America's Next Top Model: Drink, Drank, Drunk

Ah, Gasmii, don't you just love technology? Especially the kind of technology that makes your computer crap out on you during the best, most interesting, most exciting (read: boozy) episode of ANTM this season? My apologies, kiddos. I'm gonna keep this week's ep to a wee-cap because really, do you need me to hammer home anymore that Marjorie gets nervous and Sam struggles to look like a model and Nigel is drop dead sexy? I'm pretty sure you've got all of those messages loud and clear by now. Instead, I'm gonna try a bit of a different format which will hit the main, hysterical points on the head. This way, I can save my energy and snark for tonight's finaaaaale and barring another crash of my hard drive, I promise to have that to you in a more timely manner than I've been posting lately. In fact, if not, I'll make arrangements to have a special gift sent instead...

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Throwing some juicy meat at you because Nigel Bear is going into winter hibernation after tonight...

Kissy Kissy Challenge!

P-Dubs!!!! So happy you're getting more screen time, even though you're looking like you rolled out of the wrong side of the coffin to join us.

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CW? I watch television to escape my life, not to be reminded that I am freaking terrified of aging.

Well, this week's lesson is that models frequently need to sell whatever it is that they're hawking without using words. This means that the girls have to pretend that nasty room-temp dead fish smell like roses. Why do I feel like male models/Elina would excel at this challenge? McKey's excited because the smell of dead fish reminds her of the beach in the morning. Sadly, this is not that inaccurate of a description of our hometown shoreline. Lake Michigan Mackerel all over the sand. I, however, don't hold the same nostalgia for the odor that McKey does. Let's see how each girl decides to sell that eau de herring:

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My vote is for Margie and her "(ph)ish makes me feel kinda stoned" rendition. Perhaps she actually went and smoked a bit. In which case, I say, it's about damn time!

As much as I love talking about ways to pretend that the smell of dead fish doesn't make me want to gag, let's get to the legit challenge. The girls get to audition for a Dutch commercial for a running shoe where they get to jog alongside a taxi. Said taxi happens to be chauffeuring around an extremely attractive gentlemen. High on endorphins, our Modelistas are so inspired by his smoldering good looks that they decide to lay a big smackeroo on him. The actor in this commercial will be played by none other than male supermodel extraordinaire Mark Vanderloo. (Cripes, I'm starting to sound like Tyra, aren't I?) Sam's acting like a junior high kid who's playing her first game of spin the bottle as she debates such classics like tongue or no tongue, close-mouthed or open-mouthed, to pounce or not to pounce.

In the end, it's mostly irrelevant because Sam takes a cue from Whitney and hams it up complete with an exaggerated mouthing of "Oh! My! God!" Tsk, Tsk Sam. Analeigh comes across as super natural and gets bonus points from me for grabbing Vanderloo's face in a really sexy way before diving into the kiss. As McKey runs, you can hear all the shit rattling around inside that empty head of hers and it's reflected on her face. Really, I think the girl forgets what she's doing halfway en route for some mouth to mouth. Margie decides that it's best to flash some fang.

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"All the better to eat your face with, my dear!"

At this point in the show, I start to heckle my TV because the much-touted preview of Margie attacking a male with her face was just for the audition! BOO! Tyra, you had me all worked up for the one episode of the season that promised sex and booze! I feel like I've been played. Even moreso when Marge, her crazy face, and her canines pull away with the win. Wait, really? Because if that's how Dutch women act when they see attractive men, someone needs to consult with ten-year-old Hoolia. That's right, I've been a serial crusher since kindergarten and it only took me a couple years to figure out that acting like a lunatic is not the way to go. There are a myriad of other ways to embarrass yourself in front of gentlemen. Margie? Care to show me what else you've got hidden up your magenta sleeve?

FALLING OFF THE VOLKSWAGEN:

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Comments (16)

Snootchy Bootches:

Well, as the seemingly only vocal Margie supporter, I'm sorry to see her go. I know that she wouldn't have won because of her commercials, but the girl definitely had better picture than Sam. Plus Sam is just ignorant. Seriously. Mean and ignorant. That girl clearly should go back to the trailer park. Oh well, she won't win either. The final two will be Analeigh and McKey. McKey will win, which is a shame. The judges salivate all over themselves when she is in panel, but I just don't see it. She isn't graceful. Her face isn't pretty. She poses nice, I think, but I wouldn't buy anything that girl is selling.

This brings me to a new rant. Why is it that my girl never wins? Let's face it, that Jaslene looked more like a boy than Isis!! Natasha really should have won. Ok wait, Carridee won over that douche whasshername. I did get that one. And Dani, I liked her. But Naima? Wtf? In fact, why do I watch this friggin show. CLEARLY this expert panel of judges doesn't know jack about picking top models? How successful has any of them been? I think Lisa has been one of the most successful since the show and they cut that bitch. (love her!) And remember in season one when they cut Elyse? What WERE they thinking? She is a big-wig model over in Asia now.

Ok, rant over. I feel better now.

slutty_whore:

Snooty.. Caridee won against Melrose. And I totally agree about Naima. Kahlen definitely deserved the title that cycle and had more progression than Naima, but the "writers" had the story of Naima breaking down her barriers (similar to Elina NOT doing that this cycle) and letting her emotions show. The "writers" beat us over the head with that theme throughout her cycle.

I was so glad to see Margie loosen up a little bit, but what did her in was the fact that it was too little, too late.

I think the winner will obviously be McKey because she's come the longest way and booked all of her go-sees, but Analeigh will have the bigger career because she is more versatile (commercial and high-end) and also able to do some acting, if she so chooses.

LisaMay:

Hoolia, you can count me in with the masses too because everytime I see Margie's shot, all I can do is laugh out loud. That was ridiculous, the way they had her hair and makeup made her look more like a scarecrow.

I Do Not Like McKey and I was so hoping the judges would point out SOMETHING wrong on her shot, (you know they can find something wrong if they want). How about.....her foot was coming out of the shoe so she didn't OWN it......anything!! Seriously, if McKey wins over Analeigh.......the girl Cannot act! And...she has a joker size mouth!

rubinia:

Whoo! Shout out to Wisconsin!

xmissparanoidx:

Analeigh for the win!

itchy:

I've been for Analeigh since the get-go...though my reasons don't have much to do with modeling. And that kiss she gave the guy just confirmed my choice.

Although I agree that McGee might be more readily marketable.

I actually was pleased for Marge, good on her for growing up a little bit. She really seemed much happier.

Sam was just canon fodder all along.

LAjane:

I'm still pulling for Analeigh for the win, but I think it's going to go to McKey, because I never pick the winner either. Helmet-head-wrestler-chick annoys the crap out of me.

juddfan:

Hoolia, I'm so sad we're at the end tonight! Sob!!! I still think this is a tight race, I'd say as a model it's Mckey, Sam and Ana, as a CG spokesperson, I'd say Ana, Sam and Mckey. Having Sam in the middle, I wouldn't completely rule her out, but I'd say if Mizz Jay said it was clear from the beginning, then I'd say McKey! I think she's beautiful, and always have, very modelesque, but I really like her attitude and she really can pull off those outrageous model outfits! All three could do well. Can't believe they don't drink though . . . . I thought they were young!?

carmelicious:

I so have to comment!

I agree that it was Margie's time to go (I understood her a little better after the wino-attack though) - but like I said last week, if you can't book jobs, then what is the point?

That being said, I thought the way she was treated at panel was total bullshit!

- So they tell her to calm the nerves and stop being so fidgety, she does, and they tell her she isn't "herself" anymore - um - assholes, make up your damn minds.

- Then AFTER she is kicked off, Tyra does a Margie impression that looks like a crazy chicken, hey way to kick a bitch when she's down!

I never really cared for Margie all season but I thought they could at least let her go with some dignity -

I kinda don't care who wins, none of them really have a back-story and frankly sober people on reality shows are boring - (c'mon, you know it's true, remember Lisa talking to that bush (Mr. It) - that was hysterical!)

carmelicious:

** I meant, Cousin It**

pixielated:

McKey is the last one left who looks like a model--so she probably has no chance!

She can book jobs and she photographs great. Sam is good in photos but too commercial. Analeigh's face is too yecchy. So Analeigh will probably win, though I think that two of the judges (Paulina and Miss Jay) don't like her. But that was true of Whitney, too.

As usual, I was just growing to like Marj when she was kicked off. She does look like a model, however, and when she grows up a bit, she'll do great. Same with Elina.

Hoolia:

juddfan - I too was surprised that none of the other girls drank. The only thing that I can think of is that these three have solid heads on their shoulders and wisely decided that it wouldn't be in their best interests for the competition to drink on the show. Plus I'm pretty sure all of them are underage so even though they're legal in Europe, they might not have wanted to be shown drinking because of that.

Carmelicious - I think the judges were more freaked out that not-nervous Margie wasn't calm, cool, and collected - she was still awkward just in a different way. I think Tyra misstated their opinions a little bit when giving the boot.

I'm really curious as to if you guys thought Margie really deserved to win the challenge... maybe I didn't make it clear enough in my recap but I thought that was completely bogus.

Also in a Cycle 11 footnote, did you guys hear that Tyra hooked Isis up with a doctor who is going to do the gender reassignment surgery for free?

georgiababe:

I agree with slutty_whore as far as careers go. McKey might win, but Analeigh has proved that she's more versatile.

I am on Team Analeigh, completely. She can do high-fashion, she can do commercial, she can act (I was SHOCKED that she didn't win the run/kiss challenge, because Marjorie just looked scary to me) and she's NOT a bitch for once.

And I thought that the intervention by the girls was incredibly sweet.

Analeigh kind of reminds me of myself, in that regard - I am about the same age as these girls, maybe a bit older, but I don't drink either and I would definitely have done the same as Analeigh in this situation. Although I disagree with your thoughts about Marjorie being the only virgin - Analeigh seems very innocent to me as well.

And they cut Marjorie's hair last week, will they PLEASE CUT MCKEY'S! It's HORRIBLE!

itchy:

Analeigh a virgin? Oh no, don't do that to me...no.

I agree about the challenge. If it had been up to the model guy, Analeigh would definitely have won. It was all over his face. Bet they're dating right now?

They should have brought Isis on the show AFTER the surgery. It would have been much cooler and she would have had a better chance at it.

sayhuh:

Oh, Hoolia, I agree with you that Marjorie's win was totally bogus. The only way she should have won for me would have been if they had been casting "Fatal Attraction: The Remake", because with all her twitching and hamming she totally looked like a psycho who could boil Mark Vanderloo's bunny.

All the people who don't like Mckey or her hair, just remember that it seems like every single photographer and designer who has worked with her in the show loved loved loved her (and even her stupid hair!) It might be the editing, but I don't think so.

juddfan:

ah-duh to me, I totally wasn't thinking they were under age, ah-duh twice!!!

I was okay with the intervention, I was pretty okay with Marge, but didn't think her win was right or expected either . . .

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