Hey ABC, thanks for spreading your suck onto the show. Every year, the network which airs the Emmys stuffs the broadcast with annoying plugs from its stars and shows. This of course meant appearances by George Lopez, Jim Belushi, and Ty Pennington (who, by the way, appears to be taking tanning lessons from Charleze Theron). For all those who don't know me, this was like a real life equivalent of The Ring.

No One Actually Likes The Bachelor Except Sad Women. It was bad enough that ABC had to sully the NBA Finals with Bachelor parodies (I never want to see Ben Wallace reduced to that level again), but now the network has gone too far. It tried to spoof the Emmys with a Bachelor/Extreme Makeover intro that was just about as funny as an ABC sitcom (READ: not funny at all).

Someone tell According To Jim staffers to stop writing Gary Shandling's monologues. I like Gary Shandling, but he started off terribly. I mean, it was bad. The whole routine about the reality show on his security camera was so lame, even the crickets were rolling their eyes. Granted, the joke was made slightly funnier by later "callback" skits, but it was too little too late. Luckily, Gary seemed to get his act together later in his monologue, although a joke at Tony Randall's expense seemed poor, especially since Tony Randall is, you know, beloved and dead.

Emmy producers think we don't know what gay means. In the middle of Gary's standup routine, he made some joke about gays. Cut to Ellen DeGeneres and Sean Hayes. Now that's subtlety. Then again, if they cut to a reaction shot from Brad Pitt, I can see how that might sort of rankle his self-image.

Chris Noth should stop rejecting According to Jim writers in favor of his own banter. Probably the only thing worse than the already scripted banter was what appeared to be Chris Noth's improvised banter, which went something like this: "Will you marry me?" Sarah Jessica Parker just laughed awkwardly and read the nominations. The rest of America just scratched its head, possibly vomitted in its mouth.

If all else fails, show boobies. Heather Locklear and Mary Louise Parker both lavished their ample and sometimes distracting bosoms on the audience. It was a welcome change from the pea green evening gowns that Allison Janney and Mariska Hagartay (sp.? - too lazy to check on my own) were stinking up the place with. Honestly, I felt like we were watching the battle of the lilly pods at one point.

What's with the Weezer and Coldplay? Did anyone else notice that every list of nominations seemed to be accompanied by Weezer or Coldplay songs? Yeah, that's the way to make the show younger! Use bands that were super edgy... five years ago.