" xoxo :)
juddfan... LOL, truthfully, the apology was just my lead-in to this week's episode... let's face it, fat people are funny, and fat people in speedos are comedy gold so there was no way I wasn't using BrazilloBear as much as possible last week (I wonder if he was related to the Schnozz, though, he had a helluva honker on him, didn't he?). I'm proud to be a chubby-chaser (mostly) so I will always screengrab the fat guys when they come along, never fear! xoxo :)
LAjane... sweetiedarlin', I am SO glad that I'm not the only one who is completely and totally and utterly through with Miss J and her fucked up pseudo-asian wig and the fucking bow ties and the bitchy weight/age comments and the fucking cooing bullshit. Other than the ONE episode where he worked with the girls on their walks, he's been completely useless this entire cycle, and personally I think the fact that Anime still can't walk worth a fuck should be directly blamed on him for not taking time out to work with her intensely on it. He's been too busy throwing old and fat and ugly stones from inside his glass fucking house. That bitch. HATE. But I love you for sharing with me. xoxo :)
Thanks again guys for all the commentary, tonight's the final episode, and then I'll be taking a break from recapping for a bit, but I'll be back, you just never know where...
love, J-Mo :)
13 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 13, 2009 12:37 PM
This is the first episode I watched this cycle, and if I bring up a question that's been mentione 1,000 times, please forgive me.
But does anyone else think that Animat is the SPITTING image of Danielle Evans, C6? But with less personality & one basic look.
I would think that would harm her chances.
14 of 15 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on May 13, 2009 6:48 PM
hutchlover, I am not versed enough in this show to respond off the top of my head, so I did a trusty google search for Danielle Evans and looked closely at a few pictures... and I DO see some similarity with Aminat, but actually I think Danielle is far prettier... I'll have the finale recap posted soon!
15 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 15, 2009 10:57 AM