HIGHLIGHTS:

8:00pm

Our host, Hugh Jackman, emerges onstage, flanked by some beauties from the casts of the musicals Hairspray, Little Shop of Horrors, and Caroline, or Change. They all shake it while singing 'One Night Only' from Dreamgirls. Hugh pretends to be interested in women.

8:03pm

Dear Hugh high-kicks higher than any of the Radio City Rockettes, putting the last nail in any chances he ever had to be the next James Bond. Hey Hugh, how'd your hamstrings get so limber?

8:07pm

Billy Joel limps onstage with Jane Krakowski to present the first award of the evening. T-minus how many days til he crashes his car into another house? Let's take bets.

8:08pm

Ms. Krakowski, in standard charming-quirky fashion, saves the on-another-planet Mr. Joel from blatant flubs with his cue cards. Despite the help, Mr. Joel goes on to mispronounce several exotic nominee names, such as "Caroline" and "Jennifer."

8:12pm

Phylicia Rashad (aka Clair Huxtable) and Sean Combs (aka P.Diddy, aka Puff Daddy, aka Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry) present Best Featured Actor in a Musical. Winner Michael Cerveris, the whitest man in the world, jokes, with attempted flava, about being onstage with "Puff." Mrs. Huxtable barely tolerates this shit.

8:19pm

Kristin Chenoweth, who plays the witch Glinda in Wicked, floats out over the stage in a big bubble, amid supplementary bubbles. Somebody shoot that bitch down.

8:24pm

Alfred Molina sheds his scary metal prosthetic octo-arms to lead the company of Fiddler on the Roof in a rousing rendition of 'Tradition'. They ignite the audience with their chutzpah and win the Tony for Butt-Ugliest Broadway Cast.

8:37pm

New Jheri-Curl spokesman Brian Stokes Mitchell, with excruciatingly perfect diction, introduces the nominees for Best Play. Nice shirt, crazy man.

8:39pm

8,000-year-old Chita Rivera sashays out to present Best Choreography and makes a nice mention of the dearly-departed Broadway great Gregory Hines. Kathleen Marshall, sister of Chicago film director Rob Marshall, wins for the wonderful dancing in the wonderful revival Wonderful Town. Fucking wonderful.

8:42pm

Edie Falco, sporting not-so-wonderful bulldyke-Caesar hair, introduces a musical number from Caroline, or Change. The usually amazing Tonya Pinkins sings a horrific, bellowing rendition of her big number from the show. Try clearing your throat and singing on key.

8:57pm

Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel (real-life wife of actor Taye Diggs) play who-can-shriek-the-loudest in a number from the bloated mega-musical nightmare Wicked. Ms. Menzel's green wicked-witch makeup makes her and Mr. Diggs a doozy of an interracial couple.

9:06pm

Hugh Jackman pretends not to be interested in Rod, the closeted gay puppet from the magnificently demented little puppet musical Avenue Q. Mr. Jackman unnecessarily involves his "wife" in the oh-so-racy banter. OH REALLY.

9:10pm

8,000,000-year-old Carol Channing, accompanied by LL Cool J—a match made in someone's heaven—presents the award for Best Music. Ms. Channing not only sounds exactly like Barbara Billingsley as the Jive Lady in Airplane!, she also, we learn, LOVES hugging LL. The award goes to Avenue Q in a nice upset—Puppets 1, Witches 0.

9:27pm

Brían F. O'Byrne, an Actor, presents an Actorly speech about Acting in Professional Theatre. "Ooh look at me, I'm so Irish I need an í in Brían." OH I BET YOU DO MARY.

9:28pm