By m_ruv and B-Side
FINALLY. After a red wine-, Xanax-, and whippets-induced delay of which only Margot Kidder or Tom Sizemore could be proud, TVgasm presents minute-by-minute Academy Awards coverage—a Herculean (or perhaps Hecheian) bi-coastal effort brought to you by TVgasm's Los Angeles and New York offices in tandem.
The Red Carpet
I know B-Side already provided live commentary on the red carpet, but I really do feel a need to comment myself. The moment I turn on the TV at 4:29pm, eager for Oscar coverage, the first thing I see is Star Jones "interviewing" Clive Owen. The awkwardness level is best left undescribed.
Hoping for greener pastures, I switch to TV Guide Channel, only to find Joan Rivers attempting to chat up Virginia Madsen, clearly with no idea who Ms. Madsen is or why she's there. So back to E! for "relief," only to find that Star Jones WILL NOT SHUT UP about "glamazons." She seems to think every woman she meets should be called a "glamazon." Little does Star know that, in New York City at least, the Glamazons are a troupe of plus-size women who do burlesque acts downtown. Or who knows, maybe that's the comparison she's going for. Although my guess is that she's probably just thinking about the buffet.
Seriously, by 5:02pm, I'm already at merriam-webster.com looking up synonyms for "awful," because between Star Jones, Kathy Griffin, Joan and Melissa Rivers, and Billy Bush, I certainly am gonna need them. Thankfully, the show is about to start.
5:30pm
The awards ceremony begins with the standard masturbatory movie montage, this time narrated by Dustin Hoffman, waxing poetic and self-important about the universality of movies, the poetry of onscreen gun violence, etc. Platitudes and banalities abound, warming the pacemaker-controlled hearts of drooling, wheelchair-bound Academy members everywhere.
5:34pm
The announcer introduces host Chris Rock. About 900 pairs of Depends undergarments in the elderly white audience are suddenly, umm, laden. Mr. Rock's first words are "Sit yo asses down." He welcomes us to the "77th and last Academy Awards." This could be a good night.
5:35pm
Mr. Rock mentions that there'll be singing, dancing, and shooting—and the cameras cut immediately to P. Diddy. Then Prof. Rock informs us that "You doing a movie about the past, you best to get Russell [Crowe]'s ass." My god, this is stellar. His voice alone should get a lifetime achievement award.
5:42pm
Oprah is shocked by the aggressively urban monologue. "Goodness me, those Negroes!" she thinks.
5:43pm
Obligatory shout-out to U.S. troops fighting in Iraq as Hollywood tries to cover its leftist ass.
5:44pm
Halle Berry comes out to present Best Art Direction. Damn, she really is one of those people who just cannot ever look bad. But why is Art Direction first rather than Supporting Actress? And it appears the nominees are gonna be onstage this time as the winner is announced. This is odd. Anyway, The Aviator gets its first Oscar. Lame.
5:47pm
In immediate, sharp, and unflattering contrast to Halle Berry, disaster Renée Zellweger comes out to present Best Supporting Actor. Ms. Zellweger looks, and is, awful. Attempting to be a geisha, she fails miserably; geishas are exotically pale, you dumb ho, not hideously pasty.
I'm coy.5:50pm
Finally, Morgan Freeman wins. Thank god. Cynical as I may try to be, this is really nice. But never fear, I'm sure John Travolta or somebody will ruin it later. Aww, Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood are so cute together. Don't you just wanna see them move to Vermont and get a civil union?
5:54pm
Robin Williams comes out and does every impression he can think of. I've long figured he'd need euthanasia, or at least sedation, sometime. Maybe now is that time.
6:00pm
Ooh, the producers are getting fancy. Cate Blanchett is presenting not from onstage but from within the audience, from one of the aisles. For those keeping score at home, the BLANchett/blanCHETT watch is at 1:3 right now.
Cate Blanchett avoids eye contact with the non-celebrities, who thankfully have been safely quarantined from the stage.6:02pm
Always-a-presenter-never-a-nominee Drew Barrymore introduces the first performance for Original Song. It's Beyoncé, in full tennis-ball-chic makeup. Seriously, I haven't seen green eyeshadow like that since my days backstage at Starlight Express.
6:03pm
Beyoncé is singing en français (or at least trying). For once she's actually attempting to earn that damn accent mark on her name.
6:11pm
As a funny experiment, they put Chris Rock back in his element and send him to the Magic Johnson Theatres in South Central. We're treated to our first "you're really up on me," "baby's daddy," and "kiss my black ass" of the evening.
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Comments (23)
I'm surprised you didn't mention all of the celebrity slamming that Chris Rock did at the beginning, which I found HILARIOUS and my roommate found 'offensive.' (Hey, I didn't pick her.)
1 of 23 | Posted by Stefanie | Posted on February 28, 2005 9:25 AM
Ok, I have to admit I love the headline.
2 of 23 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on February 28, 2005 9:31 AM
Dude, that was FANTASTIC......last night I watched with my friends and we all vowed that if we ever died and they made a video show set to music, we'd clap loudly for each other. then we remembered we were all lawyers and said awards show was probably never going to happen.
What about Sean Penn's inability to take a joke and his sad attempt to prop up Jude Law? That was annoying.
My favorite chris rock moment was "and now the star of the highly anticipated catwoman 2". Halle looked mad but sister strutted out there anyway. Gosh that woman is beautiful.
3 of 23 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on February 28, 2005 10:27 AM
! The ratings were the best since 2000. I guess the phony bullshit Gay jokes and fear of Chris Rock did the trick. Beyond-see did NOt use one recognizable French word. Everyone had a great laugh on local TV show this morning.
Is Foxx really the re-incarnation of Ray Charles??
Is it over?
Is Decaprio ever going to get out of the Howard Hugues personna. Too bad he didn't do Howard the Duck...
What a crappy show, as usual. Turned it off right after Z Z Yang....
Ninetynite all.
4 of 23 | Posted by Plumes | Posted on February 28, 2005 10:28 AM
Chris Rock was funnier than expected. My favorite part of the show was when he insulted the President by comparing his job to working at the GAP and stating that Bush never would be able to get a job at the GAP because they would never hire him. There are no toxic tank tops. I was hoping that would happen.
He then went on to criticize the stupid concept of having people get their Oscars in the audience aisle by comparing that to a McDonalds drive threw. I couldn't have agreed more. Too bad Jamie and Hillary wouldn't have had their acceptance speeches in the aisle too. Maybe that would have cut down on the pathetic crying. (None of the people who got awards in the aisle cried, coincidence, I think not.)
Also a funny moment of the night was when Chris went to the Magic Johnson Theatre where we found out that WHITE CHICKS was robbed of its Oscar nomination.
Next year I want to see the Wayans brothers hosting the Academy Awards.
5 of 23 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on February 28, 2005 10:31 AM
Thank goodness the Blackademy Awards are over. Worst awards show EVER.
6 of 23 | Posted by Melis | Posted on February 28, 2005 11:00 AM
Melis- yeah good thing we can go back to watching white people win every award every year all the time.
Oscar hype goes down like this every year. People campaign hard for oscars every year.
7 of 23 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on February 28, 2005 11:09 AM
I didn't see Million Dollar Baby, but Mystic River was a real piece of crap. Made me feel like I was the last sane person left in the world. Was this one any better?
Also may favorite announcement was "He's charming and debonairre; please welcome Pierce Brosnan." That just makes my smle.
8 of 23 | Posted by josh | Posted on February 28, 2005 11:28 AM
I don't know why other reviewers are down on chris rock's hosting. I thought he was great, I laughed out loud more last night than probably any other oscars. I'm sure even jude law didn't mind the ribbing. Anybody remember one (Just one??) joke from billy crystal's 314 gigs as host?
9 of 23 | Posted by lio | Posted on February 28, 2005 11:31 AM
I've been chortling like an idiot for the past several minutes about the horse-race commentary on the "death/popularity montage". Brilliant!!!!!
10 of 23 | Posted by Jess | Posted on February 28, 2005 12:51 PM
So much to say. First, here's a link to my lj which shows you Adam & Bob.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/veggieboo/131981.html?nc=5
Halle is always so beautiful. She has great taste.
Hiliary, her boobs looked awesome in that dress. Not to mention the back, va va voom!
Also, it seemed like it was a chilly night out, everyone had their nips talking to Star, Joan, etc.
Renee, please gain some weight, get a tan and poop already. You look like my cat at the litter box.
I am so glad Jamie Foxx won, that was one of the best movies ever.
And as much as I love Clint Eastwood, Million Dollar Baby sucked. The dialogue, the acting, the story, just ick.
Scorsese, you wanna win an oscar? Keep Leo the baby faced, cheeseball actor out of your movies.
11 of 23 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on February 28, 2005 1:13 PM
Genevieve - surely you meant that Ray sucked and Million Dollar Baby was amazing.
That's okay, we all have typos!
12 of 23 | Posted by b-side | Posted on February 28, 2005 1:15 PM
surprised that y'all let antonio banderas off so easy. i was particularly fond of the 'bolivian prison cell' set piece on which antonio committed his various crimes against music, grooming, and personal hygiene. I hate to knock santana--one of the greats and an inarguably good dude--but the noodling was a litle self-indulgent, as was the che guevara sweatshirt, which is only fractionally cooler looking on santana than on all those fourteen year-old revolutionaries who hang at in the food court at the galleria.
you also by-passed the look on annette benning's face (somewhere between 'stricken' and 'dog choking on chicken bone') when she realized that she'd lost out yet again to the shapeshifting trailer-park chanteuse.
who the heck was carrie snodgrass?
13 of 23 | Posted by jack | Posted on February 28, 2005 1:37 PM
Beyonce truly looks like a contestant from America's Next Top Model. She did well on the French song (and I'm no Beyonce fan) but come on...three songs in one show! Who did she have to blow to get that gig? And what's up with that girl Renee Zellnigg..oops Zellwegger? Sometime in the past five years someone slapper her with a lemon stick. She used to be a cute girl and I was a HUGE fan but since her face has been stuck in automatic pucker I feel as if she's mocking me. It's as if she's saying "I'm on stage at the Oscar's. You're at home clipping your toenails. Now feast on my pucker face sucker!" Her faceliftdoctor should be fired. Is faceliftdoctor a word? I'm losing myself. But the most hilarious part of the show for me was the Magic Johnson Theatre/White Chicks jokes. Hi-larry-us! I think I wore out my Ti-Vo on that one. And Jamie Fox was relegated to the end of the show so we were spared him. Most of the time when the cameras were on him he seemed to want to hide behind his daughter. Poor thing. And Finally, HALLE BERRY made me make a milky mess of my television screen. What a beutifull woman!
14 of 23 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on February 28, 2005 2:02 PM
Oh this is rich, B-Side's you are truly fab. I dind't even realize that Beyonce was using the accent. Hmm.
The Cate Blanchett (pron?) caption still has me laughing. *giggle* Next year, let's just give the statuettes away at the drive-thru.
I have to agree with Lio and some others: Chris was great. He was different. And as I predicted elsewhere, Robin Williams would make gay jokes, and no one would say a word.
Melis @ 11am: One night, one host and two wins is a statistical blip on the radar...after 77 years. Freeman should have won years ago, along with many others.
15 of 23 | Posted by Rod | Posted on February 28, 2005 2:37 PM
Umm, except that Beyonce did terribly on the French song. There wasn't a recognizable bit of French in it. Seemed like a pretty song, too. I wish I could have heard the chorus over her inane chirping.
The best excuse I can think of for Beyonce's French singing is the Academy was trying to prove they care about Red America by having her mangle the language; "see, we hate the French as much as you do, look what we did to their song!"
16 of 23 | Posted by sweet fortune | Posted on February 28, 2005 2:48 PM
The women I was with last night would disagree on your assessment of Jake Gylenhaal. They somehow found his Bruce Willis-esque hairstyle very sexy.
17 of 23 | Posted by drew | Posted on February 28, 2005 5:27 PM
hmmm. drew, these women may be undercover lesbians.
18 of 23 | Posted by m_ruv | Posted on February 28, 2005 8:19 PM
in jake's defense, i think the shorn look is, like the tatt on the back of jamie foxx's skull, for the upcoming movie 'jarhead,' based on anthony swofford's memoir of life in the marines during operation desert storm.
19 of 23 | Posted by jim | Posted on March 1, 2005 6:12 AM
chettogirl & Rod - i thought the show was terrrible because they gave awards to people in the aisles and because beyonce and josh groban sounded like nails on a chalkboard. it had nothing to do with my first sentence/bad joke. i'm very happy for both jamie foxx and morgan freeman.
20 of 23 | Posted by Melis | Posted on March 1, 2005 10:37 AM
Melis- gotcha, thanks for clearing that up. I just read the sentence and was like "a black heavy awards was the worst show ever?!"
I'd have to agree that Beyonce was undefendable.
21 of 23 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on March 1, 2005 10:45 AM
No. 1 annoyance of the night...knowing that Jamie Foxx was going to win and seeing him "acting" like he was so humble and then getting up and reciting his memorized speech...AGAIN!
No. 2 was Renee Zellwegger...I have long been a "Renee in real life" hater with her squinty eyes, pursed lips and anorexic body.
No. 3 Star Jones! can she be any more annoying, talking about her self on and on and on. she just can't stop herself.
Great recap! I for one enjoyed Chris Rock , except when he said "I'm not going to bash Bush tonight" then went on to do exactly that (even though the Gap thing was pretty funny).
22 of 23 | Posted by jaimie | Posted on March 1, 2005 2:00 PM
Where can i get the video when Beyonce sings in French??? Just looooved her!
23 of 23 | Posted by Jonas | Posted on March 19, 2005 3:42 AM