Ahhh, and here comes Porizkunty, "You didn't think you were gonna come all the way to Brazil and not learn the Samba, did you?" Nervous giggles all around as she continues that a good Samba dancer needs "poise and coordination" (Anime is fuuuuuuucked) and introduces their Samba teacher, Juliana Leite, who is smiling but appears to be steeling herself internally to witness the brutal beating and eventual murder of her life's passion.
So what do Samba dancing and modelling have in common? Absolutely nothing at all, but that's not what Porizkunty would have us believe, "You have to learn how to move your body... and then make it look easy!" Mmkay, sounds simple enough, right?...
...wrong...
Poor Juliana's trying to teach them a simple step-ball-change combo with a single turn in it, and the girls are dancing as gracefully as tanks. Teyomboy explains, "The first two steps, like the 'tchiqui, tchiqui, toom', now that's easy, I could catch on to that stuff real good... but then, like, we add this turn to it... that turn had me goin', 'cuz I was gettin' dizzy!" Nobody has the heart to tell her it's not the dance that's making her feel like that.
Now Porizkunty's instructing them to "infuse the dance" with an awareness of what their faces are doing, "Fake it with confidence! Like, if I was the camera! Think of me as, uh, Nigel... if you can."...
...yes, if Sex-God looked like a crazy, bitchy, ex-supermodel they'd almost be twins!...
I don't know why, but Porizkunty's looking really hard-edged and kinda crabby here. Anyhow, she calls up MeeMaw to try out her dancing shoes, and the ole gal does a pretty good job, although her sexified stares at Porizkunty (who's pretending to be Sex-God by speaking in an atrocious British accent) are rather unsettling. P'kunt says MeeMaw moves "like royalty.... because she's a little stiff" but also says the passion and fire of South American dance eludes her, and she was "overworking" it.
My mouth just drops open into a huge blowjobface at her next little jab! "You want it too much! You are at an age that is, like, way old for modelling... and desperation is not sexy!"...
...says the 44-year-old still trying to pull off a breezy strapless dress...
I didn't want to, but I actually felt a little bad for MeeMaw, Porizkunty's trademark is her complete and utter tactlessness, and you can tell that remark hit her where she lives...
..."That was way harsh, Tai..."...
Me, I would have shoved a couple cans of Ensure up Porizkunty's ass and called it good, but MeeMaw still wants it too much, so she keeps her mouth shut. Now P'kunty's beckoning to AmINuts, "Come shaow me wot yew cahn dew!" Ugh, please stop with the crappy accent already? At any rate, Nutsy's doing very well (she promised to sexify it up) and Porizkunty says she's a natural dancer and took to it like a duck to water.
When she's finished, P'kunty's super-impressed! "This is more expression than I've seen on your face ever!" Too bad her own expression is so haggard. Is she hung over, maybe? I just can't get beyond how awful she looks. Maybe the camera crew forgot the Tub'O'Vaseline for the lenses today? It's a mystery.
On the other hand, it's no mystery that Anime's doing an awful job, and Porizkunty says she was "truly scared" of for the girl as she graces us with her hysterical impression of Anime...
...Which one is more cartoonish?...
I'll go with C.) Tyra Banks. Besides not really getting the steps down, P'kunty thought Anime looked terrified and weak. Somebody should bring Janice Dickinson back on this show and watch Porizkunty become the definition of "terrified and weak"!
Last up is Teyomboy, and you can tell that terrible turn is still fucking with her because she's got her eyes glued to her feet and her dancing partner in a vise-like grip. P'kunty says "I was actually sort of surprised about Teyona... she wasn't as... graceful as I expected." Hmmmm, interesting... is that her veiled way of saying she expected Teyomboy to be a "natural dancer" as well?...
...perhaps she'd suggest that Teyomboy forget modelling and study trumpet under Dizzy Gillespie instead...
Oh well, now that they've learned how to "fake it with confidence" she advises them to be sure and run over their steps in the evening ahead, as I'm sure a dance-off is in the very near future.
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Comments (15)
Great recap, J-Mo!
I was so surprised AmINuts actually made it to the final 3. Really? She's mastered "one face" WAY more than Anime, not to mention she's been the least consistent contestant out of the bunch.
But the funny thing is...there's thoughts that she might actually win the competition. Why? Because she's most likely to bring something to Covergirl among herself, Anime, and Teyomboy, and because she'll be a knockout on the runway if she makes it that far. And, since many people have agreed that recent winners have sucked, it would only follow suit that AmINuts would take the cake. Does anyone else think it's an actual possiblity? Because the whole cycle I thought Teyomboy had this in the bag, but now? It might just happen...lol.
1 of 15 | Posted by Phlip | Posted on May 10, 2009 6:30 PM
I think Aminuts is awesome. So what if she has just one face? It worked for Tyra and many others.
I think Meemaw had a better shot than Teyomboy this week. Actually, so did Aminuts.
I still think it'll be Anime. Do you notice how when Anne "The Schnozz" is a judge, the little gal does better? She is sure fire gold for Seventeen--she is all soulful and vampire-y like the teenage girls love. Don't most teenage girls want to have huge eyes and be all "alas fair maiden-y"? That's my take, anyway.
Mr. Jay should be on the panel instead of Miss Jay. BTW I loved Mr. Jay's seen-it-all attitude with Tyra. That guy is used to working with models!
2 of 15 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 10, 2009 7:37 PM
gosh you guys got in earlier!
Thanks j-mo for the recap, awesome again.
i laughed all the way through.
specially the moth scene, if you watch the gif over and over again, it looks like tyty is opening mouth to bite of gay-jay's mini gay-jay.
thats the close a girl has ever gotten to his crotch.
second, fuck porizcunty wow, that critique of celia at the class, omg harsh..i actually felt really really bad for celia at that point.
and dont worry about the man boobs thing last week, it was funny and i liked the caps. especially when nigel put his hand on the guy's man boobs and you highlighted the extra excited penis bump. ROFL
i have a feeling teyona will win, but i dont think she is that special. i still dont see it. i actually think aminuts is amazing looking in person, but somehow in photos she just doesnt look good. but she is amazing, stunning body, perfect boobs, omg i cant believe i said that! LOL
alison is cute and it was really the best exit ive ever seen, alison was crying awwww....
and the prizes?! hahaha i laughed too, they look like the stuff i can get at my saturday crafts market where hippy women sell stuff from the trunk of their car.
and i love schozzie... she is the love of my life! oh ... she really makes a gay guy's day! she does.. the schozz..oh the beauty and the urban dance hip moves.
but seriously though, the challenges are becoming more ridiculous. samba dance moves = bird colorful photoshoot? aaahhh ok....? and why did they go with all that makeup only to tone it down to dull tones?
but hay do you notice most of tyra's photographer shoots in most cycles she does with girls are BLACK and WHITe or DULL TONES and she always gives them dark eye makeup???
its cuz bitch cant shoot in color!!! she can't capture shit on color, so she dulls it and gives dark eye makeup to make it look edgy. ill try to remember all the shoots for.
1. caridee cycle, it was just Eye makeup and face shot. 2. jaslene cycle, same thing again. 3. whitney cycle, the over the top shoot where dominique looked like cruella deville. 4. mykey cycle.
anyway i cant be fucked remembering them all..but yeah tyra doesn't shoot in color!
3 of 15 | Posted by loopygorilla | Posted on May 10, 2009 8:42 PM
Does anyone else think that Alison's photo had the EXACT SAME FACE as she always does?
And not a peep from the judges!(haha, birds) But I mean, what else have we come to expect? Urgh.
I don't think Aminat deserves to be the top three - I thought Celia has been more consistent. However, I don't think either of them could/will win. I think it's definitely between Teyona and Alison and I think Teyona might take it, but I'm not sure.
I honestly do not even care.
4 of 15 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on May 10, 2009 10:47 PM
I'm not sure why anyone would expect consistency from a fashion-oriented tv program. I mean, isn't fashion all about fickleness?
I always enjoy watching my wife run to catch up with the latest 'style trends' (here in France, it's de rigeur).
My favorite was from a couple years back when they convinced the entire female population here that wearing slacks cut off just above the ankles was 'in.' Of course, it only confirms my suspicion that the fashion industry is run by misogynists.
This year they're packing the French gals (who are starting to resemble American women more and more every year, and not in a good way) into skin tight stretchy pants. Ha!
No doubt they gave the win and the jewelry to MeeMaw to soften the blow of calling her a dried-up old hag and sending her home.
I like Aminuts though, at least her personality wise. But keeping her in the final four is the same thing as automatically assuming that a tall black guy is going to be good at basketball.
And AnimeEyes is looking awful pale n' pasty n' puffy lately.
Oh yeah, I started watching the Australian version of this show (yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a reality show addict, go on witcha), and I have to say that all of the girls on that show are actually pretty and look like models - even the ones they kick off are even more model-pretty than these four. Maybe girls are just healthier down under?
5 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 11, 2009 12:21 AM
What Paulina said to MeeMaw at the challenge was terrible!! We can talk about her here behind her back, but DON'T be ugly to her face!!
And AmINuts photo was hideous!! She looked like a monster! An alien monster.
Did anyone notice that Teyomboy did NOT say "I thought I was going home" at panel. She just said "I thought I would be in the bottom two".
I think it's pretty evident now that Teyomboy is winning this. I mean, no way can they give it to Anime Eyes with her runway walk being what it is. By the way, why isn't Anime trying to learn to walk in her spare time? Mee Maw could have been trying to help her......
6 of 15 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on May 11, 2009 7:45 AM
I gave up when Rich-Bitch got kicked off...no more ANTM for me but I will definitely read the recaps! LOVE YOU J-Mo.
It's the same shit every "cycle", someone is too old, too short, too one-note but they still make it far enough until their "issue" makes it convenient to kick them off. Aminat has been in the bottom two at least 4 times so that is total BS that she is still there. And what was the point of putting their nests in completely different places when all you saw was the nest and not the surrounding area. And, wow, loopygorilla, I never noticed it before but I totally see about the Tyra shoots. Only in B/W!
7 of 15 | Posted by Yanksfan24 | Posted on May 11, 2009 10:39 AM
" What's even more disheartening to me is that she understands the definition of a complex word like "dichotomy", but doesn't seem to get that "second runner-up" is actually third place."
J-Mo this one had me laughing for the rest of the post, thank you.
8 of 15 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on May 11, 2009 1:07 PM
J-Mo, as usual you had me rolling on the floor. It started with Chicky, chicky tomb = a visit to the McNugget Factory. And quite frankly never stopped. Holy Shit!
Loved the Clueless reference - I love that movie so much.
I can't believe it all ends this week. **single tear**
SWAK, PottyMouth
9 of 15 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on May 11, 2009 1:13 PM
J-mo, OMG, Hysterical!!! The whole thing is great, and too many to quote, but I died at this: ..."Why couldn't it be a soulless staring contest, instead?"...
So, seeing you apologize (isn't that unheard of here!? ) for capping the Brazilian Bear made me go and re-read the comments, and I didn't see anyone complain . . . hmm . . . since I mentioned it favorably, I hope you didn't misread what I said, you know I loves me some men with girth, and heck, it may not be for everyone, but how many times do you even have the chance to indulge . . . BE YOURSELF
Good point about Aminuts, itchy, and frankly, I'd have never guessed these 3 at all . . . but the winner is always the one who pulls off the close up cover girl shot . . . if it looks hot--like Whitney's or Mckey's, then we'll know--the walk is secondary, I think, coz that pic will be published. I imagine the commercial is also crucial, but if that was the case, Fo would be in and last season the chick with the best commercial ever (anna somthing?) would have won. Call me crazy, but Teyona's got this one-and second, who knows . . .
Can't believe this is ending either--what's next for you J-mo?
10 of 15 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 11, 2009 2:33 PM
hurray Itchy! yes you are watching AusNTM.
yeah our girls are more modelesque and tonight is Make OVER NIGHT! yay..cant wait.
11 of 15 | Posted by loopygorilla | Posted on May 11, 2009 7:34 PM
"Are the stupid antics of Miss J. annoying you as much as they are me?" Why yes, yes they are. I kind of wanted to strangle him with his stupid bow-tie mid-chirp.
And has Teyona always spoken solely in choppy ghetto-speak? Did I just not notice it?
12 of 15 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on May 12, 2009 7:11 AM
Phlip... you might be right, it wouldn't be out of the range of possibility for Nutsy to take the whole thing. I'm going to be curious to see if she's still besties with Teyomboy if she doesn't win, though! *snicker* xoxo :)
pixielated... I think you're right, too, Schnozzie loooooves her some weird-ass Anime-Eyes. But seriously? How many Halloween issues can Seventeen Magazine, do in one year? xoxo :)
loopygorilla... LOL, I'm glad you like manboobs, too! And I wasn't aware that Tyra doesn't shoot in color on her turns, I thought it was a waste of makeup and feathers (way to be green Miz Banks!) but it makes more sense, she probably doesn't have the skills to carry off taking color pictures, and B/W or sepia would forgive a lot of that. Also loved the "saturday crafts market where hippy women sell stuff from the trunk of their car" thing, that's a great visual! xoxo :)
georgiababe... THANK YOU, that's EXACTLY what has been making me feel stabby this entire cycle, Anime trots out that same damned face in every picture... or they pick the same damned face in every picture, and it's just insane! I'm with you, I'm kinda meh on whoever wins this cycle. xoxo :)
itchy... I totally know what you mean about fashion being fickle, and I'm used to that, however, my consistency complaint is in regards to the non-fashion related-aspects of this show... such as people who don't seem to remember the things that have come out of their own mouths. That's mostly related to the judges and their insane critiques, but for MeeMaw to suddenly claim that she "loved" her beach photo after she almost got sent home for it (and she agreed with them that she fucked it to pieces) just rubbed me the wrong way, I don't like when people try to rewrite history like that, especially when it's caught on video. I wish I could get the Australian version here, but I can't afford satellite TV on what I make. :( xoxo :)
LisaMay... that's exactly why Paulina immediately became Porizkunty. That was just plain mean of her to say (especially when she was looking so haglike that day herself). I dunno why Anime doesn't practice walking more, but if she's one of those people with no natural grace then those skills may ALWAYS elude her. xoxo :)
Yanksfan24 Awww, well shucks, love you too! Sorry your favorite got booted, but I'm sure Rich-Bitch will be visible soon... standing next to cars in your local AutoTrader ads... xoxo :)
waffleboy09... honeychile, I must confess, the only reason *I* know that second-runner-up is third place is because I go to a lot of drag-queen pageants and I'm familiar with placings, LOL! love to you! xoxo :)
PottyMouth... sugarpie, I'm going to cry exactly one tear at 8pm tonight as well, and then I'll be doing the happy dance cuz this will be the last recap on this cycle! P.S. "Oooooh, Snickers!" xoxo :)
juddfan... LOL, truthfully, the apology was just my lead-in to this week's episode... let's face it, fat people are funny, and fat people in speedos are comedy gold so there was no way I wasn't using BrazilloBear as much as possible last week (I wonder if he was related to the Schnozz, though, he had a helluva honker on him, didn't he?). I'm proud to be a chubby-chaser (mostly) so I will always screengrab the fat guys when they come along, never fear! xoxo :)
LAjane... sweetiedarlin', I am SO glad that I'm not the only one who is completely and totally and utterly through with Miss J and her fucked up pseudo-asian wig and the fucking bow ties and the bitchy weight/age comments and the fucking cooing bullshit. Other than the ONE episode where he worked with the girls on their walks, he's been completely useless this entire cycle, and personally I think the fact that Anime still can't walk worth a fuck should be directly blamed on him for not taking time out to work with her intensely on it. He's been too busy throwing old and fat and ugly stones from inside his glass fucking house. That bitch. HATE. But I love you for sharing with me. xoxo :)
Thanks again guys for all the commentary, tonight's the final episode, and then I'll be taking a break from recapping for a bit, but I'll be back, you just never know where...
love, J-Mo :)
13 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 13, 2009 12:37 PM
This is the first episode I watched this cycle, and if I bring up a question that's been mentione 1,000 times, please forgive me.
But does anyone else think that Animat is the SPITTING image of Danielle Evans, C6? But with less personality & one basic look.
I would think that would harm her chances.
14 of 15 | Posted by hutchlover | Posted on May 13, 2009 6:48 PM
hutchlover, I am not versed enough in this show to respond off the top of my head, so I did a trusty google search for Danielle Evans and looked closely at a few pictures... and I DO see some similarity with Aminat, but actually I think Danielle is far prettier... I'll have the finale recap posted soon!
15 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 15, 2009 10:57 AM