TVgasm Recaps

Last year, enough people buzzed about America's Next Top Model that I figured I'd check out the show this season, but unfortunately limitations on Tivo capacity and, you know, my desire to actually have a life beyond watching TV sort of killed that plan. TV trends don't pass me lightly though, so I finally buckled down and watched an episode. To my surprise, I thought it was really great. How could you not love the fascinating challenges, the interesting personalities, and the intense elimination process? Oh wait, I'm talking about The Apprentice. Sorry. No, despite all the talk, America's Next Top Model lacks a certain charm or intrinsic value that other reality franchises seem to have, but for what it's worth, the show was passable entertainment and certainly not out of range for some good old TVgasm snark.

[Editor's Note: As we look to expand the range of shows TVgasm covers, we are going to be trying out different writers to see what kind of feedback we get. Your favorites will get a chance at writing for TVgasm on a more permanent basis. Today's guest columnist is Jadedbitch, who is doing America's Next Top Model. E-mail us with any feedback or if you think you would like to write.]

We start off with Kelle the ugly duckling moaning on the phone to her father about the lack of
intensity in her eyes and her general bad looks. She then went on to whine, "Why do I have to
be black, daddy? WHY WHY WHY?" Well, not really. But if her father had been watching the show
for the past few weeks, he would've gotten the gist, along with the rest of America.

It's been a whole week since erstwhile aspiring model Kelle was ejected from America's Next Top Model which means that it's time for new women to fixate on body parts they just hate. Granted, no one else knows how to capture that Lifetime TV melodrama the way Kelle did as she gazed at her "snout" in the mirror for hours before collapsing into a bundle of tears, but Cassie and Norelle were willing to give it a run for the money.

Last night's show kicked off as a Very Sad Episode for Cassie. While all the other girls bounced around on their beds for no apparent reason (except maybe rampant coke use), Cassie moped on the phone to her boyfriend and informed him that he'd have to move to NYC. Uh, not so much. Boyfriend wasn't so keen on that. Ouch, another tough blow for Cassie who was still reeling from Anne writing in her low-carb brownies last week (seriously, you would have thought someone had drawn a swastika in there). As she hung up with her boyfriend, America wondered: Will Cassie ever be happy?????

[Guest writer: JadedBitch.]

Girls jumping around on their beds wearing nothing but skimpy tank tops and panties? It's Girls Gone Wild! No, actually it's just the opening scene for America's Next Top Model, cause you know, that's what all supermodels like to do with one another. We then zoom in on Cassie, who is busy doing pilates in her thong. Why, that's exactly what I wear when I do my leg circles! I just find it brings that much more freedom to the workout!

If anyone was wondering what book Tocarra was reading, it was Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha. I could tell by the blurred out cover. Though, later on in the episode, she apparently has finished with that novel and moved herself onto something else which I did not recognize. What a quick reader, that one! I guess when you're a plus-size, you don't exactly feel like bouncing around on beds or doing "The Hundred" in your gaunch.

Is America ready for its first plus-sized supermodel? Uh, no. That's what we learned in yet another gripping installment of America's Next Top Model. Yes, this week the Reubenesque run of Tocarra came to an inevitable halt as she was quietly erased from the group photo like so many failed models before her. It was a decision that Tyra Banks no doubt agonized over, seeing how she's lately become the resident Dr. Phil of the group. How much does Tyra care about her girls? A lot. In fact, the show kicked off with Tyra inexpliqueably bawling in bed about the fate of erstwhile model Cassie and her rampant bulimia. As she vented to a random woman that I'll assume was her mother (or maybe a transient drag queen), Tyra let us know that she cares, man. She really cares. It was a very Schindler's List moment as Tyra moaned that she could have done more to help. She could have done more! This gold ring - she could have sold it to pay for Cassie's therapy! This necklace - two more sessions. This pin - one more session. One more session!

Ever wanted to meet Tyra Banks? Or maybe Janice Dickinson? Or maybe even that British judge who looks like a character from Chicken Run? Well, now's your chance... sort of.

On December 15th, UPN will be throwing a red-carpet season finale bash for America's Next Top Model, an event that promises to be just slightly less shrill than a Bunim/Murray reality star convention. With any luck, all the cast members will be in attendance - ranging from the intellectually challenged Norelle to the cheeseburger inclined Tocarra. No word yet on whether Janice will be toting around a baby carriage full of blow.

Now here's the catch. TVgasm's preferred ticket brokerage, Stubhub.com, is offering tickets to this event, but don't get too excited just yet. The catch is that people pay $75 for a CHANCE to go to this ultra-exclusive/insignificant event, and in traditional raffle style, one winner will be selected to attend the party. Don't worry, all revenue goes to the Museum of Television and Radio. To put your name in the running, click here.

So where is this party? Well, it's venue, city and state are listed as "n/a in n/a, n/a". THANKS.

What's more fun than watching a bunch of model wannabes claw for survival in a cramped New York City suite? Watching them claw for survival in tiny Japanese cubby holes! This week's episode of America's Next Top Model took our plucky divas and transported them to the strange and foreign land of Japan where they did their best impersonation of a Sofia Coppola film (and for the record, I thought this show was infinitely more entertaining). Of course, any field trip to Japan would not be complete without a sendoff from UPN's promotional department. No, the women didn't receive complementary Smackdown T-shirts (at least, not yet). Instead they were paid a visit by Taye Diggs, who can presently be seen in Kevin Hill, which - oh by the way - airs directly after America's Next Top Model. Mmmmm.... UPN synergy. In other news, Scott Bakula just finished a stint on "Girlfriends" (he plays Sharif).

Was it me, or did last night's America's Next Top Model appear to be strikingly similar to The Amazing Race? After all, we had four models (not dating though) meandering around the streets of a foreign city, eventually getting lost and missing obvious locations. If Phil Koegan had popped up, I wouldn't have been surprised - although I would have been pleasantly amused.

For those of you just tuning in, the Asian odyssey of Ann, Eva, Yaya, and Amanda continued in full force as the gals dove into the wonderful world of Japanese street fashion, which is sort of like American punk except with pastels and a dash of pedophilia. Unfortunately, we never got to see Tyra slip into one of these ensembles, but I assume that's because her beluga-ish forehead has no place in Japanimation.

I have to admit, I had to get convinced that America's Next Top Model was going to be enjoyable television. Although nobody needs to give me an excuse to see a whole lotta Tyra Banks, I kind of brushed aside the show. I sat through a couple of scenes and realized I could do a lot worse than watching a lot of hot women do their thing. We started with fourteen then eliminated our way down to three just ladies left in the final episode. Amanda has gorgeous eyes, which are ironically failing her, and a great camera presence, but doesn't necessarily wow you in person. Eva is the girl with the attitude, a little short, a whole lot of spunk, but sometimes "doesn't deliver the big performance". Yaya is the afro-centric Ivy Leaguer, and perhaps best looking of the final three, but often makes us want to slap some humility upside her head. My only complaint is that we only had sixty minutes worth of finale to crown this year's winner.

We try our best to stay on top of things here at TVgasm, but the rigors of jobs and the desire for a social life sometimes prevents us from always being ahead of the curve. We didn't get into America's Next Top Model until somebody suggested it, and we completely missed out on the pleasures of Project Runway despite so many people telling us that we needed to get on that bandwagon (we eventually got on it in the form of a season marathon a few weekends ago). With all that in mind, we eagerly awaited our first Top Model selection show.

The selection show for America's Next Top Model was good, but there were way too many bitches to weed out. Now that we are down to a more manageable fourteen, we can move on to the more important tasks of makeovers, awkward poses, and three months full of Tyra, Janice, Nigel, and Nolé. Unlike American Idol, we put the hopes and dreams of our favorites in other people's hands. And although you can say that the judges know more than us because they, you know, work in fashion, I can't help but thing that they might have an off night one of these days and take down somebody who might be more deserving. But until I become famous and rename the show "J-Unit's Next Top Fantasy", I guess I will have to deal.

The early returns are in, and it looks like most people believe that this season of America's Next Top Model features a cast that really can't compare with last year's. While I sort of agree with that statement, I didn't get into the show until a number of girls were already eliminated. And although I think the judges got off to a bad start by eliminating Brita, perhaps the hottest member of this cast, I am starting to see the potential in this group. While they aren't exactly blowing us away with their presence in person, I have to admit that many of them are taking great pictures.

So, I hope that everybody has recovered from last week's America's Next Top Model. I know that it was Rebecca who had a seizure(OK, so I'm told it was a vasovagal syncope, but until I go to med school, I won't care) and fell over, but it was the audience that I was afraid would not be able to get up again. Most of us were having our own seizures, some may call them fits of laughter, and had to pick ourselves up off the floor. OK, I have to see it one more time, so here it is (scroll down for the video). How can ANTM ever top that sort of action. It may not ever happen, but at least you can try.

It seems like I am starting a lot of my posts with apologies these days. I am going to have to apologize once again. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to come up with a humorous Constantine mashup for the front page. It's not like you don't have a lot to choose from. Now that I am feeling very contrite, I can say that I am very happy to tell you that America's Next Top Model is as good as ever. What sort of glamorous story do we have in store this week? Flesh eating bacteria, of course! But these girls are so rational and down to earth, so I am sure nobody will freak out. Really.

Now that we are a little ways through this fourth cycle of America's Next Top Model, the decisions on the girls are starting to get a little tougher. On the whole, I am among those that says that this year's cast was not as great overall as last year's cast, but does that really matter? The more that I look at it, the more that I believe the top four or five from this season could easily stack up again last year's top five. True, this time around we have a few more people that were a little rough around the edges, but it is a learning process, and so we will wait for that true potential to show. Still, while they are learning to let their potential show, we have no problem laughing at them as they try and get there. And we have Tyra Banks to lead us through that journey. AWESOME.

So, I know what you have all came for, and yes, we have it. At the end of last week's America's Next Top Model, we were given a preview of Tyra tearing into somebody. There was a lot of speculation as to who it would be, and let's be honest there are plenty of candidates. I am not going to spoil the surprise, but I will tell you that it was well worth the wait. Tyra has solidified herself near the top of the reality speech hall of fame. She was so mad at the way everybody performed this week, she showed not one, but two girls the door.

You know, I have to start giving Tyra Banks more credit. While I love America's Next Top Model and have always believed that our host is one of the most gorgeous people on the planet, I also thought she was a figurehead. I imagined that she was the leader of a puppet regime and there were much more influential people behind the scenes. That still may be true, but after the emotion she put into her speech last week, I have a sense that she not only is interested in making good television for Bankable Productions, but she is also interested in changing the lives of the young women that she finds. Maybe I am falling for an act, but I took notice. The remaining seven contestants also took notice, and they started this week with the elimination of Rebecca and Tiffany fresh on their minds.

[Yes, the Amazing Race recap is coming - so simmer down!]

But wait! There's more. The girls get naked in one of the photo shoots and we were sent the video. No similarly uncensored bits have come available for America's Next Top Model, but I thought I would share some shots of the final four from Australia for those of you who were curious and, of course, Google. After the jump, nude(actually just topless) photos from Australia's Next Top Model (NSFW).

While I love that the entire season of America's Next Top Model has taken place in Los Angeles, it does deprive us of one of the greatest parts of the show, and that is watching the models as they travel. These girls have no clue what they are talking about when the background is American culture. And while it was nice when I had to augment everybody's knowledge Los Angeles (some appreciating it more than others), it would be even better if we got a wonderful "I eat Japanese, I love Panda Express" type of moment. So when I learned that the remaining six top models would be traveling to an undisclosed location, I could barely control my excitement.

Now that America's Next Top Model is down to it's last six girls, I have to start wondering about some troubling scenarios. For instance, what happens if my favorite goes home? Last year I was down with Pink Positive, so even when Norelle left, I had not trouble getting behind Anne and Eva. This year? Ugh. For me, there is not much after Naima, so you know that I was particularly upset when Tyra called her forgettable last week. Judging by how Naima has won the Cover Girl model of the week for, well, every single episode, a lot of people out there agree with me. Also, last week, I called out a girl, SS, for being a bad kisser. Well my friend, let's call him MP, says that after acquiring a few more data points, he wants to revise his statement. I owe you an apology SS. Sorry.

The whole time that America's Next Top Model has been filming in South Africa, we've had all of the standard tourist shots of Cape Town, the frolicking time on the safari, and the whimsical kloofing trip. The girls have been learning about the modeling industry, but Tyra doesn't think that is the only lesson they should learn. With only four people remaining emotions are already running high, and after a trip to a ghetto and a prison brings them face to face with South Africa's apartheid past, things really start to boil over.

So we've finished another season of America's Next Top Model, and Bankable Productions has a fan for life. During this cycle, we had three girls who each represented different parts of the modeling spectrum. Kahlen has a classic beauty with classic proportions and she photographs great, but meeting her in person does not give the same kind of energy. As a spokesperson, Keenyah is your girl. She wows you with her presence, but at the same time sometimes leaves a little to be desired in her pictures. While she isn't fat by everyday standards, her weight and inability to control her appetite is becoming a problem. Naima has edge and flavor and takes good pictures, but her potential is masked by a subdued demeanor that at the same time is begging to get out.

Janice was generally the harshest critic when it came time to see which model was to be eliminated. She was never one to shy away from making people cry, and loved to let her personality go on display (as well as her nipples sometimes). She will be replaced by Twiggy Lawson, perhaps the most famous supermodel of the 60s (if not the first, as Janice claims to be) and our favorite (wo)man, J. Alexander.

As most things in Hollywood, it probably didn't end as mutually as people would like for us to believe, but the rest of the judges still have a good dynamic, and her departure isn't going to take away from the show. Still, there are some things that Janice brought that are going to be hard to replace, like the making out with Tyra in the middle of a show. If you don't remember, we have the full clip after the jump.

Click on Shandi to hear her cry.

If there's anything we know about reality stars, it's that they always cheat on their loved ones. In season two of America's Next Top Model, contestant Shandi betrayed her home town honey by sleeping with another man in Italy. Click on the pic above to hear the vintage audio clip of her blubbering confession.

So, I need a little help here. Recently, I offered a DVD screener of one of the most memorable episodes in the history of America's Next Top Model. In return, I only asked for a little help in sweeping Tyra Banks off of her feet. That's right, you write one letter and you get a free DVD. More importantly, you will have my eternal gratitude.

I have received half a dozen letters so far, all very poignant and sincere, but the season premiere is still two weeks away, so you slackers still have time. Don't worry, I understand the delay, as even my own sister hasn't yet taken the time to help me out. It's kind of depressing actually. So depressing, it makes me wonder if I should just rm -rf tvgasm.com and be done with the whole thing (for anybody who got that joke, I am just kidding).

For the full details click here. Send your submissions to j-unit@tvgasm.com. And if magnetic poetry is more your thing, you can try for a DVD with disturbing toilet seat imagery as well.

I have been anticipating the new season of America's Next Top Model for some time, and it couldn't have come on a better day. After lamenting all of the bad things that happened on Tuesday, everybody in the TVgasm offices, nay everybody in America, needed a pick me up. While some people were still hoping the find enjoyment out of some dirty box in a dirtier hole (we're not talking Janice Dickinson folks), a good portion of us were focusing on something entirely more entertaining. That's right, it was a TWO HOUR premiere episode of America's NextTop Model. I rarely ever get the privilege of recapping two hour premieres or finales, so that combined with my usual heightened state of arousal whenever Tyra enters the television screen makes it for one happy evening. It's so much stuff, I'll have to give it to you in two parts.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 5 started out with a bang this week when Tyra and company introduced us to our new set of wannabe divas. I like selection shows as much as the next guy, but unless it is your first time watching a particular series, you pretty much know how things are going to go. The real magic begins when people start living together and they have to compete. To some, using the word compete with the word modeling doesn't make any sense, but any fan of the show will tell you that the competition is as fierce as you can imagine.

Sorry about the extraordinarily lame title for this latest episode of America's Next Top Model. I have been starting a lot of recaps with apologies lately, so I figured that one more time ain't going to hurt. I probably could have spent a few more minutes thinking of a better title, but "Extreme Makeover: Model Edition" hopefully puts one more nail into the coffin that is the "Extreme Makeover: [Insert Word Here] Edition" joke that is used way to often, and perhaps it will be enough to kill off the show as well)Extreme Makeover, not ANTM!), or at least help all of those lawsuits along. But back on topic, this week marks the time for the model makeovers, always one of the greatest episodes for ANTM. We may argue about a lot of the things that the judges think, but when it comes to makeovers, they know their stuff. The girls are given a look by the judges to varying degrees of success. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not, but the most important thing is to work it out. You know, do your thing, on the runway, like a Supermodel! Somebody should write a song about it.

If you are anything like me - and to be quite honest I hope you are not too much like me because I am kind of a jerk, and I don't want to think all of the people who read my babblings about Top Model are jerks - you were quite distraught over being pre-empted for a baseball game. To make matters worse, this wasn't the World Series or even the clinching game of the series, but a stupid game 2. If people can't afford to buy cable to get the game on ESPN, well, maybe they should listen to the game on the radio. And isn't this something that KCAL is supposed to be bothered with? But whatever, I got over the slap in the face from networks, and realized I would just have to wait until Saturday. I had originally planned to watch it last night and blog it right away, but I decided that I would go and watch Serenity. Although NBCU gave screenings to every blog and their sister, they somehow left TVgasm off of their blog sphere of influence. How that happens is beyond me, but I still thought it was worth $14, if for nothing else than to see Julia Mililken kicking some ass other than that of Sherry Palmer.

Well, I was happy to see that the people that run the UPN 13 network in Los Angeles came to their senses this Wednesday and decided that it wouldn't be a wise idea to ruin their best night of television, and kept their lineup strong with America's Next Top Model at the 8PM time slot like we have all come to expect.

It's debatable whether the judges sent home the correct girl last week. Sure, Sarah was awkward, but you would think that they would have realized that keeping Kim and Sarah together for a few more weeks would have been gold. No matter how that relationship turned out, they couldn't lose. They either get lots more night scenes of girls making out which, quite frankly, gets guys and girls excited to watch, or they get to see Sarah's heart get broken as Kim treats her like a piece of meat. Humiliation at the hands of the people you love the most. Yep, sounds like Hollywood to me.

So, quite obviously, I am very late on my recappage for the week, and it's quite a shame, because the latest installment of America's Next Top Model was one for the ages. This entire season has been great, but when you get not one, but two different cat fights, with two different participants in each one, you know that there is a lot of drama building in the house. And let's face it, any time you get that many girls living in one place, there is bound to be drama. Put a bunch of women in the same place, and they will start competing. Seriously, they can create a competition while standing in line for Starbucks. They can create rivalries ordering drinks at the bar. They will go to blows over a pair of shoes or a skimpy top. Personally, I can't get enough, and if you are getting all of this when there is an actual competition going on with actual consequences and a life-altering chance at success on the line, there really isn't anything better on television.

After last week's America's Next Top Model, you sort of had to wonder if there would be any drama left for this week. We have narrowed the field down enough that we are getting to the point where you could make a case that any of the remaining girls could be the next top model. There is sort of a sense of anticipation not only because there are fewer and fewer weeks until we are finished, but you know that the stakes are high for all of these girls right now. The girls have invested a lot of time and energy into the process by this point, which makes being sent packing all that more difficult. And yes, I know the title wasn't original, but I laughed so hard at m_ruvs newsgasm title, I thought I would pay homage.

When we last checked in with America's Next Top Model, the judges said buh-bye to Kyle, who was arguably the best looking woman among those still left in the competition. The judges picked Kyle for elimination over Bre because they though she was too safe, and they didn't think she was showing improvement. As we are now down to the final six girls, the pressure is really mounting. The models see that the end is near, and the possiblility of winning is either going to push them to succeed or cause them to wilt under the pressure. And either way, it should be fun to watch.

If you are unfamiliar with the situation, Tyra and Naomi are not really the best of friends. In fact, Tyra says that dealing with Naomi Campbell is one of the reasons she has all but left that part of the world of modeling. When Tyra came on the scene, there was an unwritten rule that there can only be one black supermodel, and Naomi wouldn't let go. TVgasm has a similar unwritten rule, and as soon as we find that other half-black guy or girl, we aren't letting any more in. Anyway, Tyra is going to confront Naomi on the Tyra show today, Friday November 18th (check local listings). I meant to post this yesterday to give people some advance notice, but since TVgasm is so popular these days, I had a little trouble. Luckily for all of you who don't check TVgasm before you go to work, school, or day care, Oxygen replays the show several times, so make sure to set your Tivos or VCRs if you won't be able to catch it when it airs in your town.

Tyra's doing all of this because you girls hate on each other so much. She's been feuding for 14 years, but now it's all about sisterhood. And, really, aren't we all for sisterhood, especially when it doesn't involve traveling pants? That's what I thought.

UPDATE: Oh, it will be blogged. It BEGS to be blogged.

America's Next Top Model has given us a lot of interesting moments this year. For example, if I had said that Steve-O and Chris Pontius and Jason Acuna would be on a television show with some models and that somebody would have pissed themselves in an adult diaper, who would have thought it would be one of the models? Tyra had one of the best reality moments of the year when she went off on Tiffany, but nearly equaled it when she eliminated both Jayla and Nicole, bringing them to tears, only to say it was all a joke, that none of them were eliminated and everybody was going to London. I for one wouldn't mind having a squiz at any of these fit birds or having them give me a good toss. Well, except for maybe Kim; her cods might be bigger than mine.

Ahhhh, America's Next Top Model. Is there any better hump day respite than seeing a bunch of modeling wannabes compete for a Cover Girl contract and Tyra Banks' affection? Over the last few episodes, we got rid of perhaps the prettiest girl in the whole competition (Kyle), fake eliminated two girls only to let them continue on to London (Nicole and Jayla), and most recently, sent the girl who was taking the most consistently fierce photos (Lisa) back to Los Angeles, where she was last seen dealing with the pain by soaking in a bubble bath, talking to her potted fern, and finishing off a case of Two Buck Chuck. Once again, there are complaints that this group of models aren't really model material, but I once gain remind everybody that part of the reason for this show is great TV. Anybody who has actual talent that made it as a finalist will have enough publicity to get a good head start on a career, and so while we may not remember any of the remaining girls because they will grace the cover of Vogue in a few years, at least they are giving us plenty of drama every Wednesday. Some people may have wondered if Lisa's departure would jeopardize the amount of conflict in the house, but after one week without her, we can say that is definitely not the case.

It's Final Four time on America's Next Top Model, and that means we only have two episodes left. Looking back, this has been a great season. While The Amazing Race changed its format and started to decline, and Survivor continued its assault on our sanity by plaguing us with returning cast members, ANTM stuck with its core format and remained one of the most enjoyable shows on television. Sure we may have changed the panel up a little bit, and so we aren't getting quite the number of theatrics at the end of the show, but the girls fighting for the crown have supplied us with incontinence, lesbian romance, and everything in between. If that's not the mark of a great reality show, I don't know what is.

Here we are with another season finale of America's Next Top Model. Once again, we have three beautiful girls, and while there used to be a lot of dram going on in the house, the girls are all so focused on winning that none of that bullshit seemed to matter. Our remaining top model contenders each had parts of their game that they would have to improve upon to impress the judges. London is their last chance to show that they are top model royalty. Nicole is the natural beauty and the definition of youthful exuberance, but there are questions about her personality and her willingness to use more than her pretty face to strike a pose. Bre is the girl with the great personality that everybody wants to work with and has improved almost every week, but has she improved enough to go from being pretty to being a model? And then we have Nik. She has a gentle personality, but a slamming body that always turns fierce in front of the camera, but does she have the confidence to be a spokeswoman and handle all of the pressure? Who will be crowned queen? Let's find out.

Last night marked the return of America's Next Top Model. Once again, the models begin their journey in Los Angeles, and although I already knew who the thirteen finalists would be because the official website of Cycle 6 doesn't make it a secret, that doesn't mean the selection show is any less enjoyable. There are plenty of great personalities, plenty of beautiful young women, and if that isn't enough to get you excited, we were also able to fit in a visit from Janice Dickinson and a bunch of models getting naked for money. Grab a cup of coffee, because we have two hours worth of diva recappage to get you through the day.

The makeover episode is always one of the most enjoyably during a season of America's Next Top Model, so forgive me for once again going the cheap and easy route when it comes to the title of the recap. But none of that's important. The reason I love the makeover episode is that we really get to see the vision the judges had when they picked these girls out in the first place. I think initially, it is not that difficult to look at these girls and tell if they are attractive or not. What the makeover does is start to help us determine if these girls are going to make it in the world of high fashion. Like I said before, the judges have a vision, and you think that after all of these seasons, the girls would learn to trust the judges instincts. Really, has there ever been a makeover that made any off these girls less attractive? Now that would be interesting- the reverse makeover. I wonder if Tyra would try it someday.

Many people have been lamenting this year as the ugliest in the history of America's Next Top Model, but I have to disagree. For me, it is playing out like many previous seasons. The judges think they saw something in somebody, but after the makeover, sometimes girl's unique look may end less fierce and more fugly (thanks Lluvy). ANTM was not created because there is a lack of models in the world, and so I tend not to worry that I may never see the winners of this competition modeling again after CoverGirl stops forcing them upon us. And now that I am done with the lecture, we can get back to the show. Each week is another chance for these girls to step up and prove that they have what it takes to be a diva. At least one girl wanted to prove that she had more game than the rest.

Last week on America's Next Top Model, Jade put the rest of the competition on notice that she was there to compete and there to win. We may have thought that she was just another mannish-looking, over-the-hill diva with no chance to win, but she showed us that she is a mannish-looking, over-the-hill diva that won't let such things as giant hissing cockroaches or Betty White's hairdresser get in her way to that sixth or seventh place finish and a future invite to The Surreal Life. For those of us who still believe that Jade was overrated(we know she is a huge bitch), we had a visit from none other than Janice Dickinson to spice things up. And if that doesn't get your blood flowing, there were some male models on set that really "heightened" the "tensions" in the room.

I like to pretend that I have a decent feel for what is going on with America's Next Top Model, but every now and then an episode comes around that really makes me wonder what in the hell is going on. These models may not make it to the cover of Victoria's Secret, and it is more than likely that we'll never see them again, but that doesn't mean you don't develop favorites. This week's lessons were all about acting, and although the winner of one of the challenges would get a guest role on Veronica Mars, everybody was worried that a poor performance in the photo shoot would mean that they would take their own curtain call.

Last week on America's Next Top Model, I was very upset because Mollie Sue was eliminated. I generally don't care what shenanigans the producers pull to discover the next top model, but in general I want them to start out with a good face. After that, a slamming body and good pictures would be next, followed closely by presence on the runway, and only after that would I care if somebody had a diva attitude and looked great in commercials. The show starts by saying they want a girl who is fierce, fabulous, and fresh. Nowhere does it say that she needs to be a huge bitch. With that being said, I have way to much emotional investment in way too many television shows, so I am not going to let these people get to me. I hope.

One of the most difficult parts about watching America's Next Top Model this year is that I knew that my favorite, Danielle, could not win. No, I haven't lost my love of all things Sara, but without the "h" she is somehow a little less appealing, not that I wouldn't return her phone calls should she decide semi-employed bloggers are better than Senator's aides. Sara doesn't have "it" like I think Danielle has "it". Danielle has been taking the most consistent pictures all year, has a great personality, and sort of actually cares about the other people in the competition. There's just a slight problem with that mug of hers, specifically the grill. She has a big gap in her teeth and in general, that's not a feature people associate with beauty. It's a problem Danielle doesn't suffer through alone; Joanie has a case of summer teeth: summer teeth go this way, summer teeth go that way. Personality can take you a long way in this competition, but it's not going to pay for eighteen hours in a dentist's chair, and it won't make you a Cover Girl.

America's Next Top Model is now down to the final six, and that means that it is time to send the girls overseas to another exotic location. Last week we got rid of Brooke, the busted model that nobody could fix. The only model that Tyra was able to fix was Joanie, who got a new set of porcelain veneers that fixed the only thing that was really holding her back, which was the jacked teeth. The judges have always put a priority on girls who have shown that they can improve, and Joanie sure has that ability. She's risen so far, I think we can call her the favorite. Then again, leaving Los Angeles is a whole different world, or continent as the case may be, so you never know what kind of surprises Tyra and crew are going to have waiting for us.

With only a few episodes of America's Next top Model left, I guess it is time for me to own up and admit that this is, appearance-wise, one of the most janky seasons to date. Yes, I know that I have been one of those "it's really a television show, not a modeling competition" folks who say that we should enjoy all of the reality moments, and I will admit that Jade has given us plenty of those, but overall I think that it has been more busted than beautiful. That being said, I think that we have in Joanie and Danielle two candidates who are attractive, possess modeling talent, and actaully have decent personalities. Hopefully, these girls have end game, because if any of the other three win, well, let's just say it's going to get really ugly, or as some of us like to say, really Furonda.

I have found a fairly comfortable place for myself during these latest episodes of America's Next Top Model. Of the girls that are left over, my favorites are Danielle and Joanie, and I am pretty sure that the two of them are going to be in the final two. Sara really hasn't been in the game long enough to be a threat and if Jade wins, I'll probably jump off of a building or something, so I don't like to talk about that. But I also have come to the realization that my favorite is not always going to win. And I think we all must come to the realization that sometimes the person with the most talent isn't always the person who finishes first in these competition reality shows. Sometimes the producers need a surprise near the end to keep people watching *cough*American Idol*cough*., and sometimes people just have bad days. This week, the Top Models went on their go-sees, and for the ladies and buck-toothed photographer fetishists all over the world, we finally got to see Nigel on the beach.

There was some technical issues last night so there wasn't a full archive of the show, but we'll have them fixed tonight and I'll post the archive tomorrow morning. If you are having trouble with the QuickTime, make sure you download the latest version. If you want to try and play the movie without using your browser, download the movie file here. See you all tonight, our live stream is up now if you want to test your setup.

Sorry for the delay in my latest recap for America's Next Top Model. Various circumstances conspired to keep me from my recap, but that doesn't mean I didn't love this episode. As the weeks have gone by, we have pretty much seen how things were going to shake out. After Nnenna was eliminated, the only two girls that most of us thought worth of the prize were Joanie and Danielle. Sara just didn't have enough experience and Jade just doesn't have the demeanor to be a Cover Girl spokeswoman. All three have been taking great pictures and Joanie and Danielle have been almost scary in their consistency. Which of these girls have what it takes to be America's Next Top Model? Let's find out.

Something tells me that this season of ANTM is going to be really good. Yes, there are new graphics, a new set for the judging panel, and a lot of new hype for being on a new network, but I just have this feeling we'll be talking about this one for a long time. Then again, I guess we should all meet the potential divas before we get too excited. Thirty three hopefuls came to Los Angeles with a dream to become America's Next Top Model, and by the end of the two hour episode, twenty-two of them would have their hopes under the cruel Vivian Westwood-esque heel of reality modeling. I can't wait!

America's Next Top Model, The CW, 10/4/06

This season of America's Next Top Model has been very frustrating to me. Never have I seen so many girls do so little with so much potential. Outside of the Grudge Twins, I think that this has been a pretty good season as far as looks go. But when it comes to the pictures most of them, including my favorites, still have a long way to go. When I am trying to envision who is going to be wining this competition, I try to think of who would be on the cover seventeen, who would have a good life as a Cover Girl, and who has the capital I-T "IT" that would make them successful in the real world. I can honestly say I don't think I know if any of the grils fits that description, which is a little troublesome considering how far alonf we are on in this competition. However

The funniest part, of course, is that I actually spend a lot of time during the week contemplating questions like that, but since I know that I am here among family, I don't mind saying that out loud. Besides, I still have faith in Ms Bankable, so let's see if she can come up with a "novel" idea on how to get some separation among the remaining top models.

If there was anything that could save the season with only threee episodes left, it seems like the judges realized in the last few eliminations that they need to throw out some of the gimmicks just in case somebody unfamiliar with the show turned it on one night and thought that it was actually an open audition for the sequel to House of a 1000 Corpses instead of Seventeen Magazine and Cover Girl. We could only hope that their most recent epiphany could save this season from becoming one big joke.

Full story after the jump.

This cycle's batch of girls is the ugliest yet, but I don't care because it also stands a chance at being the crazy-bestest yet. I mean, A RUSSIAN MAIL-ORDER BRIDE?? How can you top that? I'll tell you how: You can't.

Although they did get rid of my favorite contestant first, there is still plenty of crazy to go around, so buckle up, this is gonna be fun.

Previously on ANTM: Mother Renee rubbed pretty much the whole world the wrong way. Jaslene was one of only a few who rocked the photo shoot, while loveable egghead Kathleen couldn't not like fur. I can see her point. I mean, it makes you look hot. There were also 11 other crazy hos, all competing to be America's Next Top Model.

This week the girls go back to school to learn to walk. There's an obscenely large trophy, jealousy and tears. Ah, sounds just like high school.

Tyra's call for forced gratitude went even further as she demanded NO CRYING during the makeovers this year. Would the girls listen or would her cry for maturity go unheeded? I mean, the title of this week's episode is "The Girl Who Cries All the Time," so things aren't looking too bright...

Finally! A Renee-centric episode! JUST WHAT I WANTED, Tyra, how did you know? Mother Renee is either the most self-aware evil person I've ever seen, or the most evil evil person I've ever seen, and in an attempt to bridge the rapidly-forming gaps between her and the rest of the girls, she vows too change her ways for the better.

But other things happened besides Mother Renee's official canonization. This show further devolved and we were treated to a challenge that seriously made me wonder if I was watching Zoolander. Plus, Tyra got to play out her fantasy of murdering every wannabe model under the age of 27. Fun!

Sorry for the delay in this recap, everyone. My DVR chose not to record ANTM last week for NO REASON, which was just wonderful. But I caught the rerun this Sunday evening and here we are! It turns out this episode was well worth the wait as the focus was centered on my favorite Russian and favorite model PERIOD, Natasha. Plus, I figured out who Diana reminds me of. I'll give you a hint, he's very devoted to wilderness fire prevention.

According to the previouslies for this week Natasha struggled in her photo shoots, though she was the second one called last week, so I smell misdirection. Renee was a bitch, despite her best efforts, while Dionne was slammed for her lack of style. Nine girls remain, who's going home tonight? (Or last Wednesday, as it were.)

I mean, the title of this recap says it all. This was a glorious, if ridiculous episode. I know people have been griping about the quality of the photo shoots, but honestly, who watches this show for the modeling really? Come on, it's about skinny bitches making drama and tonight was a spectacularrrr example of that.

This week the girls had to make up one-word nicknames à la Twiggy. Some are clever while others come up with names along the lines of "Wholahay." You think I'm kidding. At a party filled with honest-to-God celebrities, Nicole Richie wastes no time getting in the middle of the dra-ma and snags just that much more TV time for herself. Also, 50 Cent disappoints THE WORLD when, instead of popping a cap in Jael's ass for being an annoying shit, he responded by throwing her in the pool (And you say I have no street cred? I mean, I don't, but where has yours gone, Fitty? [Not that I really wanted him to shoot her. I know some people have gotten touchy.]) And there's so much more including a verbal smack-down, the entire house ganging-up on Renee, as encouraged to by Tyra, and the return of MELROSE. Like I said, this episode is GOLD.

In other news, this week we might as well have called ANTM The Dionne Show, just for the sheer volume of her one-liners. Girl was always funny, but this week took the cake. It is now clearly established that there are three mothers in the house (Yes, Natasha has a baby and not a cat as previously thought), and when Renee and Dionne get visits from their children thanks to a challenge win, and Natasha doesn't, things don't looks so good for our favorite Russian. Seven girls will be wheedled down to six (yay, halfway point!). Who's going home tonight?

Did you know Australia is a fashion capital of the world? I kind of had an inkling cause I met a couple Australian girls in a hostel in Florence last year who wore heels while sightseeing. And Florence doesn't really have public transportation, so sightseeing basically involves walking from one end of the city to the other. In heels. That's some freaking COMMITMENT to FASHION. Anyways, this week, the girls go to Australia so Tyra can plug Australia's Next Top Model.

But all in all, it's a solid episode. I mean, it included a scene where Tyra greeted the girls in a ratty kangaroo costume and her wig almost fell off! CLASSIC. Once down undah, the girls have to film a Cover Girl commercial in an Australian accent. And this could spell doom for just about all of the girls, from our favorite Russian who can barely speak English, to Jael... who can barely speak English. So who goes home tonight?

Thankfully, there's no Australian theme this week, and we get a double photo-shoot to make up for last week's complete lack of picture-taking. Also, the competition tightens, as I can see just about every girl left as America's Next Top Model. Yes, I have my favorites, but I think it's possible any of these girls could win. But first thing's first...

But Natasha's not the only one who struggled. Dionne is not a dancer. I know, shocking, considering she's such a warm presence. Can she pull through? It's getting down to the wire and harder and harder to predict who's going home, so all the girls must be at the top of their game. So who got the boot? Read on...

Also, I apologize for the lateness in posting this recap. Major technical issues this week with my PIECE OF CRAP computer. Anyways, Today's episode is jam-packed with dreams, both crushed and fulfilled. Read on to see who wins!

***Note From the Editor: Krank Mills had a last second "real life" commitment to attend to, so the ANTM recaps will be taken over by one of your favorites....the lovely, the fantastically brilliant, the sublime and stick thin....PACHITA!!!

It's baaaaaaaack! America's Next Top Model is back with cycle 9 and I am one excited chalupa. I LOVE this show. If there is one thing I don't mind watching all day long (because have you SEEN the ridiculous marathons they've been having?) it's ANTM. This show makes me realize; it's not what you look like that makes you standout, its what you look like with loads of makeup, a weave, and professional lighting!

Anyways, as it was just decided today that I would take on Cycle 9, I wanted to post a quick look at our top 13 so we could gab about the girls before the fun starts tonight! That said, I'm going to dive right in and hope for the best.

Bigger was better, baby!

My apologies, gang, for the late recap. We moved to a new place this weekend and it turns out moving SUCKS. Plus, my cable and internet provider has a pact with Satan to destroy me. Anywho, I will do my best to have the recaps posted by Friday from here on out. And away we go!

Welcome to sunny downtown LA, where the ANTM top 13 start the grudge match to determine who really wants to be on top. This week's episode is chock full of teen-friendly information: the dangers of smoking, the saving of water, the offensive things you can say about people's personalities and professions, oh my! Is it just me, or is Tyra really upping the "check me out, I'm just like Oprah" this season?

You wanna be on top?

Welcome back for another exciting installment of Americas Next Top Model! Joining me for a night of ANTM, wine, Gossip Girl, more wine, and Thai (hookers) food is my girl Cakes, so there may be some reference to her being gay somewhere in here. This week is full of Bianca being nasty, Heather drop-kicking Asperger's in the face, and Twiggy meeting her Single White Female protégé. I don't know about you, but I are pumped, who wants to be on top?

It's okay little nymph, don't be scared.

I have to say, I was so super mega excited for makeovers I had my shears and makeup laid out to give myself one along with the show. Unfortunately, I was a little disappointed by it. Actually, I take that back, it's incredibly fortunate. The other times I've tried to cut my own hair I scared the neighbors' children really badly and was banished to my room until it grew back. Let's look at the infamous makeover episode and see who got clipped, shorn, coiffed and goosed this week on America's Next Top Model!

The makeover show got here just in time!

So, after last weeks pathetic attempt at a makeover episode, I set myself up for nothing this week. 'Pach, I'm worried sick, were you disappointed?' you ask? Actually I found it quite entertaining. After all, it had gargoyles, and I love those zany statues! Who else loved watching Gargoyles on Saturday mornings?! ... Just me? You are a bunch of dirty liars.

Welcome back gang for another not-so-exciting installment of Americas Next Top Model! While the episode itself was ho-hum, I must say one large WOW to the ending. Its not that I was surprised, it's just... well, yeah I guess I was surprised. Find out why, after the jump!

This just in: T-Bo is not to be messed with.

So I know we all could have done without a "season so far" episode, but not all hope is lost. We were given a couple of things to discuss. Not very exciting things, mind you, although Mila did make a guest appearance to remind me to sleep with the light on. But hey, I work with what I've got. So, what did we find out about the girls that we didn't know yet? Chantal's really a man! Bianca's a zoophiliac! Heather was misinformed and actually has... nothing at all. Find out what went down behind the scenes, after the jump!

And my therapist thought I was making such great progress...

This week on Americas Next Top Model, three words. Enrique. Freaking. Iglesias. Oh, Enrique, how I te quiero! Remember the good old college days when KB and I would do interpretive dances to "Escape" after a night out at the bars? Or even while still AT the bar if we were lucky enough to find a juke box that played your sweet, sweet, melodies? We sure were mucho loco, no? Or how about that time you cast Jennifer Whore Hewitt instead of me for your "Hero" video even though we both know fully well that I would have made a fantasmical negligee-clad captive? Its okay, I've forgiven you. Let's just go back to the way we were. Okay, mi piquena col? Besos!

You can be MY hero, baby

This week on Americas Next Top Model, those looking for a Project Runway crossover kinda got their wish! To be honest, I was a little disappointed that Heather versus the world wasn't quite as epic as the previews led me to believe. We also had a close encounter with a creature that nearly sent me to the hospital, as well as some big news! Find out what went down, after the jump...

Hey Ambreal, is that your hand on my thigh?

My sincere apologies for the late recap guys, but you just wouldn't believe what happened. I had just finished spreading cheer to terminally ill children at local hospitals and rawhides at the animal shelter when a van pulled up beside me and masked men threw a burlap sack over my head and tossed me into the car. They held me for a week for no reason at all. It was strange, we played a lot of poker. I tried my best to get on the internet but my captors weren't too keen on the "I swear, I just need to post me recap!" bit. Ah well, on with the show!

Now just put my head on the cat and that was my weekend.

So, lets get real gang, this season is just not up to par. And it's a shame, because I love me some America's Next Top Model. Last night was go-sees, one of the best episodes of the season, and I personally thought it was a total bust. It was more of a letdown than talking to cute boys and realizing afterwards that you had something in your teeth, or finding out that Santa isn't real and your mom didn't even like those cookies you kept leaving out for him so she would just throw a few away, or building yourself up for weeks to ask your boss for a raise, only to be told that not only are you doing a substandard job in their eyes, but everyone thinks you have a bad attitude. Okay wait, maybe not that last one, considering this episode didn't send me straight to the floor of my closet with a bottle of wine and box of tissues. But, I digress. What did we learn from go-sees? Shanghai has really bad traffic.

Seriously, dude on the bike, if you don't get out of my way or at least start going in the right direction I'll have to introduce my bumper to your face.

Does that actually work? I guess it does since you're reading this. Booya! Okay, now that I've got your attention; yes, this show is still on. And no, it has not gotten any more exciting. In fact, with each cut it has been getting less exciting, if you can believe it. My boyfriend decided to not leave the room when it came on this week and cocked his head and said "but... all of these girls are ugly." Don't worry, it wasn't one of those cheesy "they're nothing compared to you, darling" moments, this batch of ANTM hopefuls just falls short. With my strippa back stripping and Heather no longer terrorizing people 7 days after watching a nonsensical video tape, I found myself hoping throughout the shoot that the Great Wall would come crashing down on the lot of them.

Memories, like the corner of my mind...

Well kids, the time has come for this Cycle of America's Next Top Model to come to an end. That's right, the reign of T-Bo, with all her bad advice (see makeovers), hypocratic decisions (see Sarah) and Godzilla-sized ego is over (see final runway show). But what do we think of the winner? I'm sure by now all of you are familiar with SaleishaGate '07, which I personally think makes it a perfectly disappointing end to a completely disappointing season. What's that? You don't know of this? Not to worry, I'm a champion super sleuth (remember?), and I've got the lowdown. Welcome to a special edition of TVGasm Investigates.

SCANDALOUS!

Well Gasmii, the task has fallen on me to recap Cycle 10 of America's Next Top Model and I couldn't be more excited. Many of you probably think the show is post-peak, but Tyra's assembled a little montage to remind us of the awesomeness of the last nine seasons: nine catfights, eight tearful makeovers, seven stressful medical emergencies, six scary runway spills, five fierce plus-size models, four high-flying photo shoots, three critter-encounters, and two amazing Jays... but there can only be ONE America's Next Top Model. Here's hoping that this season is more eventful then the last few. Let's cut to the chase! Do you wanna be on top?

"Don't be ridiculous! Who wouldn't want to be on top? I always do!"

This week on a very special ANTM, we get some insights on personal convictions and beliefs. It's so great when we see one of the girls stand up for what they believe in. Strong stuff, no? Well, not so much when we're talking about resident airhead Kimberly and her personal crusade against expensive high fashion. What'd you think you were signing yourself up for, sweets?

That giant forehead is filled with some mighty big ideas.

It's that time of the cycle again... no, I'm not talking about feeling bloated and craving chocolate, I'm talking about makeover time! Just as I had hoped, the good were really good but the bad were better. Also, there's gratuitous talk of asses and booties so if you're looking for how to turn tonight's episode into a drinking game, just take a sip anytime anyone use of either of those words will get you good and wasted.

Stacy-Ann says: Bottoms up!

Ah, what if.

This week on ANTM, drag queens hoot and holler, one of the girls gets a much needed lesson in personal hygeine, someone else gets called a racist, Dominique continues to refer to herself solely in the third person, Whitney does the splits, Tyra pulls a Winona, there's more lame kitchen drama, and Marvita admits that she's unsure of herself and starts to give up.

You heard it straight from the horse's mouth

This week on ANTM we learn the true meaning of pain. Some days, your palms just ache from playing pattycake and other days, you just ache for your favorites to take the high road. Viewer discretion is advised due to albino nudity and possible dirty thoughts courtesy of hunky dreamboat Nigel Barker. Male viewer discretion is advised because it seems like we need to talk about pregnancy and other lady troubles more this cycle than any other. So pop an Aleve, cozy on up, and let's jump right in!

Menstrual pain or Broken Down Marionette Doll Legs? You decide!

Oh my goodness, I have so many opinions this week and am so thankful that I have a forum like TVgasm to express them. I tried to get this up yesterday but I just had too damn much to say. This week's ep was fairly eventful and I'm sure most of you have strong feelings one way or the other about the outcome, so let's jump right in.

When I said, "jump right in," I thought that implied feet first!

Ciao, Gasmii. I'm sure my two loyal readers (hi Mom and Dad!) were concerned that I had dropped off the face of the earth after no recaps from me for the past two weeks. But fear not! I'm still alive and kicking. I thought about recapping the recap episode but once Dominique started professing her love of bidets, I flushed that idea down the toilet (ba dum bum!). Plus, you guys didn't really need a recap of a recap episode that your recapper had already recapped, right? I had visitors in town this weekend which is why this recap a bit behind schedule, but hey, life happens. Just like life happened to Fatima this week when she missed a photo shoot because she didn't have her paperwork straightened out. Will I grant her the same forgiveness I allowed myself or will I totally play the hypocrite card and slam her for her irresponsibility? Read on to find out!

For the love of Tyra, it's not pronounced doc-uh-ments

Ciao a tutti, e benvenuti a Roma!!! Have you kids been noticing that the episodes seem to be alternating between a fairly lame week and then an explosively awesome one? I love love LOVED this episode and I don't think it's just because I'm typing this to you live from bella Roma. I can't wait to hear what you guys thought of the ep, but I mean seriously, is it even possible that there are any naysayers out there? To quote Mizz Jay from what is quickly becoming my favorite ANTM moment ever...

Hell to the YES!

Well Gasmii, any episode would be lackluster compared to last week's Italian Cover Girl Commercial Disaster, but I thought this week's episode was especially snoozerific. I wasn't thrilled, but clearly, I was having a better go at it than Mr. Jay was...

"You girls are making my botox bill go through the roof!"

This week's penultimate episode of Cycle 10 found me a bit under the weather. You see, life in Rome isn't always cactus hats and romantic rendezvous with smolderingly sexy signorini in shadowed streets. (But sometimes it is.) No, there are times when Rome is a blanket of pollen that covers you every time you step outside causing your nose to go bonkers and your eyes to water like you're back in 1997 watching Titanic (allergies) for the very first time. Hooray for allergies! So, you can see why I was worried that another horrible episode would send me over the brink. But no, somehow the cosmos aligned and the unthinkable happened. The judges finally spoke with the voice of reason and seemed to apply rationale to their commendations and criticisms. Miracle of Miracles! I'm thrilled!

If you need something else to get you excited, just think about these big hands. And you know what big hands mean. Big... gloves.

This week's penultimate episode of Cycle 10 found me a bit under the weather. You see, life in Rome isn't always cactus hats and romantic rendezvous with smolderingly sexy signorini in shadowed streets. (But sometimes it is.) No, there are times when Rome is a blanket of pollen that covers you every time you step outside causing your nose to go bonkers and your eyes to water like you're back in 1997 watching Titanic (allergies) for the very first time. Hooray for allergies! So, you can see why I was worried that another horrible episode would send me over the brink. But no, somehow the cosmos aligned and the unthinkable happened. The judges finally spoke with the voice of reason and seemed to apply rationale to their commendations and criticisms. Miracle of Miracles! I'm thrilled!

If you need something else to get you excited, just think about these big hands. And you know what big hands mean. Big... gloves.

And then there were three! It's time to figure out who's gonna win America's Next Top Model! Will it be Somalian refugee Fatima who's lived quite the hard knock life? Or will it be Angles! Angles! Angles! Anya ? Or Miss I'm-here-and-I'm-me-and-I'm-not-gonna-change-for-you Whitney? We're about to find out...

Finaaaaaaaleeeeee!

Okay, Gasmii, do you think you can handle another gloriously cheesy season of Top Model? I heard numbers for the excruciatingly long premiere were way down this season but hopefully none of you jumped (space)ship. Cycle 11 is headed back to LA and during the course of this two-hour premiere, viewers were treated to special effects worthy of the $50 that the CW shelled out to blast off this season. So grab your body-hugging vinyl spacesuits and strap yourself in as we count down to the launch of Cycle 11...

3... 2... 1... blastoff!

In this week's episode of ANTM, there's a lot of bickering and bitching, a lot of people sticking their noses where they don't belong, and a lot of accusations fly about everything from racism to fake tatas. It's all in a day's work!

"I do not get paid nearly enough."

On this week's ANTM, we get all the usual makeover goodness (and hideousness), plus a bonus performance!

Nigel's reluctant understudy

This week's ANTM/Hoolia co-sponsored lesson: You know you've been feeling guilty about your recaps when Top Model infiltrates your dreams. Yes Gasmii, I'm sad to admit that last night, I had my first (and let's pray to Tyra, my last) ANTM-related dream. I'll spare you the lame details because face it - everyone thinks their dreams are way more interesting than they anyone else does. But unfortunately it did NOT involve one sexy dripping wet Nigel Barker. It did involve Mizz Jay evaluating an outfit that I had on for a job interview and saying "Oh honey, you'd BEST not be thinking of wearing that!" and then spending an unreasonably long amount of time rolling up the sleeves on this cute cardigan sweater and then tying them up 3/4 style with a pretty ribbon. Then Tyra, Mr. Jay and I all went on the Today show where we were asked who we thought would take it all and dream-Hoolia said Elina would take the top prize. I'm not even sure if I'm consciously thinking that one, but clearly my subconscious had something to say and decided to do it by scaring the crap out of me by putting Tyra in my dreams. There's a sentence I never wanted to type. But, let's jump right in so I can attempt to crank this sucker out before my next nap/sleep for fear of drifting off to dreamland only to have mail lady Tyra barge in to give me a makeover. Instead, let's talk lots and lots about Nigel for hopes that he ravishes me up against the wall of a pool while I'm rocking some crazy eye makeup. Yes please!

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These...

So at this point, I'm pretty sure a higher being is keeping me from getting these recaps done on time. And no, it's not my local bartender. No, the greater force this week was my own idiot self when I locked myself out of my apartment for an entire afternoon with nothing on me except for a dying ipod. That's kind of a lie because it's not even my apartment since I'm busy training to be a Professional Couch Surfer. So I have no idea where the super's apartment even is and my hostesses aren't due back for another four hours. Fan-fucking-tastic. Did I piss off Tyra? Is this bad karma for making fun of her? I don't know, but I feel like the ANTM gods out there have something against me.

A visual representation of my last 24 hours. Thanks P-Dubs

So at this point, I'm pretty sure a higher being is keeping me from getting these recaps done on time. And no, it's not my local bartender. No, the greater force this week was my own idiot self when I locked myself out of my apartment for an entire afternoon with nothing on me except for a dying ipod. That's kind of a lie because it's not even my apartment since I'm busy training to be a Professional Couch Surfer. So I have no idea where the super's apartment even is and my hostesses aren't due back for another four hours. Fan-fucking-tastic. Did I piss off Tyra? Is this bad karma for making fun of her? I don't know, but I feel like the ANTM gods out there have something against me.

A visual representation of my last 24 hours. Thanks P-Dubs

Hey everyone! Your regularly scheduled America's Next Top Model recapper, Hoolia, is out kicking ass interviewing for jobs that actually pay, so I'll be subbing in for her this week. I'll do my best to live up to the quality you expect from her, so without further ado, let's bring on the vapidness!

"Honk honk! Oh man, this shit's off the hizzle at the strip club!"

It's been awhile, Gasmii, but I'm back and ready for action. A ginormous grazie to LoLo for helping me out two weeks ago while I was rearranging my life - how awesome was her recap? Love and kisses, LoLo, I owe ya. Last week's mid-season recap show was lame as usual, offering no insight into these ladies whatsoever. It seems like the story editors agree with me and no one can get it up for this season. In fact, you can tell they're trying to make something salacious out of nothing because this episode has all the signs of a good night out: uncoordinated dancing, puking, awkward disrobing, and unintentional nudity. But even though we've got all of the pieces, the puzzle's not together. I'm left with only a bad hangover and nothing worth retelling to my friends over brunch.

Proof that sex doesn't always sell

This week, ANTM flits over to Europe. Which obviously means lots and lots of nudity. Unfortunately, Nigel stays dressed while Mizz Jay's the one to disrobe. Twice.

P-Dubs: "Ahhhh, so Isis DID teach you a thing or two!"

This week, ANTM flits over to Europe. Which obviously means lots and lots of nudity. Unfortunately, Nigel stays dressed while Mizz Jay's the one to disrobe. Twice.

P-Dubs: "Ahhhh, so Isis DID teach you a thing or two!"

This week on ANTM, we get to hear a lot of words like "stiff" and "rigid" but unfortunately, they aren't being used to describe a Mr. Nigel Barker...

"I forget, this week, am I into guys, girls, or "stiff and rigid" battery-powered devices?"

Ah, Gasmii, don't you just love technology? Especially the kind of technology that makes your computer crap out on you during the best, most interesting, most exciting (read: boozy) episode of ANTM this season? My apologies, kiddos. I'm gonna keep this week's ep to a wee-cap because really, do you need me to hammer home anymore that Marjorie gets nervous and Sam struggles to look like a model and Nigel is drop dead sexy? I'm pretty sure you've got all of those messages loud and clear by now. Instead, I'm gonna try a bit of a different format which will hit the main, hysterical points on the head. This way, I can save my energy and snark for tonight's finaaaaale and barring another crash of my hard drive, I promise to have that to you in a more timely manner than I've been posting lately. In fact, if not, I'll make arrangements to have a special gift sent instead...

Throwing some juicy meat at you because Nigel Bear is going into winter hibernation after tonight...

On this very special finale episode of ANTM, Tyra decides to give McKey a new signature pose. And that pose is called "The Hoolia" and it's supposed to represent my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about this cycle. Give it your best shot, McKey!

Only a 9.5 from the Russian judge? He's so stingy.

Hey-Ho to all of you Tyra-ites! This is J-Mo, and I'm here to serve as your faithful acolyte as we once again become devotees at the Altar Of Stick-Thin Bitches Who Never Eat. Yes, it's time for Cycle Twelve of America's Next Top Model..., where 2 Tic-Tacs and a Marlboro Light is considered "lunch", where intelligence and self-awareness are as rare as new home sales, and where crying over nothing is considered normal behavior (outside of pre-school). And rising above it all to grace us with Her Modelicious Presence?...

...The Goddess Of Fierce (And Slightly Vertically Elongated Shots)...

I swear to you guys, I did not stretch that screen-shot, it was broadcast that way! This leads me to wonder if Tyra's stiill having a few weight issues. She also looks really hungry. I'd be frightened to wander by her carrying a 10-piece McNuggets at this point, and you bet your sweet cheeks I'd call 911 on her fat ass if she tried to take 'em. Nobody steals my pressed-chicken-by-product-shapey-thingies! Anyhow, there are a lot of girls just waiting to be ridiculed, so let's not waste any more time and jump right in!

Welcome back all you fiercelings! I finished that last recap at 5am and had to get some sleep. I dreamt about an army of big-eyed, tacky-nailed, constantly-crying, super-bitchy skeletons who were chasing me all over The Forum Shops while shouting random insults at my hammer-toed feet and trying to stab me with pickle pens so they could watch me bleed. I was saved when Jesus and Oprah swooped down and spirited me away to heaven (which looked a lot like Harpo Studios in Chicago) and the three of us girl-talked over chocolate croissants and flavored coffee. It was nice. Jesus chews with His mouth open, though. And Oprah farted a couple of times and tried to blame it on Gayle (who wasn't even there). Have you ever smelled peaches and ass? Anyhow, I woke up and had some tequila Kool-Aid and now I'm ready to continue with the first real episode featuring our lovely Top Thirteen Models...

...Jesus-Freak (on the lower left) really shouldn't expose her neck to Anime-Eyes like that...

And on the second half of tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model, we will learn that Tyra wants to inhibit the puberty of the nation's children, Queen Sandra goes straight for the Miss My-Shit-Don't-Stink title of Cycle 12, and Tahlia gets a hard reality check in the superficiality of modelling. But at least they're not going back to Buffalo. Time to jump on into The House Of Hellcats!

Hey there, hi there, ho there, fashion-fans! I'm so happy to be once again sitting here in the dark at my PC and watching impossibly thin and beautiful women bitch and cry at each other (most likely out of ravenous hunger) and knowing that in a few minutes I'll be polishing off the better part of a Marie Callender's Coconut Cream Pie (with extra ice cream). This is how I know there is a God...

...poor thing, she's about to gnaw off her own finger...

...ohhhhh, and Snickers Bars are even better when they're battered and deep fried. Damn, I shouldn't have said that! Now I'm gonna have to eat the whole pie. At any rate, on tonight's fascinating episode of America's Next Top Model it's time for the makeovers! This is always a fun part of each cycle, especially since you can bet that at least one of these girls is going to lose her shit when they cut off her hair! Care to bet on who it's going to be? Anyone? Anyone? Fo Ho? We'll see in a few! I'll be right back, that pie is calling my name...

Greetings and salutations fashionistas! Well, it's been a crazy week for our poor Tyranna-Sore-Ass, what with the international news coverage of the riot/stampede that broke out amongst a mob of munchkins at auditions for Cycle 13 (a.k.a. The "Okay, I Guess Short Chicks Might Be Pretty, Too" Cycle) in New York City! I don't want to sound callous or uncaring, but I was too busy burning effigies of A.I.G. executives (and their obscene bonus checks) to really pay that much attention to the story. However, after several seconds worth of research, I did find out some interesting things...

..."Ok, whoever lets me touch their boobies gets to meet Tyra!"...

...namely, this hysterical video from a disgruntled and "fustrated" model hopeful who is upset that a.) the cops were not enforcing the "no cutsies" rule of line-waiting, b.) they had to stand and waste nine whole hours of their day (welcome to the world of retail jobs, ladies!) and c.) demands to know what Tyra was doing while girls were getting "stompled on". Yes, there's no shortage of drama with America's Next Top Model this week... except on the actual episode that aired. Still, I'm fixing to jazz it all up for you with lots of goodies, so join me after the jump, mm'kay my lovelies?...

Hello all you closet voguers out there (and you know you do when you're driving and Madge comes on the radio with one of her bestest songs evah!) are you ready for me? I hope so, 'cuz I'm on a huge high from the drag pageant that I was at this past weekend (more on this later) and I'm feeling sas-say as a motherfucker! You know who else is feeling rather brazen and feisty tonight (like she was just awarded a crown of her own?)...

...Sandra, Empress Of Delusiana...

Yes, tonight our little Queenie makes her triumphant return to us in all of her bitchy glory, and after last week's total snoozefest I'm ready for her to bring some of her special brand of hallucinatory grandeur to the forefront! Also on tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model (the Paris Is Burning Edition™) a bunch of gays will get together and judge the models (I wasn't invited) Homegirl whines some more and MeeMaw makes a shocking transition from sweet to sow-ahhh! Don't just stand there, let's get to it, strike a pose, there's nothin' to it (except where our poor hapless models are concerned) and jump!

What's up little darlin's? Let's talk for a moment about mistakes. We've all made 'em (my hair and fashion choices that routinely got my ass kicked in the '80s is a prime example) and hopefully we've all learned from them. It's a semi-rare person that willfully does something incredibly stupid that doesn't feel remorse or embarrassment as a result of their boneheaded actions. Fortunately for us, reality TV is littered with such unapologetic people...

..."Since when is it wrong to backstab people on behalf of your so-called friends??!?"...

...and I'm sure that you were all as excited as I was for this week's installment of America's Next Top Model after MeeMaw's decision to suddenly become a giant Telltale Tit (thanks kizarny!) and try to get Homegirl kicked off the show. In the end, however, all she accomplished was earning herself a swift smackdown at the hands of a pissed-off Tyra... and the full set of repercussions haven't even fully played out yet! It's time to sit back, relax, and enjoy Part Two of ScreamFest 2009 (Ethnic Girls vs. Caucasian Chicks) after the jump...

Welcome back all you Diva-Dolls (and for you guys, I guess, Divo-Action-Figures)! Now that my ears have stopped ringing from all the screaming that went on in last week's episode, I wonder if this week will find the girls being a little more tolerant of one another's (admittedly lackluster) personalities? I think I will consult my Magic 8 Ball for the answer...

...very doubtful...

Wow, that is so real. At any rate, there are still things to look forward to in tonight's installment of America's Next Top Model. Namely, the girls attempt to film a commercial for Cover Girl Cosmetics, Cycle 11 "winner" McKey makes a boring cameo, and we are treated to the puzzling appearance of Clay Aiken! Dust off that cracked copy of Measure Of A Queen Man (or retrieve it from the pile of drink coasters on the coffee table) and get ready to jump.

¡Buenos Nachos, mijas y mijos! Can you believe we're halfway done with this cycle already? If you've been actually watching the show, I'm sure you've had a few moments here and there where you had to wonder to yourself "What in the blue fuck just happened? That shit made no sense!" (and like me, you probably said it to yourself most often during the completely insane critique sessions at the Judges Panel). Well, it's lucky for us they have some "unseen footage" to share with us that might shed some light on some things...

...and our favorite crazybitch Queenie is baaaaack!...

Normally I hate "clip-shows" that just recycle the cycle, but there are actually a few tidbits on this "rewind" episode of America's Next Top Model that you might find interesting, especially in regards to some of the editing that a few of these people received (Queenie herself has a royal revelation you won't want to miss) so let's take a brief journey back into time after the jump...

Welcome once again fellow fashion fans! Thank you for your patience while I was off having a fabulous time dancing and sweating in the sudden 100-degree heat-wave that hit Phoenix this past weekend... but on the plus side, some guy came up and told my drag-queen friend that his favorite dancer out of the six of us was "the big fat white one", so it's good to know that us fatties still have some fans out there...

...whereas Tyra only likes fat things that she can grab hold of and make noise with...

...but alas, on tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model there was no chubby-chasin' love to be found, and in fact, not even Jesus could save His most devoted disciple from the beat-down that was administered by a certain plastic-faced pixie-pop with purplish hair. I think in honor of tonight's ode to the American obsession with ass-size I will split a Sara Lee poundcake with my boyfriend (and then hit him over the head and polish off his half, too, before he regains consciousness). If you can hoist it, let's jump (maybe we'll break something)!

Olá! e boa vinda! That means "Hello and welcome" in Portuguese! I'm so glad you've joined me once again, because it probably means that you are enjoying my semi-rare and mildly stimulating insights into the cosmic fabulosity of this show. Given the average length of my recaps, it also probably means you have about a half-hour to kill. Either way, I am so happy you're here, and that we're about to take a trip south of the equator where we North Americans continue to distinguish ourselves with our genteel and urbane behavior...

...or not...

...although I can't really blame AmINuts for letting 'er rip, because on tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model she is forced to endure a physical assault by MeeMaw, Rich-Bitch's constant complaining (on a second continent) and Fo Ho turning into a bit of a conniving little bratbitch. Let's make ourselves a gallon pitcher of Caipirinhas... e faça o salto!

W'sup girls'n'boys? Welcome back to Brazil, home of elite fashion designers, thick accents and zero labia hair, and I have some pressing questions for you all. Have you ever wondered what some of these girls would look like wearing a doily and some dental floss? Would you be interested in watching Sex-God Nigel Barker making obscene sexual pantomimes on a beach? Better still, wanna see how incredibly smokin' hot I'd be in a Speedo? How about this... I'll give you all three at once...

...boners for everyone!...

Yay for fat guys! And skeletons! Anyblub, on tonight's installment of America's Next Top Model it's time once again for the annual "go-sees" episode, which is always a hoot to watch these mental giants have to take on the extremely taxing assignment of getting in a cab, going to an address, and meeting with snooty designers to try on clothes and walk around in the hopes of being chosen to walk around wearing these clothes to annoying techno-music. You and I (and millions of desperate Americans these days) do this same kind of thing, except we call it "job hunting". More juicy tidbits to come after the jump...

Hi-hi once again to all you Ty-Ty fans! Let me start out by making a heartfelt apology to everybody for all the exposed chubby manflesh (i.e. hairy tits) in last week's recap... after ten weeks of watching women who need USA For Africa far more desperately than Africa does, I got a little carried away when I saw one of my people on TV for a change, and it clearly was a bit too much for some. However, never fear, because tonight's show...

...is once again brought to you by the letters "i" and "j" and by the number 11...

I thought I had truly seen the ultimate depths of stupidity on America's Next Top Model but then Tyra and Co. went and showed me that I just wasn't dumbing down my thinking enough to conceive of some of the stuff that went into tonight's episode. Oh, and Ty-Ty thinks she has a near-death experience. Prepare to lose a few I.Q. points after the jump...

Oh my dear fierceling fashionistas, it is with a heavy heart that I sit down to write this final recap. Or maybe that's just the pizza and beer I've just inhaled. Gimme a second, here... *urp* Okay, I feel better now. It's just so hard to believe that only 3 short months ago we were all excited and gathered together to watch this latest crop of anemic airheads attempting to become the next Diva Deity™ to follow in the footsteps of The Goddess Of Fierce herself. It's equally hard to believe that we all got handed a big bucket of blah. I find myself heavily sympathizing with Teyomboy's expression in this picture...

..."Arright, which one of y'all bitches just cut one?"...

...like a fart in a jar, this cycle seems to have spun completely out-of-control, yet had almost zero impact... other than the lingering stench of stupidity I have felt weekly while watching Tyra overact, Sex-God smirk and sneer, Gay-Jay mince about, Porizkunty insult everybody and Miss J.'s silly bow-ties continue to grow like colorful labia with a bad case of elephantiasis. Do you remember a time when America's Next Top Model actually had some credibility as a serious modelling competition? Me either. Still, won't you take my chubby fat-fingered hand and for one last time let's make the jump...

Well, I gotta hand it to Flipit. Only two things would have forced me out of recap retirement: giving me an outlet for my Tyra rage or making Jeff from BB my personal sex slave. Because Technotronics is still safely sequestered in the jury house, I had to settle for the former. But it's only a matter of time before he returns to Chicago. I have the rop-- err, roses, waiting for him.

But while Jeff looks into restraining orders, I will be your new recapper for America's Next Top Model! I'm so excited to be back with y'all, and thrilled to have been given such a great show to do! This cycle's all about the shorties and I'm confident Tyra will be as AWFUL as ever. We got a two-hour premiere to get us started, so let's check these short bitches out!

Yep, looks like I'm right.

This week on America's Next Top Model, Tyra teaches us how to make up words. I can do it too! Let's see... I'm going to take "awful" "arrogant" and "hypocrite" and what do I get?! TYRA!

"She's a sucky person!"

This week on America's Next Top Model, the girls finally get catty and my friends can take a break from suicide watch as Tyra's big yapper takes a backseat for once. Instead, we get an impromptu performance from The Supremes.

"Stop! In the naaaaaame of Tyra!"

This week on America's Next Top Model, we have to suffer through the CoverGirl makeup challenge (where unfortunately no one comes out looking like a clown whore), as well as through Tyra's annual delusion that she's a legitimate photographer.

I really would prefer her to spend the rest of the cycle this way...

This week on America's Next Top Model, the girls head off to Vegas where a fan favorite slips up a bit, and a dumb bitch thankfully goes home instead.

"HAHA, BEN, you've got to be kidding me! For the last time, I do not have any weed!"

This week on America's Next Top Model, Karl proves the only modeling job she should book is Mugatu's "Derelicte" collection, and two girls don't make it back on time from the go-see challenge. Place your bets now!

The editors mistake one of Brittany's protruding ribs for a nipple.

This week on America's Next Top Model, Tyra keeps speeding up the typical timeline of the challenges and throws the CoverGirl commercial at the girls, which prompts one of them to have a meltdown of epic proportions. Love it.

"BEN, this dress makes me look young and hip, right? Not to mention that it's totally flattering for my boobs, right?"
"Ummmm.... <blink>."

This week on America's Next Top Model, the girls travel to Hawaii, where Tyra finds the justification to offend as many racial and ethnic groups as possible within one hour.

"Yes, this should be inappropriate enough to earn me some extra Google Search Results this week!"

This week on America's Next Top Model, I'm sad to report that no one drowns during an underwater photo shoot.

"Oh, so THAT'S the difference between the labia majora and the labia minora! Thanks, Marisa Miller!"