8:00 PM
And we're off! It's a 24 spoof! Featuring John Travolta. And his dead co-star from the '70s. Um, this isn't like 24 at all.

8:08 PM
Earth, Wind, and Fire perform. And that's the good part. The Black-Eyed Peas decide to waste away whatever street cred they have left by dancing out on stage with their lamest award show rap yet (worse than the Grammys). And just in case we still don't believe that the Academy is young and hip, we've just witnessed a montage of Deadwood bleeping and references to Whitney and Bobby. Yup, just white people trying to be hip with black people.

8:15 PM
This just in: The Black-Eyed Peas will be performing at the Rosenbaum Bat Mitzvah next weekend. Service to be held at the Wilshire Family Synagogue. Reception at the Airport Marriot.

Jon Stewart can't believe this either.

8:15 PM
"It's time to get on with the night now," sings Earth, Wind & Fire. AND HOW!

8:16 PM
One of the Black-Eyed Peas dances with Doris Roberts. Did I mention the Bat Mitzvah joke yet?

8:18 PM
MARG HELGENBERGER is getting DOWN! What a sexy bitch! Best Emmy Bat Mitzvah EVER!

8:20 PM
Ellen finally comes out. Not like that. You know what we mean. Okay, let's get this party started.

8:21 PM
"You'll notice that some of us are wearing magnolias tonight in support of the victims of Hurricane Katrina," says Ellen. And by "some of us," she meant "only Doris Roberts."

8:23 PM
Ellen cracks a Korea joke. Cut to Alan Alda. Nice M*A*S*H* callback! Such a current ceremony!

8:25 PM
Magnolia Watch: we got a bogey on William Shatner!

8:27 PM
Lessons learned: Family Guy humor does not work at the Emmys.

8:27 PM
The Desperate Housewives deliver some horrible Bruce Vilanche-ish patter and are saved only by Felicity Huffman who adlibs, "CLUNK." My thoughts exactly. The women introduce the Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy category. If Jeremy Piven doesn't win this, I'm going to do something evil, like-- wait, hold that thought. BRAD GARRETT WON?? WTF?? By the way, kudos to Sean Hayes for his HILARious pretend-to-be-sleeping act. And to Jeremy Piven for his pretend-to-be-not-homicidal act.

8:33 PM
Kiefer Sutherland and a leather-faced Kyra Sedgewick present the award for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. You know, if The Joker and a hand-puppet had a love child, it would be Kyra Sedgewick. Anyway, William Shatner wins as Alan Alda rips up his speech. Nothing particularly funny happens, but now we're heading into Emmy Idol, and we cannot wait. Oh, and by the way, thanks Emmy for not letting the West Coast vote. Jerks.

8:36 PM
The Donald walks out on stage in overalls and an undershirt. We've only heard one note of his performance, but we can already tell it's amazingly terrible. Best desperate gimmick for ratings EVER!

8:40 PM
By the way, did we mention that we LOVE Emmy Idol?

8:41 PM
And in case you didn't know, Broadway is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.

8:42 PM
Jon Cryer casually mentions Two and a Half Men's new time slot. Smooth, CBS. Very smooooth.