Oh my dear fierceling fashionistas, it is with a heavy heart that I sit down to write this final recap. Or maybe that's just the pizza and beer I've just inhaled. Gimme a second, here... *urp* Okay, I feel better now. It's just so hard to believe that only 3 short months ago we were all excited and gathered together to watch this latest crop of anemic airheads attempting to become the next Diva Deity™ to follow in the footsteps of The Goddess Of Fierce herself. It's equally hard to believe that we all got handed a big bucket of blah. I find myself heavily sympathizing with Teyomboy's expression in this picture...

..."Arright, which one of y'all bitches just cut one?"...
...like a fart in a jar, this cycle seems to have spun completely out-of-control, yet had almost zero impact... other than the lingering stench of stupidity I have felt weekly while watching Tyra overact, Sex-God smirk and sneer, Gay-Jay mince about, Porizkunty insult everybody and Miss J.'s silly bow-ties continue to grow like colorful labia with a bad case of elephantiasis. Do you remember a time when America's Next Top Model actually had some credibility as a serious modelling competition? Me either. Still, won't you take my chubby fat-fingered hand and for one last time let's make the jump...
After alllll those bizarre challenges involving everything from light-dildoes to fat guys, we're down to these three ladies rattling around in their luxury BrazilloPad like the last couple of wizened and dried out peas in the Green Giant can. Looking at them together it occurs to me...
...meet the new Danity Kane!...
Eh, maybe not... Anime's not orange enough. Anyhow, Ty-Ty does her best to whip us into a frenzy of anticipation over who tonight's winner might be... "Will it be Aminat... the outspoken and stunning girl from Union, NJ... with the remarkable body that was born to walk the runway?"...

...and who has all the myriad facial expressions of a statue?...
..."Or will it be Allison... the shy girl from New Orleans... with the fascinating face, whose photos have charmed the panel from week to week?"...

...and who is also just as likely to hike up her skirt and pee out the candles on your coffee table?...
..."Or will it be Teyona... the beautiful and gifted model from Woodstown, NJ... who's proven from the start that she can turn out a stunning photograph?"...
...like this one...
Well, whichever one it winds up being, they'd better be prepared to have their career limited to some Cover Girl commercials (to run during Cycle 13, natch!) a few catwalk trips (during Project Runway or The Fashion Show) and a few print ads at Wal-Mart. Fucking Wal-Mart. Damn, that's just depressing. Target ain't Macy's, but it would be a step up.
Oh well, time for Tyra Mail #1 (I'm switching back to English for the finale!)... AmINuts reads "Be on point tomorrow, or you can kiss this competition goodbye!" She'd rather be kissing McKey's vagina hello, but keeps that to herself. Suddenly Nutsy notices a second envelope on the floor and yells "Oh my God, we have scripts!" and Teyomboy correctly guesses that they're going to be shooting another Cover Girl commercial. Anime looks less than confident with this news...
...or maybe her steady diet of blood and souls is giving her a bad case of the runs...
But truthfully, their "scripts" are only one page, about 11 lines, 77 words total, so how hard could that be? Especially when the product they'll be shilling is the awesomely amazing "Outlast Lipstain™" from CoverGirl? They're making sure the girls remind us that "it's not a lipstick" but I have to wonder why some marketing genius would call any kind of cosmetic product that's supposed to go on your face a "stain". Besides, if you take a moment to think about it, this "new idea" doesn't really seem all that revolutionary...

...the early predecessors to Outlast Lipstain™...
Besides, these babies retail at about $7.50 each. For one color. You can get six Sharpies for the same price (in various colors) and look just as cartoonish at a sixth of the price! As an added horrifying bonus for being forced to sell glorified markers, the girls are also being asked to speak a little Portuguese, "Leia meus labios" which means "Read my lips". Lucky for them the producers have included the phonetic translation ("LAY-uh MAY-oos LAH-bee-os") so the girls can sound much more stilted and unnatural.
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Comments (22)
I did not understand the final "fashion show." At all. It was just bizarre, as so much of what this show attempts to pass off. I wonder if these fashion weirdos realize how normal people view them?
Teyomboy was slated to be winner from square one...in spite of her face looking like it's either a.) in a windtunnel or b.) like someone is pulling the sides up. She completely blew the commercial, but they kept her anyway. That's when her win was assured. but I won't remember her face by tomorrow. She's just not memorable.
Can't believe they fired Paulina. She gave far more relevant critiques than "Miss J" ever has.
1 of 22 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 18, 2009 1:17 PM
You know, I'm up in the air. I think it was neck and neck. This year, it didn't matter to me who won. I loved A's eyes, but T somehow appeared thinner and fitter body-wise. However, I do think T's 17-mag cover looked slightly better. So, either way, at least this year I would not have find myself hemorrhaging blood at either conclusion.
2 of 22 | Posted by anicho01 | Posted on May 18, 2009 1:34 PM
I agree with anicho01. I'd rather Allison had won, but I was fine with a Teyona win. Completely different than last cycle; when uh... what was her name? Annalynne? Gabriella? Oh well, when McKey and Samantha made it to the final two I was like "Shit!" You know, I get Seventeen magazine and I didn't need to see McKey's blank "I think Ukraine is the same country as Russia" face on the cover.
3 of 22 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on May 18, 2009 1:41 PM
I'm actully kind of glad that teyona won instead. Let's face it. Winning ANTM is like the begining of the end of their career. At least Alison has the chance to make it big with another agency and leave the 17-magazine, walmart crap behind.
4 of 22 | Posted by soft flesh | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:38 PM
I'm climbing aboard the "meh, don't give a crap who won" train.
J-Mo, you were the sole reason to watch this season, imo. I loved watching and wondering what you were going to have to say, and every week you cracked me up. What the fuck am I going to do without my weekly dose?!?!?!? I'm a J-Mo addict - and I don't want rehab!
Love you lots and lots. I can't wait to see what you'll be doing next.
SWAKKKKKKKKKKKKK, PottyMouth
5 of 22 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:47 PM
Teyom...who?
I saw no difference between her photo and Aminuts', but what do I know? I liked Aminuts' smile a lot.
Animeyes will do just fine.
6 of 22 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:47 PM
J-Mo thank you bunches for recapping this crap of a season! I sure hope you pick up another show soon. I will read whatever you do (I even watched Double Shot of Love just to follow your recaps). And I love that both you and Pop Princess referenced Danity Kane in your recaps today!
7 of 22 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on May 18, 2009 3:40 PM
sobby-sob, boobly-hoo, and sniffy-sniff's . . . how I will miss you weekly, J-mo!!! Can't u do Bachelorette or something . . .
Anyhoo, I was really proud of Anime and I bet she will do much more than Tey in the end, but I guess Tey's CG pic looked slightly better, tho I really was impressed with the 17 cover shoot, Anime was looking like such a cute, sweet normal girl. I also was impressed with how she turned it out in the end. I think I know what she meant by "stopped feeling lame" as it pertains to runway . . . I'd probably feel lame too. It's amazing that it's a skill to just walk . . .
Well, dahlink, hope to hear from you in the comments around until your next steady gig!!! Good luck with any shows you might do in the interim--HEART~!!!
8 of 22 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 18, 2009 4:41 PM
Oh J-Mo! I will miss you. I don't even watch this show - I just read your recaps. Please recap something else. I need all the humor I can get. You always make me laugh.
Hey did anyone else read that Port-what's-her-face is trashing Tyra? Too funny. All these celebrities on this show just seem mean. Tyra most of all.
9 of 22 | Posted by oldmomoftoddlerboys | Posted on May 18, 2009 7:36 PM
That final catwalk was not a real fashion show. Did you guys look at the audience? It was a bunch of underage students - no fashionistas at all. It was all a big Tyra stage production - totally staged for the finale, and not even in a good way like past seasons. I thought Animat was the most "model-esque" of the three, but as Paulina said in her "exit" interview, none of them are model material. It's usually the 4th, 3rd and 2nd place ANTM's that get jobs, so there's still hope for Anime Eyes and Animat. Time will tell.
10 of 22 | Posted by sillygrrl | Posted on May 18, 2009 7:49 PM
First, I want to say that both Anime-Eyes and Teyomboy are beautiful girls with beautiful bodies, but I've got to say: neither of these girls has a model's body. They both have short legs and their thighs are, well, not right. Anime might do OK if she tones up a little.
I think Aminuts would have wiped up the runway with either of them, so they couldn't let her make it to the top two, even though her commercial was the best and her photo was pretty good, in my book. I do believe Aminuts will work as a model and Anime will work as a print model.
I actually thought that the Seventeen connection would make Anime a shoo-in, since she has just the right soulful, Bella Swan type look that the teen girls swoon over.
11 of 22 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 18, 2009 9:19 PM
What was the name of the African-American model who pioneered magazine work in the '70s and '80s--Beverly...? Teyomboy reminds me of her.
12 of 22 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 18, 2009 9:21 PM
I also wanted Anime to win, but as it was already said, the winners never seem to have a decent career. All of the former contestants that I have known to be working regularly were amongst the final 4 or 5 but never the winner. Anime may or may not have a big runway career, but I guarantee she will do well in print. Her face is made for print ads. And AmINuts will be stomping a lot of runways, I believe. Teeomboy? Well... at least her pictures will be up in Walmart for a while. And she'll get those CG commercials during next season's show. Maybe she can snag a rich husband from one of those.
J-Mo, you better not stay away too long! If you do, I'll sic Ty-Ty on your arse. And you know she is scary! Enjoy your break and thanks for all of the great recaps!
13 of 22 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on May 19, 2009 4:34 AM
Oh dear, my young love Allison didn't win...robbed...i thought she looked VERY sexy during that greese orgy thing...and I think she was stronger throughout the competition...oh well...good on her for getting that far!
Get recaps! Hope to see something else from you soon....you can play in my sandbox anytime...
:)
14 of 22 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on May 19, 2009 5:28 AM
All of Teyona's whining and crying this episode just confirmed to me that she bores me to death. I wasn't at all surprised, because what Ty-Ty wants, she gets, and she so clearly wanted Teyona to win. However, the winners usually disappear and the runners-up get the good jobs, so yay for Anime!
Also, Teyona's writhing and weave-flinging scared the hell out of me. I half expected her to start speaking in tongues and spewing pea soup Exorcist-style.
Thanks for the great recaps J-Mo!
15 of 22 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on May 19, 2009 6:52 AM
Very funny! (Even tho I don't care either about the show, or it's apparently rigged contest).
16 of 22 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 19, 2009 9:23 AM
You're right, LAjane, it was all voodoo chicken ala Angel Heart!!!
And Pix, it's Beverly Johnson, and right now, or soon, she'll be judging "She's Got the Look" Maybe you can cap that one, J-mo! Nothing like some hot Mee-maw action!!!
17 of 22 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on May 19, 2009 9:24 AM
I'll miss your recaps, J-Mo. I won't miss this show, however.
18 of 22 | Posted by Clair | Posted on May 19, 2009 9:44 AM
Once again, they chose the lesser candidate! I think Allison was ROBBED! It's getting so ridiculous that I'm starting to think they do it on purpose, so the better girl CAN go on to have a career and not be stuck in the background of Cover Girl commercials. After all, aside from Adrienne, which winner do you actually see doing anything?! None of them. Just like American Idol!
19 of 22 | Posted by jadestarla | Posted on May 19, 2009 11:12 AM
J-Mo You are such a Rock Star!! It's way past my bedtime but I had to finish reading your recap. I swear to God it's so much better than the actual show.
Love you madly,
Yenta
20 of 22 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on May 19, 2009 7:23 PM
J-Mo,
well the end of another wonderful season of recaps. I wish I could say I was surprised by the ending, but seeing as Teyona's forehead is actually bigger then Ty-Ty's no one else ever had a shot at winning this thing.
You know we all gave Miss Jay-Moe a hard time this season but the guy was smarter then we gave him credit for. Those super ridiculous bow ties completely distracted from his outfits. Really how else does a guy on a fashion show still have a job after pretty much raiding Steve Urkel's closet for 12 epsiodes? Well played Miss Jay, well played.
I just wish the episode would have ended with Tyra giving Paulina a big kiss of death and saying "you broke my heart Paulina."
And seeing as Paulina will now only get to be snotty and mean to the people down at the unemployment office could I make a suggestion for her replacement? How about instead of getting another "judge", they get a house mother for the model mansion instead? I think it would be awesome (and I'm talking IHOP awesome) if they would bring Whitney Houston on the show. The girls could go out during the day and do supermodel stuff like pretend to be birds in nests, and then we could watch them interact with Miss Whitney all night long (because you know Whitney doesn't sleep for days at a time). I don't know about anyone else but I'd watch this.
Anyway J-Mo loved everything as always and can't wait to see what you get to write about next.
21 of 22 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on May 20, 2009 1:32 PM
hellooooooooooooooooooooooo has no one else realized there hasnt been a black winner since Danielle??
n that was wayyyyyyyyyyyyy back when lol i coulda told u this yrs winner was gonna be black from the first episode lol i just didnt kno which one of them it would be
22 of 22 | Posted by angelbayyb | Posted on May 20, 2009 4:44 PM