Last year, enough people buzzed about America's Next Top Model that I figured I'd check out the show this season, but unfortunately limitations on Tivo capacity and, you know, my desire to actually have a life beyond watching TV sort of killed that plan. TV trends don't pass me lightly though, so I finally buckled down and watched an episode. To my surprise, I thought it was really great. How could you not love the fascinating challenges, the interesting personalities, and the intense elimination process? Oh wait, I'm talking about The Apprentice. Sorry. No, despite all the talk, America's Next Top Model lacks a certain charm or intrinsic value that other reality franchises seem to have, but for what it's worth, the show was passable entertainment and certainly not out of range for some good old TVgasm snark.
I guess I knew I was in trouble when I was rudely introduced to "Tyra Mail". Not nearly as cool as Survivor's "Tree Mail", Tyra Mail arrived in a garish pink envelope that made me wonder if this alternate postal service was headquartered in South Beach. Anyway, the Tyra Mail alerted the beehive of intellectually challenged models that they had to put on their Tyra Clothes, leave the Tyra Apartment, take a Tyra Cab, and go to the Tyra YWCA. I wonder - when Tyra Banks gets Tyra Mail, does she just call it... mail? Or maybe "Me Mail"?
At the YWCA, the gals met Jay Alexander, a cross-dressing runway maven who's sort of like the Phil Jackson of catwalks, except, whereas Phil Jackson has a legacy, Jay Alexander has, uh, makeup. As Jay pranced around and introduced last year's winner of the competition, wide-eyed Kirsti wondered why he was wearing dresses and stuff. "Why doesn't someone explain Jay?" she asked. This was followed with a Very Special Episode of America's Top Model called "Kirsti meets her first gay person."
While Kirsti marveled at the cultural oddity that was Jay, reigning Top Model (that most of America has never heard of, despite being "Top") Yoanna imparted her wise knowledge to the group. Focus on yourselves, she said, adding "You're so young." Yes, I remember when Yoanna was just a young pup in the world of modeling. My how the time has flown - since May.
After some more lame pep talk, Jay had the girls walk around with books on their heads. For his part, he changed into a strange black dress that left him looking less haute couture and more ho' couture. Seriously, he looked like one of those crackwhore bit players that populate The Sopranos from time to time. After the book balancing grew tiresome, Jay upped the stakes and had the ladies don massive headdresses which made me wonder if these women were training to be models or featured performers in the Las Vegas Showgirl Rodeo. Apparently the task was arduous, leading Jennipher to complain that the headdresses were the "most awfullest things to wear." Poor Jennipher. She was hoping that day would be funner, but it was the most baddest day ever. Actually, the most awfullest thing ever will be when she finds out that for all her life she's been misspelling her name.
In time the girls were finally rewarded for all their hard work. Jay took them out for a night out on the town, but at the first club they went to, a line outside caused Jennipher to raise her misspelled eyebrows. She knew something was up, she reasoned, because there was a line. Are club lines a new phenomenon? Last time I checked, they're pretty common. Anyway, Jennipher's intuition actually served her well since in the club the ladies were surprised by the designers of "Heatherette" which is evidently a fashion line devoted to making women look like drag queens. Norelle (not to be confused with the Norelco Spectra Electric Shaver) nearly made ka ka in her pants upon meeting the Heatherette guys (word is still out if the two men are referred to as Heatherette as a whole, but this just in: no one cares). You see, Paris Hilton always wears Heatherette, and if there's one person in life that Norelle would like to be/emulate/have night-vision fun with, it's Paris Hilton. Some might say that idolizing Paris Hilton is sad, pathetic, lame, a tragic moment for American culture, but Norelle doesn't care because she is a strong, independent woman. And she's also an idiot.
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Comments (16)
I'll take Tyra Banks and her forehead any day of the week.
1 of 16 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on October 18, 2004 12:43 AM
I'm partial to Molly Simms. Oh, but there I go again, talking about supermodels I've had quesadillas with.
2 of 16 | Posted by b-side | Posted on October 18, 2004 12:52 AM
Oh sweet snark in the morning!
Yes, the show is stupid, and yes the girls are vapid, but something compells me to watch - or at least record it to watch later - and I knew you would break it down in a most-satisfying way. Thanks for indulging me.
3 of 16 | Posted by Caroline | Posted on October 18, 2004 6:56 AM
I can't get enough of this show! For all the skinny models competing, the big girl is the best of the lot.
Love this site. Keep up the good work.
4 of 16 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on October 18, 2004 9:58 AM
oh please keep it coming. i love the re-caps.
5 of 16 | Posted by chica_fabulous | Posted on October 18, 2004 11:14 AM
Janice = FIERCENESSSSS!!!
6 of 16 | Posted by Ananda Fan | Posted on October 18, 2004 12:13 PM
Did anyone see Janice this weekend (or earlier, vh1 shows stuff over and over so i never know when the shows debut) hosting the 50 most awesomely bad dirty songs? She kept talking about how hot she was and yet she seriously looked like someone had pushed her eyes way back into her face.
7 of 16 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on October 18, 2004 2:18 PM
poor Janice 'World's Oldest Living Supermodel' Dickinson.
long, long ago, before the dawn of time, she was considered very hot.
I know she looks bad now but you have to keep historical reference in mind when you look at her.
I mean "Birth of a Nation" looks horrible now but it was groundbreaking at the time. think of Janice like that.
8 of 16 | Posted by Ananda Fan | Posted on October 18, 2004 3:34 PM
THANK YOU FOR THE SHOUT OUT TO "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead"! Loved that movie. I will never forget the fashion show of day-glo uniforms all shown on the runway positioned over the pool!
And, yes, I love ANTM. It's my guilty pleasure.
9 of 16 | Posted by B-Rock | Posted on October 19, 2004 10:32 AM
What is ANTM?!?!?!
Janice Dickenson just so annoys me. The way she talks to those girls is disgusting. I mean, the girl is basically perfect looking & some how she finds a way to insult her looks.
And Tyra, I am so sick of her face. Actually, the looks aren't so annoying as her talking.
p.s. I wish they would stop refering the size 4 chicks as plus sized models.
10 of 16 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on October 19, 2004 1:28 PM
Actually, Amanda is legally blind by day and sightless at night. It was the glitter on the runway that saved her. And she didn't include the crystals in the trap. She hid them because they're so precious to her and forgot about it. Only $10 and some earrings were the bait.
I'm not being anal. This was the only episode I've seen all season. Tyra's whole put on is the most vapid melodrama ever. I'll take another round of "The Littlest Groom," thanks.
11 of 16 | Posted by Lady J | Posted on October 19, 2004 1:48 PM
ANTM = America's Next Top Model
12 of 16 | Posted by b-side | Posted on October 19, 2004 2:12 PM
I too want to thank you for the Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead reference- LOVE that movie...
13 of 16 | Posted by Rebecca | Posted on October 21, 2004 12:09 AM
I was wondering why tvgasm wasn't covering this excellent piece of television trash! It is definitely a sinful pleasure to be had by all. To fill you in: Janice Dickinson is referred to ON EVERY EPISODE as The World's First Supermodel (usually this reference is made by herself). The Kelle girl is black who grew up in a white neighbourhood and thus, believes she is white and is always complaining that she looks like a monkey. On the last episode, she referred to her mouth as looking like a "snout." The reason that Ann jumped into the whole Eva argument in this episode was because she has some weird lesbian love for Eva, calling her Mommy and demanding to share rooms with her. If all that is not enough to draw you in, there's always the blind chick. Now that's entertainment!
14 of 16 | Posted by jaded | Posted on October 21, 2004 3:07 PM
Dammit, i'm going to have to start covering this show. At least lightly.
15 of 16 | Posted by b-side | Posted on October 21, 2004 3:35 PM
I love Eva! She is so pretty and real. Yeah many people say she won't make it because she's short, but I don't think so. I may be wrong in the end, but there's something in Eva that I (personally) don't see in the other girls. Ya Ya.... man she think she is so..... better than everybody else when she's not. Yes she pretty but her attitude makes her so ugly. And she gets on my nerves with the whole "natural african" look. There's nothing wrong with it but man.. she really needs to tone it down. She so wants to be ANTM but she can't act the way she does and wear some of the things she does. Tyra was right this is modeling, you have to wear something that says "look at me" not "look over there. EVA..... YOU GO GIRL!!! YOU WILL BE ANTM
16 of 16 | Posted by tyra16 | Posted on November 11, 2004 1:52 PM