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This week on America's Next Top Model, I'm sad to report that no one drowns during an underwater photo shoot.
"Oh, so THAT'S the difference between the labia majora and the labia minora! Thanks, Marisa Miller!"
This week on America's Next Top Model, the girls travel to Hawaii, where Tyra finds the justification to offend as many racial and ethnic groups as possible within one hour.
"Yes, this should be inappropriate enough to earn me some extra Google Search Results this week!"
This week on America's Next Top Model, Tyra keeps speeding up the typical timeline of the challenges and throws the CoverGirl commercial at the girls, which prompts one of them to have a meltdown of epic proportions. Love it.
"BEN, this dress makes me look young and hip, right? Not to mention that it's totally flattering for my boobs, right?"
"Ummmm.... <blink>."
Continue reading "America's Next Top Model: America's Next Top Model: Not Very Easy or Breezy" »
This week on America's Next Top Model, Karl proves the only modeling job she should book is Mugatu's "Derelicte" collection, and two girls don't make it back on time from the go-see challenge. Place your bets now!
The editors mistake one of Brittany's protruding ribs for a nipple.
Continue reading "America's Next Top Model: America's Next Top Model: Kung Fu Fighting." »
This week on America's Next Top Model, the girls head off to Vegas where a fan favorite slips up a bit, and a dumb bitch thankfully goes home instead.
"HAHA, BEN, you've got to be kidding me! For the last time, I do not have any weed!"
This week on America's Next Top Model, we have to suffer through the CoverGirl makeup challenge (where unfortunately no one comes out looking like a clown whore), as well as through Tyra's annual delusion that she's a legitimate photographer.
I really would prefer her to spend the rest of the cycle this way...
Continue reading "America's Next Top Model: America's Next Top Model: Wrap Your Head Around That" »
This week on America's Next Top Model, the girls finally get catty and my friends can take a break from suicide watch as Tyra's big yapper takes a backseat for once. Instead, we get an impromptu performance from The Supremes.
"Stop! In the naaaaaame of Tyra!"
This week on America's Next Top Model, Tyra teaches us how to make up words. I can do it too! Let's see... I'm going to take "awful" "arrogant" and "hypocrite" and what do I get?! TYRA!
"She's a sucky person!"
Continue reading "America's Next Top Model: America's Next Top Model: Super Smeyes Needs to Die." »
Well, I gotta hand it to Flipit. Only two things would have forced me out of recap retirement: giving me an outlet for my Tyra rage or making Jeff from BB my personal sex slave. Because Technotronics is still safely sequestered in the jury house, I had to settle for the former. But it's only a matter of time before he returns to Chicago. I have the rop-- err, roses, waiting for him.
But while Jeff looks into restraining orders, I will be your new recapper for America's Next Top Model! I'm so excited to be back with y'all, and thrilled to have been given such a great show to do! This cycle's all about the shorties and I'm confident Tyra will be as AWFUL as ever. We got a two-hour premiere to get us started, so let's check these short bitches out!
Yep, looks like I'm right.
Oh my dear fierceling fashionistas, it is with a heavy heart that I sit down to write this final recap. Or maybe that's just the pizza and beer I've just inhaled. Gimme a second, here... *urp* Okay, I feel better now. It's just so hard to believe that only 3 short months ago we were all excited and gathered together to watch this latest crop of anemic airheads attempting to become the next Diva Deity™ to follow in the footsteps of The Goddess Of Fierce herself. It's equally hard to believe that we all got handed a big bucket of blah. I find myself heavily sympathizing with Teyomboy's expression in this picture...
...like a fart in a jar, this cycle seems to have spun completely out-of-control, yet had almost zero impact... other than the lingering stench of stupidity I have felt weekly while watching Tyra overact, Sex-God smirk and sneer, Gay-Jay mince about, Porizkunty insult everybody and Miss J.'s silly bow-ties continue to grow like colorful labia with a bad case of elephantiasis. Do you remember a time when America's Next Top Model actually had some credibility as a serious modelling competition? Me either. Still, won't you take my chubby fat-fingered hand and for one last time let's make the jump...