So what is this soulmatecalculator.com? How effective is it? Well, they advertised on a Google ad and since I use Google for everything other than my book reports on China, why not see how effective this is.

OK, this thing seems easy enough, but then I run into my first problem. So far, I am unaware that "girls" and "guys" were gendesr. Silly me for thinking that the creates of the Soulmate Calculator have heard of the words "male" and "female". Then again, maybe I am being too picky and that's why I have to use this thing in the first place. I guess I should be happy that the good folks behind Soulmate Calculator care more about eternal happiness than they do syntax. I click on "guys" and hope it doesn't take me to mandate.com

This one is easy. My star sign is aquarius. Tyra, of course, is sagittarius. Sweet! I always wanted my children to become water-bearing archers!

We're getting close! I enter in the first name and then mark the box next to "I agree to terms". I am sure this means "Until death (or restraining order) do us part, but decide to read the fine print just in case.

Woah! Are you telling me that the Soulmate Calculator is not a benevolent service created to bring lonely hearts together? Is this just a crass way for a company to trick people into signing up for a text-message wallpaper and ring tone service? I am SHOCKED. Still, $16 a month for true love is still a good deal.

P.S. If the type is too small on your screen the terms are as follows: By signing up for this service and by entering your personal PIN Code which will be sent to your mobile phone number supplied by you on this website, you acknowledge that you are subscribing to our service. All plans are subject to the Terms and Conditions. You may stop this subscription service at any time by sending a text message with STOP, to short code 76284. Your phone must be polyphonic capable, be Inernet-enabled, and have text messaging capability. you must be the owner of this device and either be at least sixteen years old or have the permission of you parent or guardian. ATT&T, Cingular, Dobson, T-mobile and Sprint customers will receive the monthly love prediction at $9.99 per month and weekly horoscope predictions at $5.99 on code 76284. Standard/other text messaging rates may apply. Information? text HELP to 76824; 1-800-235-7105. So, basically, this whole thing is a big rip off. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Sorry, I can't put my phone number on the internets, but if your name is Tyra Banks, please call 555-692-6637

Ooh. Not long now! I've been a good boy this year. After Soulmate Calculator confirms my dreams, I am going to buy some mistletoe, and meet my future wife over in television city.

After about ten seconds, I get the notification on my cell phone. The fateful words:

J-Unit is a rare and original name. Your true love's name is DION, your soulmate and kindred spirit. This is a match made in heaven.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!