Welcome to a lackluster celebration of celebrity! My heart sank as I watched The Oscars. I could milk more humor from the Menendez Brothers E! True Hollywood Story. But alas here we are, the most important night in The Entertainment Industry and therefore THE WORLD, so you better be watching, eyes glazing over with the rest of us. This journey won't take four hours of your life, nor a little piece of your soul, so let's begin!
This awards show needs an operatic serial killer.
Guest-commenting on this is my good friend BS, who goes by the name of "Ex" on my personal blog. BS is a film director and since I've dated him, this more than qualifies me to knowledgeably discuss industry awards. We've been viewing the Awards together for the past four years and this is the first time I've brought my laptop in.
IS: So I'm going to blog this for TVgasm tonight. May I quote you?
BS: Sure.
IS: Do you want me to link your name to your website or anything? Seriously, thousands of really awesome people read TVgasm a day. It could blow your shit up.
BS: No. Everyone that knows you knows who I am anyway.
IS: Yeah. That's my point. Not everyone that reads TVgasm knows me.
BS does not seem to get my point so we move on.
I get to task, wondering how I could possibly get snarky about the celebration of art and film, until the ceremony begins and then I wonder how I ever took it seriously before I had to deconstruct it for the internet community. This shit's totally corny.
Vas do you mean? It's aht.
The show kicks off with a animated car heading down a highway towards Hollywood. And it looks like it's gearing up to be the Rock of Love opening sequence which would be AWESOME. Please let there be a motorcycle with Bret Michaels next. I mean, really Academy. You call this class? We "arrive" in Hollywood and greeting us is the lamest visual effects sequence ever. A montage of automobiles, monsters, and recognizable faces from all the blockbusters of today and yesteryear. I caught Grease-era John Travolta and Indiana Jones in there. Some Transformers. (This will be the first indication that we are the wake of a writer's strike. The next sign will be everything else, save but about three of John Stewart jokes.) I think I saw this same vignette in line at Universal Studios one time and I think I made the same stink face then, too.
So, John Stewart is back, looking as resigned as the rest of us feel. And unsurprisingly he mentions the writer's strike first off. He calls it "make-up sex". Boring-ass missionary style? Make-up sex should definitely be hotter than this.
Try mutual masturbation.
Cutaway to some of our dashing celebrities. Daniel Day Lewis is first to catch my eye. Now I have a thing for Daniel Day Lewis characters, but this man has bad personal style. Seriously. He looks so different in the real world. How does real-life suck the hotness from this man?? How? He plays such badasses on the screen and then in real life he looks like a wimpy theatre pansy. So disappointing.
Jon Stewart makes a few good jokes, but watch the youtube videos if you haven't seen it, since writing down punchlines of an opening monologue is grim to me.
Jennifer Garner comes out to announce the award for costume design. Elizabeth: The Golden Age obviously nabs the award and BS and I laugh that Atonement possibly had a chance. We seriously enjoy hating on Atonement despite the fact that neither of us have seen it. I don't like mopey period pieces in general, but the fact that my friend went to Atonement director, Joe Wright's, Christmas dinner this year and he made everyone read dramatic monologues made me definitely not like it. Lamest dinner party ever. I remind BS of this and we agree all Hollywood director dinner parties should end with girls in hot tubs. But I bet DDL would be stoked to find himself at Joe Wright's!
This evening I will read from Death of a Salesman. Could you pass the mac and cheese, please?
Babs appears in her ice capades tuxedo to remind us that when she won it was a tie. There was a tie? BS and I can't figure out who or what tied, but he has an itchy trigger finger on the remote, so maybe they said, and we didn't really care.
Note from the Editor: You need a gayer boyfriend. Kate Hepburn, yo!
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Comments (5)
I haven't finished reading your recap, but you heard bad things about Once???! I must say, it was one of the best movies that I saw when it was realeased, plus the soundtrack is amazing. If any of those Enchanted songs had won over "Falling Slowly", someone would have been killed. As for Glen Hansgard and Markete Herglova dating, I'm gonna have to check that out.
1 of 5 | Posted by lalia | Posted on February 26, 2008 9:05 PM
Thanks so much for this recap, love it! I was late to my Oscar party so I came in just as Bardem was leaving the stage....guess I didn't miss much. But don't worry, it only took about half an hour to get as drunk as everyone else.
I love Cheno (Kristen Chenoweth), although honestly based on this telecast I can't tell why Enchanted made more than $250.00. I knew I couldn't go watch it after seeing that there were rats in it. Ugh. But I digress.
I have the ultimate respect for our men and women in the military, honestly I do. But, when that first soldier in Iraq started speaking, my entire drunken Oscar party said--in unison--"Don't ask, don't tell, girlfriend!". Nothing funnier.
My last comment: Colin Farrell, call me. Please. I'm a hot Black woman too. I'll sign over all the porno distribution rights, I promise. Please..??
2 of 5 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on February 26, 2008 10:48 PM
"Then Jon Stewart calls Cameron Diaz "talented and beautiful". I would say annoying and used-up, but whatevs."
Laughed my ass off when I read that!!! I kept wondering how did some of those people get in there? Seriously? Is there any sane film lover who was actually excited to see Jessica Alba? Really? Please. Show me this person.
I have to agree with you on the Tommy Lee Jones clip. I kept thinking, "What is going on and where the hell are they?" It was quite distracting. Who chose that clip?
And Snarky, I totally agree with you about that one soldier. She betta fight!
3 of 5 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on February 27, 2008 6:11 AM
funniest recap EVER.EVER.
There were so many random "celebrities", like Miley Cyrus, Cameron Diaz and Katherine Heigel...why were THEY presenters??!!
John Travolta looked like he was wearing a black bathing cap!
Whenever I see Beautiful Frankie I try to think of who he reminds me of, and I have to thanks you, yes, he is Penelope Cruz's twin sister!
Oh, and I love Jon Stewart, but he had, like, ONE joke that made me laugh out loud. it was just lame all around. I should have just NOT watched it and just read the recap instead!!
4 of 5 | Posted by melpadgett | Posted on February 27, 2008 11:20 AM
Melpadgett--
"John Travolta looked like he was wearing a black bathing cap!".
You owe me a new keyboard, 'cause I just spit up my Sprite on it from that.
I had been trying to come up with words to describe that hair, and was at a loss. Well done!
5 of 5 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on February 27, 2008 8:11 PM