TVgasm Recaps: Your Source for America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Model Finale: Windy-Face Vs. Scaredy-Eyes

Oh my dear fierceling fashionistas, it is with a heavy heart that I sit down to write this final recap. Or maybe that's just the pizza and beer I've just inhaled. Gimme a second, here... *urp* Okay, I feel better now. It's just so hard to believe that only 3 short months ago we were all excited and gathered together to watch this latest crop of anemic airheads attempting to become the next Diva Deity™ to follow in the footsteps of The Goddess Of Fierce herself. It's equally hard to believe that we all got handed a big bucket of blah. I find myself heavily sympathizing with Teyomboy's expression in this picture...

**..."Arright, which one of y'all bitches just cut one?"...**

...like a fart in a jar, this cycle seems to have spun completely out-of-control, yet had almost zero impact... other than the lingering stench of stupidity I have felt weekly while watching Tyra overact, Sex-God smirk and sneer, Gay-Jay mince about, Porizkunty insult everybody and Miss J.'s silly bow-ties continue to grow like colorful labia with a bad case of elephantiasis. Do you remember a time when America's Next Top Model actually had some credibility as a serious modelling competition? Me either. Still, won't you take my chubby fat-fingered hand and for one last time let's make the jump...

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Posted by J-Mo at 12:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

America's Next Top Model: Tyra Almost Dies

Hi-hi once again to all you Ty-Ty fans! Let me start out by making a heartfelt apology to everybody for all the exposed chubby manflesh (i.e. hairy tits) in last week's recap... after ten weeks of watching women who need USA For Africa far more desperately than Africa does, I got a little carried away when I saw one of my people on TV for a change, and it clearly was a bit too much for some. However, never fear, because tonight's show...

**...is once again brought to you by the letters "i" and "j" and by the number 11...**

I thought I had truly seen the ultimate depths of stupidity on America's Next Top Model but then Tyra and Co. went and showed me that I just wasn't dumbing down my thinking enough to conceive of some of the stuff that went into tonight's episode. Oh, and Ty-Ty thinks she has a near-death experience. Prepare to lose a few I.Q. points after the jump...

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Posted by J-Mo at 2:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

America's Next Top Model: Allemande Left And A Go-See-Go!

W'sup girls'n'boys? Welcome back to Brazil, home of elite fashion designers, thick accents and zero labia hair, and I have some pressing questions for you all. Have you ever wondered what some of these girls would look like wearing a doily and some dental floss? Would you be interested in watching Sex-God Nigel Barker making obscene sexual pantomimes on a beach? Better still, wanna see how incredibly smokin' hot I'd be in a Speedo? How about this... I'll give you all three at once...

...boners for everyone!...

Yay for fat guys! And skeletons! Anyblub, on tonight's installment of America's Next Top Model it's time once again for the annual "go-sees" episode, which is always a hoot to watch these mental giants have to take on the extremely taxing assignment of getting in a cab, going to an address, and meeting with snooty designers to try on clothes and walk around in the hopes of being chosen to walk around wearing these clothes to annoying techno-music. You and I (and millions of desperate Americans these days) do this same kind of thing, except we call it "job hunting". More juicy tidbits to come after the jump...

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Posted by J-Mo at 12:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

America's Next Top Model: The Girls From IpAnemia

Olá! e boa vinda! That means "Hello and welcome" in Portuguese! I'm so glad you've joined me once again, because it probably means that you are enjoying my semi-rare and mildly stimulating insights into the cosmic fabulosity of this show. Given the average length of my recaps, it also probably means you have about a half-hour to kill. Either way, I am so happy you're here, and that we're about to take a trip south of the equator where we North Americans continue to distinguish ourselves with our genteel and urbane behavior...

...or not...

...although I can't really blame AmINuts for letting 'er rip, because on tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model she is forced to endure a physical assault by MeeMaw, Rich-Bitch's constant complaining (on a second continent) and Fo Ho turning into a bit of a conniving little bratbitch. Let's make ourselves a ~~gallon~~ pitcher of Caipirinhas... e faça o salto!

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Posted by J-Mo at 1:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

America's Next Top Model: Nobody Loves A Big Fat Ass (Except Me)

Welcome once again fellow fashion fans! Thank you for your patience while I was off having a fabulous time dancing and sweating in the sudden 100-degree heat-wave that hit Phoenix this past weekend... but on the plus side, some guy came up and told my drag-queen friend that his favorite dancer out of the six of us was "the big fat white one", so it's good to know that us fatties still have some fans out there...

...whereas Tyra only likes fat things that she can grab hold of and make noise with...

...but alas, on tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model there was no chubby-chasin' love to be found, and in fact, not even Jesus could save His most devoted disciple from the beat-down that was administered by a certain plastic-faced pixie-pop with purplish hair. I think in honor of tonight's ode to the American obsession with ass-size I will split a Sara Lee poundcake with my boyfriend (and then hit him over the head and polish off his half, too, before he regains consciousness). If you can hoist it, let's jump (maybe we'll break something)!

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Posted by J-Mo at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

America's Next Top Model: Remixed, Reworked, Restyled and Remodeled

¡Buenos Nachos, mijas y mijos! Can you believe we're halfway done with this cycle already? If you've been actually watching the show, I'm sure you've had a few moments here and there where you had to wonder to yourself "What in the blue fuck just happened? That shit made no sense!" (and like me, you probably said it to yourself most often during the completely insane critique sessions at the Judges Panel). Well, it's lucky for us they have some "unseen footage" to share with us that might shed some light on some things...

**...and our favorite crazybitch Queenie is baaaaack!...**

Normally I hate "clip-shows" that just recycle the cycle, but there are actually a few tidbits on this "rewind" episode of America's Next Top Model that you might find interesting, especially in regards to some of the editing that a few of these people received (Queenie herself has a royal revelation you won't want to miss) so let's take a brief journey back into time after the jump...

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Posted by J-Mo at 2:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

America's Next Top Model: Getcho Gayken On

Welcome back all you Diva-Dolls (and for you guys, I guess, Divo-Action-Figures)! Now that my ears have stopped ringing from all the screaming that went on in last week's episode, I wonder if this week will find the girls being a little more tolerant of one another's (admittedly lackluster) personalities? I think I will consult my Magic 8 Ball for the answer...

...very doubtful...

Wow, that is so real. At any rate, there are still things to look forward to in tonight's installment of America's Next Top Model. Namely, the girls attempt to film a commercial for Cover Girl Cosmetics, Cycle 11 "winner" McKey makes a boring cameo, and we are treated to the puzzling appearance of Clay Aiken! Dust off that cracked copy of Measure Of A ~~Queen~~ Man (or retrieve it from the pile of drink coasters on the coffee table) and get ready to jump.

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Posted by J-Mo at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (27)

America's Next Top Model: Hell Hath No Fury (The Ditz Hits The Fan)

What's up little darlin's? Let's talk for a moment about mistakes. We've all made 'em (my hair and fashion choices that routinely got my ass kicked in the '80s is a prime example) and hopefully we've all learned from them. It's a semi-rare person that willfully does something incredibly stupid that doesn't feel remorse or embarrassment as a result of their boneheaded actions. Fortunately for us, reality TV is littered with such unapologetic people...

**..."Since when is it wrong to backstab people on behalf of your so-called friends??!?"...**

...and I'm sure that you were all as excited as I was for this week's installment of America's Next Top Model after MeeMaw's decision to suddenly become a giant Telltale Tit (thanks kizarny!) and try to get Homegirl kicked off the show. In the end, however, all she accomplished was earning herself a swift smackdown at the hands of a pissed-off Tyra... and the full set of repercussions haven't even fully played out yet! It's time to sit back, relax, and enjoy Part Two of ScreamFest 2009 (Ethnic Girls vs. Caucasian Chicks) after the jump...

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Posted by J-Mo at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (26)

America's Next Top Model: The Return Of The Queen

Hello all you closet voguers out there (and you know you do when you're driving and Madge comes on the radio with one of her bestest songs evah!) are you ready for me? I hope so, 'cuz I'm on a huge high from the drag pageant that I was at this past weekend (more on this later) and I'm feeling sas-say as a motherfucker! You know who else is feeling rather brazen and feisty tonight (like she was just awarded a crown of her own?)...

...Sandra, Empress Of Delusiana...

Yes, tonight our little Queenie makes her triumphant return to us in all of her bitchy glory, and after last week's total snoozefest I'm ready for her to bring some of her special brand of hallucinatory grandeur to the forefront! Also on tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model (the Paris Is Burning Edition™) a bunch of gays will get together and judge the models (I wasn't invited) Homegirl whines some more and MeeMaw makes a shocking transition from sweet to sow-ahhh! Don't just stand there, let's get to it, strike a pose, there's nothin' to it (except where our poor hapless models are concerned) and jump!

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Posted by J-Mo at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (28)

America's Next Top Model: Obstacle Course For Bag-Ladies

Greetings and salutations fashionistas! Well, it's been a crazy week for our poor Tyranna-Sore-Ass, what with the international news coverage of the riot/stampede that broke out amongst a mob of munchkins at auditions for Cycle 13 (a.k.a. The "Okay, I Guess Short Chicks Might Be Pretty, Too" Cycle) in New York City! I don't want to sound callous or uncaring, but I was too busy burning effigies of A.I.G. executives (and their obscene bonus checks) to really pay that much attention to the story. However, after several seconds worth of research, I did find out some interesting things...

..."Ok, whoever lets me touch their boobies gets to meet Tyra!"...

...namely, this hysterical video from a disgruntled and "fustrated" model hopeful who is upset that a.) the cops were not enforcing the "no cutsies" rule of line-waiting, b.) they had to stand and waste nine whole hours of their day (welcome to the world of retail jobs, ladies!) and c.) demands to know what Tyra was doing while girls were getting "stompled on". Yes, there's no shortage of drama with America's Next Top Model this week... except on the actual episode that aired. Still, I'm fixing to jazz it all up for you with lots of goodies, so join me after the jump, mm'kay my lovelies?...

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Posted by J-Mo at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (19)

May 18, 2009:America's Next Top Model Finale: Windy-Face Vs. Scaredy-Eyes

May 10, 2009:America's Next Top Model: Tyra Almost Dies

:America's Next Top Model: Allemande Left And A Go-See-Go!

April 28, 2009:America's Next Top Model: The Girls From IpAnemia

April 24, 2009:America's Next Top Model: Nobody Loves A Big Fat Ass (Except Me)

April 15, 2009:America's Next Top Model: Remixed, Reworked, Restyled and Remodeled

April 13, 2009:America's Next Top Model: Getcho Gayken On

April 5, 2009:America's Next Top Model: Hell Hath No Fury (The Ditz Hits The Fan)

March 30, 2009:America's Next Top Model: The Return Of The Queen

March 23, 2009:America's Next Top Model: Obstacle Course For Bag-Ladies