We were so caught up in the Raiders game that we nearly forgot about the Emmys until the Tivo turned over to CBS at 8 PM. I guess that's our cue. Let's start this thing.
Oh, and since we didn't draft out a nice little intro with a picture ahead of time, we'll just use this stupid picture of Jennifer Garner that Yahoo has left up for the past two days.
8:00 PM
And we're off! It's a 24 spoof! Featuring John Travolta. And his dead co-star from the '70s. Um, this isn't like 24 at all.
8:08 PM
Earth, Wind, and Fire perform. And that's the good part. The Black-Eyed Peas decide to waste away whatever street cred they have left by dancing out on stage with their lamest award show rap yet (worse than the Grammys). And just in case we still don't believe that the Academy is young and hip, we've just witnessed a montage of Deadwood bleeping and references to Whitney and Bobby. Yup, just white people trying to be hip with black people.
8:15 PM
This just in: The Black-Eyed Peas will be performing at the Rosenbaum Bat Mitzvah next weekend. Service to be held at the Wilshire Family Synagogue. Reception at the Airport Marriot.
Jon Stewart can't believe this either.
8:15 PM
"It's time to get on with the night now," sings Earth, Wind & Fire. AND HOW!
8:16 PM
One of the Black-Eyed Peas dances with Doris Roberts. Did I mention the Bat Mitzvah joke yet?
8:18 PM
MARG HELGENBERGER is getting DOWN! What a sexy bitch! Best Emmy Bat Mitzvah EVER!
8:20 PM
Ellen finally comes out. Not like that. You know what we mean. Okay, let's get this party started.
8:21 PM
"You'll notice that some of us are wearing magnolias tonight in support of the victims of Hurricane Katrina," says Ellen. And by "some of us," she meant "only Doris Roberts."
8:23 PM
Ellen cracks a Korea joke. Cut to Alan Alda. Nice M*A*S*H* callback! Such a current ceremony!
8:25 PM
Magnolia Watch: we got a bogey on William Shatner!
8:27 PM
Lessons learned: Family Guy humor does not work at the Emmys.
8:27 PM
The Desperate Housewives deliver some horrible Bruce Vilanche-ish patter and are saved only by Felicity Huffman who adlibs, "CLUNK." My thoughts exactly. The women introduce the Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy category. If Jeremy Piven doesn't win this, I'm going to do something evil, like-- wait, hold that thought. BRAD GARRETT WON?? WTF?? By the way, kudos to Sean Hayes for his HILARious pretend-to-be-sleeping act. And to Jeremy Piven for his pretend-to-be-not-homicidal act.
8:33 PM
Kiefer Sutherland and a leather-faced Kyra Sedgewick present the award for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. You know, if The Joker and a hand-puppet had a love child, it would be Kyra Sedgewick. Anyway, William Shatner wins as Alan Alda rips up his speech. Nothing particularly funny happens, but now we're heading into Emmy Idol, and we cannot wait. Oh, and by the way, thanks Emmy for not letting the West Coast vote. Jerks.
8:36 PM
The Donald walks out on stage in overalls and an undershirt. We've only heard one note of his performance, but we can already tell it's amazingly terrible. Best desperate gimmick for ratings EVER!
8:40 PM
By the way, did we mention that we LOVE Emmy Idol?
8:41 PM
And in case you didn't know, Broadway is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.
8:42 PM
Jon Cryer casually mentions Two and a Half Men's new time slot. Smooth, CBS. Very smooooth.
8:42 PM
Time for clips of the nominees for Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program, and look what we get: some very gay footage of Hugh Jackman at the Tonys. Amazingly, he wins! And he kisses a woman, you know, just to keep up appearances. Hugh later thanks his wife, saying he "couldn't do it" without her. We'll just assume that's a reference to closeted homosexuality.
Jackman's wife and "John." You try to guess who's getting it in the pooper tonight.
8:47 PM
The Blue Man Group presents the award for Outstanding Reality Competition. Doesn't really make sense, but it's better than the lifeless patter we've been sitting through. Anyway, the winner is... The Amazing Race! Yay! And there's Phil! And a sad Heidi Klum.
8:51 PM
Zach Braff and Hugh Laurie present the award for Supporting Actress in a Drama. This would be a lot cooler if The Shins were playing.
8:52 PM
Sorry Sandra Oh. It's all about Blythe Danner tonight. She just won. I wonder if her speeches are as dumb as Gwyneth's.
8:52 PM
Yup, they are.
8:54 PM
Awkward moment #37: Ellen does a ventriloquist act. 'Nuff said.
« She Could Have Been a Contender | Main | But First... »
Comments (23)
Was Macy Gray drunk?
1 of 23 | Posted by Gruffydd | Posted on September 18, 2005 11:16 PM
I don't feel like I can like Gary Dourdan anymore. I just don't. LOL to the commentary on the dead people montage. Is there something wrong with me that when they showed Julie Chen, I immediatley thought of TVgasm?
2 of 23 | Posted by Victoria | Posted on September 18, 2005 11:28 PM
I am so happy you caught the Chen shot. I too thought of TVgasm, so I don't think it's wrong...however, I have some serious explaining to do for laughing as hard as I did on your dead people montage...and I DON'T FEEL GUILTY! :)
3 of 23 | Posted by Helenann | Posted on September 18, 2005 11:37 PM
Wasn't it weird to hear Hugh Laurie from House speak with a heavy English accent. Only recently I read that he's English and was part of a famous comedy team in England. Here he speaks with no accent as character Gregory House and he's doing a somewhat serious role. Love that show! And him!
4 of 23 | Posted by nush | Posted on September 18, 2005 11:43 PM
Re 9:06 p.m.: Dave and the writers on the old "Late Night with David Letterman" show began the practice of not showing the real nominated writers, but instead creating a "bit" from the long list (b&w characters, fat men, animals, etc., you get the idea). Eventually every other show began to copy in order to be "hip", and that is what you see today. Glad that my current "hero" Jon Stewart made such a gracious comment about Dave, my "all-time" hero (yeah, Dave is/was better than even Johnny).
5 of 23 | Posted by museglet | Posted on September 18, 2005 11:43 PM
And since I'm here.....as to the Macy Gray question, she always talks like a cartoon character, and has admitted to (at the very least), vast quantities of pot. Never ever heard her give a coherent interview.
6 of 23 | Posted by museglet | Posted on September 18, 2005 11:48 PM
hugh laurie should have won!
7 of 23 | Posted by asdf | Posted on September 19, 2005 8:17 AM
I totally thought of Tvgasm when I saw the Chenbot too, and I have never even seen an episode of Big Brother! Great re-cap on what was a boring show. I had to yell all my snarky comments to my boyfriend in the next room who refused to watch unless the Family Guy or Jon Stewart came on. Jon Stewart & Conan are class acts and make me proud to be a New Yorker (sorry all you 3 hour late La-La lads). Frances Conroy was robbed and I was worried Patricia Arquette was gonna lose the front of her dress when that strap came down despite the Wonder Woman-like quality of that bustier.
8 of 23 | Posted by GatahBaby | Posted on September 19, 2005 8:18 AM
I loved that Felicity Huffman won! Take that Ms. Hatcher.
While I enjoy Patrica A & Medium, I so wanted Frances Conroy to win. (judging by the applause, so did her peers)
The male categories really left me cold. Bad choices all around.
I too am guilty of the Chenbot/tvgasm thought bubble mid-show.
Dead people popularity contest! LOL... that is so sad and so true.
9 of 23 | Posted by Meesh | Posted on September 19, 2005 8:47 AM
"Jackman's wife and "John." You try to guess who's getting it in the pooper tonight."
Um, my guess is all three. I think they take turns. What fun! :)
ha!
P.S. "The Lost Prince wins the Emmy for Best Miniseries. It also wins the Emmy for "And you are??" I think this should be an annual award always given by David Spade. Snarky!
10 of 23 | Posted by ha! | Posted on September 19, 2005 9:12 AM
A few random things:
1. Wasn't that other emmy girl Anne from ANTM? You know, the one who was obsessed with Pigsy Eva?
2. Did anyone else notice that ear tug by Huge Assman aka Hugh Jackman when he mentioned his frosted boytoy? Like he was doing a secret signal to him?
3. Your dead people applausometer was awesome.
11 of 23 | Posted by Tootie | Posted on September 19, 2005 10:29 AM
Warning: Do not attempt to read dead people popularity contest at work. Repeat: Do not read at work! Trying to act as if you are doing work on your computer while stifling giggles is not a professional look.
12 of 23 | Posted by joslyn | Posted on September 19, 2005 11:21 AM
Joslyn-I'm doing that exact same thing right now...that dead people populatrity contest was the funniest damn thing I've read on this web site! Thanks to TVgasm for making my day at work a little less crappy :-)
13 of 23 | Posted by Kristin | Posted on September 19, 2005 12:38 PM
What was with Letterman's constant lip smacking? Either he was adjusting his new dentures or suffering from some horrible pasties. He should just lay off the reefer next time and BE FUNNY! He even said Johnny Carson hosted "The Night Show".
14 of 23 | Posted by EROSion | Posted on September 19, 2005 2:00 PM
i just LOVE it when totally undeserving shows win because the academy feels that they "owe" it to the show to give them something, just because they've been snubbed so many times (well, besides the cast/crew of Will and Grace and Susan Lucci). Everybody Loves Raymond WAS funny..way back when it still had a plot. I agree that Desperate Housewives should have won, though I really don't think that show was supposed to be a comedy (but, hey, let's just roll with it!). The Daily Show was completely deserving of its awards won (I love John Stewart, always and forever!)
I thought the Emmys would be fun this year because our favorite daytime comedian, Ellen Degeneres was hosting..it's obvious that they didn't let her write her own jokes!
-Good recap, DEAD on with the events!
15 of 23 | Posted by kell | Posted on September 19, 2005 3:12 PM
I have to say I did enjoy seeing Kristin Bell in leg warmers. Veronica Mars - you've made it to the Tivo!
16 of 23 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on September 19, 2005 3:19 PM
Speaking of Trump, one of his contestants was a stripper. Reported at The Smoking Gun. Don't have the link though
17 of 23 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on September 19, 2005 5:59 PM
You know how they have that sign at all the McDonald's franchises... "Over three billion sold", I think TvGasm should have something similar for how many people have been written up, chastised or fired for spouting coffee through their noses while reading a recap at work.
However, it's worth every last nasal burn!
18 of 23 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on September 19, 2005 7:37 PM
The "Julie Chen anxiously represses the urge to interrupt the ceremony with 'BUT FIRST!'" line had me giggling. Loved your live blog on the Emmys. Much more entertaining than the Emmys themselves.
19 of 23 | Posted by C | Posted on September 20, 2005 6:28 AM
#18: Actually, it now reads "over 99 billion sold". Sad but true...I missed this event and feel awfull about it--Heard John Stewart was his usual satiric genius; just about busted my gut ove rthe dead folks...C'mon, laughing at death is how you know you'll go on...
20 of 23 | Posted by Bobbie | Posted on September 20, 2005 6:36 AM
"Wasn't that other emmy girl Anne from ANTM? You know, the one who was obsessed with Pigsy Eva?"
YES...all of the Emmy girls were from ANTM. Tyra must have been kveling.
21 of 23 | Posted by Melis | Posted on September 20, 2005 7:02 AM
I guess I'm the only person who's happy Patricia Arquette won because I seriously think the woman is underrated, oh well... congrats to her.
22 of 23 | Posted by Greg | Posted on September 20, 2005 12:34 PM
How freakily poised and mature was that 'Everyone Hates Chris' kid? What is he, like 12? That kid's a better public speaker than Jesus. After seeing him there, I'd follow him into battle.
Also, I don't know who this Bobby Cannavale fellow is, but I'll be damned if he doesn't look like an ancient Persian swordsmith.
23 of 23 | Posted by J | Posted on September 20, 2005 5:14 PM